(no subject)
lately i haven’t felt like someone anyone would like to be around, so i simply avoid, though that only makes the loneliness louder. nothing sits well with me and just the thought feeds the anxiety and restlessness. i guess i need to start talking about it but me being me, i’d rather not burden even my closest friends so i’ll write to no one and everyone.
i’ve been in a long and slow slump that maybe comes with the age, something switched at the turn of 26.
i was dating someone for awhile - this definitely caught me off guard - and i felt some kind of hope. till i saw nothing in her, an empty shell that got way too sticky. everything that she’s become since is a giant deception but it has amused me seeing how much a person can bend their arms to look like wings to fit in.
my working life has been a little haphazard and scattered since October, spending quite a bit more time outside of an actual theatre and away from a lighting console. gallery set ups are too calculated and slow. i would very much like the constant turnovers of back to back shows in a venue.
Mr. Nobody is quite the perfect representation of me. i am usually and maybe even more so now paralysed by choices laid in front of me. each one seems too definitive whilst i tend to walk both paths. it’s been a long time since i’ve risked anything. if this keeps up i’m going to waste away thinking of the choices i’ve been given but never made a decision on. i also tend to hold back revealing how i feel, especially if it affects their lives directly, because why does it matter anyway. i am not worth that change in someone else’s being. these feelings usually come up at the most inconvenient times anyway.