(no subject)
So today was OK with Henry, I guess. He was kind of irritating me while we were working together, but after I got off, I sat with him on his lunch and we talked and things were good. Then I went and did some shopping and we talked some more and things felt like normal again. He told me that we need to go to breakfast again soon because his boyfriend really wants to meet me. I'm not exactly sure why, but that really kind of knocked me off my feet. I am having so many mixed reactions I don't even know how to begin processing everything.
When Henry and, we'll call him Bill? first became official I was fearful of the exact scenario that has played out but I was trying to be really supportive of his new relationship and to be happy for them and I told Henry to tell Bill that I would really like to meet him. That was a few weeks ago. Anyway, now all of this shit has gone down and my mind is just racing. I'm not really sure I even want to meet him right now. How fun, I get to spend time with the person my best friend has replaced me with. Joy. Honestly, I do want to meet him, especially since I think maybe the best resolution to this whole thing would be for the three of us to become friends and do things together somtimes. But I'm still feeling awfully sour about this whole thing and honestly even Henry just bringing him up makes me feel not so great right now. I'm worried that I would be miserable if the three of us were to hang out, or worse, that I'd unintentionally be a bitch to him because I am still just so hurt and I am particularly bad at faking it. (I like to think it is because I am such an authentic person, but that is neither her nor there.)
One thing, that I guess is nice, is that this invitation is actually coming from Henry and, I think, even more so, Bill. That feels good for a couple of reasons, one is that I've been feeling like there have been a lot of one sided invitations to hang out lately, only one of which Henry has accepted (sort of reluctantly, might I add,) and I've been feeling like he's never going to invite me to hang out again, that if we ever do anything, it's always going to be because I've been begging him to hang out. I honestly still kind of feel that way, but this invitation is helping alleviate that fear at least a tiny bit. The fact that I think this is coming from Bill feels good because it feels great that he wants to make an effort to get to know Henry's friends and it also, honestly, feels like an acknowledgement of the fact that I AM an important person in Henry's life. I do have the slightest fear that it's only coming upp now because Henry told him about the fight and my (justifiable imo) freak out and it is a pity thing to prove they are good guys. Idk.
I also find myself very concerned about what Henry told Bill about me. Did he tell him about the fight and if so, what exactly did he say? Did he paint me in any way as irrational? Has he referred to me as his best friend or is that truly something he is reluctant to admit (sometimes it feels like that, but maybe I am just paranoid? It is clear to pretty much everyone we know that we are best friends.) How much of my emotional/personal stuff has he told him? That I suffer from depression and that sometimes I can need a lot of support? On top of all these questions, I just really want to know what Henry's unfiltered description of me is.
I feel like crying right now. I hate this. I feel so alone.
When Henry and, we'll call him Bill? first became official I was fearful of the exact scenario that has played out but I was trying to be really supportive of his new relationship and to be happy for them and I told Henry to tell Bill that I would really like to meet him. That was a few weeks ago. Anyway, now all of this shit has gone down and my mind is just racing. I'm not really sure I even want to meet him right now. How fun, I get to spend time with the person my best friend has replaced me with. Joy. Honestly, I do want to meet him, especially since I think maybe the best resolution to this whole thing would be for the three of us to become friends and do things together somtimes. But I'm still feeling awfully sour about this whole thing and honestly even Henry just bringing him up makes me feel not so great right now. I'm worried that I would be miserable if the three of us were to hang out, or worse, that I'd unintentionally be a bitch to him because I am still just so hurt and I am particularly bad at faking it. (I like to think it is because I am such an authentic person, but that is neither her nor there.)
One thing, that I guess is nice, is that this invitation is actually coming from Henry and, I think, even more so, Bill. That feels good for a couple of reasons, one is that I've been feeling like there have been a lot of one sided invitations to hang out lately, only one of which Henry has accepted (sort of reluctantly, might I add,) and I've been feeling like he's never going to invite me to hang out again, that if we ever do anything, it's always going to be because I've been begging him to hang out. I honestly still kind of feel that way, but this invitation is helping alleviate that fear at least a tiny bit. The fact that I think this is coming from Bill feels good because it feels great that he wants to make an effort to get to know Henry's friends and it also, honestly, feels like an acknowledgement of the fact that I AM an important person in Henry's life. I do have the slightest fear that it's only coming upp now because Henry told him about the fight and my (justifiable imo) freak out and it is a pity thing to prove they are good guys. Idk.
I also find myself very concerned about what Henry told Bill about me. Did he tell him about the fight and if so, what exactly did he say? Did he paint me in any way as irrational? Has he referred to me as his best friend or is that truly something he is reluctant to admit (sometimes it feels like that, but maybe I am just paranoid? It is clear to pretty much everyone we know that we are best friends.) How much of my emotional/personal stuff has he told him? That I suffer from depression and that sometimes I can need a lot of support? On top of all these questions, I just really want to know what Henry's unfiltered description of me is.
I feel like crying right now. I hate this. I feel so alone.