Trying to get through the day

[halfwaysober]

my sanity quickly eroding
my thoughts terrifying, foreboding
my heart a shattered mess
my head confused & stressed
the partitions coming down at violent speeds
my wrists becoming fountains again
quiets the chaos when i bleed
*
(feels like spanaway all over again. brief moments of clarity becoming less brief. still wondering wtf is going on or if i'm just going insane completely. beginning to think. think. think. little more clearly.)
*
like the years sans son on the steets sobbing silently
deep inside all the time but
never feeling the sadness
a numbness
how many nights went by where i didn't look up
before i even realized
why i
couldn't look up
wondering now how much more
i failed him
because
i never thought
to look up
the stars
the scars
innocent blue-eyed angel
clutching that hand-sewn square of
green silk
wondering where
why
***

.....out with the blades again risking poor grades again fuck it i'm done

beginning to feel like
all these years never able to stay
take a deep breath
let isht in
all these things my mind
locked away and hid the key
protecting me them or them from me
the constant chemical fog
struggling just to survive the streets
the Game the creeps
i was asleep