How to Read a Book
Here is some advice about reading books. First of all, always judge a book by its cover. Books with artistic, clever, or funny covers will almost always be artistic, clever, or funny. It is a good sign if the cover is a photograph of a person you would like to be friends with, but never read a book with some strange, poorly drawn monster on its cover, or with a picture of a girl putting on lip gloss, unless you think you might want to be her friend.
Second of all, the book must have a witty, clever title that makes you either laugh, think, or wonder what this book is about. A book with a title that gives away the end of a story, like The Girl Who Spent Her Life Searching for the Perfect Boyfriend Only to Find that Her Best Friend Had a Crush On Her for Years and Is Really Sad When He is Killed In a Freak Accident But Moves On to Live a Happy and Productive Life Anyway, is probably not a good choice.
Thirdly, never read the book from start to finish. Always begin the book in the middle. Flip to a random page and begin to read, but be sure not to choose a part that will give something away and ruin the end of the novel. That will almost always take away from its element of suspense. However, it is also important to choose a part that will give you a good idea of what the rest of the novel is like. For instance, do not read an excerpt about a character only present in that chapter, and who talks about his relationship with his life partner and their pet-filled home when the rest of the book is about prophecy, fate, adventure, betrayal, loyalty, and friendship. After you have read a decent excerpt, you may then begin from the begining of the book. It is recommended that you totally forget about the excerpt you read until you come upon it again and now totally understand what Charlie was talking about and who Brad is. It is now okay to reread your excerpt in an entirely different light.
Fourthly, when you have reached the end of your book, if you feel like an entirely different person after having read it, you must go sit somewhere nice with a cup of tea and imagine what you would have done if you had been in the story. After a sufficient imagining period has gone by, it is recomended that you immediately reread the entire book. If your mother tells you that you are wasting your time reading a book you have already read, tell her to please be quiet because you can't concentrate and are trying to read a book that you have already read. Make sure you notice things that you overlooked the first time around.
This is the ONLY proper way to read a book. If anyone tells you otherwise, smile and nod at him before turning to leave. Shrug and shake your head sympathetically at another friend on your way out, as if saying, "Poor thing, he doesn't even know how to read a book."
Second of all, the book must have a witty, clever title that makes you either laugh, think, or wonder what this book is about. A book with a title that gives away the end of a story, like The Girl Who Spent Her Life Searching for the Perfect Boyfriend Only to Find that Her Best Friend Had a Crush On Her for Years and Is Really Sad When He is Killed In a Freak Accident But Moves On to Live a Happy and Productive Life Anyway, is probably not a good choice.
Thirdly, never read the book from start to finish. Always begin the book in the middle. Flip to a random page and begin to read, but be sure not to choose a part that will give something away and ruin the end of the novel. That will almost always take away from its element of suspense. However, it is also important to choose a part that will give you a good idea of what the rest of the novel is like. For instance, do not read an excerpt about a character only present in that chapter, and who talks about his relationship with his life partner and their pet-filled home when the rest of the book is about prophecy, fate, adventure, betrayal, loyalty, and friendship. After you have read a decent excerpt, you may then begin from the begining of the book. It is recommended that you totally forget about the excerpt you read until you come upon it again and now totally understand what Charlie was talking about and who Brad is. It is now okay to reread your excerpt in an entirely different light.
Fourthly, when you have reached the end of your book, if you feel like an entirely different person after having read it, you must go sit somewhere nice with a cup of tea and imagine what you would have done if you had been in the story. After a sufficient imagining period has gone by, it is recomended that you immediately reread the entire book. If your mother tells you that you are wasting your time reading a book you have already read, tell her to please be quiet because you can't concentrate and are trying to read a book that you have already read. Make sure you notice things that you overlooked the first time around.
This is the ONLY proper way to read a book. If anyone tells you otherwise, smile and nod at him before turning to leave. Shrug and shake your head sympathetically at another friend on your way out, as if saying, "Poor thing, he doesn't even know how to read a book."