Grieving while joyful
Its a funny feeling, thinking you were done with having kids because you were already out numbered and alone, then meet someone who completely rocks your world upsidedown and all of a sudden, that thought of having more kids comes to the front of your mind.
Now take that, mix it up with all the joyful bliss of finding someone who's never felt this right, then throw in that they're done having kids. Its complex. Confusing. You know that having more kids is just plain crazy talk. 5 kids already between the two of you... but goddamn ovaries are begging to have just one more.
So, I'm here, trying to let go. Let go of those lingering wishes and dreams. Let go of...
I know that making more babies doesn't make sense. I'm 40, for goodness sake. I don't want to be 60 when they graduate high-school. 65 if/when they graduate college. I want the limited time I've got left on this earth spending it with those I love and having another kid would greatly diminish the things we could do. It's already going to have challenges as they are -- why complicate things further?
I can throw a metric shit-ton of logic on it, but it won't change the sadness I feel in this moment. Its a bit like the moment I decided to use a donor to conceive the twins. It was a commitment to a future that's different than I had imagined my whole life. Its hard. Its hard to give up 30+ years of wishes and dreams out of shear habit. It's not that I'm not gratful for all that I have and will have in my future. It's just a process. It'll get past it and move on. But for right now, I'm sad.
On a different but related note -- I had put off any type of surgery for my adenomyosis because of the hope of having more kids in my future, but I guess now I can look at fixing things. I read last night about a surgery of just removing the affected area but keeping my uterus. Seems less drastic than a full on hysterectomy... although, not having periods at all sounds amazing. I need to do more research on all the differences and probably talk to a specialist.
Now take that, mix it up with all the joyful bliss of finding someone who's never felt this right, then throw in that they're done having kids. Its complex. Confusing. You know that having more kids is just plain crazy talk. 5 kids already between the two of you... but goddamn ovaries are begging to have just one more.
So, I'm here, trying to let go. Let go of those lingering wishes and dreams. Let go of...
- finally finding someone you really want to make babies with
- feeling a baby grow inside my belly again
- feeling a baby kick inside my belly again
- finally knowing what labor is like
- having the chance to have the birth plan I've dreamed of
- sharing the journey of a pregnancy with someone
- feeling what its like to have only one baby in my belly
- seeing how the kids would be with a baby sibling
- holding a baby in the middle of the night
- breastfeeding a baby back to sleep
- picking out a name or two and sharing the process with someone
- sharing the whole process of a baby growing and learning
- being able to baby wear like I had wanted
I know that making more babies doesn't make sense. I'm 40, for goodness sake. I don't want to be 60 when they graduate high-school. 65 if/when they graduate college. I want the limited time I've got left on this earth spending it with those I love and having another kid would greatly diminish the things we could do. It's already going to have challenges as they are -- why complicate things further?
I can throw a metric shit-ton of logic on it, but it won't change the sadness I feel in this moment. Its a bit like the moment I decided to use a donor to conceive the twins. It was a commitment to a future that's different than I had imagined my whole life. Its hard. Its hard to give up 30+ years of wishes and dreams out of shear habit. It's not that I'm not gratful for all that I have and will have in my future. It's just a process. It'll get past it and move on. But for right now, I'm sad.
On a different but related note -- I had put off any type of surgery for my adenomyosis because of the hope of having more kids in my future, but I guess now I can look at fixing things. I read last night about a surgery of just removing the affected area but keeping my uterus. Seems less drastic than a full on hysterectomy... although, not having periods at all sounds amazing. I need to do more research on all the differences and probably talk to a specialist.