(no subject)

[hallelujahlogic]

dreamed you died
and i didn't

say goodbye
-----------------

fuck it i wrote you a christmas card
in ink as white as atlantic foam
the heavy haze between asleep and awake
on a full stomach of restaurant food
while you live on breath mints,
dry cereal,
and halves of sandwiches

i kept whispering in my sleep
that i love you i love you i love you
for the cracks in the awkwardness
the times without bottles or blood
or pauses or platitudes
when your pants didn't fit
or i showed up unannounced
or the christmas eve i spent alone
watching
rock and roll high school
and crying
for the slipping on ice
you teach me why it's art
play it til i sleep
for your fingers and your hair
your hateful blue eyes

for how brave i was then

despite
years of some hobo garbage
of pretending to like fucking
anyone else
lying and caving in
while you drank cough syrup
and told me to stare at my hands
i said i'd meet you in pixels
by the pillar
but i grew up faster than i knew

i told you all of my secrets like
"i'm usually happy"
and "i never want to see you again
because it would destroy it
for nothing"
shit that doesn't even matter
but i always wanted to say like
"thank you for ignoring
the marks of infidelity
and the gaudy makeup i'd used
to hide them"
and "now i know what gutted means"

so there's my life
and then there's this
you built a raft
and escaped it
my last line was to tell you
that i don't know why
but when it's my birthday cake
or the clock has twins
or any other meaningless nonsense
i wish for your happiness

you sent one back
signed just two letters
that was enough