Thoughts on being human and a fangirl & real life update (kind of)
Hi there~
Does anyone even remember about me...?
Aaaand once again it's been quite a long time since my last update ^_^;)>
Well what can I say, a lot have happened and I don't only mean since my last post. Actually, over the past two years, my life has basically been a rollercoaster of emotions from overwhelming happiness to sadness I thought I would never recover from. I'm still not ready to talk about the one particular event that led to me feeling really down for two long years, not even to persons who are close to me, but a few things that happened recently around me have motivated me to write some of my thoughts down today.
So after countless sleepless nights and one or two a million is probably more accurate tears shed, here I am.
I have never really been the kind of person who likes to talk to others when I'm feeling down. I prefer to stay alone and wait until I feel better again. But this time, it's just not working. So I thought maybe I should just go and do something I usually wouldn't and share how I feel through this post. I'm not expecting sympathy or anything though. I mean we all have our own problems and some of you are probably going through a tougher time than me. But in hope to finally move on with my life, I feel like this has to be done. I'm not sure how it's going to end, I don't even know exactly what I want to say but well, let's do it~
I created this journal back in early 2012 because I was new to the Junior fandom, and I wanted to have my own place where I could freely speak what was on my mind, share links, videos, translations, etc. with the fandom. I also wanted it to be a place where I could interact with other fellow fans. Since I got to exchange with a lot of you guys, I think I can say it went pretty well!
Fortunately for me, I have never received any "real" hateful comments or messages. A couple of annoying ones, some from people who seem to think I'm a robot with no life, but nothing too bad. However, there was that ONE time I got that ONE negative comment that affected me a lot. It came from a person who knows me very well (and who has probably forgotten about this). And to make it worse, it happened when I was already feeling awful because of that event I'm not comfortable to talk about here yet, so these words hurt me really, really badly.
Ever since that day that was back in early 2013, I've been scared to post anything here. I didn't stop, because I like this place and I WANT to update it, but you can't imagine how scary it was - and still is - for me to press the "post to your journal" button every time I had to. I know I'm not anyone special. But I also knew at least one of you guys was going to read what I had written. At first, it was only a bit embarrassing, especially because some of my LJ friends are people who know me in real life. But ever since that "hateful" comment, more than the fear of receiving "hate" that could hurt me, it's the thought that my words may actually offend one of you in any way that terrifies me. Although I know it's impossible to please everyone, I didn't create my journal to annoy anyone, and I don't want anyone to feel bad because of me.
The reason why I haven't subbed anything since SHARK is partly linked to that fear. I like subbing. I really do. It helps me practice my English and my Japanese and it makes me feel a bit useful. But subbing is also something I find very stressful. What if I'm not fast enough? What if some people think the quality of the video is too bad? What if my English sounds weird to native speakers? What if someone wants me to sub a whole show when I only want to upload one episode or a bit from one? I know it's stupid to worry over things like that, but I'm just so scared someone might be angry because of me that even if I actually wanted to, I chose not to do anything. I can't even count how many times I started to translate or time a video and then simply gave up because the thought of releasing it was too scary.
If it makes me feel so bad, why don't I stop updating this journal and fangirl alone then? Like I said it's not as if I was anyone special, so I wouldn't be missed or anything. But the thing is that sometimes I feel like writing things somewhere and HERE is the perfect place for that. Also I actually enjoy doing things for other fans. Ever since I started this journal, I helped some of you regarding various topics, some of you answered my questions whenever I had one, and I love and treasure that link.
Even though I was feeling completely rubbish back then, my summer 2013 trip to Japan was absolutely awesome, and that was all thanks to a lovely girl I would have never met if I hadn't had this journal. The other day, a girl I helped with buying tickets to attend a show sent me a present to thank me when I wasn't expecting anything in return. At the end of last year, another girl I also helped shared photos of the day she attended the show with me. I would have never gotten to talk to these two girls if I hadn't had this journal. When I was subbing SHARK, I found out there are actually more French fans than I thought out there. Some of them let me become their real life friend which, again, would have never been possible without this journal.
And that's why I don't want to give up on this place. Even if I basically lost all of my self-confidence partly because of one bad event that happened here, I should have focused on the positive effect this journal has had on my life. And with hindsight, I really regret having let ONE person, ONE comment made me become afraid of something that actually made me happy.
Also I'm not planning on closing my journal any time soon because I still love Johnny's VERY much. Some people around me stopped being fans for various reasons. In a way, it kind of made me feel bad for still liking the boys. Losing people I could talk to and get excited over things with was hard. But the other day, I spent a couple of hours chatting with a lovely fellow French fangirl and, oh my god, it was so great talking to someone who I felt could understand me, someone to whom I felt I could relate to. It made me realize I'm actually happy with being a fangirl and I don't want to change only to please others or in order to be "more normal".
Although I don't talk about it here (Not refraining myself on twitter though aha!), I watch loads of Johnny's shows and I do genuinely enjoy them and look forward to a new episode every week. I love Kansai Junior more and more every day, I completely fell in love with KinKi's adorableness, I strongly support A.B.C-Z and Sexy Zone, I'm very much excited about what the future holds for Johnny's WEST and I still keep an interested eye on Tokyo Junior. Oh, I also happened to fall for Nogizaka46 and the 48 Group so yeah, I'm still a 100% fangirl x)
This is getting ridiculously long so let's end this post here!
As some of you may know, I'll be staying in Japan for six months from March 29th as an exchange student at Osaka Prefecture University. I wish I could honestly say I'm excited because I feel like I should but actually, I'm more scared. Like I said earlier, my self-confidence has been badly shaken during the past two years and I can't help being unsure about everything. But the other day, I was thinking about how much unnecessary pressure I had put on myself, especially last year, how harsh I have been towards myself, and I don't want that to happen ever again.
It took me a lot of time but I feel like I have come to slowly accept the fact that even if my wounds are far from healed, it is time for me to forgive myself. It's definitely easier said than done, I still have to deal with my uncertainties everyday but I think I have finally realized I can't be trapped in the past forever. It's fine to think about it sometimes but what happened happened, can't go back in time, life goes on.
I don't know how my exchange will go, I don't know what's going to happen after September and it terrifies me. But in the end, I know I will be fine because despite everything that happened, I have always been. So I promise I will try my best to simply enjoy life and also that I will slowly, at my own pace, get back on doing things that make me happy, things that I have missed doing ^_^
If anyone got through all of my words, sorry for taking so much of your time, thanks for reading, and I'll talk to you again hopefully very soon ♥
Does anyone even remember about me...?
Aaaand once again it's been quite a long time since my last update ^_^;)>
Well what can I say, a lot have happened and I don't only mean since my last post. Actually, over the past two years, my life has basically been a rollercoaster of emotions from overwhelming happiness to sadness I thought I would never recover from. I'm still not ready to talk about the one particular event that led to me feeling really down for two long years, not even to persons who are close to me, but a few things that happened recently around me have motivated me to write some of my thoughts down today.
So after countless sleepless nights and one or two a million is probably more accurate tears shed, here I am.
I have never really been the kind of person who likes to talk to others when I'm feeling down. I prefer to stay alone and wait until I feel better again. But this time, it's just not working. So I thought maybe I should just go and do something I usually wouldn't and share how I feel through this post. I'm not expecting sympathy or anything though. I mean we all have our own problems and some of you are probably going through a tougher time than me. But in hope to finally move on with my life, I feel like this has to be done. I'm not sure how it's going to end, I don't even know exactly what I want to say but well, let's do it~
I created this journal back in early 2012 because I was new to the Junior fandom, and I wanted to have my own place where I could freely speak what was on my mind, share links, videos, translations, etc. with the fandom. I also wanted it to be a place where I could interact with other fellow fans. Since I got to exchange with a lot of you guys, I think I can say it went pretty well!
Fortunately for me, I have never received any "real" hateful comments or messages. A couple of annoying ones, some from people who seem to think I'm a robot with no life, but nothing too bad. However, there was that ONE time I got that ONE negative comment that affected me a lot. It came from a person who knows me very well (and who has probably forgotten about this). And to make it worse, it happened when I was already feeling awful because of that event I'm not comfortable to talk about here yet, so these words hurt me really, really badly.
Ever since that day that was back in early 2013, I've been scared to post anything here. I didn't stop, because I like this place and I WANT to update it, but you can't imagine how scary it was - and still is - for me to press the "post to your journal" button every time I had to. I know I'm not anyone special. But I also knew at least one of you guys was going to read what I had written. At first, it was only a bit embarrassing, especially because some of my LJ friends are people who know me in real life. But ever since that "hateful" comment, more than the fear of receiving "hate" that could hurt me, it's the thought that my words may actually offend one of you in any way that terrifies me. Although I know it's impossible to please everyone, I didn't create my journal to annoy anyone, and I don't want anyone to feel bad because of me.
The reason why I haven't subbed anything since SHARK is partly linked to that fear. I like subbing. I really do. It helps me practice my English and my Japanese and it makes me feel a bit useful. But subbing is also something I find very stressful. What if I'm not fast enough? What if some people think the quality of the video is too bad? What if my English sounds weird to native speakers? What if someone wants me to sub a whole show when I only want to upload one episode or a bit from one? I know it's stupid to worry over things like that, but I'm just so scared someone might be angry because of me that even if I actually wanted to, I chose not to do anything. I can't even count how many times I started to translate or time a video and then simply gave up because the thought of releasing it was too scary.
If it makes me feel so bad, why don't I stop updating this journal and fangirl alone then? Like I said it's not as if I was anyone special, so I wouldn't be missed or anything. But the thing is that sometimes I feel like writing things somewhere and HERE is the perfect place for that. Also I actually enjoy doing things for other fans. Ever since I started this journal, I helped some of you regarding various topics, some of you answered my questions whenever I had one, and I love and treasure that link.
Even though I was feeling completely rubbish back then, my summer 2013 trip to Japan was absolutely awesome, and that was all thanks to a lovely girl I would have never met if I hadn't had this journal. The other day, a girl I helped with buying tickets to attend a show sent me a present to thank me when I wasn't expecting anything in return. At the end of last year, another girl I also helped shared photos of the day she attended the show with me. I would have never gotten to talk to these two girls if I hadn't had this journal. When I was subbing SHARK, I found out there are actually more French fans than I thought out there. Some of them let me become their real life friend which, again, would have never been possible without this journal.
And that's why I don't want to give up on this place. Even if I basically lost all of my self-confidence partly because of one bad event that happened here, I should have focused on the positive effect this journal has had on my life. And with hindsight, I really regret having let ONE person, ONE comment made me become afraid of something that actually made me happy.
Also I'm not planning on closing my journal any time soon because I still love Johnny's VERY much. Some people around me stopped being fans for various reasons. In a way, it kind of made me feel bad for still liking the boys. Losing people I could talk to and get excited over things with was hard. But the other day, I spent a couple of hours chatting with a lovely fellow French fangirl and, oh my god, it was so great talking to someone who I felt could understand me, someone to whom I felt I could relate to. It made me realize I'm actually happy with being a fangirl and I don't want to change only to please others or in order to be "more normal".
Although I don't talk about it here (Not refraining myself on twitter though aha!), I watch loads of Johnny's shows and I do genuinely enjoy them and look forward to a new episode every week. I love Kansai Junior more and more every day, I completely fell in love with KinKi's adorableness, I strongly support A.B.C-Z and Sexy Zone, I'm very much excited about what the future holds for Johnny's WEST and I still keep an interested eye on Tokyo Junior. Oh, I also happened to fall for Nogizaka46 and the 48 Group so yeah, I'm still a 100% fangirl x)
This is getting ridiculously long so let's end this post here!
As some of you may know, I'll be staying in Japan for six months from March 29th as an exchange student at Osaka Prefecture University. I wish I could honestly say I'm excited because I feel like I should but actually, I'm more scared. Like I said earlier, my self-confidence has been badly shaken during the past two years and I can't help being unsure about everything. But the other day, I was thinking about how much unnecessary pressure I had put on myself, especially last year, how harsh I have been towards myself, and I don't want that to happen ever again.
It took me a lot of time but I feel like I have come to slowly accept the fact that even if my wounds are far from healed, it is time for me to forgive myself. It's definitely easier said than done, I still have to deal with my uncertainties everyday but I think I have finally realized I can't be trapped in the past forever. It's fine to think about it sometimes but what happened happened, can't go back in time, life goes on.
I don't know how my exchange will go, I don't know what's going to happen after September and it terrifies me. But in the end, I know I will be fine because despite everything that happened, I have always been. So I promise I will try my best to simply enjoy life and also that I will slowly, at my own pace, get back on doing things that make me happy, things that I have missed doing ^_^
If anyone got through all of my words, sorry for taking so much of your time, thanks for reading, and I'll talk to you again hopefully very soon ♥