I wanted to make it go away...
If you are bothered by intimate details of any sorts, don't read. If you do not like knowing what really goes on in my mind, unfriend me. I will not be offended. Some people just prefer to keep others at a certain distance with a certain amount of mystery to their name and image... the following might ruin that.
- -
I was very close to having sex with Devin. So very close. But as I thought more about it, I started feeling pressure from so many sides and I couldn't... My hormones, the pacts I made with people, the standards certain people hold me at, the swearing I did to myself, love, him, LOGIC...
I said no... he asked why... I said "because"... he asked why... I couldn't think of something to tell him... I just kept saying "because"... and then I said what was probably the best thing to say at a time like this... "I'm not completely ready."
I wasn't. Though my love for him, my comfort level with him, and my hormones were all there... I knew logically and responsibly, I wasn't ready.
After I said that, I hated everything. I cried. He doesn't know it, but I did cry a little. I wanted to cry more, but I couldn't. I wouldn't allow myself to.
I didn't hate him. I didn't blame him.
I simply hated everything. The pressure that everyone, including myself, had placed onto that very moment.
Sex used to scare me to no end... would it hurt? would I ever feel comfortable enough with a guy? would I ever feel comfortable enough with MYSELF??
Those questions aren't there anymore because I know the answers.
After I said that, I thought of the possible consequences that I'd kill myself over if I should have to deal with them... Though I know his past... I don't know everything... so STDs... and then worse... pregnancy. He said he had a condom... I have condoms... but regardless, if something should happen, God forbid!... wow.
I know there are still many things I need to learn (so I'm safe) and sort out until I'm completely ready and that makes me feel so stupid about last night.
- -
Tonight, before we were seated for dinner, he apologized for the pressure he put on me. He doesn't want to screw things up. He respects anything I say/choose because he loves me.
I don't know exactly what adjective he used ... but he was _____ it didn't happen because he wants it be special. He wants the answer to be yes for both of us without us having to say it. He wants it to be right for both of us.
I was ready to cry again because the way he said these things was touching. So sincere and touching.
You weren't there, you didn't see his eyes, you didn't hear his voice... do not make me feel naive.
I am very appreciative of each side of him. They all attract me. I just have to know that just because I'm not in the same mood he is at the moment doesn't mean it will constantly/always be like that. It could, but it most likely will not... my moods might be swayed easily anyway...
- -
Put aside the logic and responsibility of everything... I will be almost excited to have sex.
It's alright to have a sense of sexuality... it's natural. I need to get away from being ashamed and scared to admit that I'm a sexual being too.
- -
I wanted to write some of this stuff last night after we got dressed, but he wouldn't leave my side. I told him to go ahead to bed and I'd be there in a few minutes, but he wouldn't budge so I couldn't write in here my not-for-everyone journal, about him, with him right there.
Needless to say, I was highly disappointed. And very stuffed up with emotion.
- -
I'm ok now.
I honestly don't promise anything to anyone anymore. It's so hard.
I don't know if I'll wait until I turn 18... though it'll be easier to deal with doctors and shit on my own and not having to worry about having to tell my parents anything... I just don't know.
Perhaps I'll have my mom get me an appointment and inquire within about policy concerning that and whatnot.
*breathe* See... I'm responsible..
- -
But oh what a shock it would have been to eventually let it leak out that I had sex this weekend... I think just one of you knows I've finally completed my rounds of 3rd base.
Now you all know.
I have chocolate and nuts and caramel and apples and that's all that matters now.
- -
Overview:
1. No sex.
2. (just incase) Devin is still my boyfriend and I love him dearly.
3. 3rd base completely reached.
4. Mika's fine...
- -
I was very close to having sex with Devin. So very close. But as I thought more about it, I started feeling pressure from so many sides and I couldn't... My hormones, the pacts I made with people, the standards certain people hold me at, the swearing I did to myself, love, him, LOGIC...
I said no... he asked why... I said "because"... he asked why... I couldn't think of something to tell him... I just kept saying "because"... and then I said what was probably the best thing to say at a time like this... "I'm not completely ready."
I wasn't. Though my love for him, my comfort level with him, and my hormones were all there... I knew logically and responsibly, I wasn't ready.
After I said that, I hated everything. I cried. He doesn't know it, but I did cry a little. I wanted to cry more, but I couldn't. I wouldn't allow myself to.
I didn't hate him. I didn't blame him.
I simply hated everything. The pressure that everyone, including myself, had placed onto that very moment.
Sex used to scare me to no end... would it hurt? would I ever feel comfortable enough with a guy? would I ever feel comfortable enough with MYSELF??
Those questions aren't there anymore because I know the answers.
After I said that, I thought of the possible consequences that I'd kill myself over if I should have to deal with them... Though I know his past... I don't know everything... so STDs... and then worse... pregnancy. He said he had a condom... I have condoms... but regardless, if something should happen, God forbid!... wow.
I know there are still many things I need to learn (so I'm safe) and sort out until I'm completely ready and that makes me feel so stupid about last night.
- -
Tonight, before we were seated for dinner, he apologized for the pressure he put on me. He doesn't want to screw things up. He respects anything I say/choose because he loves me.
I don't know exactly what adjective he used ... but he was _____ it didn't happen because he wants it be special. He wants the answer to be yes for both of us without us having to say it. He wants it to be right for both of us.
I was ready to cry again because the way he said these things was touching. So sincere and touching.
You weren't there, you didn't see his eyes, you didn't hear his voice... do not make me feel naive.
I am very appreciative of each side of him. They all attract me. I just have to know that just because I'm not in the same mood he is at the moment doesn't mean it will constantly/always be like that. It could, but it most likely will not... my moods might be swayed easily anyway...
- -
Put aside the logic and responsibility of everything... I will be almost excited to have sex.
It's alright to have a sense of sexuality... it's natural. I need to get away from being ashamed and scared to admit that I'm a sexual being too.
- -
I wanted to write some of this stuff last night after we got dressed, but he wouldn't leave my side. I told him to go ahead to bed and I'd be there in a few minutes, but he wouldn't budge so I couldn't write in here my not-for-everyone journal, about him, with him right there.
Needless to say, I was highly disappointed. And very stuffed up with emotion.
- -
I'm ok now.
I honestly don't promise anything to anyone anymore. It's so hard.
I don't know if I'll wait until I turn 18... though it'll be easier to deal with doctors and shit on my own and not having to worry about having to tell my parents anything... I just don't know.
Perhaps I'll have my mom get me an appointment and inquire within about policy concerning that and whatnot.
*breathe* See... I'm responsible..
- -
But oh what a shock it would have been to eventually let it leak out that I had sex this weekend... I think just one of you knows I've finally completed my rounds of 3rd base.
Now you all know.
I have chocolate and nuts and caramel and apples and that's all that matters now.
- -
Overview:
1. No sex.
2. (just incase) Devin is still my boyfriend and I love him dearly.
3. 3rd base completely reached.
4. Mika's fine...