move along guys
HAKUREN IS TOPPING ME INTO ESSAYING 8|
So fine. I love self-indulgent relationship stuff sob even though I still have other memes to get to. I WILL DO THAT THIS WEEKEND I PROMISE. She wrote an essay-thingie for me on Relationship Stuff and I did promise her to return fire, SO. She'll have something to read at work tomorrow and the rest of you can all totally ignore this, unless you're curious for God knows what reason. |D
A COUPLE OF LINKS FIRST: her essay is here. And Devit's first relationship meme reply for Hakuren is here. It's HUGELY LONG and explains a lot about how their relationship developed although I'll probably be sort of reiterating it here anyway. \o/
I'll have you know that this is the longest essay I've ever written. Those of you who've seen my essays before know exactly what that means.
FIRST OFF can I really just say--when it comes to my OOC feelings on things you can pretty much just read Hakuren's essay. XD I really had. No plans or expectations or desires when it came to either their relationship specifically or Devit and relationships in general. I remember in a concrit post in like May, me telling Jasdero-mun that "Devit isn't looking for a boyfriend and neither am I" or something along those lines. And it was totally true. Devit isn't a character who's well-suited for like, PLAYING THE RP FIELD. If you want to hook up for sexy times in RP Devit is a really horrible choice for about a dozen reasons. And he realizes this IC as well as I do. And so we were really both just kind of taken by surprise by the fact that things ended up working out that way. I know that early on like Roochie was telling me she totally shipped it and I was like LOL WHAT NO, THAT'S SO UNHEALTHY AND IMPOSSIBLE. I am still not entirely sure how that ended up not being the case! But that's kind of what this essay is about. XD As a surprise I find it totally awesome and not unwelcome and frankly yeah way too much fun to play with. But surprise it is all the same!
*
I think I'm going to start off chronologically and kind of go from there.
I. THE EXTREMELY FUCKING LONG STORY OF LIKE EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED BETWEEN DEVIT AND HAKUREN
a. June
Devit's first thread with Hakuren went along these lines:
Devit: LOLOL YOU LOOK RETARDED WITH THOSE RIBBONS IN YOUR HAIR.
Hakuren: Ha ha ha shut up, you think you're so clever, don't you? You're just a little boy!
Devit: Fuck you!!!!!!!!1
Hakuren: I'm sorry, I'm not interested, even though you obviously are.
Devit: FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!11
Hakuren: Ha ha ha, you wish. |D
And so on for awhile. It was NOT TERRIBLY DIFFERENT from like, 75% of Devit's interactions in camp. XD Other than being a ton of fun because Hakuren was ESPECIALLY GOOD at pushing Devit's buttons and making him react in bad ways. It was hate at first sight. But nothing extremely special. It was the second time they threaded that Hakuren mentioned something that distinguished him from the crowd of all the hundreds of people Devit hates.
Devit: It's that stupid ribbons guy!
Hakuren: I'm sorry, I'm still not interested. I'm a priest, after all.
Devit: . . . LOLOL. O RLY. PFFFFAHAHAHA.
Religious stuff is a ping for Devit for obvious canon reasons! At this point, Devit didn't know that Hakuren wasn't from his world and that his God is totally different from the Judeo-Christian God. To him, hearing that kind of thing was like . . . a good opportunity to further the animosity in his favor. Devit is not knowledgeable about a lot of things! And he's no good at winning arguments or getting under anyone's skin--he's the one who has his skin gotten. Under. You know. But religion is something Devit can talk about. He's a Noah and his whole life is kind of tied up in hating the Church and loling at the folly of humanity and never forgiving God and so on. So to hear that a total asshole that he hates is a priest is like, A LITTLE PRESENT TO DEVIT FROM THE WORLD.
See, Devit expects priests and the like to be . . . Jesii, really. And Devit does not deal well with Jesii. As a Noah, he does not believe in the goodness of God or humanity, and his general experience with all humans as well as the Church is "calling me a monster and trying to kill me." So he doesn't interact well with people who come across all "Please, let me get to know you, I'll show you humans aren't so bad, I love you no matter what you are." His assumption is that they're full of shit, probably laughing at him behind his back or planning to use him or turn on him, or else they're acting desperately out of their own fear. AT BEST, they're stupid. (This is how he feels about Allen.) But Hakuren was SOMETHING BRAND NEW. Here's a guy who is in training to become a Bishop and dedicating his life to the service of God and all of that, and yet he's a complete asshole. Hakuren pissed Devit off a lot with his confidence and snappy comebacks and being a jerk. But the fact that he was a priest too--there was the promise of this being a jerk he could actually out-argue. Someone confident whom Devit could brutally tear down wrt one of the few subjects he actually does know something about. Someone who was open about disliking him and insulting him, rather than hiding behind "I forgive you for your sins, let me show you through my actions that humans are beautiful creatures," which can never work on a Noah.
And so Devit kind of started following him around. There was a bonus, too--Hakuren didn't come from Earth. They both realized pretty quickly that their worlds and their Gods were very very different, and Devit found the whole concept of Hakuren's world fascinating. It was almost like a shoujo manga story; there's a Chief of Heaven who makes a contract with everyone before they're born, every human being gets three wishes, you die when the wishes are fulfilled and then your soul is reincarnated, there's a Devil figure and demons who tempt people, and so on. It was a really interesting story, not at all like Christianity! And it was fun to argue it, too, and try to shake Hakuren's faith in God and humanity. The principles were similar enough that Devit could pick it apart and try to, well, corrupt Hakuren's faith. But they were also different enough that it was very easy to divorce Hakuren from the ranks of "humans who have fucked over the Noah."
Devit doesn't afford that privilege to everyone who's not from DGM, natch. For Devit, here's a sort of overview of how it works:
1. Any human from his universe is his direct enemy.
2. Any human from another version of his universe--past, future, present-day AU, whatever--or a universe with Judeo-Christian belief systems in place is his indirect enemy.
3. Any human from a world completely unlike his own (Talesverses, 07-Ghost, etc.) is not his enemy until they prove otherwise. However, they are still human, which means they're naturally weak, fickle, cruel, and ultimately insignificant, because that's human nature.
4. Anything else (animals, aliens, demons, angels, gods) gets dealt with on a case-by-case basis.
- 4b. Any "special race" of human (like Al-Bhed, or halflings, or whatever) still counts as human. Except, of course, for Noahs.
And Hakuren was interested in him, too, because Devit's side of things was different from what he'd read! And Devit had fun talking about it, because he'd never had experience before with a human who . . . had no idea what the hell the Bible was all about and didn't just blow him off right away with "You're a demon." So the two of them had some really interesting conversations in which they got to know about each other's worlds and religions, argued a lot about God and humans, and inbetween bitched a whole lot at one another ("Your fashion sense is horrible" "You look like a chick" "You like it" "UGH NO"). Coming from different worlds, and both being blunt cocky jerks who didn't care about offending one another or getting along, there was a kind of freedom to do that in a way that Devit would never be able to do with a human who was from Earth, or with a human who was trying to "change" him or SHOW HIM LOVE.
It became very very comfortable for Devit, to be able to do this--he didn't feel stupid, and feeling stupid is something Devit does a lot. He was still flailing and swearing and yelling and bitching sometimes, but overall Hakuren was letting him actually talk and make points and answering them with his own points, without Devit feeling like he was being lectured or judged. That was pretty much entirely new for Devit! AND I WILL COME BACK TO THIS. But for various reasons, that feeling is something that Devit treasures very much.
Of course he kinda . . . started to get attracted, eventually. It was in a pretty small way at first, because Devit was dealing with his GIANT CRUSH ON MIKA who is AMAZING AND BADASS AND TOTALLY UNDERSTANDS HIM AND THEY CAN PRACTICALLY READ EACH OTHER'S MINDS, AND OH HEY HE ALSO GETS IN MY SPACE A LOT IN SEXY WAYS. Mika wasn't a human; despite him being made of Innocence Devit has never seen him as an enemy. He sees the Innocence thing more as just a really unfortunate circumstance. Mika was exempt from the Issues Devit has with humans, and he also . . . liked him! Or seemed to!
So Devit wasn't focused on Hakuren at all at the time. But he was attracted, yes. They had SOME SORT of weird chemistry going on. And Hakuren has a lot of traits Devit finds very sexy, both physically and personality-wise--he's about his size with really nice blond hair and an expressive, pretty face, he's extremely reactive and confident and a total dick with underlying currents of "But I'm just playing, we're laughing together." Both toppy and easily toppable! Always funny and interesting to poke at for silly reactions or blushing! And he was (and is) a challenge, too, someone that Devit feels rewarded for knocking off-balance because . . . he's a priest. A prissy cocky rich kid priest. Throwing Hakuren off is extremely rewarding for a, well. A loser like Devit. |D
But yeah, so Devit ended up having Thoughts about Hakuren sometimes. Not that he'd ever admit it--he didn't even admit they were friends, because the very first time they met, Hakuren was an ass to him about "You're attracted to me and want to be my friend, that's so CUTE!" So even a month later, which was about how long it had been at this point, Devit refused to admit that even though BY NOW he was pretty obviously following Hakuren around--he still refused to admit that he enjoyed his company, much less that he wanted to kiss him. Despite the fact that he'd also started to initiate physical contact because it just felt good and natural--and also partially for the fact that Hakuren disliked it, which is always hilarious.
And this was around the point when Hakuren himself first began to use the F word to refer to Devit. "We're friends, aren't we?" He started doing this A LOT. It was annoying to Devit for all his typical tsuntsun Human Issues reasons--"The Bonds don't need friends, we don't need humans, we don't care about any of you, you're all going to betray us and we're going to kill you anyway so whatever!" By this time, though, Mika and others had topped Devit into realizing that he DID want friends, and that he WASN'T happy being hated by everyone in the world but Jasdero. So he continued to complain about Hakuren's constant referring to him as a friend, but inside . . . having friends feels good, especially when you kind of want to bang them too but they don't need to know that.
So Hakuren just sort of kept chipping away at him with "We're friends, I like you, I'd miss you, I worry about you." The thing about that was that it didn't ring false to Devit because Hakuren had already established himself as an asshole who wasn't afraid of him. There was no reason for him to lie; he had nothing to gain by trying to win Devit over with friendly lies, because their friendship was already established and Hakuren wasn't worried Devit was going to kill him. The only reason to say "I care about you, Devit" would be--actually caring. And as stupid and temporary as Devit thought that was, he actually started to believe that it was true, even if only for awhile.
b. July
NOW THIS WAS THE BEGINNING OF JULY. And like, the day before mistletoe, SOMETHING LIKE THAT, Devit confessed to Mika and they kissed a little and Mika was like "Well okay I like you and I liked that so we can do that sometimes." YESSSSSSS. And then mistletoe happened right after, and Devit ended up getting cornered by a ton of people and he hated every minute of it. Except . . . then he ended up under the mistletoe with Hakuren. . . . And it sucked kind of a lot. Because failpriest is fail. 8D It was ABSOLUTELY NOT SEXY AT ALL and Devit ended up kind of cracking up and making fun of him for sucking at kissing. But for some reason he kept going back anyway. They weren't good kisses, but they were amusing, they were another way to one-up Hakuren and throw him off balance! They felt good just because they were funny and stress-free. It was a lot more playful and stupid and relaxing than Devit had thought something like kissing could be.
And the other thing about it was that it was sort of the first mild ping Devit ever got of how monogamy might feel. Kissing Mika was--very hot, because they were both attracted and Mika was experienced and into it. But he was experienced. He had a boyfriend, and Devit knew he had other flings going on too, including Ticky. Kissing Hakuren was different because Hakuren was bad. And there was this vague feeling in the back of Devit's head . . . "I could teach him to be better. That could be something that only I taught him and only I'm allowed to do with him. And we could practice together all we wanted and try things without having to worry about jealous boyfriends or me disappointing him by not being as good as Ticky. Yeah it wouldn't be as hot at first, but as he got better he'd be getting better because of me and that would be a really good feeling, that I made someone do that." That was when Devit kind of decided to himself secretly that he was going to mistletoe Hakuren as often as he could manage it so that Hakuren's first experiences with making out would. All be with Devit. lol. BUT AGAIN, more on that subject later.
July was a busy month! Devit spent a lot of it (well, okay, two posts, whatever) following Hakuren around with mistletoe. He also combined with Jasdero into Jasdevi, and they spoke to Hakuren as one. That experience was . . . one in which Jasdevi sort of deliberately pushed Hakuren's buttons to try and drive him away, the way that all humans eventually are driven away by "monsters" like the Noah. IT DIDN'T WORK. And they discussed that fact afterwards, and again Devit was a bit topped, because again there was no reason for Hakuren to lie, to be sticking by him and calling him a friend. He didn't know what to make of the fact that Hakuren wasn't leaving him, but either way, he was pretty topped by it. And it was pretty clear to him by then that Hakuren was . . . a special human, one he wanted to own and hold on to for as long as he could, because he was a good friend and Devit didn't have to worry about him being scared or disgusted unless something REALLY HOLY SHIT went down. In fact something kind of already had, and here he still was, so!
Devit had his little ACCIDENT with Mika and ended up a kitten, and ironically that was when he really realized that his crush on Hakuren was huge and he wasn't going to be able to hide it forever. As a kitten, Devit totally abused his tiny furry cuteness to climb all over Hakuren's lap, get pets, lick him, and so on. And he did this with the full awareness that "Wow, I'd really like to not be a cat for this. If I weren't a cat right now I would be TURNING INTO ONE before too long." So he started sort of thinking about how he was going to let Hakuren know. Devit--knew Hakuren didn't like him (or thought so, anyway). He didn't expect anything or want anything. Because what was there to hope for? Half of the Bonds of Noah and a celibate, unattracted priest? WHY EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. It actually made the decision to tell Hakuren a bit easier, because it wasn't going to change anything really . . . it was too impossible to make things awkward.
But then LOL SURPRISE--Hakuren figured it out on his own, was confused and thoughtful about it but didn't freak out, and then a few days later when the last mistletoe of the month went up, Devit cornered him again for "one last time" and Hakuren asked why it had to be the last time if Devit LIKED HIM and Devit kind of went. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111 FUCK YES, HE LIKES ME?! >oc. August/September
And then immediately from then on, there was a sort of constant revisiting of the two different feelings Devit got from Hakuren and Mika, which I'm not going into yet because that's the next section of the essay. But for the month of August, Devit kind of had two boythings. . . . And he didn't like it. Choosing one had never occurred to him before, because it was a stupid thought! Mika had Raph! It'd be dumb to choose him. Hakuren was a priest and a human! It'd be dumb to choose HIM. And Devit is half of the Bonds! It'd be FUCKING RETARDED for either of them to choose HIM. So obviously it was cool to fool around with them both, right? But for Devit it didn't really work out that way. And again, this is the next part of the essay, so gimme just a few and I'll GET TO IT. But for a lot of reasons, surprisingly many of which involve Jasdero and the Bonds, Devit found himself sort of thinking of Hakuren as his "boyfriend" in a way that he kept to himself.
He kept it to himself for a few reasons--for one, he didn't think Hakuren was interested. And more importantly, he didn't think it was possible. Devit IS MARRIED, BASICALLY, to Jasdero. XD S-so having a boyfriend was clearly out of the question! Especially a human! It was wrong! Devit had been stressing about these issues for months now; it really started with the issue of "Should I even have FRIENDS?" and grew from there as Devit began to gather a social circle and ping in to his hormones. He constantly spazzed about it, lashed out, and bad things kept happening because of it. He freaked out and hid it from Jasdero and made Jasdero sad, the most unforgivable of sins. He triggered a crazy spell in Mika. He acted like an ass to Hakuren and made himself feel stupid and childish, which he hates. So basically, Devit was miserable because he had all these feelings he couldn't change and trying to repress them just kept FUCKING HIM OVER.
Then Mika broke up with Raph and later asked Devit if Devit belonged to him, and Devit realized that he was unexcited about the circumstances; they went drinking and Devit asked Ticky if it was all right to care about a relationship with a human, and Ticky assured him that it was and that Devit should stop making himself miserable by trying to close himself off from relationships; a few days later Hakuren accidentally revealed that he wanted Devit for himself, Devit was much more excited about those circumstances and confessed, and they ended up actually going out. WHOO.
AND SINCE THEN THINGS HAVE BEEN GOOD. Jasdero is tsuntsun but didn't freak out or cry or get mad or blame Devit for anything, and the Bond has not changed or weakened. Devit has not been thrown out into the cold or laughed at, he's not been attacked by hordes of angry humans, the Noah family has not ostracized him or made him feel weak. FIRE DID NOT START FALLING FROM THE SKY. Instead, Devit's been hanging out with his boyfriend and fooling around with him and getting frustrated with camp rules and napping in his cabin and introducing him to the Internet. And he knows that since they're a Noah and a human, it's fucked up and doomed to be temporary. But for now, it actually feels like having a life, a really NICE life, and it feels a lot better to have this than to continually lash out and angst over his situation as Devit had been doing in the months since he got to camp. And we all know Devit is more about feeling good than actually thinking things through or following the rules. DAMN DOES HE FEEL GOOD. So that's Okay. :|d
He knows he's going to feel bad later, but he's finally decided that that's a better option than feeling bad now AND later, and that's what's allowing him to admit that YES, I WANT TO BE WITH A HUMAN, SO FUCKING WHAT.
II. WHY I LOVE THE STUPID PRIEST
Yes, he does want to be with a human, despite everything.
Here's what this is NOT: it's not an admission that "maybe humans aren't so bad." It's not Devit leaning towards sparing his world from the Apocalypse. It's not Devit learning that human beings are creatures that are equal to him and have lives that are worth something and maybe he should learn to empathize with them.
Here's what it IS: it's Devit admitting that ONE human is very very special to him, and that as such his life has value because it enriches Devit's life.
It doesn't matter if Devit likes a human, or two humans, or two hundred humans--he's a Noah, and he will never ever extend this courtesy to ALL humans. Humans he likes are humans he likes. They just happen to not piss him off, or they've managed to defy human nature and actually be entertaining. Humans that fall into this category . . . their lives have exactly as much meaning as the amount that their deaths would affect Devit. It's not an inherent God-given value of life; their lives are important because Devit gives them that power. And Hakuren falls into this same category. He's a human, but he's a human that makes Devit feel absolutely incredible. His existence makes Devit stunningly happy. LITTLE BUTTERFLIES IN HIS STOMACH AND BIG WEIRD FULL FEELINGS IN HIS HEART and the like. And so Devit wants to keep him, to own him, to do anything he can to stay with him as long as possible. His . . . love . . . thingie feeling is very selfish and possessive, and it does not involve elevating Hakuren to Devit's status or absolving him of the flaws of humanity. But it involves feeling really fucking nice in a very intense, tender, adoring sort of way--as well as a sort of bullying, silly, childish kind of way.
But like, WHY HAKUREN? WHAT'S WITH THAT.
I already mentioned two big factors--the foot they got started off on, and the fact that Hakuren's withstood Devit's little temper tantrum tests without leaving or showing disgust or fear. They started out as kind of bitchy rivals in a way that got Devit's interest and led to him feeling very comfortable around Hakuren because there was nothing fake between them, nothing hidden from view. Because Devit hated Hakuren at first, he was always very open about what he was and what humans meant to him. And Hakuren disagreed and argued without being afraid or sickened, and then he wanted to be friends anyway, even knowing what Devit was in advance. And that kind of thing is absolutely vital when it comes to Devit actually trusting someone, which NEVER HAPPENS. He trusts Hakuren because that's how things unfolded. There were no attempts to Jesus him and there was no "Well we're friends, and NOW I find out you're a Noah . . . I guess I have no choice but to stick with you because otherwise you might kill me, or else to run away in terror." Hakuren started off as a sort of enemy and became a friend later, despite or even because of all the differences and animosity that existed at first. He stuck around because he wanted Devit--not for any other reason.
Devit trusts Hakuren as much as he can ever trust a human, which is to say he trusts that Hakuren THINKS he's telling the truth. He can never really believe that Hakuren will never hate him. Because they're a Noah and a human and it always ends up in hate. But he believes that Hakuren really, truly THINKS that he will never hate Devit. And that's as good as can be expected of any human.
That trust is a big part of why Devit can let himself take things he needs from Hakuren, and being able to find those things and have them in his life is what really makes Devit like him so much.
Devit's half of Noah's Bonds, and he and Jasdero are one and two, and there's this whole issue they have that I've essayed on before of "We only have each other, we only need each other, but we're not exactly happy that we're alone, even if we claim we are." Jasdero is Devit's perfect love. They complete each other and can't live without one another. Jasdero is his other half! But that's exactly why they're so lonely and exactly why they want attention and companionship. In the end, even though they have each other, Jasdevi only has himself. He can only GET himself from himself.
From the Bonds Devit can get power, unconditional love, companionship, understanding. But the one thing he can never get from Jasdero is--unfamiliarity. He can never have the experience of learning about another person, or helping another person learn about him. Devit and Jasdero understand each other, they share a body and mind on occasion! They've been together their whole lives! Devit can't learn anything from Jasdero. And he can't reveal anything to Jasdero. Not in any meaningful sense. And so he can never grow from his relationship with Jasdero. He doesn't need or want to change to impress him, or better himself in any way. Or explain himself, or think about himself or Jasdero or their actions.
And there's a lot of pleasure to be had in that kind of thing. Hakuren is a mystery. He knows things that Devit doesn't, and vice versa. He thinks in very different ways. And Devit loves learning about him and the people he knows and his world--and at the same time, Hakuren makes Devit feel interesting, too. Hakuren wants to know about HIM. He is genuinely grateful when Devit explains something about his mind or tells a story about his past. And that's a really good feeling. It makes Devit feel competent and interesting and smart in a way that absolutely no one else gives him. I know that in threads Hakuren expressed surprise, after they hooked up, that Devit would choose him over Mika, because he and Mika really "got" each other; they understood one another's feelings perfectly. But the truth is, that's WHY Devit was more attracted to Hakuren. That feeling of "I just don't get it" is an invitation and a challenge, and it's something he can never obtain from his Noah life. Having someone who "gets" you is important, and Devit still totally adores Mika and relies on his friendship and his understanding. But it wasn't what Devit needed; what he needs is the opposite, the experience of being with someone who isn't him or a close approximation of him.
Hakuren also doesn't make any demands of Devit, either deliberately or inadvertently, and that leaves Devit sort of free to . . . make demands of himself! Devit resents being forced or even asked to change himself for anyone. He just won't do it. But the opportunity to branch out a little and explore new things without feeling like he HAS TO is something new for him. Again, with Jasdero, he has no need to ever do anything new or different, because their love is unchanging and unconditional. And with Mika--well, Mika never made any demands of him in that way--but Mika is cool. Mika is in some ways Devit's superior, and Devit acknowledges this. And the self-imposed pressure to impress Mika was pretty high for Devit; at the same time, because they're already similar, there was no need to really do anything that was new or different. And in fact that would have been a BAD thing; if Devit went up to Mika (or Jasdero, or most people) one day and said "Hey so yesterday I decided to get a book from the library and it's about mice and it's really interesting," he would get really weird looks for that and probably some teasing for his interest.
With Hakuren, though, it's like . . . Devit WANTS to impress him, but doesn't feel he NEEDS to impress him. He can relax completely around him because. Hakuren's a human and a dork and a geek and he kinda fails! |D Devit doesn't feel like I'M NOT COOL ENOUGH, MUST ENTERTAIN THE BOYFRIEND. (Usually.) But at the same time Hakuren is smart and he's very good at some things, and Devit WANTS Hakuren to praise him and be impressed with him, and the things he's good at are things Devit has little experience with. If Hakuren like, nagged Devit about studying or something . . . Devit would be annoyed and wouldn't do it. But he doesn't! He just makes it known that he values that kind of thing. So Devit's free to decide for himself whether he wants to make a go of it, without being judged for it if he doesn't try, doesn't enjoy it, or is bad at it. It's an opportunity for him to do things like Google poetry and read it aloud because he felt like it, without getting teased for trying Dork Things or scolded for not doing it right. He's not forced to push himself but he's also not forced to not push himself. So the feeling is one of total comfort and freedom, the ability to choose whether or not he wants to try new things in tentative ways when he's been locked for years in a sort of holding pattern.
And also importantly--Hakuren is his. I mentioned before the first time with the mistletoe, how Devit made a connection that "ALL OF THIS COULD SOMEDAY BE MINE." Devit is. Really, really enjoying monogamy a whole lot, for a lot of reasons. He's a Noah, so he's possessive; he likes owning his people. He's the Bonds, so he's used to very tight close bonds between two people; it's what he's known all his life as a Noah. He feels it's better for Jasdero, too. Attachment outside the Bonds is tricky enough without being attached to more than one person. Having one person to love and being loved by them and not having to worry about other people is familiar and comforting to Devit, and it's easier for him to explain and reconcile than "Well Jasdero I'm horny and these five guys are all pretty hot so I'll see you in a few hours!" SOB. And it's that whole ownership and "learning about someone who is unlike you" ping again . . . Devit gets a lot of pleasure out of poking Hakuren, learning things and seeing reactions that no one else is allowed to see, altering him in small ways that no one else can alter him, like teaching him how to kiss or leave a hickey.
All of that means that Hakuren is his. And he can't get that by being polygamous or dating someone else who is polygamous. The fact that Hakuren was celibate before and is awkward and embarrassed and clumsy adds to his appeal, because--so is Devit! They're teaching each other and that's the formation of a Bond between them that can never be broken. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FUTURE. DEVIT WILL ALWAYS HAVE BEEN THE FIRST PERSON TO TOUCH HAKUREN'S DICK. 8D So this ridiculous married couple monogamy is not something Devit wants to give up or will get bored with.
What it boils down to is that whether it's physically, mentally, or emotionally, there's a lot to do and explore in the relationship, and that's what makes Devit happy. IT'S ENTERTAINING. That's what happiness is for a Noah. BEING ENTERTAINED. Devit likes pretty much everything ABOUT Hakuren because it's all entertaining to him--the tsuntsun, the deredere, the bitchy superiority, the nurturing Mom-ness, the clumsy flailing, and so on and so forth! He's in that ridiculous lovey-dovey gooey phase where everything is new and cute and hilarious and sexy, and he can actually relax around Hakuren enough to ENJOY THAT due to the fact that he trusts him. Which is pretty gigantic for Devit.
Again, he realizes that since Hakuren is a human, they're . . . fucked. And that doesn't thrill him. But after like four months of straight emo about that kind of thing, Devit's finally coming to accept that it's better to be happy now and feel like shit later than feel like shit now and feel like shit later, because there's no way to just crush the feeling completely and save yourself the "later" pain. HE IS TRYING NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AND IS DOING A DECENT JOB. \o/ After all, while it's not changing his essential Noahness or making Life With the Voices any less psychopathic, it is letting him relax and learn a little bit and try out new things without any pressure or judgment. And that in turn is making him retardedly happy and gooshy.
p.s. baby you have nice hair and are super hot, that helps too.
In the comments of her essay I told Hakuren that mine was going to end up being "like 5000 words long." It's actually 5,455.
ANY QUESTIONS?
So fine. I love self-indulgent relationship stuff sob even though I still have other memes to get to. I WILL DO THAT THIS WEEKEND I PROMISE. She wrote an essay-thingie for me on Relationship Stuff and I did promise her to return fire, SO. She'll have something to read at work tomorrow and the rest of you can all totally ignore this, unless you're curious for God knows what reason. |D
A COUPLE OF LINKS FIRST: her essay is here. And Devit's first relationship meme reply for Hakuren is here. It's HUGELY LONG and explains a lot about how their relationship developed although I'll probably be sort of reiterating it here anyway. \o/
I'll have you know that this is the longest essay I've ever written. Those of you who've seen my essays before know exactly what that means.
FIRST OFF can I really just say--when it comes to my OOC feelings on things you can pretty much just read Hakuren's essay. XD I really had. No plans or expectations or desires when it came to either their relationship specifically or Devit and relationships in general. I remember in a concrit post in like May, me telling Jasdero-mun that "Devit isn't looking for a boyfriend and neither am I" or something along those lines. And it was totally true. Devit isn't a character who's well-suited for like, PLAYING THE RP FIELD. If you want to hook up for sexy times in RP Devit is a really horrible choice for about a dozen reasons. And he realizes this IC as well as I do. And so we were really both just kind of taken by surprise by the fact that things ended up working out that way. I know that early on like Roochie was telling me she totally shipped it and I was like LOL WHAT NO, THAT'S SO UNHEALTHY AND IMPOSSIBLE. I am still not entirely sure how that ended up not being the case! But that's kind of what this essay is about. XD As a surprise I find it totally awesome and not unwelcome and frankly yeah way too much fun to play with. But surprise it is all the same!
*
I think I'm going to start off chronologically and kind of go from there.
I. THE EXTREMELY FUCKING LONG STORY OF LIKE EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED BETWEEN DEVIT AND HAKUREN
a. June
Devit's first thread with Hakuren went along these lines:
Devit: LOLOL YOU LOOK RETARDED WITH THOSE RIBBONS IN YOUR HAIR.
Hakuren: Ha ha ha shut up, you think you're so clever, don't you? You're just a little boy!
Devit: Fuck you!!!!!!!!1
Hakuren: I'm sorry, I'm not interested, even though you obviously are.
Devit: FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!11
Hakuren: Ha ha ha, you wish. |D
And so on for awhile. It was NOT TERRIBLY DIFFERENT from like, 75% of Devit's interactions in camp. XD Other than being a ton of fun because Hakuren was ESPECIALLY GOOD at pushing Devit's buttons and making him react in bad ways. It was hate at first sight. But nothing extremely special. It was the second time they threaded that Hakuren mentioned something that distinguished him from the crowd of all the hundreds of people Devit hates.
Devit: It's that stupid ribbons guy!
Hakuren: I'm sorry, I'm still not interested. I'm a priest, after all.
Devit: . . . LOLOL. O RLY. PFFFFAHAHAHA.
Religious stuff is a ping for Devit for obvious canon reasons! At this point, Devit didn't know that Hakuren wasn't from his world and that his God is totally different from the Judeo-Christian God. To him, hearing that kind of thing was like . . . a good opportunity to further the animosity in his favor. Devit is not knowledgeable about a lot of things! And he's no good at winning arguments or getting under anyone's skin--he's the one who has his skin gotten. Under. You know. But religion is something Devit can talk about. He's a Noah and his whole life is kind of tied up in hating the Church and loling at the folly of humanity and never forgiving God and so on. So to hear that a total asshole that he hates is a priest is like, A LITTLE PRESENT TO DEVIT FROM THE WORLD.
See, Devit expects priests and the like to be . . . Jesii, really. And Devit does not deal well with Jesii. As a Noah, he does not believe in the goodness of God or humanity, and his general experience with all humans as well as the Church is "calling me a monster and trying to kill me." So he doesn't interact well with people who come across all "Please, let me get to know you, I'll show you humans aren't so bad, I love you no matter what you are." His assumption is that they're full of shit, probably laughing at him behind his back or planning to use him or turn on him, or else they're acting desperately out of their own fear. AT BEST, they're stupid. (This is how he feels about Allen.) But Hakuren was SOMETHING BRAND NEW. Here's a guy who is in training to become a Bishop and dedicating his life to the service of God and all of that, and yet he's a complete asshole. Hakuren pissed Devit off a lot with his confidence and snappy comebacks and being a jerk. But the fact that he was a priest too--there was the promise of this being a jerk he could actually out-argue. Someone confident whom Devit could brutally tear down wrt one of the few subjects he actually does know something about. Someone who was open about disliking him and insulting him, rather than hiding behind "I forgive you for your sins, let me show you through my actions that humans are beautiful creatures," which can never work on a Noah.
And so Devit kind of started following him around. There was a bonus, too--Hakuren didn't come from Earth. They both realized pretty quickly that their worlds and their Gods were very very different, and Devit found the whole concept of Hakuren's world fascinating. It was almost like a shoujo manga story; there's a Chief of Heaven who makes a contract with everyone before they're born, every human being gets three wishes, you die when the wishes are fulfilled and then your soul is reincarnated, there's a Devil figure and demons who tempt people, and so on. It was a really interesting story, not at all like Christianity! And it was fun to argue it, too, and try to shake Hakuren's faith in God and humanity. The principles were similar enough that Devit could pick it apart and try to, well, corrupt Hakuren's faith. But they were also different enough that it was very easy to divorce Hakuren from the ranks of "humans who have fucked over the Noah."
Devit doesn't afford that privilege to everyone who's not from DGM, natch. For Devit, here's a sort of overview of how it works:
1. Any human from his universe is his direct enemy.
2. Any human from another version of his universe--past, future, present-day AU, whatever--or a universe with Judeo-Christian belief systems in place is his indirect enemy.
3. Any human from a world completely unlike his own (Talesverses, 07-Ghost, etc.) is not his enemy until they prove otherwise. However, they are still human, which means they're naturally weak, fickle, cruel, and ultimately insignificant, because that's human nature.
4. Anything else (animals, aliens, demons, angels, gods) gets dealt with on a case-by-case basis.
- 4b. Any "special race" of human (like Al-Bhed, or halflings, or whatever) still counts as human. Except, of course, for Noahs.
And Hakuren was interested in him, too, because Devit's side of things was different from what he'd read! And Devit had fun talking about it, because he'd never had experience before with a human who . . . had no idea what the hell the Bible was all about and didn't just blow him off right away with "You're a demon." So the two of them had some really interesting conversations in which they got to know about each other's worlds and religions, argued a lot about God and humans, and inbetween bitched a whole lot at one another ("Your fashion sense is horrible" "You look like a chick" "You like it" "UGH NO"). Coming from different worlds, and both being blunt cocky jerks who didn't care about offending one another or getting along, there was a kind of freedom to do that in a way that Devit would never be able to do with a human who was from Earth, or with a human who was trying to "change" him or SHOW HIM LOVE.
It became very very comfortable for Devit, to be able to do this--he didn't feel stupid, and feeling stupid is something Devit does a lot. He was still flailing and swearing and yelling and bitching sometimes, but overall Hakuren was letting him actually talk and make points and answering them with his own points, without Devit feeling like he was being lectured or judged. That was pretty much entirely new for Devit! AND I WILL COME BACK TO THIS. But for various reasons, that feeling is something that Devit treasures very much.
Of course he kinda . . . started to get attracted, eventually. It was in a pretty small way at first, because Devit was dealing with his GIANT CRUSH ON MIKA who is AMAZING AND BADASS AND TOTALLY UNDERSTANDS HIM AND THEY CAN PRACTICALLY READ EACH OTHER'S MINDS, AND OH HEY HE ALSO GETS IN MY SPACE A LOT IN SEXY WAYS. Mika wasn't a human; despite him being made of Innocence Devit has never seen him as an enemy. He sees the Innocence thing more as just a really unfortunate circumstance. Mika was exempt from the Issues Devit has with humans, and he also . . . liked him! Or seemed to!
So Devit wasn't focused on Hakuren at all at the time. But he was attracted, yes. They had SOME SORT of weird chemistry going on. And Hakuren has a lot of traits Devit finds very sexy, both physically and personality-wise--he's about his size with really nice blond hair and an expressive, pretty face, he's extremely reactive and confident and a total dick with underlying currents of "But I'm just playing, we're laughing together." Both toppy and easily toppable! Always funny and interesting to poke at for silly reactions or blushing! And he was (and is) a challenge, too, someone that Devit feels rewarded for knocking off-balance because . . . he's a priest. A prissy cocky rich kid priest. Throwing Hakuren off is extremely rewarding for a, well. A loser like Devit. |D
But yeah, so Devit ended up having Thoughts about Hakuren sometimes. Not that he'd ever admit it--he didn't even admit they were friends, because the very first time they met, Hakuren was an ass to him about "You're attracted to me and want to be my friend, that's so CUTE!" So even a month later, which was about how long it had been at this point, Devit refused to admit that even though BY NOW he was pretty obviously following Hakuren around--he still refused to admit that he enjoyed his company, much less that he wanted to kiss him. Despite the fact that he'd also started to initiate physical contact because it just felt good and natural--and also partially for the fact that Hakuren disliked it, which is always hilarious.
And this was around the point when Hakuren himself first began to use the F word to refer to Devit. "We're friends, aren't we?" He started doing this A LOT. It was annoying to Devit for all his typical tsuntsun Human Issues reasons--"The Bonds don't need friends, we don't need humans, we don't care about any of you, you're all going to betray us and we're going to kill you anyway so whatever!" By this time, though, Mika and others had topped Devit into realizing that he DID want friends, and that he WASN'T happy being hated by everyone in the world but Jasdero. So he continued to complain about Hakuren's constant referring to him as a friend, but inside . . . having friends feels good, especially when you kind of want to bang them too but they don't need to know that.
So Hakuren just sort of kept chipping away at him with "We're friends, I like you, I'd miss you, I worry about you." The thing about that was that it didn't ring false to Devit because Hakuren had already established himself as an asshole who wasn't afraid of him. There was no reason for him to lie; he had nothing to gain by trying to win Devit over with friendly lies, because their friendship was already established and Hakuren wasn't worried Devit was going to kill him. The only reason to say "I care about you, Devit" would be--actually caring. And as stupid and temporary as Devit thought that was, he actually started to believe that it was true, even if only for awhile.
b. July
NOW THIS WAS THE BEGINNING OF JULY. And like, the day before mistletoe, SOMETHING LIKE THAT, Devit confessed to Mika and they kissed a little and Mika was like "Well okay I like you and I liked that so we can do that sometimes." YESSSSSSS. And then mistletoe happened right after, and Devit ended up getting cornered by a ton of people and he hated every minute of it. Except . . . then he ended up under the mistletoe with Hakuren. . . . And it sucked kind of a lot. Because failpriest is fail. 8D It was ABSOLUTELY NOT SEXY AT ALL and Devit ended up kind of cracking up and making fun of him for sucking at kissing. But for some reason he kept going back anyway. They weren't good kisses, but they were amusing, they were another way to one-up Hakuren and throw him off balance! They felt good just because they were funny and stress-free. It was a lot more playful and stupid and relaxing than Devit had thought something like kissing could be.
And the other thing about it was that it was sort of the first mild ping Devit ever got of how monogamy might feel. Kissing Mika was--very hot, because they were both attracted and Mika was experienced and into it. But he was experienced. He had a boyfriend, and Devit knew he had other flings going on too, including Ticky. Kissing Hakuren was different because Hakuren was bad. And there was this vague feeling in the back of Devit's head . . . "I could teach him to be better. That could be something that only I taught him and only I'm allowed to do with him. And we could practice together all we wanted and try things without having to worry about jealous boyfriends or me disappointing him by not being as good as Ticky. Yeah it wouldn't be as hot at first, but as he got better he'd be getting better because of me and that would be a really good feeling, that I made someone do that." That was when Devit kind of decided to himself secretly that he was going to mistletoe Hakuren as often as he could manage it so that Hakuren's first experiences with making out would. All be with Devit. lol. BUT AGAIN, more on that subject later.
July was a busy month! Devit spent a lot of it (well, okay, two posts, whatever) following Hakuren around with mistletoe. He also combined with Jasdero into Jasdevi, and they spoke to Hakuren as one. That experience was . . . one in which Jasdevi sort of deliberately pushed Hakuren's buttons to try and drive him away, the way that all humans eventually are driven away by "monsters" like the Noah. IT DIDN'T WORK. And they discussed that fact afterwards, and again Devit was a bit topped, because again there was no reason for Hakuren to lie, to be sticking by him and calling him a friend. He didn't know what to make of the fact that Hakuren wasn't leaving him, but either way, he was pretty topped by it. And it was pretty clear to him by then that Hakuren was . . . a special human, one he wanted to own and hold on to for as long as he could, because he was a good friend and Devit didn't have to worry about him being scared or disgusted unless something REALLY HOLY SHIT went down. In fact something kind of already had, and here he still was, so!
Devit had his little ACCIDENT with Mika and ended up a kitten, and ironically that was when he really realized that his crush on Hakuren was huge and he wasn't going to be able to hide it forever. As a kitten, Devit totally abused his tiny furry cuteness to climb all over Hakuren's lap, get pets, lick him, and so on. And he did this with the full awareness that "Wow, I'd really like to not be a cat for this. If I weren't a cat right now I would be TURNING INTO ONE before too long." So he started sort of thinking about how he was going to let Hakuren know. Devit--knew Hakuren didn't like him (or thought so, anyway). He didn't expect anything or want anything. Because what was there to hope for? Half of the Bonds of Noah and a celibate, unattracted priest? WHY EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. It actually made the decision to tell Hakuren a bit easier, because it wasn't going to change anything really . . . it was too impossible to make things awkward.
But then LOL SURPRISE--Hakuren figured it out on his own, was confused and thoughtful about it but didn't freak out, and then a few days later when the last mistletoe of the month went up, Devit cornered him again for "one last time" and Hakuren asked why it had to be the last time if Devit LIKED HIM and Devit kind of went. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111 FUCK YES, HE LIKES ME?! >oc. August/September
And then immediately from then on, there was a sort of constant revisiting of the two different feelings Devit got from Hakuren and Mika, which I'm not going into yet because that's the next section of the essay. But for the month of August, Devit kind of had two boythings. . . . And he didn't like it. Choosing one had never occurred to him before, because it was a stupid thought! Mika had Raph! It'd be dumb to choose him. Hakuren was a priest and a human! It'd be dumb to choose HIM. And Devit is half of the Bonds! It'd be FUCKING RETARDED for either of them to choose HIM. So obviously it was cool to fool around with them both, right? But for Devit it didn't really work out that way. And again, this is the next part of the essay, so gimme just a few and I'll GET TO IT. But for a lot of reasons, surprisingly many of which involve Jasdero and the Bonds, Devit found himself sort of thinking of Hakuren as his "boyfriend" in a way that he kept to himself.
He kept it to himself for a few reasons--for one, he didn't think Hakuren was interested. And more importantly, he didn't think it was possible. Devit IS MARRIED, BASICALLY, to Jasdero. XD S-so having a boyfriend was clearly out of the question! Especially a human! It was wrong! Devit had been stressing about these issues for months now; it really started with the issue of "Should I even have FRIENDS?" and grew from there as Devit began to gather a social circle and ping in to his hormones. He constantly spazzed about it, lashed out, and bad things kept happening because of it. He freaked out and hid it from Jasdero and made Jasdero sad, the most unforgivable of sins. He triggered a crazy spell in Mika. He acted like an ass to Hakuren and made himself feel stupid and childish, which he hates. So basically, Devit was miserable because he had all these feelings he couldn't change and trying to repress them just kept FUCKING HIM OVER.
Then Mika broke up with Raph and later asked Devit if Devit belonged to him, and Devit realized that he was unexcited about the circumstances; they went drinking and Devit asked Ticky if it was all right to care about a relationship with a human, and Ticky assured him that it was and that Devit should stop making himself miserable by trying to close himself off from relationships; a few days later Hakuren accidentally revealed that he wanted Devit for himself, Devit was much more excited about those circumstances and confessed, and they ended up actually going out. WHOO.
AND SINCE THEN THINGS HAVE BEEN GOOD. Jasdero is tsuntsun but didn't freak out or cry or get mad or blame Devit for anything, and the Bond has not changed or weakened. Devit has not been thrown out into the cold or laughed at, he's not been attacked by hordes of angry humans, the Noah family has not ostracized him or made him feel weak. FIRE DID NOT START FALLING FROM THE SKY. Instead, Devit's been hanging out with his boyfriend and fooling around with him and getting frustrated with camp rules and napping in his cabin and introducing him to the Internet. And he knows that since they're a Noah and a human, it's fucked up and doomed to be temporary. But for now, it actually feels like having a life, a really NICE life, and it feels a lot better to have this than to continually lash out and angst over his situation as Devit had been doing in the months since he got to camp. And we all know Devit is more about feeling good than actually thinking things through or following the rules. DAMN DOES HE FEEL GOOD. So that's Okay. :|d
He knows he's going to feel bad later, but he's finally decided that that's a better option than feeling bad now AND later, and that's what's allowing him to admit that YES, I WANT TO BE WITH A HUMAN, SO FUCKING WHAT.
II. WHY I LOVE THE STUPID PRIEST
Yes, he does want to be with a human, despite everything.
Here's what this is NOT: it's not an admission that "maybe humans aren't so bad." It's not Devit leaning towards sparing his world from the Apocalypse. It's not Devit learning that human beings are creatures that are equal to him and have lives that are worth something and maybe he should learn to empathize with them.
Here's what it IS: it's Devit admitting that ONE human is very very special to him, and that as such his life has value because it enriches Devit's life.
It doesn't matter if Devit likes a human, or two humans, or two hundred humans--he's a Noah, and he will never ever extend this courtesy to ALL humans. Humans he likes are humans he likes. They just happen to not piss him off, or they've managed to defy human nature and actually be entertaining. Humans that fall into this category . . . their lives have exactly as much meaning as the amount that their deaths would affect Devit. It's not an inherent God-given value of life; their lives are important because Devit gives them that power. And Hakuren falls into this same category. He's a human, but he's a human that makes Devit feel absolutely incredible. His existence makes Devit stunningly happy. LITTLE BUTTERFLIES IN HIS STOMACH AND BIG WEIRD FULL FEELINGS IN HIS HEART and the like. And so Devit wants to keep him, to own him, to do anything he can to stay with him as long as possible. His . . . love . . . thingie feeling is very selfish and possessive, and it does not involve elevating Hakuren to Devit's status or absolving him of the flaws of humanity. But it involves feeling really fucking nice in a very intense, tender, adoring sort of way--as well as a sort of bullying, silly, childish kind of way.
But like, WHY HAKUREN? WHAT'S WITH THAT.
I already mentioned two big factors--the foot they got started off on, and the fact that Hakuren's withstood Devit's little temper tantrum tests without leaving or showing disgust or fear. They started out as kind of bitchy rivals in a way that got Devit's interest and led to him feeling very comfortable around Hakuren because there was nothing fake between them, nothing hidden from view. Because Devit hated Hakuren at first, he was always very open about what he was and what humans meant to him. And Hakuren disagreed and argued without being afraid or sickened, and then he wanted to be friends anyway, even knowing what Devit was in advance. And that kind of thing is absolutely vital when it comes to Devit actually trusting someone, which NEVER HAPPENS. He trusts Hakuren because that's how things unfolded. There were no attempts to Jesus him and there was no "Well we're friends, and NOW I find out you're a Noah . . . I guess I have no choice but to stick with you because otherwise you might kill me, or else to run away in terror." Hakuren started off as a sort of enemy and became a friend later, despite or even because of all the differences and animosity that existed at first. He stuck around because he wanted Devit--not for any other reason.
Devit trusts Hakuren as much as he can ever trust a human, which is to say he trusts that Hakuren THINKS he's telling the truth. He can never really believe that Hakuren will never hate him. Because they're a Noah and a human and it always ends up in hate. But he believes that Hakuren really, truly THINKS that he will never hate Devit. And that's as good as can be expected of any human.
That trust is a big part of why Devit can let himself take things he needs from Hakuren, and being able to find those things and have them in his life is what really makes Devit like him so much.
Devit's half of Noah's Bonds, and he and Jasdero are one and two, and there's this whole issue they have that I've essayed on before of "We only have each other, we only need each other, but we're not exactly happy that we're alone, even if we claim we are." Jasdero is Devit's perfect love. They complete each other and can't live without one another. Jasdero is his other half! But that's exactly why they're so lonely and exactly why they want attention and companionship. In the end, even though they have each other, Jasdevi only has himself. He can only GET himself from himself.
From the Bonds Devit can get power, unconditional love, companionship, understanding. But the one thing he can never get from Jasdero is--unfamiliarity. He can never have the experience of learning about another person, or helping another person learn about him. Devit and Jasdero understand each other, they share a body and mind on occasion! They've been together their whole lives! Devit can't learn anything from Jasdero. And he can't reveal anything to Jasdero. Not in any meaningful sense. And so he can never grow from his relationship with Jasdero. He doesn't need or want to change to impress him, or better himself in any way. Or explain himself, or think about himself or Jasdero or their actions.
And there's a lot of pleasure to be had in that kind of thing. Hakuren is a mystery. He knows things that Devit doesn't, and vice versa. He thinks in very different ways. And Devit loves learning about him and the people he knows and his world--and at the same time, Hakuren makes Devit feel interesting, too. Hakuren wants to know about HIM. He is genuinely grateful when Devit explains something about his mind or tells a story about his past. And that's a really good feeling. It makes Devit feel competent and interesting and smart in a way that absolutely no one else gives him. I know that in threads Hakuren expressed surprise, after they hooked up, that Devit would choose him over Mika, because he and Mika really "got" each other; they understood one another's feelings perfectly. But the truth is, that's WHY Devit was more attracted to Hakuren. That feeling of "I just don't get it" is an invitation and a challenge, and it's something he can never obtain from his Noah life. Having someone who "gets" you is important, and Devit still totally adores Mika and relies on his friendship and his understanding. But it wasn't what Devit needed; what he needs is the opposite, the experience of being with someone who isn't him or a close approximation of him.
Hakuren also doesn't make any demands of Devit, either deliberately or inadvertently, and that leaves Devit sort of free to . . . make demands of himself! Devit resents being forced or even asked to change himself for anyone. He just won't do it. But the opportunity to branch out a little and explore new things without feeling like he HAS TO is something new for him. Again, with Jasdero, he has no need to ever do anything new or different, because their love is unchanging and unconditional. And with Mika--well, Mika never made any demands of him in that way--but Mika is cool. Mika is in some ways Devit's superior, and Devit acknowledges this. And the self-imposed pressure to impress Mika was pretty high for Devit; at the same time, because they're already similar, there was no need to really do anything that was new or different. And in fact that would have been a BAD thing; if Devit went up to Mika (or Jasdero, or most people) one day and said "Hey so yesterday I decided to get a book from the library and it's about mice and it's really interesting," he would get really weird looks for that and probably some teasing for his interest.
With Hakuren, though, it's like . . . Devit WANTS to impress him, but doesn't feel he NEEDS to impress him. He can relax completely around him because. Hakuren's a human and a dork and a geek and he kinda fails! |D Devit doesn't feel like I'M NOT COOL ENOUGH, MUST ENTERTAIN THE BOYFRIEND. (Usually.) But at the same time Hakuren is smart and he's very good at some things, and Devit WANTS Hakuren to praise him and be impressed with him, and the things he's good at are things Devit has little experience with. If Hakuren like, nagged Devit about studying or something . . . Devit would be annoyed and wouldn't do it. But he doesn't! He just makes it known that he values that kind of thing. So Devit's free to decide for himself whether he wants to make a go of it, without being judged for it if he doesn't try, doesn't enjoy it, or is bad at it. It's an opportunity for him to do things like Google poetry and read it aloud because he felt like it, without getting teased for trying Dork Things or scolded for not doing it right. He's not forced to push himself but he's also not forced to not push himself. So the feeling is one of total comfort and freedom, the ability to choose whether or not he wants to try new things in tentative ways when he's been locked for years in a sort of holding pattern.
And also importantly--Hakuren is his. I mentioned before the first time with the mistletoe, how Devit made a connection that "ALL OF THIS COULD SOMEDAY BE MINE." Devit is. Really, really enjoying monogamy a whole lot, for a lot of reasons. He's a Noah, so he's possessive; he likes owning his people. He's the Bonds, so he's used to very tight close bonds between two people; it's what he's known all his life as a Noah. He feels it's better for Jasdero, too. Attachment outside the Bonds is tricky enough without being attached to more than one person. Having one person to love and being loved by them and not having to worry about other people is familiar and comforting to Devit, and it's easier for him to explain and reconcile than "Well Jasdero I'm horny and these five guys are all pretty hot so I'll see you in a few hours!" SOB. And it's that whole ownership and "learning about someone who is unlike you" ping again . . . Devit gets a lot of pleasure out of poking Hakuren, learning things and seeing reactions that no one else is allowed to see, altering him in small ways that no one else can alter him, like teaching him how to kiss or leave a hickey.
All of that means that Hakuren is his. And he can't get that by being polygamous or dating someone else who is polygamous. The fact that Hakuren was celibate before and is awkward and embarrassed and clumsy adds to his appeal, because--so is Devit! They're teaching each other and that's the formation of a Bond between them that can never be broken. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FUTURE. DEVIT WILL ALWAYS HAVE BEEN THE FIRST PERSON TO TOUCH HAKUREN'S DICK. 8D So this ridiculous married couple monogamy is not something Devit wants to give up or will get bored with.
What it boils down to is that whether it's physically, mentally, or emotionally, there's a lot to do and explore in the relationship, and that's what makes Devit happy. IT'S ENTERTAINING. That's what happiness is for a Noah. BEING ENTERTAINED. Devit likes pretty much everything ABOUT Hakuren because it's all entertaining to him--the tsuntsun, the deredere, the bitchy superiority, the nurturing Mom-ness, the clumsy flailing, and so on and so forth! He's in that ridiculous lovey-dovey gooey phase where everything is new and cute and hilarious and sexy, and he can actually relax around Hakuren enough to ENJOY THAT due to the fact that he trusts him. Which is pretty gigantic for Devit.
Again, he realizes that since Hakuren is a human, they're . . . fucked. And that doesn't thrill him. But after like four months of straight emo about that kind of thing, Devit's finally coming to accept that it's better to be happy now and feel like shit later than feel like shit now and feel like shit later, because there's no way to just crush the feeling completely and save yourself the "later" pain. HE IS TRYING NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AND IS DOING A DECENT JOB. \o/ After all, while it's not changing his essential Noahness or making Life With the Voices any less psychopathic, it is letting him relax and learn a little bit and try out new things without any pressure or judgment. And that in turn is making him retardedly happy and gooshy.
p.s. baby you have nice hair and are super hot, that helps too.
In the comments of her essay I told Hakuren that mine was going to end up being "like 5000 words long." It's actually 5,455.
ANY QUESTIONS?