I got lost a time or two...

[hakunaxmatata]

What do you do when you make the best friend you'll ever have. And every minute that your with him is more fun than ever. And eventually he is a friend with a cuddle benefit but absolutely nothing more cause he's safe. Cause you can flirt all you want and not have to worry. And then maybe his girlfriend is no longer in the picture and maybe you admit that a little more than friends might be ok. and then something happens to give you the idea that maybe he feels the same way about you and your both finally willing to admit it. and then you go all the way to new jersey together and nothing ever comes of it so you convince yourself that it's just better to be friends. and all the feelings that he had helped you forget about another someone come flooding back when that other someone tells you the feeling is still mutual and you feel stronger about that other person than ever... and you hope that your friend will be happy for you. but instead he stops talking to you. and somedays you have a friend. and somedays you don't. and it tears you apart. because not only have you lost the most amazing person ever to personal issues and a pretty close friend to clepto like behaviors... you have now lost everything that was amazing from september to december. but again you spend time convincing yourself that its just the way life works. and he decides to declare his feelings for you. he tells you how he felt the whole time... and how he has trouble dealing with emotions and you know how much it took for him to be able to share this with you-- but it's too little too late. You are forced to tell him things have changed. you are forced to tell him that you are waiting for something everyone else doubts will ever happen. and he seems okay with that. like you, he just wants his friend back. but from that moment on it's impossible. you can't act the same way around him... you don't want to lead him on but you don't want him tp be left out in the cold... those cuddle sessions seem to hold more meaning nowadays. and in the midst of clearing this all up without actually talking because neither of you are brave enough, you get a gut feeling... and not even 5 days later your best friend IM's you proving you right. She likes him. She has for weeks. The same girl who hated this boy while you though he was awesome is now falling for him. and you are stuck. because you still have feelings... but you have kept them hidden... and you know you could never act on them because you can't make any promises but the selfish you still wants him the way it used to be. and that can't happen. she likes him. but he likes you. and you have a headache.

sorry. you shouldn't hav to sit through that.
night.