101 weeks ago...
...is the last time I updated my livejournal.
It may, in fact, be the last time I even typed the website into my browser.
Am I perhaps newly inspired by the fact that people I know are using it these days?
By the fact that instead of "networking" or lurking or whatever I can just do some good old fashioned writing without referring to myself in the third person?
Or is it a passing rediscovery that will burn out the minute I post this entry? Probably the latter!
But whilst I am here, allow me to just reflect on the fact that 101 weeks ago, it was the day before I moved to Atlanta to be with Liana and live in the Edgewood Circus. I was full of hopes, dreams, and enthusiasms of a better, more creatively fulfilling life outside the vortex of the Jacksonville social scene...a studio, new friends, a more cultured queer scene...I could volunteer at the bike co-op, stop driving so much, have a plot in the commmunity garden, get a job NOT at Starbucks. The possibilities were endless.
Yet, at the same time, I absolutely felt the most gut-wrenching anxiety that something was wrong. I was somehow making a decision against my intuition. In fact, my physically manifested anxiety was getting me to the point where I was scarfing valerian root and drinking chamomile tea like it was water and couldn't sleep, but couldn't get out of bed. Which within weeks of arriving in Atlanta had me in the throws of the worst period of panic I hope to ever experience, and can still only hope to completely recover from.
So, reflection, can you please provide me with some answers?
I come to the conclusion that when you absolutely decide against your intuition, you are living a lie. I still don't know what my intuition was telling me wasn't right. And I can't say that I regret moving, because some of the resources I found in Atlanta, including Liana's support, got me through what might have taken me to some scary edges if the same mental state had seized me in Jacksonville...
So, shit. Enough reflecting. I got a lot of living to do. And if so far, nothing has turned out the way that I thought it might, I need to just stop thinking about how things might turn out at all, and just live every day to the maximum potential.
It may, in fact, be the last time I even typed the website into my browser.
Am I perhaps newly inspired by the fact that people I know are using it these days?
By the fact that instead of "networking" or lurking or whatever I can just do some good old fashioned writing without referring to myself in the third person?
Or is it a passing rediscovery that will burn out the minute I post this entry? Probably the latter!
But whilst I am here, allow me to just reflect on the fact that 101 weeks ago, it was the day before I moved to Atlanta to be with Liana and live in the Edgewood Circus. I was full of hopes, dreams, and enthusiasms of a better, more creatively fulfilling life outside the vortex of the Jacksonville social scene...a studio, new friends, a more cultured queer scene...I could volunteer at the bike co-op, stop driving so much, have a plot in the commmunity garden, get a job NOT at Starbucks. The possibilities were endless.
Yet, at the same time, I absolutely felt the most gut-wrenching anxiety that something was wrong. I was somehow making a decision against my intuition. In fact, my physically manifested anxiety was getting me to the point where I was scarfing valerian root and drinking chamomile tea like it was water and couldn't sleep, but couldn't get out of bed. Which within weeks of arriving in Atlanta had me in the throws of the worst period of panic I hope to ever experience, and can still only hope to completely recover from.
So, reflection, can you please provide me with some answers?
I come to the conclusion that when you absolutely decide against your intuition, you are living a lie. I still don't know what my intuition was telling me wasn't right. And I can't say that I regret moving, because some of the resources I found in Atlanta, including Liana's support, got me through what might have taken me to some scary edges if the same mental state had seized me in Jacksonville...
So, shit. Enough reflecting. I got a lot of living to do. And if so far, nothing has turned out the way that I thought it might, I need to just stop thinking about how things might turn out at all, and just live every day to the maximum potential.