(no subject)
here's an attempt to start writing again, driven by the sudden urge to read past posts and to see if any of my friends still use livejournal.
i miss writing but for awhile i felt like it served no purpose, like whatever i wrote simply disappeared into the black hole of the internet. i forgot why i used to write and it suddenly dawned on me again that i saved this space to connect with people that mattered deeply to me, to let them understand (hopefully) in ways i could never show in person. it's a reason that has always been in the subconscious.
in a few months i'm going to finally watch my most favourite band ever. ever since sonia told me about their show in jakarta i start tearing when i listen to them. doesn't matter where i am, but mostly when i'm in the train on the way somewhere - all it takes is a simple but brilliant riff or bassline or grandeur drums or a perfect line, especially jonas' voice - my eyes start welling up and i stop and control myself from weeping. it's always a different trigger. i love it. people talk about great bands but mew is the greatest band ever to me. it's been ten years since i first heard she spider and i remember it quite well: i was hanging outside somerset station and a friend passed me his discman and played the song.
on another side of things, i feel like i'm completely lost. i don't know what to think, all i ever do is work and climb. i love the routine of that because i really enjoy my work, and climbing has never stopped occupying so much of my thoughts. but i feel a sense of emptiness creeping in, i need something else, as lame and out of character as it sounds, a plan for the future, a little stability maybe, a hand to hold. people are getting degrees, getting jobs, getting married while i enjoy two or maybe three weeks of doing nothing but climbing and hanging out. it's not regret or jealousy but it sets my mind off thinking about how i can sustain such a lifestyle for as long as i want to without getting into any trouble. it's tough. sometimes i think my mind isn't at it's potential of twenty four years old because i skipped two phases of education. i'm smart. i know that about myself. i absorb knowledge really quickly if it interests me. or if i have an important test to take. but what paralyses me is how they're all in different streams and i can only swim in one.
i miss writing but for awhile i felt like it served no purpose, like whatever i wrote simply disappeared into the black hole of the internet. i forgot why i used to write and it suddenly dawned on me again that i saved this space to connect with people that mattered deeply to me, to let them understand (hopefully) in ways i could never show in person. it's a reason that has always been in the subconscious.
in a few months i'm going to finally watch my most favourite band ever. ever since sonia told me about their show in jakarta i start tearing when i listen to them. doesn't matter where i am, but mostly when i'm in the train on the way somewhere - all it takes is a simple but brilliant riff or bassline or grandeur drums or a perfect line, especially jonas' voice - my eyes start welling up and i stop and control myself from weeping. it's always a different trigger. i love it. people talk about great bands but mew is the greatest band ever to me. it's been ten years since i first heard she spider and i remember it quite well: i was hanging outside somerset station and a friend passed me his discman and played the song.
on another side of things, i feel like i'm completely lost. i don't know what to think, all i ever do is work and climb. i love the routine of that because i really enjoy my work, and climbing has never stopped occupying so much of my thoughts. but i feel a sense of emptiness creeping in, i need something else, as lame and out of character as it sounds, a plan for the future, a little stability maybe, a hand to hold. people are getting degrees, getting jobs, getting married while i enjoy two or maybe three weeks of doing nothing but climbing and hanging out. it's not regret or jealousy but it sets my mind off thinking about how i can sustain such a lifestyle for as long as i want to without getting into any trouble. it's tough. sometimes i think my mind isn't at it's potential of twenty four years old because i skipped two phases of education. i'm smart. i know that about myself. i absorb knowledge really quickly if it interests me. or if i have an important test to take. but what paralyses me is how they're all in different streams and i can only swim in one.