"It was a dark and steamy night..." Badfic, Part Deux

[halfdutch]

Once upon a time, I posted excerpts from some truly bad smut. And it seemed like time to do it again. I bring you:

BAD FIC, PART DEUX, along with festive reinterpretations.

These fics can be found on fanfiction.net. Yes, it's often just as bad as you suspect.

(Jack/Kate)

• She knew deep in her chest her heart was breaking because she knew she'd have to leave but she pushed it away planning on enjoying every moment of being with him.
  
  Heartbreak later. Sex now. Also? Commas are a tool of the devil.
  
  
• "I'm making love to you fully and properly."
  
  Kate sighed. She knew Jack was uptight, but she'd hope sex would loosen him up. How wrong she was.
  
  ETA: No, wait! Kate always suspected Jack was really a robot.
  
  
• His movements became quicker and beyond all of Kate's beliefs he moved deeper within her.
  
  "It was beyond all my beliefs," she later told a shocked Sun. "But it's not like I was all that religious to begin with."
  
  
• Before she knew it her body was snapping like a stretched rubber band and her orgasm hit her like a freight train.
  
  She never walked again, the victim of a horrendous mixed metaphor.
  
  
• "Kate look at me. Don't say that don't ever say that. I want you to love again I want you to live a long and wonderful life ok" he asked thrusting in her. "When rescue comes, I want you to go home and stop running."
  
  "And I want you to stop talking during sex, OK? Sheesh!" Kate groused.
  
  --
  
  (Sawyer/Kate)
  
  
• She smelled of sweat and blood and alive.
  
  "Alive? Is that what it's called? I never could remember the damn names of women's perfume," Sawyer sighed to himself.
  
  --
  
  (Jack/Kate)
  
  
• She can feel his body on hers, his hands on her waist, and his lips, his wonderful lips against hers, lips she thought she would never get to kiss, lips that she wanted to kiss so many times until that day, the day she kissed him and then ran.
  
  "Those lips, those wonderful lips!" Kate murmured, staring at them in awe.
  
  "Gee, thanks. I try to remember to always use Chapstick," Jack said, pulling out a tube and reapplying the lip balm as she went into a deep swoon.
  
  
• She opens her eyes and sees his eyes lighted up as he has a smile on his lips and you smile back. You both stand there, not wanting to move, just wanting to feel the other person's body closer to yours. You finally realize that this is what you've wanted all along.
  
  "Yes, this! To switch from third person to second person, virtually in midsentence. Yes, at last," she cried. "Now you know what it's like!"
  
  
• She pulls away from the kiss and looks at his chest, filled with hair, hair that's leading down towards his stomach until it is hidden by his jeans.
  
  "Your chest! It's filled with hair," Kate screamed.
  
  "I never meant for you to see that," Jack sighed, closing and locking the wooden chest. "But yes, it's filled with Sawyer's hair." He hung his head in shame. "I've been secretly collecting it all these months."
  
  
• He takes off his shoes with the force of his feet ...
  
  "Gosh, Jack, I didn't know you had superpowers! What else can you do with those feet of yours?"
  
  
• He undoes her jeans, pulling down the zipper, and sliding it off her body.
  
  "OK, you got the zipper off, genius. Now what about the rest of the jeans?"
  
  
• He moves back and looks at her, his eyes traveling down her body, from her tangled brown locks to her breast to her flat stomach, intoxicating thighs, beautiful long legs, and agile ankles back up to her face.
  
  "I ... I didn't know you'd had a mastectomy, Kate. I'm so sorry."
  
  "It's OK. At least I still have my agile ankles. Now, why don't you drink deep of my intoxicating thighs?"
  
  
• He moves closer to her and kisses her passionately, slipping his tongue into her mouth, feeling her moan at this action, their tongues making love to each other.
  
  Jack was encouraged when his tongue-slipping action made her moan. But it was with bitter disappointment that he realized only his tongue was going to get laid tonight.
  
  
• "I don't want to squish you," Jack says looking up at her.
  
  "I don't see how that's possible, since I'm clearly on top if you're looking up," she pointed out, before yelling "I'm going to squish YOU," and bursting into giggles like a six-year-old.

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