(no subject)
Feeling some weird things right now. I feel like I'm always feelings some weird things lately. I'm just sititng here, naked, thinking about David. Waiting for David. I'm just sitting here thinking about him and waiting for him to come back so that I can hear his answer about what he's decided he wants to do. I feel pretty certain that he's going to come back and declare that we can't see each other, so I'm trying to brace myself for that. I keep weaving in and out of feeling OK with that fake reality. I don't really know what he's going to do, but I keep hoping against hope that he'll decide he still wants to see me. There is also the tiniest bit of me that can't help entertain the idea of him coming back and deciding that he needs to leave his wife and that he wants to be with me. I'm not really sure where the fantasy goes after that, though, because I don't have any idea what I'd do in that situation. I don't want to be his third wife. I don't know. I just keep thinking about being with him and how great that would feel. I don't think too far into the future when I think about him.
The music from La La Land just randomly popped in my head and now it's playing at a low level over and over again at the back of my mind, as if it's getting ready to swell like in a musical. I can't wait to go to New York again. I don't even really know what I'm going to do there, I just feel the need to Be. There. You know? I want to watch more musicals and then just lie in the park or something. I can't explain how compelled I am to want to just be there. The thing that is more difficult, though, is that I think my fantasy of New York includes a lot of money that I don't actually have. I'd love to take a million dance classes there and not live in a cockroach infested place and see musicals and theater on the regular, and even if I do manage to afford to not starve there, I highly doubt that I'd manage to pull in enough money to actually do these things.
I'm trying to force myself to chronicle this rather than just letting it all stew in my head. It's probably a jumble. The trade off to my journaling freely(?) is that I am not proofreading this shit.
The music from La La Land just randomly popped in my head and now it's playing at a low level over and over again at the back of my mind, as if it's getting ready to swell like in a musical. I can't wait to go to New York again. I don't even really know what I'm going to do there, I just feel the need to Be. There. You know? I want to watch more musicals and then just lie in the park or something. I can't explain how compelled I am to want to just be there. The thing that is more difficult, though, is that I think my fantasy of New York includes a lot of money that I don't actually have. I'd love to take a million dance classes there and not live in a cockroach infested place and see musicals and theater on the regular, and even if I do manage to afford to not starve there, I highly doubt that I'd manage to pull in enough money to actually do these things.
I'm trying to force myself to chronicle this rather than just letting it all stew in my head. It's probably a jumble. The trade off to my journaling freely(?) is that I am not proofreading this shit.