(no subject)
As I was taking a shower, I took a break from my vocal excersizes and did some thinking about character, personality, relationships, people, and that sort of thing. I think I came to some good conclusions -- showering is good for that.
I think being in a relationship brings out the worst in me. That really sucks, but I think I know why it is. Not long ago, I made the comment that "I dislike people as a whole, like them in groups, and dislike them individually." I was overgeneralizing, but I think what I said really had more to do with how I look at people, rather than how I judge them
Cause boy, do I judge. I was wrong when I said I'm not judgemental. I'm just as judgemental as the next person. But what I like about myself is that I'm able, usually, to seperate a person's faults from their strengths. I can like people even if I dislike an aspect of their character. Most of the time.
First of all, I think I mostly don't care about people as a whole. That is, I want people to be happy, but after that, it's somebody else's business. Politics interests me from an academic standpoint, not a practical one. Sociology often bores me. I don't have a head for too much philosophical/moral discussion, and as for social action, I'm afraid that the more removed the subject is from my life, the more I go along with the Phil Ochs lyric "I'll send all the money you ask for/but don't ask me to come on along."
It's people in groups that I care about. People I can see. That may be part of the reason I like music: first because of the group dynamic among musicians, and also because of the way an audience (interactive or no) reacts to music. People act differently in a group, and it's that kind of relationship that interests and excites me. It's certainly also why the kind of community service I enjoy is the nursing home/soup kitchen kind, rather than the protest rally/fundraising kind.
Individuals? One of my biggest faults may be the way I dislike a person the more I get to know him/her. I've known this about myself for a while now -- to the point that I can see it coming -- but I havn't really been able to overcome it. It mostly seems to happens with people with whom I have a more personal relationship (i.e. girlfriends, siblings, best friends) because like I said, I really can seperate the good from the bad in a person. I think it's just when I care about someone, I want them to be perfect, or at least a better person than I am.
It's funny I should mention that, because the other thing I was thinking about was my own self-worth, and all that business. I was wrong, for instanstance, when I said I've still got an inferiority complex. I used to, but I realized today that I kicked that somewhere in the past couple of years, and didn't even notice. I credit Cinnabar and Tri-M with a lot of it, but it also may have just been maturity. That happens sometimes. I've got a lot of problems with my character, but I'm pretty self aware, and I think that's a good thing.
And that's reall my point: most of the time, I actually do feel pretty good about myself. I like my friends, I generally like my life, and I even like a lot of things about my self. I think my self esteem is still below average, but I'm not worried about me, and neither should anybody else. In fact, humility has made me really enjoy a lot of things. For instance, here at Brandeis, I'm living for the first time among people who are generally as smart or smarter than I, and I love it. I'm at my optimal level of arousal, as Mick Watson would say. I'm being challeneged, I'm forced to think, and I'm being educated in a way I've never been before. I don't think I would be this happy if I wasn't willing to admit that I'm here to work up to a higher level. Otherwise, I woulda just gone to New Paltz.
Anyway, since I've also noticed that I tend to be pretty bad at determining what offends people, I'll throw in a disclaimer. Some of this was pretty obviously in response to specific things my friends have said. I'm sorry if I offended you guys. I know I'm on the shit list for some of you right now, and I accept that. I get pissed off, I do the wrong thing. I frequently forget to keep my mouth shut. I just hope we all remember to keep it cool and make sure we don't really fuck things up. Cause I really do think you all are about as awesome as it gets. Even if you drive me crazy sometimes.
But then -- I drive you pretty crazy, too.
I think being in a relationship brings out the worst in me. That really sucks, but I think I know why it is. Not long ago, I made the comment that "I dislike people as a whole, like them in groups, and dislike them individually." I was overgeneralizing, but I think what I said really had more to do with how I look at people, rather than how I judge them
Cause boy, do I judge. I was wrong when I said I'm not judgemental. I'm just as judgemental as the next person. But what I like about myself is that I'm able, usually, to seperate a person's faults from their strengths. I can like people even if I dislike an aspect of their character. Most of the time.
First of all, I think I mostly don't care about people as a whole. That is, I want people to be happy, but after that, it's somebody else's business. Politics interests me from an academic standpoint, not a practical one. Sociology often bores me. I don't have a head for too much philosophical/moral discussion, and as for social action, I'm afraid that the more removed the subject is from my life, the more I go along with the Phil Ochs lyric "I'll send all the money you ask for/but don't ask me to come on along."
It's people in groups that I care about. People I can see. That may be part of the reason I like music: first because of the group dynamic among musicians, and also because of the way an audience (interactive or no) reacts to music. People act differently in a group, and it's that kind of relationship that interests and excites me. It's certainly also why the kind of community service I enjoy is the nursing home/soup kitchen kind, rather than the protest rally/fundraising kind.
Individuals? One of my biggest faults may be the way I dislike a person the more I get to know him/her. I've known this about myself for a while now -- to the point that I can see it coming -- but I havn't really been able to overcome it. It mostly seems to happens with people with whom I have a more personal relationship (i.e. girlfriends, siblings, best friends) because like I said, I really can seperate the good from the bad in a person. I think it's just when I care about someone, I want them to be perfect, or at least a better person than I am.
It's funny I should mention that, because the other thing I was thinking about was my own self-worth, and all that business. I was wrong, for instanstance, when I said I've still got an inferiority complex. I used to, but I realized today that I kicked that somewhere in the past couple of years, and didn't even notice. I credit Cinnabar and Tri-M with a lot of it, but it also may have just been maturity. That happens sometimes. I've got a lot of problems with my character, but I'm pretty self aware, and I think that's a good thing.
And that's reall my point: most of the time, I actually do feel pretty good about myself. I like my friends, I generally like my life, and I even like a lot of things about my self. I think my self esteem is still below average, but I'm not worried about me, and neither should anybody else. In fact, humility has made me really enjoy a lot of things. For instance, here at Brandeis, I'm living for the first time among people who are generally as smart or smarter than I, and I love it. I'm at my optimal level of arousal, as Mick Watson would say. I'm being challeneged, I'm forced to think, and I'm being educated in a way I've never been before. I don't think I would be this happy if I wasn't willing to admit that I'm here to work up to a higher level. Otherwise, I woulda just gone to New Paltz.
Anyway, since I've also noticed that I tend to be pretty bad at determining what offends people, I'll throw in a disclaimer. Some of this was pretty obviously in response to specific things my friends have said. I'm sorry if I offended you guys. I know I'm on the shit list for some of you right now, and I accept that. I get pissed off, I do the wrong thing. I frequently forget to keep my mouth shut. I just hope we all remember to keep it cool and make sure we don't really fuck things up. Cause I really do think you all are about as awesome as it gets. Even if you drive me crazy sometimes.
But then -- I drive you pretty crazy, too.