I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late
It’s what makes life interesting. Change. Simple - like a chord progression in a song: necessary. Difficult for beginners but nonetheless essential for resolution.
I am every novice instrumentalist struggling to move from one mastered chord to another key entirely. I was. I was known for my drive, my focus, and my potential. Excited to make my mark my favorite quote in high school was one of Arostotle: “Give me a place to stand and I shall move the Earth.”
And now? My fingers are shaking; I can barely hold this position let alone move forward. I’m afraid if I move I will simply fall. Stuck in this lethargic limbo I alone can find whatever it is that I need to begin again. Unfortunately I find that I no longer believe in or care about anything. Not even my personal health or happiness. I look forward to nothing. Nothing excites me. I am completely empty. What happened to the color and the joy in which I once found pride? Where is the independent woman who accomplished so much that she, not only demanded attention, but the world demanded it of her? When the second rape occurred something inside of me snapped in two. The fragile shell that was holding my insides in place, and intact, shattered to some form unrecognizable to even me. When all the work that I had done had not affected my fate, I wondered what difference I can make in other’s lives, let alone my own. So now I stand. I place my feet solidly every morning and remember to breathe. That’s all I know how to do and even that is difficult. One day I will be able to put one foot forward and finally change chords. The world will come to me on its own. I do have faith in that.
I am every novice instrumentalist struggling to move from one mastered chord to another key entirely. I was. I was known for my drive, my focus, and my potential. Excited to make my mark my favorite quote in high school was one of Arostotle: “Give me a place to stand and I shall move the Earth.”
And now? My fingers are shaking; I can barely hold this position let alone move forward. I’m afraid if I move I will simply fall. Stuck in this lethargic limbo I alone can find whatever it is that I need to begin again. Unfortunately I find that I no longer believe in or care about anything. Not even my personal health or happiness. I look forward to nothing. Nothing excites me. I am completely empty. What happened to the color and the joy in which I once found pride? Where is the independent woman who accomplished so much that she, not only demanded attention, but the world demanded it of her? When the second rape occurred something inside of me snapped in two. The fragile shell that was holding my insides in place, and intact, shattered to some form unrecognizable to even me. When all the work that I had done had not affected my fate, I wondered what difference I can make in other’s lives, let alone my own. So now I stand. I place my feet solidly every morning and remember to breathe. That’s all I know how to do and even that is difficult. One day I will be able to put one foot forward and finally change chords. The world will come to me on its own. I do have faith in that.