And it all comes crashing down...
And it all comes crashing down. Today. February 17, 2015.
Here I am. 26. I never pictured myself still being here at home, writing on my livejournal as my desperate attempt to be heard. Life is just shit right now and I don't really think anyone knows exactly how terrible I feel. I had a thought today and I thought life really isn't worth living at the moment.
Dad's been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. The doc gave him roughly 12 - 15 months to live. He came out of brain surgery remarkably well. There wasn't any neurological damage. I remember that he was still able to communicate well. Then he had radiation and chemotherapy. Now, all he is says is his mind is blank. I think I'm coming close to the realization that my father is no longer really my father any more. It's just his shell. Some days he comes back, and some days I feel his soul crying out for help though his mind won't allow him to say it.
The rug's been pulled from under my feet and I think I'm still on the floor. Dazed and confused. 12 to 15 months? Why did Steph react the way she did? I guess it's cause she's a doctor. Stoic? She said she wanted to be the strong one. I was crying my heart out and she just sat there and fixed her glasses. She already had one foot out the door at that point.
It's been a learning experience. You need to find someone you connect with emotionally. I dated her for 6 years, and I knew I could get along with her, but it wasn't until this that I realized that we couldn't connect. Blessing in disguise? Dodged a bullet? Maybe. I dreamt of her last night. I still miss her. I miss being with her. But it wasn't meant to be and it's for the best.
It's sad. You knew someone so well, and you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with them. And now, they're just someone you used to know. A character in a book you got to know, but you turn the page, and close the book. They're gone. I tried explaining how tragic this felt to me to one of my friends, she just brushed it off and essentially said that you'll move on. Again, connection.
So here I am. 26. Writing on my livejournal years after graduating high school. I am truly alone. I have never felt this much sorrow and despair and hopelessness and fear and hate in my life.
This modern love breaks me.
No one cares about you and your problems. I guess I've come to the realization of this only now. People have their own problems. I thought in my naive mind that you'd always have a support from those closest to you. I guess I'm not so lucky. I mean, people always say they're around if you need them, but what does that really mean? How many people do know how to deal with terminal illness? How many people will say there's more fish in the sea after a break up?
Find people you connect with. I wish I could.
Here I am. 26. I never pictured myself still being here at home, writing on my livejournal as my desperate attempt to be heard. Life is just shit right now and I don't really think anyone knows exactly how terrible I feel. I had a thought today and I thought life really isn't worth living at the moment.
Dad's been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. The doc gave him roughly 12 - 15 months to live. He came out of brain surgery remarkably well. There wasn't any neurological damage. I remember that he was still able to communicate well. Then he had radiation and chemotherapy. Now, all he is says is his mind is blank. I think I'm coming close to the realization that my father is no longer really my father any more. It's just his shell. Some days he comes back, and some days I feel his soul crying out for help though his mind won't allow him to say it.
The rug's been pulled from under my feet and I think I'm still on the floor. Dazed and confused. 12 to 15 months? Why did Steph react the way she did? I guess it's cause she's a doctor. Stoic? She said she wanted to be the strong one. I was crying my heart out and she just sat there and fixed her glasses. She already had one foot out the door at that point.
It's been a learning experience. You need to find someone you connect with emotionally. I dated her for 6 years, and I knew I could get along with her, but it wasn't until this that I realized that we couldn't connect. Blessing in disguise? Dodged a bullet? Maybe. I dreamt of her last night. I still miss her. I miss being with her. But it wasn't meant to be and it's for the best.
It's sad. You knew someone so well, and you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with them. And now, they're just someone you used to know. A character in a book you got to know, but you turn the page, and close the book. They're gone. I tried explaining how tragic this felt to me to one of my friends, she just brushed it off and essentially said that you'll move on. Again, connection.
So here I am. 26. Writing on my livejournal years after graduating high school. I am truly alone. I have never felt this much sorrow and despair and hopelessness and fear and hate in my life.
This modern love breaks me.
No one cares about you and your problems. I guess I've come to the realization of this only now. People have their own problems. I thought in my naive mind that you'd always have a support from those closest to you. I guess I'm not so lucky. I mean, people always say they're around if you need them, but what does that really mean? How many people do know how to deal with terminal illness? How many people will say there's more fish in the sea after a break up?
Find people you connect with. I wish I could.