Maintaining the Distance, Part 5/9
Title: Maintaining the Distance 5/9
Characters: Steve McGarrett/Adam Noshimuri, Kono Kalakaua/Adam Noshimuri; also featuring Danny Williams and Chin Ho Kelly.
Rating: M
Beta: The always generous siluria, who probably doesn't know how much she helps me! Thanks, babe!
Word Count:This part: 1,808 words of 16,162 for the total fic.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, haven't a hope in hell of any of this story being canon.
Warnings: Angst by the bucketload, an emotionally challenged Steve, and a little unable-to-resist-each-other cheating in one chapter, so if that kind of thing isn't to your taste, you may not want to read any further. Also be aware that there is no real Happy Ever After here, although my muses tell me a third instalment should be written. It has been started but is not progressing very quickly.
Summary: Adam is back in town, and Steve finds out that Kono and Adam are now together. He's not sure how he feels about that considering what Adam and Steve were to each other last time Adam was in town.
Author's Notes: This is the very late sequel to Blinking Against the Distance, about a short-lived relationship between Steve and Adam that happened around the time Adam's father was missing, presumed dead.
In this chapter: Steve admits the truth to Danny, and Danny points him at reality.
Can also be found here on AO3
Previous Parts: One | Two | Three | Four
Danny's eyes said it all.
Steve felt guilty as soon as he stepped into the office and met the blue of them with his own. He glanced across the room but Chin and Kono were nowhere to be seen - thank goodness.
"So, tell me, did you mean what you said?"
"I'm sorry?" Steve frowned, unsure exactly what Danny was referring to, despite their recent telephone conversation.
"Don't play innocent. And you can relax; Kono and Chin aren't here. HPD needed some help with a vice case and we weren't busy, so they went to the North Shore to meet Duke.
"It was him at your house last night, wasn't it?"
"Who? Duke?" Steve's heart was thudding, although he wasn't being deliberately obtuse; the non-sequitur had thrown him.
"No, not Duke, Adam!"
Steve licked his lips, looking away from Danny. "I need coffee. Is there any fresh?" He headed for the break room, not waiting for an answer. He could hear Danny sigh behind him, and there was a pause before he followed, but Steve knew there was no way to put him off the scent now.
Pouring himself a cup of what smelled like freshly made coffee, Steve found a second mug when Danny came through the door a few minutes later and silently poured it before taking both drinks to the table and sitting down. He pushed one of the mugs across the table and indicated with a nod that Danny should sit. He sipped from his own mug and eyed Danny carefully as the man sat opposite him and gingerly picked up the coffee that Steve had left there.
"I don't hear you denying it," Danny said, his eyes on the liquid inside the mug.
"There's no point," Steve said matter-of-factly. "I should have known you'd figure it out."
Danny lifted his head and stared into Steve's eyes. "Have you thought about Kono in any of this?"
"Jesus, Danny! You think I wanted this to happen? I've done nothing but think about Kono getting mixed up in this… this… whole thing since last night when Adam showed up - unannounced and uninvited, I might add - on my doorstep."
"Well, that's patently a lie."
"You think I'm lying?"
"If you'd have thought about her, there's no way you would have slept with the guy. And don't deny that you did, I saw the tie. You didn't even make it to the bedroom, did you? How could you do that to her?"
Steve pushed his chair back hard and stood up, running a hand through his hair as he paced around the room. "You have no idea what happened last night. For your information, I did my best to make him leave before it came to that. I…" He paused, having difficulty finding the words to explain. "I don't want her to get hurt. I tried to tell Adam that I didn't think he was good for her…"
"So, what, you proved that by having sex with him? How does that make you any better a friend to her than he is a boyfriend?"
Steve was angry. Danny not giving him a chance to explain was harsh. "You have no right to judge me. You don't know what it was like… seeing him again… seeing him with Kono. But I kept away, I let him… be with her. He came to see me. I told him he should leave, and he agreed."
"But?"
Steve looked at Danny, his anger dropping away as he thought about the situation he'd ended up in. "He told me he still loved me."
Danny snorted in disbelief, standing up from his chair and taking his coffee to the sink.
"What?"
"The oldest trick in the book, and you bought it. I told you he couldn't be trusted!"
"You're wrong, Danny." Steve shook his head. "He told me he would talk to her, that he was going to leave her."
Danny turned around slowly, facing Steve, one eyebrow raised. "He said he'd leave her… for you?"
Steve's mouth opened, but no words came out. Danny was right, it was an old line that plenty of married men had fed to their mistresses, and everyone knew how those situations usually ended up… after the mistress had slept with the married man one too many times. Not that Steve was a mistress or that Adam was married to Kono.
"It's not like that," he managed, his voice weak. "He hasn't had a chance to tell her."
"And that's where you went - to hear why he hasn't had 'the conversation' with her yet." Danny used his fingers to put speech marks around the words. "I bet he had a really good excuse, too."
This time, Steve couldn't find any words, not even after a few seconds of Danny just looking at him in pity and a little of what Steve was sure was disgust.
Danny's eyes softened after a moment, though. "You have lousy taste in men, babe."
"Not completely." Steve offered a wan smile.
"How so?" Danny asked as he emptied his coffee mug and gestured for Steve to pass him his one. "This calls for something stronger than coffee, I think. What say we go get a beer?"
Steve gulped a mouthful from the cup and handed it over. "Yes to the beer." Steve thought but couldn't say: Chin wasn't a bad choice. "I chose you for a friend."
"That you did, my friend," Danny agreed with a sympathetic smile as they left. "That you did."
~//~
Beer duly drunk and the commiserating over Adam's general jerkiness - albeit somewhat half-heartedly by Steve, it was too hard to shut off such freshly reawakened emotions - done, the conversation turned to Kono.
"You have to tell her," Danny said, shaking his head as he gestured to the barman to bring another round.
"What?" Steve asked, panic building. The last thing he wanted to do was have her believing he was the cause of Adam's faithlessness, even though it was probably true. "How am I going to do that without hurting her?"
Danny looked at him with concern in his blue eyes. "She's going to be hurt one way or another, Steve. You know that. It's better if she finds out that he can't be trusted now, than further down the line when she's married to him and pregnant with his kid or something."
Steve blinked hard at the image that Danny's words brought to life in his mind's eye. They'd probably have gorgeous babies too, something Steve wasn't about to focus on too hard. His own lack of ability in that area just brought home how likely it was that Adam would eventually choose a woman over him, even if he did mean what he'd said about breaking up with Kono to be with Steve right now. But, given Danny's scepticism over that, their breaking up did seem highly unlikely.
The beer dulled the ache in Steve's heart a little, but a part of him still wanted to believe that Danny was wrong about Adam. Thoughts of Kono and Adam married and with a family of their own were a little too much right now.
Standing up from the bar stool where he'd been propped, Steve shook his head at the barman who had just appeared with the second round of beers and frowned at Danny. "I can't do it, it's too hard."
Danny bit at his lip, appearing to think on that. "Do you want me to do it?"
"You shouldn't have to," Steve said, "but I can't." He moved away, barely aware that he was leaving the bar until he found himself outside on the sidewalk. It was still hot and sunny out, and Steve took a shaky breath as he gazed blindly around, trying to think what to do - where to go - next.
He wiped a hand over his chin and set off, uncaring of the direction, other than that it was away from the general area where most of the crowd were.
"Steve!"
Glancing back over his shoulder, Steve saw Danny at the bar's entrance, but he had nothing more to say to him right now, Danny couldn't - or wouldn't - understand how he was feeling. It was as if Danny expected that since he'd burst the bubble on Adam's intentions, Steve would suddenly be able to stop caring for him. He couldn't help wondering if that was just because he and Adam were both men, or if Danny would be the same with any two people in their situation. He felt that he should know Danny well enough to answer that, but it was too hard right now.
He shook his head at Danny and turned away, continuing to walk off. Rounding the nearest corner, he cast a surreptitious look back once more, but Danny hadn't followed him, he appeared to be standing in the same place, frowning in Steve's direction as he disappeared.
Thank Christ for that, was all Steve could think.
~//~
Three blocks later and Steve realised he had no way to get home without Danny. He stopped where he was and gazed around himself, lost for a moment. Realising what street he was on, he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He looked at it for a moment, knowing his first instinct to dial Adam's number was probably the wrong thing to do right at this moment. Being with Adam made him unable to think clearly, and he'd probably just make the same mistake of believing him… if he didn't just fall straight into bed with him.
There was really only one other person who would understand. And he'd offered to listen, something that Danny - while meaning well in his own way - had never quite done; something to do with Adam not being a woman, Steve was sure. At least Chin had experience in the area and Steve could speak freely, without fear of disgusting him, as he couldn't help thinking he might do should he need to go into any further detail about it with Danny.
Dialling Chin's number, Steve took a deep breath, and prepared to drag his ex-lover into the mess that he didn't deserve to be involved with any more than Kono did, or Danny, for that matter.
"Yo, brah. You okay?" Chin's voice sounded cautious, like he wanted Steve to be good with Kono and Adam's relationship, but didn't know he could trust that. Considering their last conversation on the subject, it wasn't altogether surprising.
"Not really. I just… I left Danny at a bar and realized we were in his car." He paused, unsure how much to say over the phone. "Are you busy right now? Can you pick me up from Halawea Boulevard, by the Starbucks there?"
"I’ll be right there, give me ten minutes."
"Thanks." Steve drew a relieved breath as he hung up.
~//~
Part Six
Characters: Steve McGarrett/Adam Noshimuri, Kono Kalakaua/Adam Noshimuri; also featuring Danny Williams and Chin Ho Kelly.
Rating: M
Beta: The always generous siluria, who probably doesn't know how much she helps me! Thanks, babe!
Word Count:This part: 1,808 words of 16,162 for the total fic.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, haven't a hope in hell of any of this story being canon.
Warnings: Angst by the bucketload, an emotionally challenged Steve, and a little unable-to-resist-each-other cheating in one chapter, so if that kind of thing isn't to your taste, you may not want to read any further. Also be aware that there is no real Happy Ever After here, although my muses tell me a third instalment should be written. It has been started but is not progressing very quickly.
Summary: Adam is back in town, and Steve finds out that Kono and Adam are now together. He's not sure how he feels about that considering what Adam and Steve were to each other last time Adam was in town.
Author's Notes: This is the very late sequel to Blinking Against the Distance, about a short-lived relationship between Steve and Adam that happened around the time Adam's father was missing, presumed dead.
In this chapter: Steve admits the truth to Danny, and Danny points him at reality.
Can also be found here on AO3
Previous Parts: One | Two | Three | Four
Danny's eyes said it all.
Steve felt guilty as soon as he stepped into the office and met the blue of them with his own. He glanced across the room but Chin and Kono were nowhere to be seen - thank goodness.
"So, tell me, did you mean what you said?"
"I'm sorry?" Steve frowned, unsure exactly what Danny was referring to, despite their recent telephone conversation.
"Don't play innocent. And you can relax; Kono and Chin aren't here. HPD needed some help with a vice case and we weren't busy, so they went to the North Shore to meet Duke.
"It was him at your house last night, wasn't it?"
"Who? Duke?" Steve's heart was thudding, although he wasn't being deliberately obtuse; the non-sequitur had thrown him.
"No, not Duke, Adam!"
Steve licked his lips, looking away from Danny. "I need coffee. Is there any fresh?" He headed for the break room, not waiting for an answer. He could hear Danny sigh behind him, and there was a pause before he followed, but Steve knew there was no way to put him off the scent now.
Pouring himself a cup of what smelled like freshly made coffee, Steve found a second mug when Danny came through the door a few minutes later and silently poured it before taking both drinks to the table and sitting down. He pushed one of the mugs across the table and indicated with a nod that Danny should sit. He sipped from his own mug and eyed Danny carefully as the man sat opposite him and gingerly picked up the coffee that Steve had left there.
"I don't hear you denying it," Danny said, his eyes on the liquid inside the mug.
"There's no point," Steve said matter-of-factly. "I should have known you'd figure it out."
Danny lifted his head and stared into Steve's eyes. "Have you thought about Kono in any of this?"
"Jesus, Danny! You think I wanted this to happen? I've done nothing but think about Kono getting mixed up in this… this… whole thing since last night when Adam showed up - unannounced and uninvited, I might add - on my doorstep."
"Well, that's patently a lie."
"You think I'm lying?"
"If you'd have thought about her, there's no way you would have slept with the guy. And don't deny that you did, I saw the tie. You didn't even make it to the bedroom, did you? How could you do that to her?"
Steve pushed his chair back hard and stood up, running a hand through his hair as he paced around the room. "You have no idea what happened last night. For your information, I did my best to make him leave before it came to that. I…" He paused, having difficulty finding the words to explain. "I don't want her to get hurt. I tried to tell Adam that I didn't think he was good for her…"
"So, what, you proved that by having sex with him? How does that make you any better a friend to her than he is a boyfriend?"
Steve was angry. Danny not giving him a chance to explain was harsh. "You have no right to judge me. You don't know what it was like… seeing him again… seeing him with Kono. But I kept away, I let him… be with her. He came to see me. I told him he should leave, and he agreed."
"But?"
Steve looked at Danny, his anger dropping away as he thought about the situation he'd ended up in. "He told me he still loved me."
Danny snorted in disbelief, standing up from his chair and taking his coffee to the sink.
"What?"
"The oldest trick in the book, and you bought it. I told you he couldn't be trusted!"
"You're wrong, Danny." Steve shook his head. "He told me he would talk to her, that he was going to leave her."
Danny turned around slowly, facing Steve, one eyebrow raised. "He said he'd leave her… for you?"
Steve's mouth opened, but no words came out. Danny was right, it was an old line that plenty of married men had fed to their mistresses, and everyone knew how those situations usually ended up… after the mistress had slept with the married man one too many times. Not that Steve was a mistress or that Adam was married to Kono.
"It's not like that," he managed, his voice weak. "He hasn't had a chance to tell her."
"And that's where you went - to hear why he hasn't had 'the conversation' with her yet." Danny used his fingers to put speech marks around the words. "I bet he had a really good excuse, too."
This time, Steve couldn't find any words, not even after a few seconds of Danny just looking at him in pity and a little of what Steve was sure was disgust.
Danny's eyes softened after a moment, though. "You have lousy taste in men, babe."
"Not completely." Steve offered a wan smile.
"How so?" Danny asked as he emptied his coffee mug and gestured for Steve to pass him his one. "This calls for something stronger than coffee, I think. What say we go get a beer?"
Steve gulped a mouthful from the cup and handed it over. "Yes to the beer." Steve thought but couldn't say: Chin wasn't a bad choice. "I chose you for a friend."
"That you did, my friend," Danny agreed with a sympathetic smile as they left. "That you did."
~//~
Beer duly drunk and the commiserating over Adam's general jerkiness - albeit somewhat half-heartedly by Steve, it was too hard to shut off such freshly reawakened emotions - done, the conversation turned to Kono.
"You have to tell her," Danny said, shaking his head as he gestured to the barman to bring another round.
"What?" Steve asked, panic building. The last thing he wanted to do was have her believing he was the cause of Adam's faithlessness, even though it was probably true. "How am I going to do that without hurting her?"
Danny looked at him with concern in his blue eyes. "She's going to be hurt one way or another, Steve. You know that. It's better if she finds out that he can't be trusted now, than further down the line when she's married to him and pregnant with his kid or something."
Steve blinked hard at the image that Danny's words brought to life in his mind's eye. They'd probably have gorgeous babies too, something Steve wasn't about to focus on too hard. His own lack of ability in that area just brought home how likely it was that Adam would eventually choose a woman over him, even if he did mean what he'd said about breaking up with Kono to be with Steve right now. But, given Danny's scepticism over that, their breaking up did seem highly unlikely.
The beer dulled the ache in Steve's heart a little, but a part of him still wanted to believe that Danny was wrong about Adam. Thoughts of Kono and Adam married and with a family of their own were a little too much right now.
Standing up from the bar stool where he'd been propped, Steve shook his head at the barman who had just appeared with the second round of beers and frowned at Danny. "I can't do it, it's too hard."
Danny bit at his lip, appearing to think on that. "Do you want me to do it?"
"You shouldn't have to," Steve said, "but I can't." He moved away, barely aware that he was leaving the bar until he found himself outside on the sidewalk. It was still hot and sunny out, and Steve took a shaky breath as he gazed blindly around, trying to think what to do - where to go - next.
He wiped a hand over his chin and set off, uncaring of the direction, other than that it was away from the general area where most of the crowd were.
"Steve!"
Glancing back over his shoulder, Steve saw Danny at the bar's entrance, but he had nothing more to say to him right now, Danny couldn't - or wouldn't - understand how he was feeling. It was as if Danny expected that since he'd burst the bubble on Adam's intentions, Steve would suddenly be able to stop caring for him. He couldn't help wondering if that was just because he and Adam were both men, or if Danny would be the same with any two people in their situation. He felt that he should know Danny well enough to answer that, but it was too hard right now.
He shook his head at Danny and turned away, continuing to walk off. Rounding the nearest corner, he cast a surreptitious look back once more, but Danny hadn't followed him, he appeared to be standing in the same place, frowning in Steve's direction as he disappeared.
Thank Christ for that, was all Steve could think.
~//~
Three blocks later and Steve realised he had no way to get home without Danny. He stopped where he was and gazed around himself, lost for a moment. Realising what street he was on, he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He looked at it for a moment, knowing his first instinct to dial Adam's number was probably the wrong thing to do right at this moment. Being with Adam made him unable to think clearly, and he'd probably just make the same mistake of believing him… if he didn't just fall straight into bed with him.
There was really only one other person who would understand. And he'd offered to listen, something that Danny - while meaning well in his own way - had never quite done; something to do with Adam not being a woman, Steve was sure. At least Chin had experience in the area and Steve could speak freely, without fear of disgusting him, as he couldn't help thinking he might do should he need to go into any further detail about it with Danny.
Dialling Chin's number, Steve took a deep breath, and prepared to drag his ex-lover into the mess that he didn't deserve to be involved with any more than Kono did, or Danny, for that matter.
"Yo, brah. You okay?" Chin's voice sounded cautious, like he wanted Steve to be good with Kono and Adam's relationship, but didn't know he could trust that. Considering their last conversation on the subject, it wasn't altogether surprising.
"Not really. I just… I left Danny at a bar and realized we were in his car." He paused, unsure how much to say over the phone. "Are you busy right now? Can you pick me up from Halawea Boulevard, by the Starbucks there?"
"I’ll be right there, give me ten minutes."
"Thanks." Steve drew a relieved breath as he hung up.
~//~
Part Six