train wrecks.

[hajita]

So, you know that a train has wrecked near by, but as far as you are aware, it's out of site and out of reach. But, curiosity is one of man's greatest flaws (and pride), so you SEEK OUT said train wreck to check out how bad it is. Perhaps you have a hero complex, thinking "maybe the wreck isn't so bad and I can find something good out of it" or worse, "maybe the train didn't really wreck and I just heard incorrectly (although who would make up a train wreck) and when I get there I will instead find a shiny new train with plenty of brightly colored boxcars filled with gentle old homeless men who smoke pipes and tell great stories of living in the old west". Regardless of what convincing you have done to yourself, you go to look at the train wreck. It is your choice, you have completely prepared yourself for the outcome and to see the wreck itself, and yet, when you stumble upon the wreck, you stare in disbelief. Your heart hurts. Your stomach fills with fear and acid and you have that taste in your mouth- that acrid taste that makes old coffee seem like candy. Your heads feels swollen, your palms start to get clammy, and feel that pressure behind your eyes like you just need to lean your head forward onto a board or something to hold it up any more. And yet you keep looking. and looking. and then you start to write out the situation in your head: "maybe the train wrecked sure, but it's still chuggable." "maybe the train was supposed to wreck so a new train can be built that is prettier and with more hobo-fillable space." "perhaps the train didn't really wreck and I am now just on drugs." You don't do drugs any more because now you work for a church. "You know, the train wreck is just my imagination. The train is really still chugging along, housing all the hobos, and I'm looking at a perfectly good train station and only picking out anything that can be interpreted as wreckage."
Still you look. Over and over and over. Then you tell yourself "stop." and get curious again and look again. Then you research the history of the train and how you missed that the wreck was on the way- the mechanics of the train- and you realize that had you checked the background, you would have seen the wreck coming. No matter, you still would have looked at it when it happened.

i just want to win one time.