The right to not have sex
Since I posted that news article, I've been thinking about it. About the problems that lead to a tightening of rape laws, and about the silliness of the solution. (I'm now fairly sure that the MP in question wasn't really serious about the contract, but was making a point that she thought the new laws were too tough, and the Herald Sun misunderstood.)
A few disclaimers before I start, as many essays are wont to do: I'm writing this from the twin assumptions that nobody is entitled to sex from anybody else and everyone has the right to refuse to have sex. I take those two assumptions as applying to men, women and others, to homosexual, heterosexual or not-quite-either relationships. Women can commit rape. Men can be victims of rape. I don't have to be told that it's just as likely in same-sex relationships as heterosexual ones. But having said that, from this point on I'm going to refer mainly to hypothetical heterosexual relationships, as it seems to be heterosexual relations that have prompted the fuss.
Now, I made a comment in the previous post that I think issues like this are a result of us turning to the legal system too much. Rape and consent are notions that can be very, very fuzzy and don't fit into the kinds of parameters required by the courts in order to reach a verdict. The specific generic/hypothetical situation that seems to be giving people trouble is this: a woman and a man agree to have sex with each other. At some point after this (during foreplay? The arguments make it unclear) the woman changes her mind and states that she no longer wants to have sex. The law currently proposed in SA would make it a crime for the man to continue to have sex with her in this situation.
From where I'm standing, my first reaction is of course a woman has the right to withdraw consent. Of course it's wrong to continue to have sex with someone who not only doesn't want it but has clearly communicated the refusal. But there's an underlying idea here that the initial consent cannot be withdrawn, or that men get 'confused' and think that once a woman has said anything consensual it's okay for them to continue a sex act even if the woman doesn't want to. Or that it's unfair to men to lead them on like this - so unfair that a man should be allowed to go ahead and have sex anyway.
Obviously my bias is showing through there. I've been in both positions - that is, I've had someone agree to have sex with me and later change their mind, and I've agreed to sex and then withdrawn it. In the latter case, I had no malicious intent. I was not thinking about leading anyone on. I consented initially... well, for various reasons, and I then decided not to go through with it because once we started the gut feeling and the voice in my head saying "This is wrong, wrong, wrong" drowned out everything else.
I stand by my point that women must be allowed to 'change their minds' because of this: regardless of whether the law or the court regards the continuation of a sex act in that situation as 'rape', it will not change the fact that that woman will feel that she has been raped. This hypothetical woman is forced to do something that she did not want to do. She is overcome physically, unable to fight back, and her body is invaded against her will. No matter whether the courts call it 'rape' or not, no matter whether this woman can brush it off or whether she is traumatised, it is still a really horrible thing to do to a person, and nothing can change that.
Which is why I think the solution to this needs to be a social/educational one, not a legal one. What has happened to these men to make them care so much about fulfilling their own sexual appetites that they don't care if they hurt their partners to do so? If you don't care about the person you're sleeping with, if you don't care whether they enjoy the experience or whether it's utterly miserable, why are you with them in the first place? What I really want to see is people learning to stop thinking about themselves and their own satisfaction all the time and realise that it's not that hard to pay attention to how your partner is feeling. And learn that if your partner looks utterly miserable, rather than continue what you're doing because YOU like it, it's a better idea to stop for a moment and ask them why.
I need to leave for work now, but I think I've said most of what I wanted to say, albeit not as clearly as I would like. Comments appreciated.
A few disclaimers before I start, as many essays are wont to do: I'm writing this from the twin assumptions that nobody is entitled to sex from anybody else and everyone has the right to refuse to have sex. I take those two assumptions as applying to men, women and others, to homosexual, heterosexual or not-quite-either relationships. Women can commit rape. Men can be victims of rape. I don't have to be told that it's just as likely in same-sex relationships as heterosexual ones. But having said that, from this point on I'm going to refer mainly to hypothetical heterosexual relationships, as it seems to be heterosexual relations that have prompted the fuss.
Now, I made a comment in the previous post that I think issues like this are a result of us turning to the legal system too much. Rape and consent are notions that can be very, very fuzzy and don't fit into the kinds of parameters required by the courts in order to reach a verdict. The specific generic/hypothetical situation that seems to be giving people trouble is this: a woman and a man agree to have sex with each other. At some point after this (during foreplay? The arguments make it unclear) the woman changes her mind and states that she no longer wants to have sex. The law currently proposed in SA would make it a crime for the man to continue to have sex with her in this situation.
From where I'm standing, my first reaction is of course a woman has the right to withdraw consent. Of course it's wrong to continue to have sex with someone who not only doesn't want it but has clearly communicated the refusal. But there's an underlying idea here that the initial consent cannot be withdrawn, or that men get 'confused' and think that once a woman has said anything consensual it's okay for them to continue a sex act even if the woman doesn't want to. Or that it's unfair to men to lead them on like this - so unfair that a man should be allowed to go ahead and have sex anyway.
Obviously my bias is showing through there. I've been in both positions - that is, I've had someone agree to have sex with me and later change their mind, and I've agreed to sex and then withdrawn it. In the latter case, I had no malicious intent. I was not thinking about leading anyone on. I consented initially... well, for various reasons, and I then decided not to go through with it because once we started the gut feeling and the voice in my head saying "This is wrong, wrong, wrong" drowned out everything else.
I stand by my point that women must be allowed to 'change their minds' because of this: regardless of whether the law or the court regards the continuation of a sex act in that situation as 'rape', it will not change the fact that that woman will feel that she has been raped. This hypothetical woman is forced to do something that she did not want to do. She is overcome physically, unable to fight back, and her body is invaded against her will. No matter whether the courts call it 'rape' or not, no matter whether this woman can brush it off or whether she is traumatised, it is still a really horrible thing to do to a person, and nothing can change that.
Which is why I think the solution to this needs to be a social/educational one, not a legal one. What has happened to these men to make them care so much about fulfilling their own sexual appetites that they don't care if they hurt their partners to do so? If you don't care about the person you're sleeping with, if you don't care whether they enjoy the experience or whether it's utterly miserable, why are you with them in the first place? What I really want to see is people learning to stop thinking about themselves and their own satisfaction all the time and realise that it's not that hard to pay attention to how your partner is feeling. And learn that if your partner looks utterly miserable, rather than continue what you're doing because YOU like it, it's a better idea to stop for a moment and ask them why.
I need to leave for work now, but I think I've said most of what I wanted to say, albeit not as clearly as I would like. Comments appreciated.