Lost fic: By the Time I Get to Phoenix, Part Four - Over My Head
Title: By the Time I Get to Phoenix, Part 4: Over My Head
Pairing: Sayid/Jack, mentions of Sawyer/Jack, Sawyer/Sayid
Rating: NC-17 for sex
Word Count: 4485 this part
Beta: My good friend gregoria44, who continues to help me with some very basic things.
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost, nor do I make any money from my wild imaginings.
Warnings: This chapter features mentions of rape and violence.
Summary: This is an AU set slightly before S4, and assuming the survivors were all rescued long before Capt. Gault and Keamy, et al, showed up.
Author's Notes: This sequel follows something I wrote for nomango some time ago, a three-part story called After the Ball wherein Sawyer and Sayid were a couple after leaving the island, but Jack came back into their lives and complicated things.
In this part: Jack and Sayid 'discuss' recent events, and Jack finds out some disturbing things.
Banner made with love by lozateazer. Thank you darling!
Previous Parts: 1. Substitute | 2. Crazy for You | 3. We Belong
You can take me to paradise,
And then again you can be cold as ice
I'm over my head,
But it sure feels nice
'Over My Head' Fleetwood Mac
Sayid looked up as Jack entered the hotel room, his puzzlement deepening as Jack gave him an almost guilty look for a second, before smiling nervously and walking towards him.
"Jack?" Sayid questioned, standing up to kiss his lover, "Where have you been? Your note wasn't clear. I was beginning to worry."
"I… I'm sorry, Sayid." Jack moved towards the fridge after the briefest peck on the lips. "How did you get on?"
"I followed him and he led me directly to his pimp and presumably dealer," Sayid confirmed, waiting for the shock to register on Jack's face.
Jack had opened the fridge and was reaching inside for something. He stopped at Sayid's words, but his hesitation was brief, and the look on his face wasn't quite the one Sayid had expected.
"Pimp?" Jack asked far too casually for him not to have known. He lifted the beer bottle he'd found and, popping the top, took a sip, his dark eyes looking anywhere but at Sayid's face.
"You knew, didn't you?" Sayid sat down and picked up his coffee cup. "How much did he tell you the other day? Or do you want to tell me about today?"
Taking a careful sip of the hot liquid, he watched Jack intently.
"I… today? What about today?" Jack frowned, wandering towards the window but still not meeting Sayid's eyes. "I talked to my friend in Sonoma, and he explained a lot of things I already knew. The facility he works in may be able to take Sawyer if we can get him there, but it's a voluntary place, so he'd have to want it."
"I didn't mean that and you know it."
"Then what are you talking about?" Jack turned, taking another swig from the bottle and finally fixing Sayid with a stare instantly recognisable as one he used when holding something back.
"Did you sleep with him?" Sayid asked, unable to help himself. He felt the ridge of pain behind his eyes that always preceded full anger. Swallowing carefully, he stared back at Jack for a moment while the man hesitated; an instant long enough to tell him the answer. Dropping his eyes, Sayid looked into his coffee cup and took another drink before speaking again in a lower voice. "How could you?"
"Sayid, I didn't go over there with the intention of sleeping with him!"
He put down the beer bottle and moved to perch on the couch next to Sayid, but Sayid couldn't look at him. If he did, he knew his anger would break free, and that was the last thing he needed. It would do neither of them any good. Nonetheless, he was annoyed and jealous and a myriad of other jumbled-together emotions he couldn't untangle. A slight smell of sex hung about Jack, and that wasn't helping.
"I've no doubt you meant to go over there for whatever noble reason you told yourself, but clearly, whatever happened, it wasn't noble and it wasn't…" Sayid tried to keep his voice even, but suddenly it failed him. He stopped speaking and focused on the contents of his coffee cup like they would save him somehow.
"Sayid…" Jack murmured, reaching out a hand to touch Sayid's wrist.
At the touch, Sayid drew away sharply, thumping his coffee cup down on the table in front of them so hard that the fluid inside rocked uncertainly, not quite making it over the edge of the cup.
"What on earth did you think you were doing, Jack?" Sayid grit out, letting the anger take him over, despite all his intentions to remain calm. He looked up, and Jack flinched as if he'd struck him, but Sayid didn't stop. "How could you possibly think that having sex with Sawyer would help him right now? Or did you let go of that perfect self-control of yours for selfish reasons yet again?"
Jack appeared to be trembling, but at Sayid's words, he growled back, "You think you'd have been any better faced with him like that? Sayid, he practically threw himself at me! I tried… I… fuck; can't you see how hard this is for me?"
Standing up again, Jack paced over to the window, running one hand across his short hair.
"Hard?" Sayid spat, standing up, but not moving, "How hard it is for you? Do you not think it's hard for me? Sawyer was my boyfriend before you came and tried to steal him away from me! Do you have any idea how difficult I have found it to keep away from him in the past few days? To let you-the man who started all this-go in there to him when we first found him, while I sat in the car, helpless and alone, imagining all sorts of things… do you really think that was easy for me? Every time-every single time-we've watched him or followed him, I've imagined being in his arms again, and you know what else? When you went out for something yesterday and left me here alone, I contemplated whether I had time to visit him before you came back. Foolish though it sounds, it went through my head!"
At the end of this, Sayid was shaking, but his anger was dissipating. He was just as bad as Jack in the end. They were supposed to be together now, and helping Sawyer, not fighting over him like a couple of tom-cats in heat. But he didn't feel able to say any of this.
"If that's how you feel, Sayid, why don't you just go to him? Forget me, and go to him. Hell, what am I to you anyway? He always mattered more, no matter what you said, didn't he? I never understood why you thought I should go in alone, in any case. Why me and not you? Did you… did you want this to happen from the start?"
"No, Jack, no…" Sayid whispered and collapsed back onto the couch, burying his face in his hands. "I can't stand it!" he muttered, unsure if he knew exactly what it was he couldn't stand.
"Please, Sayid…" Jack begged, moving close again and finding his place next to Sayid. Putting an arm around him, Jack pulled so that Sayid's damp face pressed into his neck. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I just… I'm sorry."
Not normally one who gave into his emotions easily, Sayid felt drained and raw, and despite the way they'd just ripped into each other and his jealousy over the whole situation-although he couldn't have clearly said who he was most jealous of right now: Sawyer or Jack-he gripped Jack tightly and tears began to flow.
"Ssshh," Jack soothed, stroking his hair and holding him close.
After some minutes of this, Sayid pulled himself together and drew away from Jack, finding a handkerchief and wiping at his eyes before blowing his nose. Slowly, he looked up to study his lover's face.
"If I could undo it, Sayid…" Jack began, and Sayid saw the pain in his expressive hazel eyes.
"I know," Sayid nodded, "It's just so very difficult, Jack. Sitting back and watching someone self-destruct has never been my strong suit. I loved him and I pushed him away. If I had not done that… and I know how very hard he is to resist. Why do you think I have kept away? Sleeping with him will solve nothing. But I… I thought you would be stronger than me; that you would be able to resist him."
Jack listened in silence, his face falling more as Sayid continued. Sayid found himself closing his eyes in pain at the sight.
"I wish…" Jack started, swallowing as if his own tears were too close to control, "I wish I hadn't done it. It wasn't right for any of us. He… Christ, Sayid, he didn't even finish. He said he didn't have the energy after what he'd been doing. And I felt so damned stupid afterwards, like it was all I went there for. It wasn't though; you have to believe that. I love you. I…" Jack stopped, as if he would say too much by continuing, and Sayid wondered how much he had learned about what Sawyer did.
"I love you too, Jack, but I love Sawyer as well. And I suppose I can't blame you for not resisting him, when I'd probably have done the same thing. Did he... tell you what he's been doing?"
Reaching out a hand, Jack fondled a tangled lock of Sayid's hair, seeming to gather his thoughts before speaking. "I love him and I wanted him, and I'm sorry," he managed almost all together, the words fighting to be said so quickly that Sayid almost didn't understand them. "He told me he'd been selling himself. What did you find out?"
"I'm sorry too," Sayid admitted, taking Jack's hand away from his hair and kissing it. "We need to stop beating each other up about this and work out what to do."
Suddenly remembering Noel's face, he looked into Jack's so very similar one. "His pimp is… very like you, physically, although a very different man inside, I can assure you. He thought I was a customer. I allowed him to think I was new in town and looking for 'fun'. He's agreed to set me up with someone tomorrow afternoon. Someone that I very much hope is Sawyer, because if it is not, I don't know what I shall do." He laughed lightly, but there was an edge to the sound.
"Like me?" Jack was clearly intrigued by the fact that this man who had such control over Sawyer's life was something like him, but didn't ask any of the questions that were written in his eyes. "How did you manage that? You're not sure it's Sawyer, though?"
"No, Noel didn't say. But I described the sort of man I was interested in, physically and… what I wanted from him; or would want were I a genuine customer, that is. Jack… did Sawyer seem…" he licked his lips, wondering how to explain exactly what Sawyer did for his clients, "Did he seem… hurt?"
"Hurt?" Jack's eyes filmed over for a second as if he was remembering something.
Sayid felt a sickly sweet fear rise inside him. "Did he? You saw him naked. Please, tell me?"
"He had… some kind of marks across his ass." Jack's face pinked slightly under his tan.
Perhaps not as bad as Sayid had feared, but what other things was he hiding? What about internal scars from the humiliation Sayid was convinced Sawyer had experienced?
"He did say…" Jack hesitated, eyes tracing across Sayid's face as if searching for something, "…that it was 'nothing he didn't deserve or ask for'. And…" He stopped, his face darkening under a blush as he looked away.
"And what, Jack?"
Jack looked up again, eyes shining in pain.
"He said… he told me…" Dropping his eyes once more, Jack's lips trembled and for a moment Sayid didn't think he was going to say more, but haltingly he finally got out, "He suggested that next time… I could… hurt him. Whip him. Afterwards, he acted… like I was… like I was paying him. There was no love. Even though… it's what I wanted."
Sayid realised he'd been holding Jack's hand still, and his grip was tightening. He let it go and stood up, moving to look out the window. The sky was completely clear, the blue of it so rich it almost hurt. He wondered how his heart could feel so broken on such a beautiful day. He said nothing.
"Sayid?" Jack stood up and moved behind him, his shadow resting across Sayid's shoulder.
"What do you want me to say?" Sayid whispered eventually, leaning against the sill so that his forehead met the glass. It was cool; so very cool, and it soothed his aching head.
"I don't know," Jack answered, lifting a hand and touching Sayid's hair. "I wasn't sure he meant it and the marks didn't seem that bad. But… you think he does things? Allows men to… hurt him? Really hurt him?"
"I'm sure of it," Sayid said, closing his eyes and picturing Sawyer on his knees while Noel did all manner of disgusting things to him.
Jack moved closer, his body a mere breath away and his hand still stroking gently through Sayid's hair.
"We have to get him out of here." Sayid lifted his head as Jack's hand fell away, and looked at his lover. "I have this appointment now and I must keep it; find out what hold this man has over Sawyer. I'm sure it's more than just drugs."
Turning fully to face Jack, it was as if his own words had helped steady Sayid's heart; put him back on track towards doing what they had come here to do. None of the rest of it mattered for now. Saving Sawyer was the important thing.
"I agree." Jack nodded, studying Sayid once more. "What else can we do today?"
"I can find out about this man-this Noel-and what he does. My connections should have some information." Sayid gave Jack one last concerned look, and then he stepped around him to reach for the phone. "If I make a few calls now, I can go in there prepared tomorrow. If it is just about money, then maybe we can buy Sawyer's freedom if we need to."
"I'm not sure he's going to let us do that so easily, Sayid," Jack said, following Sayid.
"Perhaps not, but we can try, can we not?"
~//~//~
Jack stood under the spray of the shower and shut his eyes. He let the water flow over and around him, cooling his heated flesh. How could he have done something so foolish? But Sawyer had seemed…
Need you, want you, Sawyer had told him. Was that true, or had that just been something to keep Jack off-balance; a lie he told to the other men who used him as well? There was no way to tell.
Jack had to believe that Sawyer wanted his help; their help. How could anyone want to stay in the pits of hell that Sawyer seemed to inhabit? No matter what he thought he deserved, surely he couldn't want his life to be like that?
And Sayid… after the things they'd said to each other when they started the search for Sawyer-not to mention what they'd said once they found him-how could Jack have forgotten what Sayid meant to him now? Because he had forgotten, evidently, or he wouldn't have gone so easily to Sawyer's bed.
Sayid seemed to forgive him, but Jack wasn't sure he could forgive himself. Nor did he think that either of them would forget it so easily.
No matter what did or didn't happen between him and Sayid-or Sawyer for that matter-Jack knew they had to get Sawyer away from the life he'd fallen into. He was convinced that Sawyer would die if they didn't do something, and he was fairly sure that part of Sayid's despair was based on the same thought.
Finally, Jack turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. He could hear Sayid's soft tones through the open door of the bathroom; still on the phone. Pausing in his drying for a second, Jack tried to make out what his lover was saying, but he soon realised Sayid was speaking in Arabic and he didn't have a hope in hell of understanding.
Sayid had already made several calls, most in Arabic, although a few were in English and one, to Jack's surprise, in French. Jack struggled to remember any of the schoolboy French he had learned, but Sayid's smooth accent was so flawless and fast, he couldn't follow it. Eventually, Jack had given up trying to follow what Sayid was discovering-the man hadn't spoken much more than a few words to him between calls, and most of that made little sense-and headed for the shower. He hadn't washed after his… episode… with Sawyer and probably still stank, though Sayid hadn't commented on it.
He felt much cleaner as he finished drying off and wrapped the towel around his waist. Sniffing lightly, he wandered into the bedroom and settled onto the bed. He felt so damned tired. Whether it was the heat or the stress of the whole situation he wasn't sure, but perhaps if he just closed his eyes for a few minutes…
~//~//~
A soft hand stroked low over his belly and Jack slowly blinked awake as he felt his desire radiating outward from the touch.
"You looked so beautiful there." Sayid shifted on the bed to smile down into Jack's eyes.
Jack smiled back, swallowing nervously. His towel had fallen open and his cock was half-hard against his thigh as Sayid's hand continued its gentle movement across his abdomen. Why would Sayid even want to touch him after what he'd done this afternoon?
Sayid had changed into soft muslin pants and shirt with red and gold embroidery around the edges. The pale material made his skin glow with health and warmth. So very different from Sawyer's sickly and washed out appearance.
Sayid's smile hadn't faltered, and he shifted his hand to stroke over Jack's sensitive nipples one at a time. Unable to help himself, Jack let out a slight gasp.
"There's nothing else I can do tonight," Sayid whispered, "but I'm ready for tomorrow. Let me?" he asked, lifting his hand away.
"You don't need permission," Jack told him, "but do you want to?"
His heart thumped harshly against his ribs. What if Sayid rejected him now? Perhaps he actually wanted Sayid to do so? He'd told the man he loved him and Jack still felt it to be true, yet he'd followed when Sawyer beckoned; as easy as that. Would Sayid have done the same thing? It seemed impossible to believe. Sayid was usually so self-controlled; so in charge of himself.
But no, not always, Jack had to remind himself. The jealous anger when he had caught Sawyer and Jack kissing at the function in LA had proven that. Maybe he was just as human as the rest of them. Maybe they both were, and perhaps both needed this reconnection now.
"I do," Sayid answered, and Jack wasn't sure which comment Sayid was answering until he peeled off his shirt, exposing his well-defined and hairy chest.
Barely hesitating, Sayid stripped away his trousers and moved over Jack, lying on his chest for a moment with eyes closed as Jack ran fingers through his silky hair. He loved Sayid's hair. It was one of the things he had liked from the start, even though Sawyer's blond locks were equally as compelling. Maybe it was just that he loved the contrast between his own hair and their longer, softer tresses. He huffed at the seemingly minor thought when there was so much seriousness in the back of his head.
But Sayid was obviously no more concerned with seriousness right now either, as he lifted his head and shifted upwards to kiss Jack. His semi-erect cock brushed against Jack's, causing delicious shivers to run right through Jack's body. The kiss deepened and he massaged at Sayid's head through his hair as his lover rocked gently into him.
"Need you so very much," Sayid whispered, kissing down Jack's jaw and latching onto his pulse point.
Jack could do nothing except tip his head back, moaning at the exquisite feeling the action produced. How strange that he could respond so easily and so quickly to both Sayid and Sawyer when he never had reacted so strongly to almost anyone else, not even the women in his life, no matter how much he'd thought he loved them.
Sayid's mouth moved again, his soft tongue chasing a stray droplet of water down Jack's neck and then he was sucking and biting at one of Jack's nipples. Crying out, Jack lifted away from the bed and managed to turn them so Sayid was underneath. Kneeling over him, Jack stared down into lust-filled dark eyes, and ran long fingers down Sayid's cheekbone before leaning in to kiss him once more. Their tongues wound gently around each other and Jack savoured the taste: spicy and earthy and so completely Sayid.
He had never taken Sayid, but suddenly the thought was in his head to do so. He wondered if Sayid would let him. It wasn't something they'd discussed; Jack had always given Sayid what he'd always given Sawyer too. He'd never thought of himself as submissive for doing so; it had simply seemed the most natural thing to do with them and yet… Sawyer had given himself to Sayid too. Jack knew this; Sayid had said as much. If Sawyer could switch, then why not Jack and Sayid?
"Have you ever…?" he asked softly and kissed Sayid again as he bumped his groin downwards suggestively.
"Do you want to?" Sayid queried, a burning light hovering in his eyes as he stroked smooth fingers around Jack's neck.
"Very much," Jack confirmed, "although…" He hesitated, his heart pounding in fear.
"Although what, Jack?" Sayid looked puzzled. "You don't think I would let you? I love you and if it's what you need…"
"You didn't answer my question," Jack told him, kissing him lightly and pulling back to look at the distance in Sayid's eyes.
"I have," Sayid said, "and no, not with Sawyer. I told you I always fucked him and that was true. He… he trusted me, though I knew exactly how things stood between you two."
Now Jack was confused, and he tried to pull away. Had he and Sawyer discussed Jack; how Jack was with both of them?
"No, no," Sayid held onto him and turned Jack's head to look back at him. "I watched you. He didn't tell me anything. He loved you; that much was clear, but he didn't talk about you. Please, Jack, if this is what you want… I very much want it too. I trust you as you and Sawyer have both trusted me. I know you will not hurt me."
The use of the word 'hurt' reminded Jack of Sawyer's words and he almost ignored the other thing Sayid was saying. But the tone of Sayid's voice drew him back.
"You have been through some confusing times. We all have. There is no shame in doing as you have done. You don't need to do this to prove you are a man, but if it is what you want--what you desire--then truly, I trust you enough to give it to you, though it is many years since I…"
Suddenly his voice seemed to stick and Jack was not at all sure this is what Sayid wanted. This time, he did move away, his erection diminishing.
"What happened, Sayid?" he asked, sitting up and wrapping his arms around his knees before glancing back at his lover. "It wasn't love that time, or trust, was it?"
"No," Sayid admitted, shifting into a seated position too and drawing the sheet over his nudity as if he was ashamed. "I was raped."
The words were soft and Jack almost thought he'd imagined them, but the bowing of Sayid's head told him otherwise. Sayid swallowed deeply and lifted his head.
"They thought that because I liked men, I would like that. I… was young, and although I knew I liked both men and women, I had not done anything with a man before. A woman; yes. A prostitute." He laughed bitterly as if regretting that too. "I was in the army at such a young age.
"Things I hadn't learned to hide well became obvious, and one day… some older men were teasing me for the way I had been looking at another young man in the barracks. I just assumed it was their way of being cruel; that there would be no more than words.
"I was wrong. Later, after it seemed it was over and they had forgotten, I was going to the latrines. On my way out… two of the men caught me. They didn't say much beyond how much they wanted to use my 'fine smooth ass', and then they proceeded to do so. I couldn't fight them."
Sayid gave Jack a look filled with a helplessness that Jack had seldom seen in his eyes until recently. "They were bigger and stronger, and there were two of them. Once they had finished… they left me there; laughing and joking at how much I'd taken and how my screams proved that I liked it. I vowed never to let another man do that to me again. And I never have."
Jack's lips fell open but he didn't know what to say. Sayid was offering him this now; after a vow of such conviction that he hadn't even allowed a man he had cared for touch him so. The incredible honour he was being given suddenly made Jack wish he was worth this trust. He wasn't and he didn't know how to make Sayid understand.
Lifting his eyes to meet Sayid's, he felt his tears spill over, his shame eating him from the inside.
"Why, Sayid? Why now, when all I've done is hurt both you and Sawyer?"
Sayid turned his body towards him and wiped at Jack's tears with his thumbs.
"Because I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, with one exception. And because I trust you more than I ever allowed myself to trust him. I was wrong before; I know this now, but with your help and understanding, perhaps I can make it right between all of us. I don't understand why, but I cannot stop thinking about Sawyer. I cannot help loving him and I cannot help loving you.
"What can we do about this? I don't know. All I know is that you seem to be as torn as I am, and perhaps that tells us something. I feel lost at times, but I think I need to trust you so that we can work it out; whatever it is. If we can… work together as we have shown we are capable of, instead of fighting this, perhaps we can make it right. I don't know what Sawyer feels about either of us, but we have to try to reach him.
"This is a place to start. You've trusted me and now I need to trust you."
Jack's heart was shattered and rebuilt all at once. Sayid's words made so much sense, and yet he felt as though he was falling completely out of his depth. He wasn't sure how much of what Sayid was suggesting was even possible, but he knew one thing.
Sayid was right; they had to try.
~//~//~//~
5. The Reason
VitaminDeals.info
Pairing: Sayid/Jack, mentions of Sawyer/Jack, Sawyer/Sayid
Rating: NC-17 for sex
Word Count: 4485 this part
Beta: My good friend gregoria44, who continues to help me with some very basic things.
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost, nor do I make any money from my wild imaginings.
Warnings: This chapter features mentions of rape and violence.
Summary: This is an AU set slightly before S4, and assuming the survivors were all rescued long before Capt. Gault and Keamy, et al, showed up.
Author's Notes: This sequel follows something I wrote for nomango some time ago, a three-part story called After the Ball wherein Sawyer and Sayid were a couple after leaving the island, but Jack came back into their lives and complicated things.
In this part: Jack and Sayid 'discuss' recent events, and Jack finds out some disturbing things.
Banner made with love by lozateazer. Thank you darling!
Previous Parts: 1. Substitute | 2. Crazy for You | 3. We Belong
You can take me to paradise,
And then again you can be cold as ice
I'm over my head,
But it sure feels nice
'Over My Head' Fleetwood Mac
Sayid looked up as Jack entered the hotel room, his puzzlement deepening as Jack gave him an almost guilty look for a second, before smiling nervously and walking towards him.
"Jack?" Sayid questioned, standing up to kiss his lover, "Where have you been? Your note wasn't clear. I was beginning to worry."
"I… I'm sorry, Sayid." Jack moved towards the fridge after the briefest peck on the lips. "How did you get on?"
"I followed him and he led me directly to his pimp and presumably dealer," Sayid confirmed, waiting for the shock to register on Jack's face.
Jack had opened the fridge and was reaching inside for something. He stopped at Sayid's words, but his hesitation was brief, and the look on his face wasn't quite the one Sayid had expected.
"Pimp?" Jack asked far too casually for him not to have known. He lifted the beer bottle he'd found and, popping the top, took a sip, his dark eyes looking anywhere but at Sayid's face.
"You knew, didn't you?" Sayid sat down and picked up his coffee cup. "How much did he tell you the other day? Or do you want to tell me about today?"
Taking a careful sip of the hot liquid, he watched Jack intently.
"I… today? What about today?" Jack frowned, wandering towards the window but still not meeting Sayid's eyes. "I talked to my friend in Sonoma, and he explained a lot of things I already knew. The facility he works in may be able to take Sawyer if we can get him there, but it's a voluntary place, so he'd have to want it."
"I didn't mean that and you know it."
"Then what are you talking about?" Jack turned, taking another swig from the bottle and finally fixing Sayid with a stare instantly recognisable as one he used when holding something back.
"Did you sleep with him?" Sayid asked, unable to help himself. He felt the ridge of pain behind his eyes that always preceded full anger. Swallowing carefully, he stared back at Jack for a moment while the man hesitated; an instant long enough to tell him the answer. Dropping his eyes, Sayid looked into his coffee cup and took another drink before speaking again in a lower voice. "How could you?"
"Sayid, I didn't go over there with the intention of sleeping with him!"
He put down the beer bottle and moved to perch on the couch next to Sayid, but Sayid couldn't look at him. If he did, he knew his anger would break free, and that was the last thing he needed. It would do neither of them any good. Nonetheless, he was annoyed and jealous and a myriad of other jumbled-together emotions he couldn't untangle. A slight smell of sex hung about Jack, and that wasn't helping.
"I've no doubt you meant to go over there for whatever noble reason you told yourself, but clearly, whatever happened, it wasn't noble and it wasn't…" Sayid tried to keep his voice even, but suddenly it failed him. He stopped speaking and focused on the contents of his coffee cup like they would save him somehow.
"Sayid…" Jack murmured, reaching out a hand to touch Sayid's wrist.
At the touch, Sayid drew away sharply, thumping his coffee cup down on the table in front of them so hard that the fluid inside rocked uncertainly, not quite making it over the edge of the cup.
"What on earth did you think you were doing, Jack?" Sayid grit out, letting the anger take him over, despite all his intentions to remain calm. He looked up, and Jack flinched as if he'd struck him, but Sayid didn't stop. "How could you possibly think that having sex with Sawyer would help him right now? Or did you let go of that perfect self-control of yours for selfish reasons yet again?"
Jack appeared to be trembling, but at Sayid's words, he growled back, "You think you'd have been any better faced with him like that? Sayid, he practically threw himself at me! I tried… I… fuck; can't you see how hard this is for me?"
Standing up again, Jack paced over to the window, running one hand across his short hair.
"Hard?" Sayid spat, standing up, but not moving, "How hard it is for you? Do you not think it's hard for me? Sawyer was my boyfriend before you came and tried to steal him away from me! Do you have any idea how difficult I have found it to keep away from him in the past few days? To let you-the man who started all this-go in there to him when we first found him, while I sat in the car, helpless and alone, imagining all sorts of things… do you really think that was easy for me? Every time-every single time-we've watched him or followed him, I've imagined being in his arms again, and you know what else? When you went out for something yesterday and left me here alone, I contemplated whether I had time to visit him before you came back. Foolish though it sounds, it went through my head!"
At the end of this, Sayid was shaking, but his anger was dissipating. He was just as bad as Jack in the end. They were supposed to be together now, and helping Sawyer, not fighting over him like a couple of tom-cats in heat. But he didn't feel able to say any of this.
"If that's how you feel, Sayid, why don't you just go to him? Forget me, and go to him. Hell, what am I to you anyway? He always mattered more, no matter what you said, didn't he? I never understood why you thought I should go in alone, in any case. Why me and not you? Did you… did you want this to happen from the start?"
"No, Jack, no…" Sayid whispered and collapsed back onto the couch, burying his face in his hands. "I can't stand it!" he muttered, unsure if he knew exactly what it was he couldn't stand.
"Please, Sayid…" Jack begged, moving close again and finding his place next to Sayid. Putting an arm around him, Jack pulled so that Sayid's damp face pressed into his neck. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I just… I'm sorry."
Not normally one who gave into his emotions easily, Sayid felt drained and raw, and despite the way they'd just ripped into each other and his jealousy over the whole situation-although he couldn't have clearly said who he was most jealous of right now: Sawyer or Jack-he gripped Jack tightly and tears began to flow.
"Ssshh," Jack soothed, stroking his hair and holding him close.
After some minutes of this, Sayid pulled himself together and drew away from Jack, finding a handkerchief and wiping at his eyes before blowing his nose. Slowly, he looked up to study his lover's face.
"If I could undo it, Sayid…" Jack began, and Sayid saw the pain in his expressive hazel eyes.
"I know," Sayid nodded, "It's just so very difficult, Jack. Sitting back and watching someone self-destruct has never been my strong suit. I loved him and I pushed him away. If I had not done that… and I know how very hard he is to resist. Why do you think I have kept away? Sleeping with him will solve nothing. But I… I thought you would be stronger than me; that you would be able to resist him."
Jack listened in silence, his face falling more as Sayid continued. Sayid found himself closing his eyes in pain at the sight.
"I wish…" Jack started, swallowing as if his own tears were too close to control, "I wish I hadn't done it. It wasn't right for any of us. He… Christ, Sayid, he didn't even finish. He said he didn't have the energy after what he'd been doing. And I felt so damned stupid afterwards, like it was all I went there for. It wasn't though; you have to believe that. I love you. I…" Jack stopped, as if he would say too much by continuing, and Sayid wondered how much he had learned about what Sawyer did.
"I love you too, Jack, but I love Sawyer as well. And I suppose I can't blame you for not resisting him, when I'd probably have done the same thing. Did he... tell you what he's been doing?"
Reaching out a hand, Jack fondled a tangled lock of Sayid's hair, seeming to gather his thoughts before speaking. "I love him and I wanted him, and I'm sorry," he managed almost all together, the words fighting to be said so quickly that Sayid almost didn't understand them. "He told me he'd been selling himself. What did you find out?"
"I'm sorry too," Sayid admitted, taking Jack's hand away from his hair and kissing it. "We need to stop beating each other up about this and work out what to do."
Suddenly remembering Noel's face, he looked into Jack's so very similar one. "His pimp is… very like you, physically, although a very different man inside, I can assure you. He thought I was a customer. I allowed him to think I was new in town and looking for 'fun'. He's agreed to set me up with someone tomorrow afternoon. Someone that I very much hope is Sawyer, because if it is not, I don't know what I shall do." He laughed lightly, but there was an edge to the sound.
"Like me?" Jack was clearly intrigued by the fact that this man who had such control over Sawyer's life was something like him, but didn't ask any of the questions that were written in his eyes. "How did you manage that? You're not sure it's Sawyer, though?"
"No, Noel didn't say. But I described the sort of man I was interested in, physically and… what I wanted from him; or would want were I a genuine customer, that is. Jack… did Sawyer seem…" he licked his lips, wondering how to explain exactly what Sawyer did for his clients, "Did he seem… hurt?"
"Hurt?" Jack's eyes filmed over for a second as if he was remembering something.
Sayid felt a sickly sweet fear rise inside him. "Did he? You saw him naked. Please, tell me?"
"He had… some kind of marks across his ass." Jack's face pinked slightly under his tan.
Perhaps not as bad as Sayid had feared, but what other things was he hiding? What about internal scars from the humiliation Sayid was convinced Sawyer had experienced?
"He did say…" Jack hesitated, eyes tracing across Sayid's face as if searching for something, "…that it was 'nothing he didn't deserve or ask for'. And…" He stopped, his face darkening under a blush as he looked away.
"And what, Jack?"
Jack looked up again, eyes shining in pain.
"He said… he told me…" Dropping his eyes once more, Jack's lips trembled and for a moment Sayid didn't think he was going to say more, but haltingly he finally got out, "He suggested that next time… I could… hurt him. Whip him. Afterwards, he acted… like I was… like I was paying him. There was no love. Even though… it's what I wanted."
Sayid realised he'd been holding Jack's hand still, and his grip was tightening. He let it go and stood up, moving to look out the window. The sky was completely clear, the blue of it so rich it almost hurt. He wondered how his heart could feel so broken on such a beautiful day. He said nothing.
"Sayid?" Jack stood up and moved behind him, his shadow resting across Sayid's shoulder.
"What do you want me to say?" Sayid whispered eventually, leaning against the sill so that his forehead met the glass. It was cool; so very cool, and it soothed his aching head.
"I don't know," Jack answered, lifting a hand and touching Sayid's hair. "I wasn't sure he meant it and the marks didn't seem that bad. But… you think he does things? Allows men to… hurt him? Really hurt him?"
"I'm sure of it," Sayid said, closing his eyes and picturing Sawyer on his knees while Noel did all manner of disgusting things to him.
Jack moved closer, his body a mere breath away and his hand still stroking gently through Sayid's hair.
"We have to get him out of here." Sayid lifted his head as Jack's hand fell away, and looked at his lover. "I have this appointment now and I must keep it; find out what hold this man has over Sawyer. I'm sure it's more than just drugs."
Turning fully to face Jack, it was as if his own words had helped steady Sayid's heart; put him back on track towards doing what they had come here to do. None of the rest of it mattered for now. Saving Sawyer was the important thing.
"I agree." Jack nodded, studying Sayid once more. "What else can we do today?"
"I can find out about this man-this Noel-and what he does. My connections should have some information." Sayid gave Jack one last concerned look, and then he stepped around him to reach for the phone. "If I make a few calls now, I can go in there prepared tomorrow. If it is just about money, then maybe we can buy Sawyer's freedom if we need to."
"I'm not sure he's going to let us do that so easily, Sayid," Jack said, following Sayid.
"Perhaps not, but we can try, can we not?"
~//~//~
Jack stood under the spray of the shower and shut his eyes. He let the water flow over and around him, cooling his heated flesh. How could he have done something so foolish? But Sawyer had seemed…
Need you, want you, Sawyer had told him. Was that true, or had that just been something to keep Jack off-balance; a lie he told to the other men who used him as well? There was no way to tell.
Jack had to believe that Sawyer wanted his help; their help. How could anyone want to stay in the pits of hell that Sawyer seemed to inhabit? No matter what he thought he deserved, surely he couldn't want his life to be like that?
And Sayid… after the things they'd said to each other when they started the search for Sawyer-not to mention what they'd said once they found him-how could Jack have forgotten what Sayid meant to him now? Because he had forgotten, evidently, or he wouldn't have gone so easily to Sawyer's bed.
Sayid seemed to forgive him, but Jack wasn't sure he could forgive himself. Nor did he think that either of them would forget it so easily.
No matter what did or didn't happen between him and Sayid-or Sawyer for that matter-Jack knew they had to get Sawyer away from the life he'd fallen into. He was convinced that Sawyer would die if they didn't do something, and he was fairly sure that part of Sayid's despair was based on the same thought.
Finally, Jack turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. He could hear Sayid's soft tones through the open door of the bathroom; still on the phone. Pausing in his drying for a second, Jack tried to make out what his lover was saying, but he soon realised Sayid was speaking in Arabic and he didn't have a hope in hell of understanding.
Sayid had already made several calls, most in Arabic, although a few were in English and one, to Jack's surprise, in French. Jack struggled to remember any of the schoolboy French he had learned, but Sayid's smooth accent was so flawless and fast, he couldn't follow it. Eventually, Jack had given up trying to follow what Sayid was discovering-the man hadn't spoken much more than a few words to him between calls, and most of that made little sense-and headed for the shower. He hadn't washed after his… episode… with Sawyer and probably still stank, though Sayid hadn't commented on it.
He felt much cleaner as he finished drying off and wrapped the towel around his waist. Sniffing lightly, he wandered into the bedroom and settled onto the bed. He felt so damned tired. Whether it was the heat or the stress of the whole situation he wasn't sure, but perhaps if he just closed his eyes for a few minutes…
~//~//~
A soft hand stroked low over his belly and Jack slowly blinked awake as he felt his desire radiating outward from the touch.
"You looked so beautiful there." Sayid shifted on the bed to smile down into Jack's eyes.
Jack smiled back, swallowing nervously. His towel had fallen open and his cock was half-hard against his thigh as Sayid's hand continued its gentle movement across his abdomen. Why would Sayid even want to touch him after what he'd done this afternoon?
Sayid had changed into soft muslin pants and shirt with red and gold embroidery around the edges. The pale material made his skin glow with health and warmth. So very different from Sawyer's sickly and washed out appearance.
Sayid's smile hadn't faltered, and he shifted his hand to stroke over Jack's sensitive nipples one at a time. Unable to help himself, Jack let out a slight gasp.
"There's nothing else I can do tonight," Sayid whispered, "but I'm ready for tomorrow. Let me?" he asked, lifting his hand away.
"You don't need permission," Jack told him, "but do you want to?"
His heart thumped harshly against his ribs. What if Sayid rejected him now? Perhaps he actually wanted Sayid to do so? He'd told the man he loved him and Jack still felt it to be true, yet he'd followed when Sawyer beckoned; as easy as that. Would Sayid have done the same thing? It seemed impossible to believe. Sayid was usually so self-controlled; so in charge of himself.
But no, not always, Jack had to remind himself. The jealous anger when he had caught Sawyer and Jack kissing at the function in LA had proven that. Maybe he was just as human as the rest of them. Maybe they both were, and perhaps both needed this reconnection now.
"I do," Sayid answered, and Jack wasn't sure which comment Sayid was answering until he peeled off his shirt, exposing his well-defined and hairy chest.
Barely hesitating, Sayid stripped away his trousers and moved over Jack, lying on his chest for a moment with eyes closed as Jack ran fingers through his silky hair. He loved Sayid's hair. It was one of the things he had liked from the start, even though Sawyer's blond locks were equally as compelling. Maybe it was just that he loved the contrast between his own hair and their longer, softer tresses. He huffed at the seemingly minor thought when there was so much seriousness in the back of his head.
But Sayid was obviously no more concerned with seriousness right now either, as he lifted his head and shifted upwards to kiss Jack. His semi-erect cock brushed against Jack's, causing delicious shivers to run right through Jack's body. The kiss deepened and he massaged at Sayid's head through his hair as his lover rocked gently into him.
"Need you so very much," Sayid whispered, kissing down Jack's jaw and latching onto his pulse point.
Jack could do nothing except tip his head back, moaning at the exquisite feeling the action produced. How strange that he could respond so easily and so quickly to both Sayid and Sawyer when he never had reacted so strongly to almost anyone else, not even the women in his life, no matter how much he'd thought he loved them.
Sayid's mouth moved again, his soft tongue chasing a stray droplet of water down Jack's neck and then he was sucking and biting at one of Jack's nipples. Crying out, Jack lifted away from the bed and managed to turn them so Sayid was underneath. Kneeling over him, Jack stared down into lust-filled dark eyes, and ran long fingers down Sayid's cheekbone before leaning in to kiss him once more. Their tongues wound gently around each other and Jack savoured the taste: spicy and earthy and so completely Sayid.
He had never taken Sayid, but suddenly the thought was in his head to do so. He wondered if Sayid would let him. It wasn't something they'd discussed; Jack had always given Sayid what he'd always given Sawyer too. He'd never thought of himself as submissive for doing so; it had simply seemed the most natural thing to do with them and yet… Sawyer had given himself to Sayid too. Jack knew this; Sayid had said as much. If Sawyer could switch, then why not Jack and Sayid?
"Have you ever…?" he asked softly and kissed Sayid again as he bumped his groin downwards suggestively.
"Do you want to?" Sayid queried, a burning light hovering in his eyes as he stroked smooth fingers around Jack's neck.
"Very much," Jack confirmed, "although…" He hesitated, his heart pounding in fear.
"Although what, Jack?" Sayid looked puzzled. "You don't think I would let you? I love you and if it's what you need…"
"You didn't answer my question," Jack told him, kissing him lightly and pulling back to look at the distance in Sayid's eyes.
"I have," Sayid said, "and no, not with Sawyer. I told you I always fucked him and that was true. He… he trusted me, though I knew exactly how things stood between you two."
Now Jack was confused, and he tried to pull away. Had he and Sawyer discussed Jack; how Jack was with both of them?
"No, no," Sayid held onto him and turned Jack's head to look back at him. "I watched you. He didn't tell me anything. He loved you; that much was clear, but he didn't talk about you. Please, Jack, if this is what you want… I very much want it too. I trust you as you and Sawyer have both trusted me. I know you will not hurt me."
The use of the word 'hurt' reminded Jack of Sawyer's words and he almost ignored the other thing Sayid was saying. But the tone of Sayid's voice drew him back.
"You have been through some confusing times. We all have. There is no shame in doing as you have done. You don't need to do this to prove you are a man, but if it is what you want--what you desire--then truly, I trust you enough to give it to you, though it is many years since I…"
Suddenly his voice seemed to stick and Jack was not at all sure this is what Sayid wanted. This time, he did move away, his erection diminishing.
"What happened, Sayid?" he asked, sitting up and wrapping his arms around his knees before glancing back at his lover. "It wasn't love that time, or trust, was it?"
"No," Sayid admitted, shifting into a seated position too and drawing the sheet over his nudity as if he was ashamed. "I was raped."
The words were soft and Jack almost thought he'd imagined them, but the bowing of Sayid's head told him otherwise. Sayid swallowed deeply and lifted his head.
"They thought that because I liked men, I would like that. I… was young, and although I knew I liked both men and women, I had not done anything with a man before. A woman; yes. A prostitute." He laughed bitterly as if regretting that too. "I was in the army at such a young age.
"Things I hadn't learned to hide well became obvious, and one day… some older men were teasing me for the way I had been looking at another young man in the barracks. I just assumed it was their way of being cruel; that there would be no more than words.
"I was wrong. Later, after it seemed it was over and they had forgotten, I was going to the latrines. On my way out… two of the men caught me. They didn't say much beyond how much they wanted to use my 'fine smooth ass', and then they proceeded to do so. I couldn't fight them."
Sayid gave Jack a look filled with a helplessness that Jack had seldom seen in his eyes until recently. "They were bigger and stronger, and there were two of them. Once they had finished… they left me there; laughing and joking at how much I'd taken and how my screams proved that I liked it. I vowed never to let another man do that to me again. And I never have."
Jack's lips fell open but he didn't know what to say. Sayid was offering him this now; after a vow of such conviction that he hadn't even allowed a man he had cared for touch him so. The incredible honour he was being given suddenly made Jack wish he was worth this trust. He wasn't and he didn't know how to make Sayid understand.
Lifting his eyes to meet Sayid's, he felt his tears spill over, his shame eating him from the inside.
"Why, Sayid? Why now, when all I've done is hurt both you and Sawyer?"
Sayid turned his body towards him and wiped at Jack's tears with his thumbs.
"Because I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, with one exception. And because I trust you more than I ever allowed myself to trust him. I was wrong before; I know this now, but with your help and understanding, perhaps I can make it right between all of us. I don't understand why, but I cannot stop thinking about Sawyer. I cannot help loving him and I cannot help loving you.
"What can we do about this? I don't know. All I know is that you seem to be as torn as I am, and perhaps that tells us something. I feel lost at times, but I think I need to trust you so that we can work it out; whatever it is. If we can… work together as we have shown we are capable of, instead of fighting this, perhaps we can make it right. I don't know what Sawyer feels about either of us, but we have to try to reach him.
"This is a place to start. You've trusted me and now I need to trust you."
Jack's heart was shattered and rebuilt all at once. Sayid's words made so much sense, and yet he felt as though he was falling completely out of his depth. He wasn't sure how much of what Sayid was suggesting was even possible, but he knew one thing.
Sayid was right; they had to try.
~//~//~//~
5. The Reason
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