RP LOG with tenderluvnlisa | More secrets discovered
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Bella hadn't slept last night. The worry and stress just got the better of her, and because she hadn't rested, the morning sickness hit her with a vengeance that day. Her rounds felt like they took triple the time they usually did, and her back was hurting to match the headache already plaguing her brain. She left the pile of bed files at the nurses' station and apologetically requested one of the student nurses deliver them back to the patients' rooms for her so she didn't need to walk around again. She just wanted to sit down in her office for a little while, to get off her feet. She had no appointments that day, luckily, and no planned surgeries. She had discharged five patients the day before, and other than one palliative lady who probably wouldn't make it to the end of the week, everyone else seemed to be okay for the moment. However, there was one patient she just couldn't be sure was okay at all.
After leaving Rick's place the night before, Bella had tried to stop by Dave's place again, to get him to open the door to her so she could just keep him company so he didn't need to be alone. He didn't answer the bell, though, and he didn't answer her phone calls. He still wasn't answering her phone calls this morning, though the only thing that ceased her urge to panic about his well-being was the fact that Lisa had apparently received a voicemail off her big brother that morning telling her he was 'going out of town' for a couple of days. Lisa had been confused, of course, but figured he was just stressed and wanted to get away with Aimee for a couple of days to chill out. Nothing more had been said on the subject, even if Bella worried it might mean Dave was going to end up in another hospital in Florida to get the treatment so no one here had to know.
She was heading back to her office, pushing the messy loose strands of her hair back off her face tiredly when she realised her office door was open. That was strange, she was sure she closed and locked it. But her nurses and colleagues did have a key to it in case they needed to use it while she was away from her desk. Hopefully her pregnant brain hadn't caused her to forget to lock it, because she had secure and confidential patient files in there. When she entered the room and found Lisa standing by her desk, Bella raised her eyebrows a little. "Is there something you've lost, Li--" But the words died on her lips and she paled when, in a cold dread, she realised that she had left Dave's medical records on her desk that morning when she was trying to call him. She hadn't locked them in her cabinet like she normally would, figuring her round would just be quick. "Oh god, Lisa."
Lisa just felt confused. And hurt. She hadn't meant to be snooping in files, but how could she not want to read her brother's? Dave had disappeared out of town, and she supposed she'd just wanted to assure herself that there was no medical proof that he was overworking himself and doing damage to his remission. Only, he wasn't technically in remission anymore, was he? He had stage three testicular cancer, and all Lisa could do was stare at the file on the desk. "I wasn't... I just wanted to leave you some notes about Mr Gardener. I didn't want to forget, and I know you've been busy. Thought it would just be easier." She reached up to touch the side of her glasses before her hand dropped back down uselessly and Lisa didn't move to get away from Bella's desk. Her feet just didn't want to work.
Bella was nearly sick. Seeing Lisa's reaction, she didn't need to ask if she had seen Dave's file. Of course she had. Any caring and concerned sister would look. If Bella was in Lisa's shoes, and this was Aaron, she would look. Nothing would stop the temptation. "Lisa..." she said quietly, not sure what she was supposed to say right now. She couldn't just leave it like this. Dave had asked her not to tell anyone, but she hadn't actually said anything, had she? She had slipped up, but could he have really managed to hide completely? Not when he had so many people attached to him at the hospital who cared about him. She closed her office door and then went over to her desk, resting her hand gently on Lisa's shoulder. "Sit down, love. We need to talk about this."
Lisa ran her tongue over her lips as she tried to moisten them and sat down numbly as she finally managed to look up at her boss. "How... he's... I'm sorry, I'm just... Is this why he's gone? He just said he wasn't getting away. Why hasn't he said anything? Why hasn't anyone caught it before now. Stage three?!" The anger was starting to bubble up inside her and she slapped her hand down on the file. "He wasn't going to fucking tell me was he?"
It suddenly felt like she had the weight of the world upon her and she couldn't maintain it anymore, sitting down heavily beside Lisa. She looked at Dave's file with a small frown. "He said he needed time. And to be fair, Lisa, he only found out the diagnosis yesterday. Until just very recently, this has been asymptomatic. Beyond tiredness and a sensation of malaise, he didn't realise anything was wrong. He just thought he didn't have the stamina everyone else did. That Chris did. He came to me when things took a bad turn and he began to feel worse. He hasn't told anyone. He said he needed time. He's trying to protect everyone, with everything else that has been going on."
"Who's going to protect him?" Lisa asked in a whisper as she felt the tears sting the backs of her eyes. She knew she was in danger of losing it. Just like she had been the first time Dave had been diagnosed. She could be strong in front of him, and for him, but she hadn't been protected for this sort of a shock. She sat forward in the chair and rest her head in her hand. "Fuck... Why? Why him? He doesn't deserve to go through all this again."
"That's the question I've been asking myself since he appeared in my office two days ago," Bella admitted and slipped her arm around Lisa's shoulders, giving her a hug. "There are no answers why, Lisa. He deserves to be a cut a break, but it doesn't look like it's coming yet. I didn't know how I was going to keep this a secret. I don't even know if he's gone elsewhere to get the treatment right now. He might try to. He was really upset. I took him home last night, and offered to keep him company, but he didn't want it. He needed to be alone. I had him here most of yesterday having tests, and he was here the day before when he first came to me. He's not doing so well, Lisa. I wish I could reassure you, but he's just not. He's not well and he's in pain. He shouldn't be alone."
Lisa hugged Bella back gratefully, even if it was strange receiving comfort from her boss. Her mind was working into overtime trying to work out if Dave would go somewhere else to get treatment. If he was worried about people knowing, then he wouldn't want to get treatment here at Miami Hospital when he knew the staff. "Drew said he'd seen Dave here, but he just said it had to have been work related. Only it was Dave's day off and my head just wasn't going along with the information, you know? Something felt wrong. I just... He shouldn't have to hide. Not from his family. I can't let him go through this alone. I won't."
Bella shook her head. "Definitely wasn't work-related. I took bloods and urine from him the day before, and had him back yesterday for an ultrasound and CT." She pulled the file closer so she could get the tests results out for Lisa to see. She would process it better with the facts, being an oncology nurse. "The ultrasound there shows the testicular mass. While the other is completely clear, this one is riddled, and it's causing him a lot of pain. I couldn't even give him a physical examination the day before. He nearly vomited from the pain when I tried. But the CT shows it's spread to the abdominal lymph nodes, which is what tells me it's Stage Three. So far, that seems to be as far as it's gotten. I want remove the testicle and the lymph nodes ASAP, but he needs time to process this. He is just... absolutely terrified you're all going to go through that pain again. He wants to shield you from it."
"And again, I have to ask... who's the one shielding him? Does Aimee even know? She doesn't know, does she?" Lisa took the file again to read it, this time not needing to feel like she was sneaking around her boss' back by doing so. Bella was right there giving her the info. Surgery would definitely be the best route to take right now. "What if he never processes it? He's going to be wondering what the fuck he ever did to deserve it. It's easy to say he didn't do anything, but it's something else for him to know that. And Aimee... Poor Aimee. If she's been trying to touch him it's probably been as welcome as a poker up the ass."
"I wish I had the answers for you. You don't know how much I wish that. No one is shielding him because he is pushing everyone away. I think he has tried to talk to Chris about some of the things bothering him lately, but Chris hasn't had the capacity to realise something was wrong. He's still trying to regain his own strength. He's also been having sexual problems for awhile. Since he started dating Aimee, I believe. Before that, well, he tells me he hadn't dated anyone since before his original diagnosis. It seems in this case that those problems point more to this tumour than any remaining effects from the chemo. He's devastated, and I'm not sure he is processing it. Not really. I could have admitted him and had him in surgery today, but he wanted time, and I had to give it to him," Bella told her reluctantly. "Short of strong-holding him, there was nothing else I could do."
Lisa bit back an angry retort that would have had her screaming at Bella and telling her she should have strong-holded him, but Bella was right. Just like Lisa knew she her reactions were irrational. She couldn't not feel the emotion behind them, though. The anger, the grief at knowing her brother had cancer again. She pushed her glasses up onto the top of her head and reached for a tissue from the box on Bella's desk. "I need to find him... To talk to him. I can't let him runaway this time, and I'm sure as hell not letting him go through this alone. He's going to need someone. I can't believe... All this time, and no one knew. But then who would think it would be a tumour? That he'd be getting cancer... again. He was so happy, so healthy. This is going to break him."
Bella was quiet inititally, Dave's file feeling like it was as prominent in the room as if he was there himself. "It might break him," she corrected softly. "And then again, it might not. Dave's an extremely strong person. What he has done for Chris through all this astounds me. He stepped up when no one else had the strength to. I think he is in shock right now, and that it probably feels like his whole world has been torn out from under him, but no... I don't think he will let this break him. He just needs to know he doesn't have to face it alone. He needs to tell everyone. His family, Chris, Aimee. They need to know, and they will help him not break."
Lisa blew her nose into the tissue and still struggled to keep back the tears silently escaping. "After seeing him yesterday, last night... Do you really believe that this 'time' is going to give him the strength to tell us?"
Bella shook her head. "No, I don't think the time will do that. I think that is a conclusion he needs to come to himself. I'm hoping the time helps him think and realise how hard it was last time, and that he can't do it alone. Hell, if someone like Rick can see the light, Dave has to. It was Dave who helped Rick. But I don't know... seeing Chris' reaction to the cancer the first time, and now with his brother, Dave just might not want to tell anyone."
Lisa shook her head as she leaned back in the chair. "Well, he's not going to get a chance to ignore me at least. I'm not letting him do this alone. He can kiss my ass if he thinks I'd just leave him to it after finding out. Or that he can just keep this shit from us. Jesus... Maybe we did go through pain last time, but he's my brother. I'd go through it fifty times over so long as I knew it helped him with me just being there for him. Do you think he has a chance of pulling through after the surgery? I'm assuming there'd be more chemo, too."
"He has a better chance this time than last time. Testicular cancer has good odds. But it depends on his strength. It's not just going to be chemo, I need to hit him with radiation too. It's one of the better regimes for this type of cancer. It can focus on the damaged areas. It's going to be rough on him, no doubt. Especially after how he coped with chemo last time. I suppose with something like this, it relies a lot on the mental frame of mind. Losing a testicle for a guy is a really big thing. Plus, there is the fact that he apparently lost a girlfriend last time around when she couldn't cope with his illness? He's got to be assuming by this point that he's going to lose Aimee by default." Bella rubbed a hand over her face. She was relieved Lisa had found out, no matter how guilty she felt.
"He's not going to know for sure unless he actually gives Aimee a chance, but I get it. I don't like it, but I get it. I can't blame Dave for taking this hard. For not being able to deal. I'd probably run away too if it was me. I just... I can't lose him. Not like this. Not when we watched him fight so hard the first time around. It's also probably going to put the final nail in any hopes for a family. Not that Dave was probably... you know... sterile." Lisa started to tear at the tissue nervously, and bit down on her lip. "I don't know what to do, Dr Watson."
Bella swallowed with a small nod. The infertility notion was something she was prominently aware of. "People should never completely give up hope on that front, though. He'll still have one. There'll be hope," she replied and folded her hands over in her lap. "We can't judge him on his reactions. None of us have been through what he is going through. If he needs to be away for a bit, then maybe that's just okay. I'll keep trying to get in touch with him. Even if he does go elsewhere for treatment, he's still a doctor and he's still not going to make any stupid decisions. He'll need his medical history off me for that. You just need to be there for him, Lisa. I can't promise it's going to be okay or easy. I tried that with Rick and Chris, and look what happened."
Lisa pulled her mouth to the side before she smiled a little. "Yeah, but you weren't in control of that. You wouldn't have known what was going to happen. Besides which, look what you got out of it. You have Rick and there's the whole... you-know-what thing," she added as she nodded at Bella's stomach. It was yet another secret Lisa should have never been privy to, but she was. "I know he probably won't want to get treatment here considering how many eyes and ears this place has, but at least he has the people that care about him here."
"Well, it isn't like us girls can have a sperm count test, is it? Granted, Dave's last sperm test said his swimmers weren't out in their Speedos, but that was just a couple of months after he finished chemo. It could be better now. Time will just have to tell once he recovers from this set back. My situation is... it could still come back to haunt me," Bella admitted in a small voice. "I'm not entirely in control of Dave's situation either. None of us can be, because it's so unpredictable. I can just do my best for him and decide on the best treatment route. If he lets me. We have the best oncology facilities in Florida here. He needs to be here. He doesn't need to add to his pain and stress by going elsewhere. His family and friends care about him. They'll do whatever it takes to make sure he gets through this as easily as he can, even if the whole thing will be hard. Even Chris, who is suffering himself... he'll step up for Dave. Dave is like a brother to him."
Lisa nodded again as she reached up to take out her ponytail which suddenly felt ridiculously tight. She also felt like she was having some kind of hot flush. Her cheeks were burning and she felt like she'd sweated up a storm. This was what she didn't miss about crying. "Are you okay? Maybe we should just move Dave into Chris' place, too. Everyone can stay in one central location. Then the boys can be there for each other. Chris will still be getting his energy levels up, so Dave's not going to want to risk that. He's going to keep it from Chris again."
Before Bella could stop herself, she literally giggle-snorted and then had to put her hand over her mouth and hold the other one up apologetically. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't laugh, but can you imagine three sick guys in one small space together, one of which is Chris Deleo? Did you miss the buzzer Stairway to Heaven rendition? And telling Nurse Stevens she was like Hitler? Not to mention the fact he re-sited his own cannula five times in less than three days. He is going to be banned from ever being a patient again. Would you want to be on Chris, Dave, and Rick watch? I'm not sure I would," she admitted in amusement.
Lisa's eyebrows had shot up at the giggle-snort, but as Bella explained she started to smirk. "At least it would keep life interesting. Chris has lost his brother to keep him sane, and even Serena's starting to not be around as much as she used to. She's getting ready to go back to work. Chris has always hated being a patient, so it's any wonder he's a little shit about it. He wants out, and he wants home."
"Oh, I know. He tried to check himself out and go home with Rick. The attempt to dress himself was a complete failure and he could barely stay on his feet after, but that was fit for discharge in his eyes. I think the only reason he relented was because of their mom and Rick reassuring him he was doing good. Rick managed to talk him around, even if I know that hint of a look in Rick's eyes that he really wanted Chris to be going with him so he could still see that Chris would be okay out of his line of sight. I'll tell you, he's been an asshole to his brother in the past, for sure, but he is making up for it now. This is all Chris wanted." Bella paused for a moment, frowning as she thought back to the night before. She had spilled Dave's secret to Rick and she felt terrible about it, yet it had given her someone to talk to about it, even if there was no solution. "I just worry Rick's not doing as well as he says. Right now, I think I just want to smack all three of them."
Lisa nodded. "You and me both, but nurses just get their revenge in other ways," she promised with a smirk. "Do you really think Rick's not doing that well? I didn't even ask... I've just been so focused on Dave. I can't... I just can't stomach the idea of him going through all this alone. I know he'll probably decide eventually to tell us. But I just hate the idea that he might not. That he might not want us there supporting him because he will decide that he's okay to handle it himself. That he doesn't want to be a burden."
"To be honest, Lisa, I have faith in Dave. I do. He's not stupid, and he understands peoples' pain. He's just in a lot of shock. This has been his worst fear, and here it is. When I left him, he could barely even talk because he was so choked up. I was so relieved when you told me this morning in passing that he had left you a message. He told me he just wanted to go to bed and sleep, and I'm hoping that he did. I think his mind was already trying to shut down to cope with it. I'm really, really hoping he takes this time to sort out his mind and then comes back to me for his treatment. I can offer him the best, and everyone who loves him is here to support him. I just wish Chris could know. I know the infamous Dr C could talk him around with this." Bella rubbed the back of her neck and then moved on to her shoulders, feeling all the tension pool there. "Rick's... I don't know. He's projecting. I can see in his eyes something's not quite right. But he wanted to go home with his Mom, so I can't stick my nose in and interfere. Are you okay? Do you need anything? Do you want to take the rest of the day off? You just tell me if you need anything, okay?"
"Why can't you stick your nose in? Aren't you his... um, you know. Girlfriend? You're more than his doctor, you have a right to ask Rick how he's going." Lisa tucked her hair behind her ear and gave a small shake of her head even if she went back to clutching the tissue in her hands tightly. "No, no... I can't imagine anything worse than having the day off. I'll be stuck at home talking myself into all sorts of crazy things when it comes to Dave. I'll be okay, but thank you for the offer. Are you sure you don't need anything?"
Bella shook her head. "No, I'm his doctor above everything else. I offered for him to come stay with me, but he didn't want it. I ask him how he is, he tells me, and I have to take his word on that. For all I know, he misses the hospital food. I'm not going to make issues where there are no issues to be made. My patients don't need the added stress. It's why I didn't want to pressure Dave into talking to anyone. Stress is detrimental to their recovery. No, I'm fine. I'm tougher than I look. I was going to drop in on Chris, but I'm not sure I can face him with what I know. Or if I have the energy to have him interrogate me about letting him go home."
Lisa nodded slowly. "I know what you mean. I'm not sure I have the energy to see Chris either, but Serena might need relieving. Or Chris might just need a distraction and since Dave can't provide it, I might just take up the mantle. It's not like I've never dealt with a difficult patient. But it's okay, I'll keep the secret. I won't say a word until Dave does."
"It's probably not a good idea, Lisa. Chris is a good reader of people. He'll know if something is wrong. I'll see if Tuck will keep him company for awhile. Whatever it takes from keeping him checking himself out. Part of me thinks he's probably just better off at home anyway, but I'm not going to tell him that. I should go. I need to talk to the Urologist about Dave's case. If you want to go home, you just let me know, okay? It's okay if you do," Bella assured her.
Lisa dragged herself up from Bella's desk chair even if she wanted to just stay there and turned to give her boss a brief hug. "I promise I'll let you know. Thanks for... Just thank you. I promise this is the last time I'll read any files without your knowledge. I know you'll take care of my brother. And at least he has someone to talk to if he needs it."
"I'll keep trying to convince him," Bella promised. It was all she could promise, really. Everything else was just hopeless at the moment. Dave wasn't her first patient who had run away after receiving a diagnosis, and he wouldn't be the last. She could only hope that he would take the time he needed and then came back to her for help. He needed it. There was no way he could face this alone without going insane.
Word Count | 4,434
Bella hadn't slept last night. The worry and stress just got the better of her, and because she hadn't rested, the morning sickness hit her with a vengeance that day. Her rounds felt like they took triple the time they usually did, and her back was hurting to match the headache already plaguing her brain. She left the pile of bed files at the nurses' station and apologetically requested one of the student nurses deliver them back to the patients' rooms for her so she didn't need to walk around again. She just wanted to sit down in her office for a little while, to get off her feet. She had no appointments that day, luckily, and no planned surgeries. She had discharged five patients the day before, and other than one palliative lady who probably wouldn't make it to the end of the week, everyone else seemed to be okay for the moment. However, there was one patient she just couldn't be sure was okay at all.
After leaving Rick's place the night before, Bella had tried to stop by Dave's place again, to get him to open the door to her so she could just keep him company so he didn't need to be alone. He didn't answer the bell, though, and he didn't answer her phone calls. He still wasn't answering her phone calls this morning, though the only thing that ceased her urge to panic about his well-being was the fact that Lisa had apparently received a voicemail off her big brother that morning telling her he was 'going out of town' for a couple of days. Lisa had been confused, of course, but figured he was just stressed and wanted to get away with Aimee for a couple of days to chill out. Nothing more had been said on the subject, even if Bella worried it might mean Dave was going to end up in another hospital in Florida to get the treatment so no one here had to know.
She was heading back to her office, pushing the messy loose strands of her hair back off her face tiredly when she realised her office door was open. That was strange, she was sure she closed and locked it. But her nurses and colleagues did have a key to it in case they needed to use it while she was away from her desk. Hopefully her pregnant brain hadn't caused her to forget to lock it, because she had secure and confidential patient files in there. When she entered the room and found Lisa standing by her desk, Bella raised her eyebrows a little. "Is there something you've lost, Li--" But the words died on her lips and she paled when, in a cold dread, she realised that she had left Dave's medical records on her desk that morning when she was trying to call him. She hadn't locked them in her cabinet like she normally would, figuring her round would just be quick. "Oh god, Lisa."
Lisa just felt confused. And hurt. She hadn't meant to be snooping in files, but how could she not want to read her brother's? Dave had disappeared out of town, and she supposed she'd just wanted to assure herself that there was no medical proof that he was overworking himself and doing damage to his remission. Only, he wasn't technically in remission anymore, was he? He had stage three testicular cancer, and all Lisa could do was stare at the file on the desk. "I wasn't... I just wanted to leave you some notes about Mr Gardener. I didn't want to forget, and I know you've been busy. Thought it would just be easier." She reached up to touch the side of her glasses before her hand dropped back down uselessly and Lisa didn't move to get away from Bella's desk. Her feet just didn't want to work.
Bella was nearly sick. Seeing Lisa's reaction, she didn't need to ask if she had seen Dave's file. Of course she had. Any caring and concerned sister would look. If Bella was in Lisa's shoes, and this was Aaron, she would look. Nothing would stop the temptation. "Lisa..." she said quietly, not sure what she was supposed to say right now. She couldn't just leave it like this. Dave had asked her not to tell anyone, but she hadn't actually said anything, had she? She had slipped up, but could he have really managed to hide completely? Not when he had so many people attached to him at the hospital who cared about him. She closed her office door and then went over to her desk, resting her hand gently on Lisa's shoulder. "Sit down, love. We need to talk about this."
Lisa ran her tongue over her lips as she tried to moisten them and sat down numbly as she finally managed to look up at her boss. "How... he's... I'm sorry, I'm just... Is this why he's gone? He just said he wasn't getting away. Why hasn't he said anything? Why hasn't anyone caught it before now. Stage three?!" The anger was starting to bubble up inside her and she slapped her hand down on the file. "He wasn't going to fucking tell me was he?"
It suddenly felt like she had the weight of the world upon her and she couldn't maintain it anymore, sitting down heavily beside Lisa. She looked at Dave's file with a small frown. "He said he needed time. And to be fair, Lisa, he only found out the diagnosis yesterday. Until just very recently, this has been asymptomatic. Beyond tiredness and a sensation of malaise, he didn't realise anything was wrong. He just thought he didn't have the stamina everyone else did. That Chris did. He came to me when things took a bad turn and he began to feel worse. He hasn't told anyone. He said he needed time. He's trying to protect everyone, with everything else that has been going on."
"Who's going to protect him?" Lisa asked in a whisper as she felt the tears sting the backs of her eyes. She knew she was in danger of losing it. Just like she had been the first time Dave had been diagnosed. She could be strong in front of him, and for him, but she hadn't been protected for this sort of a shock. She sat forward in the chair and rest her head in her hand. "Fuck... Why? Why him? He doesn't deserve to go through all this again."
"That's the question I've been asking myself since he appeared in my office two days ago," Bella admitted and slipped her arm around Lisa's shoulders, giving her a hug. "There are no answers why, Lisa. He deserves to be a cut a break, but it doesn't look like it's coming yet. I didn't know how I was going to keep this a secret. I don't even know if he's gone elsewhere to get the treatment right now. He might try to. He was really upset. I took him home last night, and offered to keep him company, but he didn't want it. He needed to be alone. I had him here most of yesterday having tests, and he was here the day before when he first came to me. He's not doing so well, Lisa. I wish I could reassure you, but he's just not. He's not well and he's in pain. He shouldn't be alone."
Lisa hugged Bella back gratefully, even if it was strange receiving comfort from her boss. Her mind was working into overtime trying to work out if Dave would go somewhere else to get treatment. If he was worried about people knowing, then he wouldn't want to get treatment here at Miami Hospital when he knew the staff. "Drew said he'd seen Dave here, but he just said it had to have been work related. Only it was Dave's day off and my head just wasn't going along with the information, you know? Something felt wrong. I just... He shouldn't have to hide. Not from his family. I can't let him go through this alone. I won't."
Bella shook her head. "Definitely wasn't work-related. I took bloods and urine from him the day before, and had him back yesterday for an ultrasound and CT." She pulled the file closer so she could get the tests results out for Lisa to see. She would process it better with the facts, being an oncology nurse. "The ultrasound there shows the testicular mass. While the other is completely clear, this one is riddled, and it's causing him a lot of pain. I couldn't even give him a physical examination the day before. He nearly vomited from the pain when I tried. But the CT shows it's spread to the abdominal lymph nodes, which is what tells me it's Stage Three. So far, that seems to be as far as it's gotten. I want remove the testicle and the lymph nodes ASAP, but he needs time to process this. He is just... absolutely terrified you're all going to go through that pain again. He wants to shield you from it."
"And again, I have to ask... who's the one shielding him? Does Aimee even know? She doesn't know, does she?" Lisa took the file again to read it, this time not needing to feel like she was sneaking around her boss' back by doing so. Bella was right there giving her the info. Surgery would definitely be the best route to take right now. "What if he never processes it? He's going to be wondering what the fuck he ever did to deserve it. It's easy to say he didn't do anything, but it's something else for him to know that. And Aimee... Poor Aimee. If she's been trying to touch him it's probably been as welcome as a poker up the ass."
"I wish I had the answers for you. You don't know how much I wish that. No one is shielding him because he is pushing everyone away. I think he has tried to talk to Chris about some of the things bothering him lately, but Chris hasn't had the capacity to realise something was wrong. He's still trying to regain his own strength. He's also been having sexual problems for awhile. Since he started dating Aimee, I believe. Before that, well, he tells me he hadn't dated anyone since before his original diagnosis. It seems in this case that those problems point more to this tumour than any remaining effects from the chemo. He's devastated, and I'm not sure he is processing it. Not really. I could have admitted him and had him in surgery today, but he wanted time, and I had to give it to him," Bella told her reluctantly. "Short of strong-holding him, there was nothing else I could do."
Lisa bit back an angry retort that would have had her screaming at Bella and telling her she should have strong-holded him, but Bella was right. Just like Lisa knew she her reactions were irrational. She couldn't not feel the emotion behind them, though. The anger, the grief at knowing her brother had cancer again. She pushed her glasses up onto the top of her head and reached for a tissue from the box on Bella's desk. "I need to find him... To talk to him. I can't let him runaway this time, and I'm sure as hell not letting him go through this alone. He's going to need someone. I can't believe... All this time, and no one knew. But then who would think it would be a tumour? That he'd be getting cancer... again. He was so happy, so healthy. This is going to break him."
Bella was quiet inititally, Dave's file feeling like it was as prominent in the room as if he was there himself. "It might break him," she corrected softly. "And then again, it might not. Dave's an extremely strong person. What he has done for Chris through all this astounds me. He stepped up when no one else had the strength to. I think he is in shock right now, and that it probably feels like his whole world has been torn out from under him, but no... I don't think he will let this break him. He just needs to know he doesn't have to face it alone. He needs to tell everyone. His family, Chris, Aimee. They need to know, and they will help him not break."
Lisa blew her nose into the tissue and still struggled to keep back the tears silently escaping. "After seeing him yesterday, last night... Do you really believe that this 'time' is going to give him the strength to tell us?"
Bella shook her head. "No, I don't think the time will do that. I think that is a conclusion he needs to come to himself. I'm hoping the time helps him think and realise how hard it was last time, and that he can't do it alone. Hell, if someone like Rick can see the light, Dave has to. It was Dave who helped Rick. But I don't know... seeing Chris' reaction to the cancer the first time, and now with his brother, Dave just might not want to tell anyone."
Lisa shook her head as she leaned back in the chair. "Well, he's not going to get a chance to ignore me at least. I'm not letting him do this alone. He can kiss my ass if he thinks I'd just leave him to it after finding out. Or that he can just keep this shit from us. Jesus... Maybe we did go through pain last time, but he's my brother. I'd go through it fifty times over so long as I knew it helped him with me just being there for him. Do you think he has a chance of pulling through after the surgery? I'm assuming there'd be more chemo, too."
"He has a better chance this time than last time. Testicular cancer has good odds. But it depends on his strength. It's not just going to be chemo, I need to hit him with radiation too. It's one of the better regimes for this type of cancer. It can focus on the damaged areas. It's going to be rough on him, no doubt. Especially after how he coped with chemo last time. I suppose with something like this, it relies a lot on the mental frame of mind. Losing a testicle for a guy is a really big thing. Plus, there is the fact that he apparently lost a girlfriend last time around when she couldn't cope with his illness? He's got to be assuming by this point that he's going to lose Aimee by default." Bella rubbed a hand over her face. She was relieved Lisa had found out, no matter how guilty she felt.
"He's not going to know for sure unless he actually gives Aimee a chance, but I get it. I don't like it, but I get it. I can't blame Dave for taking this hard. For not being able to deal. I'd probably run away too if it was me. I just... I can't lose him. Not like this. Not when we watched him fight so hard the first time around. It's also probably going to put the final nail in any hopes for a family. Not that Dave was probably... you know... sterile." Lisa started to tear at the tissue nervously, and bit down on her lip. "I don't know what to do, Dr Watson."
Bella swallowed with a small nod. The infertility notion was something she was prominently aware of. "People should never completely give up hope on that front, though. He'll still have one. There'll be hope," she replied and folded her hands over in her lap. "We can't judge him on his reactions. None of us have been through what he is going through. If he needs to be away for a bit, then maybe that's just okay. I'll keep trying to get in touch with him. Even if he does go elsewhere for treatment, he's still a doctor and he's still not going to make any stupid decisions. He'll need his medical history off me for that. You just need to be there for him, Lisa. I can't promise it's going to be okay or easy. I tried that with Rick and Chris, and look what happened."
Lisa pulled her mouth to the side before she smiled a little. "Yeah, but you weren't in control of that. You wouldn't have known what was going to happen. Besides which, look what you got out of it. You have Rick and there's the whole... you-know-what thing," she added as she nodded at Bella's stomach. It was yet another secret Lisa should have never been privy to, but she was. "I know he probably won't want to get treatment here considering how many eyes and ears this place has, but at least he has the people that care about him here."
"Well, it isn't like us girls can have a sperm count test, is it? Granted, Dave's last sperm test said his swimmers weren't out in their Speedos, but that was just a couple of months after he finished chemo. It could be better now. Time will just have to tell once he recovers from this set back. My situation is... it could still come back to haunt me," Bella admitted in a small voice. "I'm not entirely in control of Dave's situation either. None of us can be, because it's so unpredictable. I can just do my best for him and decide on the best treatment route. If he lets me. We have the best oncology facilities in Florida here. He needs to be here. He doesn't need to add to his pain and stress by going elsewhere. His family and friends care about him. They'll do whatever it takes to make sure he gets through this as easily as he can, even if the whole thing will be hard. Even Chris, who is suffering himself... he'll step up for Dave. Dave is like a brother to him."
Lisa nodded again as she reached up to take out her ponytail which suddenly felt ridiculously tight. She also felt like she was having some kind of hot flush. Her cheeks were burning and she felt like she'd sweated up a storm. This was what she didn't miss about crying. "Are you okay? Maybe we should just move Dave into Chris' place, too. Everyone can stay in one central location. Then the boys can be there for each other. Chris will still be getting his energy levels up, so Dave's not going to want to risk that. He's going to keep it from Chris again."
Before Bella could stop herself, she literally giggle-snorted and then had to put her hand over her mouth and hold the other one up apologetically. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't laugh, but can you imagine three sick guys in one small space together, one of which is Chris Deleo? Did you miss the buzzer Stairway to Heaven rendition? And telling Nurse Stevens she was like Hitler? Not to mention the fact he re-sited his own cannula five times in less than three days. He is going to be banned from ever being a patient again. Would you want to be on Chris, Dave, and Rick watch? I'm not sure I would," she admitted in amusement.
Lisa's eyebrows had shot up at the giggle-snort, but as Bella explained she started to smirk. "At least it would keep life interesting. Chris has lost his brother to keep him sane, and even Serena's starting to not be around as much as she used to. She's getting ready to go back to work. Chris has always hated being a patient, so it's any wonder he's a little shit about it. He wants out, and he wants home."
"Oh, I know. He tried to check himself out and go home with Rick. The attempt to dress himself was a complete failure and he could barely stay on his feet after, but that was fit for discharge in his eyes. I think the only reason he relented was because of their mom and Rick reassuring him he was doing good. Rick managed to talk him around, even if I know that hint of a look in Rick's eyes that he really wanted Chris to be going with him so he could still see that Chris would be okay out of his line of sight. I'll tell you, he's been an asshole to his brother in the past, for sure, but he is making up for it now. This is all Chris wanted." Bella paused for a moment, frowning as she thought back to the night before. She had spilled Dave's secret to Rick and she felt terrible about it, yet it had given her someone to talk to about it, even if there was no solution. "I just worry Rick's not doing as well as he says. Right now, I think I just want to smack all three of them."
Lisa nodded. "You and me both, but nurses just get their revenge in other ways," she promised with a smirk. "Do you really think Rick's not doing that well? I didn't even ask... I've just been so focused on Dave. I can't... I just can't stomach the idea of him going through all this alone. I know he'll probably decide eventually to tell us. But I just hate the idea that he might not. That he might not want us there supporting him because he will decide that he's okay to handle it himself. That he doesn't want to be a burden."
"To be honest, Lisa, I have faith in Dave. I do. He's not stupid, and he understands peoples' pain. He's just in a lot of shock. This has been his worst fear, and here it is. When I left him, he could barely even talk because he was so choked up. I was so relieved when you told me this morning in passing that he had left you a message. He told me he just wanted to go to bed and sleep, and I'm hoping that he did. I think his mind was already trying to shut down to cope with it. I'm really, really hoping he takes this time to sort out his mind and then comes back to me for his treatment. I can offer him the best, and everyone who loves him is here to support him. I just wish Chris could know. I know the infamous Dr C could talk him around with this." Bella rubbed the back of her neck and then moved on to her shoulders, feeling all the tension pool there. "Rick's... I don't know. He's projecting. I can see in his eyes something's not quite right. But he wanted to go home with his Mom, so I can't stick my nose in and interfere. Are you okay? Do you need anything? Do you want to take the rest of the day off? You just tell me if you need anything, okay?"
"Why can't you stick your nose in? Aren't you his... um, you know. Girlfriend? You're more than his doctor, you have a right to ask Rick how he's going." Lisa tucked her hair behind her ear and gave a small shake of her head even if she went back to clutching the tissue in her hands tightly. "No, no... I can't imagine anything worse than having the day off. I'll be stuck at home talking myself into all sorts of crazy things when it comes to Dave. I'll be okay, but thank you for the offer. Are you sure you don't need anything?"
Bella shook her head. "No, I'm his doctor above everything else. I offered for him to come stay with me, but he didn't want it. I ask him how he is, he tells me, and I have to take his word on that. For all I know, he misses the hospital food. I'm not going to make issues where there are no issues to be made. My patients don't need the added stress. It's why I didn't want to pressure Dave into talking to anyone. Stress is detrimental to their recovery. No, I'm fine. I'm tougher than I look. I was going to drop in on Chris, but I'm not sure I can face him with what I know. Or if I have the energy to have him interrogate me about letting him go home."
Lisa nodded slowly. "I know what you mean. I'm not sure I have the energy to see Chris either, but Serena might need relieving. Or Chris might just need a distraction and since Dave can't provide it, I might just take up the mantle. It's not like I've never dealt with a difficult patient. But it's okay, I'll keep the secret. I won't say a word until Dave does."
"It's probably not a good idea, Lisa. Chris is a good reader of people. He'll know if something is wrong. I'll see if Tuck will keep him company for awhile. Whatever it takes from keeping him checking himself out. Part of me thinks he's probably just better off at home anyway, but I'm not going to tell him that. I should go. I need to talk to the Urologist about Dave's case. If you want to go home, you just let me know, okay? It's okay if you do," Bella assured her.
Lisa dragged herself up from Bella's desk chair even if she wanted to just stay there and turned to give her boss a brief hug. "I promise I'll let you know. Thanks for... Just thank you. I promise this is the last time I'll read any files without your knowledge. I know you'll take care of my brother. And at least he has someone to talk to if he needs it."
"I'll keep trying to convince him," Bella promised. It was all she could promise, really. Everything else was just hopeless at the moment. Dave wasn't her first patient who had run away after receiving a diagnosis, and he wouldn't be the last. She could only hope that he would take the time he needed and then came back to her for help. He needed it. There was no way he could face this alone without going insane.
Word Count | 4,434