Don't mind the noise, it's only my heart breaking.
Sometimes I wonder if the universe just really doesn't want me to be happy. Or whether the curse of buying yourself a claddagh ring is actually true and enacting itself upon me in harsh and profound ways. I also feel like a pretty awful person right now, because all of this stupid love angst isn't even about my boyfriend. Yes, I'm dating someone. However there is a preexisting expiration date on our relationship, since he's going to be abroad in France all next year, and since I will graduate at the end of next year, we pretty much will never see each other again after the end of this semester. He's wonderful and adorable and a complete nerd, but I struggle with the whole not bothering with an emotional attachment. And then there is the guy who I still haven't gotten over, remember from Jterm/the very beginning of my college experience? I thought we had reconciled our friendship really well, and while there were still those flirtatious undertones, they were well clamped down. He has his girlfriend, I have my boyfriend, we were supposed to be content and those people were supposed to keep our morals in line. So why our flirtation seemed to increase once I started dating S (let's just call him that for all intents and purposes) I don't know, but I just went with it. But then Monday D (what we can call the guy who I actually want) and I spent pretty much all our time together. Yes, part of that time involved getting drunk around 4:30 in the afternoon and progressively drinking the rest of the night, but I don't actually think the alcohol had much to do with things this time around. We went to dinner together, he fireman carried me over Battel Beach because it was muddy and I only had flip flops, we watched a movie together and then The Borgias, we ended up snuggling during that and then we were in his bed together and everything just felt so right. I had that moment of realization that this was how things were supposed to be between us. We work as a couple.
Needless to say, yesterday he told me that we in fact do not work as a couple, that he really does like his girlfriend and that we can't be together. I don't know why I expected things to change after that one night, but hearing him say it absolutely crushed me. I cried half the night, tried to console myself with Harry Potter but even that didn't work. I've had Adele on repeat and can't be bothered to do my readings. For fuck's sake, I'm terrible! I still have a bloody boyfriend and yet I feel like my heart was broken once again by D because I am stupid enough to give it to him over and over again. He says he's not that good of a guy, that I deserve someone better, that he's not that guy for me. But he is. Clearly he's attracted to me or this wouldn't keep happening. Why is his girlfriend such a lovely person? How on earth does she stay with him when he's cheated on her twice with me? Shouldn't that tell her something? I'm not absolving myself for cheating on S at all. I'm simply to heart broken to care much at this point.
Needless to say, yesterday he told me that we in fact do not work as a couple, that he really does like his girlfriend and that we can't be together. I don't know why I expected things to change after that one night, but hearing him say it absolutely crushed me. I cried half the night, tried to console myself with Harry Potter but even that didn't work. I've had Adele on repeat and can't be bothered to do my readings. For fuck's sake, I'm terrible! I still have a bloody boyfriend and yet I feel like my heart was broken once again by D because I am stupid enough to give it to him over and over again. He says he's not that good of a guy, that I deserve someone better, that he's not that guy for me. But he is. Clearly he's attracted to me or this wouldn't keep happening. Why is his girlfriend such a lovely person? How on earth does she stay with him when he's cheated on her twice with me? Shouldn't that tell her something? I'm not absolving myself for cheating on S at all. I'm simply to heart broken to care much at this point.