Boyfriend Touching 101

[halfcocked]

[GOES HERE.]

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[halfcocked]

[knocking on Hakuren's door.]

[a_holy_oak]

[not getting up, since his hands are still pretty bad] --It's open.

[halfcocked]

[comes in, quietly, and shuts the door; he's shaking and tear-stained]

[a_holy_oak]

[sitting up a little, surprised] --Devit?

[halfcocked]

[coming over to sit down]

. . . I ruined it. I'm sorry. I didn't kill anyone, but I ruined it--after all that, after I rejected my own family, and I really think Road was gonna let us live and be happy, but then I took it away from myself.

[trying to calm himself, still shaking, but trying to level out his own breathing]

[a_holy_oak]

[clearly alarmed for a moment, then pushing that down] --All right, what happened? Deep breaths, then tell me.

[halfcocked]

[does that, then]

--I shot Shigure in the foot. With my gun. Not because he did anything or I hate him or even because I wanted him to hurt . . . it didn't please me, seeing him hurt . . . I did it because she got into my head and I don't know what I am--and I chose what I am, she made me choose, and it fucking hurts to choose, and I don't know how to live this way yet--and he's okay, he got a healer, but I did it and I, I, I've been trying so hard, so fucking hard, and then I did it, and that's--that's it--now I'm nothing--

[is speaking calmly, but on the edge of panic and tears, eyes moist]

--I'm sorry, I'm sorry you wasted two years on me--

[a_holy_oak]

[is silent, just watching him--mostly expressionless, though definitely strained]

[halfcocked]

[looks up at him, his face breaking] N-now I don't have anything--what can I be now?

[and start crying in earnest]

[a_holy_oak]

[not responding to that, yet, curling his bandaged hands into fists]

You just ... shot him.

[halfcocked]

[through his tears]

I shot him, I shot him. He told me to aim somewhere non-lethal and then I shot him. Please, please let me talk to you. Even if you hate me. Even if you hate me.

[a_holy_oak]

...

I don't know what there is to say. It's good you didn't kill him, but ...

[halfcocked]

I didn't wanna kill him. I didn't even wanna . . . I didn't even wanna hurt him. That's why I feel so . . . I'm not a Noah anymore. She was right . . . I'm not a Noah, but--I've been trying so hard to be a person and then I did it . . . how do you do it? I thought I was doing so good and then I fucked up and now I feel like--I feel sick--how do you do it, when you fuck up this bad?

[a_holy_oak]

You accept responsibility for it, for one. No one made you do it, right? So you did that to him, knowing full well it would hurt him, even if you didn't want to--then you have to accept that there's no one to blame but yourself.

[halfcocked]

I know that. I know . . . I'm sorry. I know that part, I did it . . . I did it because--because I used to, I guess--I did it because I used to! And--I'm different now and I don't know how to be . . .

[a_holy_oak]

... It's been two years, Devit. At this point, you should know better, at least to some degree.