Lost Fic: Constant Daze 19/24
Title: Constant Daze - Part Nineteen (Boone)
Characters: For this chapter - Jack, Boone and Penny, with the rest of the band in the background
Pairing/s this chapter: nothing specific mentioned, but the usual suggestions
Word Count: 2095
Rating: NC-17 overall for the whole fic. PG-13 for this chapter
Warnings: Through-out the fic there is quite a lot of casual sex, and unsafe sex by today's standards. Please bear in mind this is set before AIDS awareness hit in the eighties, and condoms were seldom used by homosexuals at the time. Some of the attitudes expressed are not very accepting, to say the least, but these are not a reflection of my own beliefs.
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost or any of the characters; I make no money from writing this, but I had an awful lot of fun making it up!
Beta: The always helpful siluria; thank you, my love!
Author’s Notes: Rock band AU written during S4 of Lost. This may go some way to explaining some of the characters' appearance and personalities. This story is set in the mid-seventies; way before cell phones and computers ruled our lives and before music was even on CDs, let alone downloadable online! Constant Daze is an up-and-coming band in a similar style to Bad Company.
This Chapter: Boone tries to apologise to Jack, and to figure out how things went so badly.
Beautiful banner made by janie_tangerine
Previous Chapters:
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six
Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine | Part Ten | Part Eleven | Part Twelve
Part Thirteen | Part Fourteen | Part Fifteen | Part Sixteen | Part Seventeen | Part Eighteen
This Chapter:
You left and my world fell apart, and I was desperate to find you
I want you back but where do I start, I need help to remind you
I don't know if you'll ever remember, when love reigned supreme
The only time that I get to see you now, is here in my dreams
'Dead of the Night' Bad Company
As he stood facing Jack, Boone licked his lips, his brow creasing. "Please, Jack."
"How could you?" Jack asked, not meeting his eyes.
Boone dropped his own eyes, embarrassment and shame swirling inside him. "I was drunk. Really drunk and I…" He shook his head, swallowing hard, unable to go on.
Why had he done what he'd done?
Sawyer and Sayid; both of them, not just separately, but together. He'd let them both fuck him at once.
He barely remembered anything about it, but his ass had ached like hell when he'd woken up naked and alone in Sayid's bed afterward. Sayid was still in the room, but Sawyer was long gone. Boone had been confused and nervous, trying to piece together events of the night before and why his ass should be so damned sore, but Sayid had taken great pleasure in filling in the blanks for him-including the part where Jack had walked in and seen him in bed naked with Sawyer; not to mention Sawyer's delight in informing Jack exactly what all three of them had been up to.
Boone had been shocked to find out what they'd done, but there were no bruises nor other pain to indicate any of it was against his will. He'd rapidly dressed as the reality sunk in-why else would he be feeling so well-used? He'd been fucked by more than one guy in a night before-but never at the same time-and hadn't felt anywhere near as sore afterwards. There were only two possibilities: they'd been rough or Sayid was telling the truth. The lack of other marks spoke for the latter.
Flushed and aching-both his head and his ass-he had rapidly escaped from Sayid's room and crept back to the room he was supposedly sharing with Jack. Heart thumping wildly, he gazed forlornly at his duffle bag in the hallway outside the room.
Jack had kicked him out.
Jack wouldn't speak to him the next time he saw him; wouldn't let him near enough to explain. Thank God for Penny, Boone's saviour in more ways than she could possibly understand. Of course he hadn't been able to tell her exactly what had gone on in the room with Sawyer and Sayid, but she understood enough to know he'd fooled around on Jack and been caught out. He'd mentioned Ben's part in his actions only briefly, and more about how much he'd had to drink before he'd approached Sayid, so she was understanding enough, but the look in her eyes said he'd disappointed her almost as much as he had Jack.
Shame and guilt filled him, even though he blamed Ben for making things so unbearable, and all he wanted was to take it back; undo the day before and make Jack understand how frightened he was of losing him. But the thought occurred to him that maybe he'd ruined it himself because it was easier than waiting for Jack to throw him over for Sawyer and the band, like Ben had suggested he would.
Now, all he could think to say was, "I don't know. I don't even remember it. I was so out of it…"
"Why? Why would you have felt the need to get so drunk that you couldn't even…" Jack stopped abruptly, anger and something unreadable filling his eyes. He ran a hand unevenly through his hair and shook his head. "I thought we had something, Boone."
"We do! We did…" Boone gulped, blinking hard as he stood there uncertainly. He wouldn't mention Ben, despite the fact that if it hadn't have been for him Boone would never have started drinking that night. Ben was right: Jack would never believe him over Ben. "I have no excuse, Jack. I'm sorry though, you have to believe me. I never meant to hurt you and if I could undo it, I would."
Jack looked at him silently for a few more minutes, then took a step forward. Whether he saw Boone's pain or whether he just couldn't be bothered being annoyed any more, Boone wasn't sure, but Jack's anger seemed to bleed away as he moved, and then he was wrapping his arms around Boone.
"I'm so damned sorry!" Boone cried, tears spilling hotly onto Jack's shirt.
"Ssh, it's okay. I know it's more their fault than yours. Sssh, now."
Jack's forgiveness, though it was what Boone wanted more than anything, seemed wrong somehow, and it was hard to stop the tears. He sniffled for a little longer, desperate to stay in Jack's arms, but he knew he had to pull himself together. He wasn't a girl and no matter what anyone else thought, he didn't want Jack to think he was that pathetic.
Finally, he pulled away, wiping at his nose and eyes. Jack held out something and he took it without a word, only realising it was a handkerchief as he blinked away more tears. It smelt of Jack, and Boone nearly started crying again at the reminder of what he was losing. Gulping again, he used it to clean up as best he could while Jack stood watching him without a word.
"I'll get it cleaned and back to you as soon as I can. Jack, I…"
"It's okay, Boone, keep it. Don't… don't try and apologise again. I'm not sure I'm ready to take up where we left off, but… it's going to look strange if I keep being so damned angry at you. Look, let's just get on the bus, get back to LA, and we'll talk again later, okay?"
"Okay." It was enough for now.
~//~
The bus trip was more subdued than the last ride, perhaps due to Jack's mood, although Boone wondered at Sawyer and Sayid's evident strain with each other and how much that contributed to the overall atmosphere. He felt guilty about that too-in addition to his guilt towards Jack-without quite understanding why he should. Sawyer and Sayid seemed to be cut of the same cloth; both unable to face up to their true natures and how they felt for each other. Had he been some kind of punishment between them, he wondered now, trying to work out why he'd ended up with both of them.
In the end, he couldn't make sense of any of it and found himself dozing off on Penny's shoulder. He hadn't said too much to her about what he and Jack had said to each other; it was too difficult on the bus with everyone listening in, so he'd just let her know that Jack had agreed for him to come, and said he'd talk to her about it later.
He woke with a jolt when the bus hissed to a stop much later that night, and blinked stupidly as Penny asked him something. "Huh?"
"We're home. Are you staying with Jack tonight, or is that out of the question still?"
Penny's concerned smile was amused enough, but there was a lingering disappointment in her eyes and Boone felt dreadful all over again. He had let her down; let Jack down; and most of all, let himself down. He had to fix things; had to make it right so that no one would end up getting hurt anymore than they already had, especially not Jack.
"I'm not sure, Penny. I… perhaps I'll just head home. I… I'm not sure Jack's ever going to trust me again.
"Oh, Boone!" Penny took Boone's hand and looked sadly into his eyes. He smiled half-heartedly at her and gazed back down the bus to where Jack was gathering up his things. "Talk to him again?"
"I don't think so," Boone replied, shaking his head. "I'll call you later in the week, okay?"
Penny nodded, still looking concerned.
Boone gave Jack one last glance and stood up to grab his duffle and swing out of his seat and off the bus before Jack or anyone else could stop him. He sniffed in the gathering twilight and looked both ways down the street. He could see a taxi in the distance, and put up his hand to hail it before he changed his mind and did something stupid.
~//~
It was late and Boone had practically no food in the apartment, but he didn't feel up to going out. Truth be told, he didn't feel hungry anyway. Where hunger should be was an empty aching hollow, and he wondered if it would ever change, the way things stood. Jack hadn't tried to stop him as he got into the taxi, and Boone hadn't looked back.
The apartment smelt musty; it had been closed up for months while he followed the tour. His mother had paid the rent while he was away or it probably would have been re-let by now. Boone glanced at the phone as he dumped his stuff and went into the tiny kitchen. He should call her; thank her for indulging him once more, but he wasn't sure now was the time. He'd probably just get a lecture for leaving his responsibilities behind again, and then she'd be asking if he was ever going to find a nice girl and settle down.
Searching the cupboards, Boone found a single can of beans and the remains of a pack of coffee and grinned lopsidedly as he plugged in the coffeemaker. Thank God for small mercies.
Maybe he should call Shannon. Who did she say she was staying with? Boone frowned and heaved a long sigh. He'd just get a lecture there too, or else she'd think Jack was to blame and start heading off to carry out her threat of cutting off his balls.
No, there was no point in calling anyone just yet. Boone found a clean-looking cup and sat down to wait for the coffee to be ready.
The shrill of the telephone almost gave him a heart attack. Who even knew he was home?
Unsteadily, Boone got to his feet and went back into the living area to answer it. He paused for a moment, trying to think who it could be, and picked it up nervously.
"Hello?"
"Oh, thank God! Penny called me; said you guys were back. You better have a good reason why I shouldn't just go see Jack right now with a big knife."
"Shannon! Don't even think about it." Boone moved the phone from his right hand to his left and unravelled the cord to take it with him into the kitchen. "It was all my fault. I let him down and… he's not gonna forgive me. Just… forget it, okay?"
He poured the coffee one-handed as she replied. "No way, idiot. I am not letting this go. If you did something stupid, you need to get down on your knees and make it right. Boone, you followed this guy for so long, hoping… What on earth made you try and ruin it so soon?"
"Shan… look, I…" He put the coffee pot down and rubbed his brow, wondering how he could explain it. "I got drunk; I made a mistake, okay? It was dumb and he has every right to hate me for it."
"What did you do? Don't tell me you let Sawyer fuck you again?"
Boone licked his lips, too guilty to answer.
"Oh Christ, Boone! You didn't? Why on earth would you let that asshole destroy something you worked so hard to get? You idiot!"
He couldn't tell her the truth; not now. She was as disappointed in him as Jack was; as he was in himself. And he knew it wasn't what he'd done so much as why. Sawyer had simply taken advantage of a situation that had already gone to hell; Boone had already been in bed with Sayid when he'd arrived, and that would never have been the case if it wasn't for the things Ben had told him; the things Ben believed to be true.
Things that probably were true, if Jack's reaction was anything to go by.
"I don't want to talk about it, Shannon. I… I just need a good night's sleep; time to think about what I'm gonna do next. I'll call you tomorrow and you can beat me up about it some more then, once I'm done flagellating myself, okay?"
"Oh, Boone…"
She sounded genuinely sorry and Boone decided it just made him feel worse. She should stay angry with him; it would help him forget his sorrow.
"I'll call you tomorrow, Shannon." He hung up and went back to the coffee and his self-recriminations.
~//~//~
Part Twenty
Apple Macintosh Computer
Characters: For this chapter - Jack, Boone and Penny, with the rest of the band in the background
Pairing/s this chapter: nothing specific mentioned, but the usual suggestions
Word Count: 2095
Rating: NC-17 overall for the whole fic. PG-13 for this chapter
Warnings: Through-out the fic there is quite a lot of casual sex, and unsafe sex by today's standards. Please bear in mind this is set before AIDS awareness hit in the eighties, and condoms were seldom used by homosexuals at the time. Some of the attitudes expressed are not very accepting, to say the least, but these are not a reflection of my own beliefs.
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost or any of the characters; I make no money from writing this, but I had an awful lot of fun making it up!
Beta: The always helpful siluria; thank you, my love!
Author’s Notes: Rock band AU written during S4 of Lost. This may go some way to explaining some of the characters' appearance and personalities. This story is set in the mid-seventies; way before cell phones and computers ruled our lives and before music was even on CDs, let alone downloadable online! Constant Daze is an up-and-coming band in a similar style to Bad Company.
This Chapter: Boone tries to apologise to Jack, and to figure out how things went so badly.
Beautiful banner made by janie_tangerine
Previous Chapters:
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six
Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine | Part Ten | Part Eleven | Part Twelve
Part Thirteen | Part Fourteen | Part Fifteen | Part Sixteen | Part Seventeen | Part Eighteen
This Chapter:
You left and my world fell apart, and I was desperate to find you
I want you back but where do I start, I need help to remind you
I don't know if you'll ever remember, when love reigned supreme
The only time that I get to see you now, is here in my dreams
'Dead of the Night' Bad Company
As he stood facing Jack, Boone licked his lips, his brow creasing. "Please, Jack."
"How could you?" Jack asked, not meeting his eyes.
Boone dropped his own eyes, embarrassment and shame swirling inside him. "I was drunk. Really drunk and I…" He shook his head, swallowing hard, unable to go on.
Why had he done what he'd done?
Sawyer and Sayid; both of them, not just separately, but together. He'd let them both fuck him at once.
He barely remembered anything about it, but his ass had ached like hell when he'd woken up naked and alone in Sayid's bed afterward. Sayid was still in the room, but Sawyer was long gone. Boone had been confused and nervous, trying to piece together events of the night before and why his ass should be so damned sore, but Sayid had taken great pleasure in filling in the blanks for him-including the part where Jack had walked in and seen him in bed naked with Sawyer; not to mention Sawyer's delight in informing Jack exactly what all three of them had been up to.
Boone had been shocked to find out what they'd done, but there were no bruises nor other pain to indicate any of it was against his will. He'd rapidly dressed as the reality sunk in-why else would he be feeling so well-used? He'd been fucked by more than one guy in a night before-but never at the same time-and hadn't felt anywhere near as sore afterwards. There were only two possibilities: they'd been rough or Sayid was telling the truth. The lack of other marks spoke for the latter.
Flushed and aching-both his head and his ass-he had rapidly escaped from Sayid's room and crept back to the room he was supposedly sharing with Jack. Heart thumping wildly, he gazed forlornly at his duffle bag in the hallway outside the room.
Jack had kicked him out.
Jack wouldn't speak to him the next time he saw him; wouldn't let him near enough to explain. Thank God for Penny, Boone's saviour in more ways than she could possibly understand. Of course he hadn't been able to tell her exactly what had gone on in the room with Sawyer and Sayid, but she understood enough to know he'd fooled around on Jack and been caught out. He'd mentioned Ben's part in his actions only briefly, and more about how much he'd had to drink before he'd approached Sayid, so she was understanding enough, but the look in her eyes said he'd disappointed her almost as much as he had Jack.
Shame and guilt filled him, even though he blamed Ben for making things so unbearable, and all he wanted was to take it back; undo the day before and make Jack understand how frightened he was of losing him. But the thought occurred to him that maybe he'd ruined it himself because it was easier than waiting for Jack to throw him over for Sawyer and the band, like Ben had suggested he would.
Now, all he could think to say was, "I don't know. I don't even remember it. I was so out of it…"
"Why? Why would you have felt the need to get so drunk that you couldn't even…" Jack stopped abruptly, anger and something unreadable filling his eyes. He ran a hand unevenly through his hair and shook his head. "I thought we had something, Boone."
"We do! We did…" Boone gulped, blinking hard as he stood there uncertainly. He wouldn't mention Ben, despite the fact that if it hadn't have been for him Boone would never have started drinking that night. Ben was right: Jack would never believe him over Ben. "I have no excuse, Jack. I'm sorry though, you have to believe me. I never meant to hurt you and if I could undo it, I would."
Jack looked at him silently for a few more minutes, then took a step forward. Whether he saw Boone's pain or whether he just couldn't be bothered being annoyed any more, Boone wasn't sure, but Jack's anger seemed to bleed away as he moved, and then he was wrapping his arms around Boone.
"I'm so damned sorry!" Boone cried, tears spilling hotly onto Jack's shirt.
"Ssh, it's okay. I know it's more their fault than yours. Sssh, now."
Jack's forgiveness, though it was what Boone wanted more than anything, seemed wrong somehow, and it was hard to stop the tears. He sniffled for a little longer, desperate to stay in Jack's arms, but he knew he had to pull himself together. He wasn't a girl and no matter what anyone else thought, he didn't want Jack to think he was that pathetic.
Finally, he pulled away, wiping at his nose and eyes. Jack held out something and he took it without a word, only realising it was a handkerchief as he blinked away more tears. It smelt of Jack, and Boone nearly started crying again at the reminder of what he was losing. Gulping again, he used it to clean up as best he could while Jack stood watching him without a word.
"I'll get it cleaned and back to you as soon as I can. Jack, I…"
"It's okay, Boone, keep it. Don't… don't try and apologise again. I'm not sure I'm ready to take up where we left off, but… it's going to look strange if I keep being so damned angry at you. Look, let's just get on the bus, get back to LA, and we'll talk again later, okay?"
"Okay." It was enough for now.
~//~
The bus trip was more subdued than the last ride, perhaps due to Jack's mood, although Boone wondered at Sawyer and Sayid's evident strain with each other and how much that contributed to the overall atmosphere. He felt guilty about that too-in addition to his guilt towards Jack-without quite understanding why he should. Sawyer and Sayid seemed to be cut of the same cloth; both unable to face up to their true natures and how they felt for each other. Had he been some kind of punishment between them, he wondered now, trying to work out why he'd ended up with both of them.
In the end, he couldn't make sense of any of it and found himself dozing off on Penny's shoulder. He hadn't said too much to her about what he and Jack had said to each other; it was too difficult on the bus with everyone listening in, so he'd just let her know that Jack had agreed for him to come, and said he'd talk to her about it later.
He woke with a jolt when the bus hissed to a stop much later that night, and blinked stupidly as Penny asked him something. "Huh?"
"We're home. Are you staying with Jack tonight, or is that out of the question still?"
Penny's concerned smile was amused enough, but there was a lingering disappointment in her eyes and Boone felt dreadful all over again. He had let her down; let Jack down; and most of all, let himself down. He had to fix things; had to make it right so that no one would end up getting hurt anymore than they already had, especially not Jack.
"I'm not sure, Penny. I… perhaps I'll just head home. I… I'm not sure Jack's ever going to trust me again.
"Oh, Boone!" Penny took Boone's hand and looked sadly into his eyes. He smiled half-heartedly at her and gazed back down the bus to where Jack was gathering up his things. "Talk to him again?"
"I don't think so," Boone replied, shaking his head. "I'll call you later in the week, okay?"
Penny nodded, still looking concerned.
Boone gave Jack one last glance and stood up to grab his duffle and swing out of his seat and off the bus before Jack or anyone else could stop him. He sniffed in the gathering twilight and looked both ways down the street. He could see a taxi in the distance, and put up his hand to hail it before he changed his mind and did something stupid.
~//~
It was late and Boone had practically no food in the apartment, but he didn't feel up to going out. Truth be told, he didn't feel hungry anyway. Where hunger should be was an empty aching hollow, and he wondered if it would ever change, the way things stood. Jack hadn't tried to stop him as he got into the taxi, and Boone hadn't looked back.
The apartment smelt musty; it had been closed up for months while he followed the tour. His mother had paid the rent while he was away or it probably would have been re-let by now. Boone glanced at the phone as he dumped his stuff and went into the tiny kitchen. He should call her; thank her for indulging him once more, but he wasn't sure now was the time. He'd probably just get a lecture for leaving his responsibilities behind again, and then she'd be asking if he was ever going to find a nice girl and settle down.
Searching the cupboards, Boone found a single can of beans and the remains of a pack of coffee and grinned lopsidedly as he plugged in the coffeemaker. Thank God for small mercies.
Maybe he should call Shannon. Who did she say she was staying with? Boone frowned and heaved a long sigh. He'd just get a lecture there too, or else she'd think Jack was to blame and start heading off to carry out her threat of cutting off his balls.
No, there was no point in calling anyone just yet. Boone found a clean-looking cup and sat down to wait for the coffee to be ready.
The shrill of the telephone almost gave him a heart attack. Who even knew he was home?
Unsteadily, Boone got to his feet and went back into the living area to answer it. He paused for a moment, trying to think who it could be, and picked it up nervously.
"Hello?"
"Oh, thank God! Penny called me; said you guys were back. You better have a good reason why I shouldn't just go see Jack right now with a big knife."
"Shannon! Don't even think about it." Boone moved the phone from his right hand to his left and unravelled the cord to take it with him into the kitchen. "It was all my fault. I let him down and… he's not gonna forgive me. Just… forget it, okay?"
He poured the coffee one-handed as she replied. "No way, idiot. I am not letting this go. If you did something stupid, you need to get down on your knees and make it right. Boone, you followed this guy for so long, hoping… What on earth made you try and ruin it so soon?"
"Shan… look, I…" He put the coffee pot down and rubbed his brow, wondering how he could explain it. "I got drunk; I made a mistake, okay? It was dumb and he has every right to hate me for it."
"What did you do? Don't tell me you let Sawyer fuck you again?"
Boone licked his lips, too guilty to answer.
"Oh Christ, Boone! You didn't? Why on earth would you let that asshole destroy something you worked so hard to get? You idiot!"
He couldn't tell her the truth; not now. She was as disappointed in him as Jack was; as he was in himself. And he knew it wasn't what he'd done so much as why. Sawyer had simply taken advantage of a situation that had already gone to hell; Boone had already been in bed with Sayid when he'd arrived, and that would never have been the case if it wasn't for the things Ben had told him; the things Ben believed to be true.
Things that probably were true, if Jack's reaction was anything to go by.
"I don't want to talk about it, Shannon. I… I just need a good night's sleep; time to think about what I'm gonna do next. I'll call you tomorrow and you can beat me up about it some more then, once I'm done flagellating myself, okay?"
"Oh, Boone…"
She sounded genuinely sorry and Boone decided it just made him feel worse. She should stay angry with him; it would help him forget his sorrow.
"I'll call you tomorrow, Shannon." He hung up and went back to the coffee and his self-recriminations.
~//~//~
Part Twenty
Apple Macintosh Computer