Mystery Science Wedding 3000

[half_double]

Okay. Last one for Protection from Bigots Week. A T-39s piece - a little exploration of what your wedding sounds like when half your guests are telepathic.

Mystery Science Wedding 3000

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today--"

'Hey, Deke, do weddings and funerals start with the same phrase?'

'Yes, Nedda, they do. Now shut up.'



"--this man, Dikaya Ntembe--"

'In this corner, weighing in at 180 pounds, in the red and gold trunks, it's "Deke Lightning" Ntembe!'

'You're gonna make me laugh. Don't make me laugh.'

"--to this man, Hans Diedrich."

'He has the soul of a poet and the claws of a tiger! In the black and white trunks, it's Hans Frozen Stream Diedrich, the Fightin' Ojibwa!'

'I'll kill you, Nedda. Swear to god I will.'

'Would you two please pay attention to the wedding? Dikaya?'

'Sorry, Diedrich.'

'Sorry, Dieds.'

"When Diedrich and Dikaya first came to me, asking me to perform their marriage ceremony--"

'Crap. The sermony bit. Oh, fuck.'

'Nedda!'

'I'm sorry, but Trudy's sitting with my mom.'

'What! Trudy and Crystal? Are they back together?'

'I'm about to find out. Hey there, Trudy.'

'Nedda! Jeez, you scared the crap out of me.'

'Sorry. How're you liking the wedding?'

'It's nice. A little more formal than I'm used to.'

'Catholic weddings are pretty freaky if you're not used to them. Whoops! We're kneeling. And...we're up again. Catholicism is certainly one of the more active of the Christian denominations.'

'How much longer does it go on?'

'At least an hour.'

'Did you need something, Nedda?'

'I don't know. I was just looking around the congregation, and there you were. And I thought, "Hey, there's Trudy. Sitting with my mother."'

'Oh.'

'Yeah, "oh." What gives?'

'She doesn't know a lot of people here. Actually, just Dikaya, you, and me. I thought it would be nice if I sat with her.'

'Well, that's nice of you. Hang on; we're kneeling again. And...we're back. That's all there is to it? I mean, that's the only reason you're sitting with Crystal?'

'If you have something to ask me, Nedda, I suggest you ask it.'

'No. I guess not.'

"And Jesus spake unto His disciples, saying--"

'Heads up, Ned.'

'What? Whatwhat? I'm here, Deke.'

'You got the ring?'

'What ring?'

'That is not cool, man.'

'Couldn't resist. Yeah, I got it right here.'

'Thanks.'

'Hey. You okay?'

'This is a big thing.'

'Please. You fools have been married since, like week three. You're fuckin' Diedrich & Dikaya, man. Nothin' between you but an ampersand.'

'Thank you, Nedda.'

"--not entered into lightly, but solemnly, advisedly--"

'Boringly.'

'NEDDA!'

"Therefore, if anyone here knows any just impediment why these two should not be joined, let them speak now, or evermore hold

their peace."

'Go ahead. Somebody object. I'll take you all with one hand behind my back.'

'Nedda! Stop making Dikaya laugh!'

'Sorry, Dieds....Oh, man. Deke.'

'What now?'

'Jacks is here.'

'The fuck? Who the hell invited him? Oh. Kneeling.'

'Not me. And we're standing. If it was my mother, she's totally going down.'

'All we need now is Threepenny Ben.'

'Don't knock Ben, man. I bet you would've gotten a nice gift from him.'

'And then he would've stolen all the others and taken half the guests hostage.'

'Well...yeah.'

'Dikaya, it's time for the vows, darling. Do you think you and Nedda could cut it out for just a moment?'

'I'm here, Diedrich.'

"Do you, Dikaya, take this man..."

"I do."

'Oh, god, do I ever.'

"And do you, Hans..."

"I do."

'I love you, Dikaya.'

'I love you, too.'

'I'm gonna start bawling. Right now.'

'Nedda, cut it out and give me the ring.'

'Ring?'

'Even less funny now.'

"I give this ring as a symbol of my devotion..."

"I now pronounce you married."

'For God's sake, kiss him!'

'NEDDA!'

"Congratulations, guys."

"Thank you, Nedda. Dikaya?"

"Yes, Diedrich?"

"If we ever have children, no '39s will be invited to their christening."

FIN