(no subject)
Every time I come back home to Chandler, I get very reminiscent, very nostalgic, very pensive. Much more pensive than I normally get when I'm in Vegas and thinking about home. I always start to wonder how my life might be different if I had stayed in town. I rarely think twice about a decision I make; I couldn't go back and change it anyway, so why dwell on it? But this is something I've always wondered. I'll still never know, but it never stops nagging at me. What would my life be like? What would my family be like?
Five years ago, I would've given everything I owned just to have my family back together. It was something my mom swore to me would never happen; she refused. To this day, I've never understood what started the rift between my mom and sister. It's not the first time we'd been torn apart. But this time, it seemed like it was it. I guess part of me wanted to move to Vegas to forget about all the problems. If I wasn't constantly around the divide, it wouldn't seem so real. Now here we are...it took my sister losing her baby for our family to come back together. It's sick, but to this day, I still thank that baby for doing what I couldn't.
I wonder if my mom would be healthier. That's why I came down so suddenly this time. My mom was in the hospital, going in for surgery. I flew down the next day and surprised her, since she didn't know I was coming, to find her howling in pain from her bedroom. All seemed well yesterday, until this morning when she had more pain. It took my dad and I three hours to convince her that we needed to take her to the hospital. She's still there; hopefully she'll be out tomorrow. I wonder though, if anything would be different if I had stayed. I suppose there really isn't any correlation, other than maybe stress levels, but I don't know if I would've changed that at all. I do wonder if I've spent enough time with her. If I hadn't moved, I would have had 5 more years to spend with her, my dad and everyone else. I was up at 4am this morning, listening to my mom howl from the pain and thought to myself over and over again that I don't think she'll be here by the end of the year. It scares me. I know it's going to come some day, but I'm just not ready. I supposed I never will be; who would? I wonder what my dad will do when that times come. I know he's strong, but I just can't imagine how he'll deal with it. I pray it's not something any of us will have to deal with soon, but it's definitely crossed my mind, especially considering her failing health.
I wonder what my life would be like. Would I be with David? I'd like to think so. I can't imagine life without him now. I know we seem like a complete mismatched pair, even we think so, but we love each other, and that's what matters.
And that brings me to my other...perplexities. My sister and I were talking a few months back about how her and mom were discussing me being gay. Long story short, we decided it was about time I talked to them about it, since it's been the elephant in the room for the last five years. But we both decided that I would talk to them about it, but that it had to be in person because anything else is just too impersonal. That was March. This is the first time I've seen them since then, but I don't really think this is the opportune time to bring it up. The last thing I want to do is make my mom more sick, worried, angry, upset or whatever. But if not now, when? I could just bring it up with my dad, but I don't think that'll help clear the air with her. And then, if I do bring it up, do I mention David? I told myself I would, especially once I bought a place, because then I have nothing to worry about. I wouldn't be tied to them financially whatsoever. And even though that's still up in the air, I've wanted to tell them. I told David I wanted us all to have Thanksgiving together this year; I doubt that'll happen, but it's a nice thought.
So now I have no idea what I'll end up doing. If my mom doesn't get discharged before I leave on Tuesday, I'm almost sure I won't bring it up. I at least want her to be at home for it. I don't think it'll be as bad as I imagine it, but I usually like to prepare for the worst. I still don't know why I'm so apprehensive about it; I suppose I just don't like cutting ties, and I'm always afraid that's what will happen.
*sigh*
So many things running through my head. So little time to figure it out.
I suppose I shall see what ends up happening....
Five years ago, I would've given everything I owned just to have my family back together. It was something my mom swore to me would never happen; she refused. To this day, I've never understood what started the rift between my mom and sister. It's not the first time we'd been torn apart. But this time, it seemed like it was it. I guess part of me wanted to move to Vegas to forget about all the problems. If I wasn't constantly around the divide, it wouldn't seem so real. Now here we are...it took my sister losing her baby for our family to come back together. It's sick, but to this day, I still thank that baby for doing what I couldn't.
I wonder if my mom would be healthier. That's why I came down so suddenly this time. My mom was in the hospital, going in for surgery. I flew down the next day and surprised her, since she didn't know I was coming, to find her howling in pain from her bedroom. All seemed well yesterday, until this morning when she had more pain. It took my dad and I three hours to convince her that we needed to take her to the hospital. She's still there; hopefully she'll be out tomorrow. I wonder though, if anything would be different if I had stayed. I suppose there really isn't any correlation, other than maybe stress levels, but I don't know if I would've changed that at all. I do wonder if I've spent enough time with her. If I hadn't moved, I would have had 5 more years to spend with her, my dad and everyone else. I was up at 4am this morning, listening to my mom howl from the pain and thought to myself over and over again that I don't think she'll be here by the end of the year. It scares me. I know it's going to come some day, but I'm just not ready. I supposed I never will be; who would? I wonder what my dad will do when that times come. I know he's strong, but I just can't imagine how he'll deal with it. I pray it's not something any of us will have to deal with soon, but it's definitely crossed my mind, especially considering her failing health.
I wonder what my life would be like. Would I be with David? I'd like to think so. I can't imagine life without him now. I know we seem like a complete mismatched pair, even we think so, but we love each other, and that's what matters.
And that brings me to my other...perplexities. My sister and I were talking a few months back about how her and mom were discussing me being gay. Long story short, we decided it was about time I talked to them about it, since it's been the elephant in the room for the last five years. But we both decided that I would talk to them about it, but that it had to be in person because anything else is just too impersonal. That was March. This is the first time I've seen them since then, but I don't really think this is the opportune time to bring it up. The last thing I want to do is make my mom more sick, worried, angry, upset or whatever. But if not now, when? I could just bring it up with my dad, but I don't think that'll help clear the air with her. And then, if I do bring it up, do I mention David? I told myself I would, especially once I bought a place, because then I have nothing to worry about. I wouldn't be tied to them financially whatsoever. And even though that's still up in the air, I've wanted to tell them. I told David I wanted us all to have Thanksgiving together this year; I doubt that'll happen, but it's a nice thought.
So now I have no idea what I'll end up doing. If my mom doesn't get discharged before I leave on Tuesday, I'm almost sure I won't bring it up. I at least want her to be at home for it. I don't think it'll be as bad as I imagine it, but I usually like to prepare for the worst. I still don't know why I'm so apprehensive about it; I suppose I just don't like cutting ties, and I'm always afraid that's what will happen.
*sigh*
So many things running through my head. So little time to figure it out.
I suppose I shall see what ends up happening....