A new leaf

[hajijohn]

I have spent the weekend deeply meditating on my life at the present. That meditation has run the gambit of emotion. Just this morning I declared to my wife, that I thought I was going to become athiest. It seemed to me that there are times when God is cruel, uncaring, and insensitive. My logic was that if God is the all powerful, then why does God do nothing to make some life events easier. The last straw came this morning for me, when for the second night in a row, my son afforded me no sleep at all. He slept mind you. As a matter of fact he slept like a baby. That is to say that while his eyes were closed in what I can only assume was a restful state, he flailed his arms, kicked me, smacked me in the face, and made a lot of whiney noises. Katherine and I co-sleep with our son. That means that until he gets older, we have him in the bed with us. I don't put this on my journal as an invitation for everyone to send me opinion messages about how dangerous, or unhealthy that is. It is a choice that we have made together as educated parents that have studied all of the research. I won't have that conversation, and may consider removing friends from my list who try to engage me in it, so just please don't go there. Actually...do as you feel necessary. I am entitled to my opinions as are we all, so just forget that last rant. The point that I am taking the long road to get to, is that I realized that most of the issues that I have turned into a struggle between myself and God, have really been between myself and other people, and myself, and my personal preconcieved notions of the type of person I should be. The imidiate problem is the level of stress that I have been putting on myself to be someone of importance rather than just learning how to be. The other issue is that God allows all of us free will, even my son of 11 and 1/2 weeks. I want to make it perfectly clear that I never once was upset with my son, so there is no need to call AFCS on me. I have worked diligently to be a good and positive dad. Instead I was mad at God for not doing something to calm Sasha, and allow me to rest. I have to begin teaching full time on Monday, and I had not slept the previous night either. However, if it is true that God allows us free will, including my son, then there truely was nothing God could do as an assistence. I can ask for strength to get through my day tomorrow, and guidance in making wise choices, but to ask God to alter the behavior of others for my benifit is not something that will ever happen. I now understand that I am on my own where interaction with others is concerned, and that is why Baha'u'lla'h says that each person is responsible for one person and one person only, and that is yourself. That isn't the same as, "Look out for numero uno." It means that you can't effect the choices of others, so be the best person that you can be. This has given me cause to re-examine how I do things in my own life. I was talking with Sosni on Friday night telling her that I didn't feel like I was being of service, and that my spiritual life has continued to decline since I came home from Haifa almost 7 years ago, to the point where trying to read the Writings in of itself has felt like a burden. Sosni asked if I thought that I could read one word twice a day. I said yes, and she said that is enough to fulfill my obligation to the covenant, (as long as I am also doing obligatory prayer, and bringing myself to account everyday.) I have had trouble with that last one too, because I discovered that I don't like that termonology. I discovered that the termonology itself has been a burden to me. If God loves me, I don't need to feel like, "Big Brother is watching me." Instead what I have come up with are the questions, "How did I serve my Lord today, and how can I serve my Lord better." Sosni reminded me that despite what I have been feeling, I have been of service. In creating a stable family, and working to complete my education to become a teacher, that I am working on the foundation level of society building, and that can be a significant contribution.

So, I have been thinking about how to redifine my life, and have decided that I have to know where to focus my devotion, and what that heirarchy looks like. Here it is.

Reliance on God (and belief that God only wants what is best for me, so no more blaming God for my woes).

Devotion to my family

commitment to my work, and I think that the rest will fall into place.