A life lesson maybe?
For years, my parents have not been close to anyone. No members of the family, extended family or friends. They have acquaintances and such. They talk to the relatives and see them occasionally. I don't remember them being close to anyone since I was about 9 or 10 years old. My parents never hugged us, never told us they loved us, until we were grown and out of the house. I remember once going to give my mother a hug good night while I was visiting and she actually cringed away from the contact. She made some excuse about not knowing what I was going to do to her.
So after talking to my dad today and getting an update on my mom, I realized exactly how alone he was starting to realize he was. When you make one person the focus of your life, and not even a pleasant one at that, when that one person is gone, every bit of closeness you had is gone too. My sister and I call him every day. My sister can't even be close to herself, much less any other member of the family. Myself, on the other hand, I've been very fortunate to have a number of people help me to be a more demonstrative human being. What I've come to discover though, is that I have just not been able to offer any closeness to my parents. There seems to be this switch that is just cut off from having anything other than empathy for what they are going through. Empathy isn't familial closeness though. Empathy isn't having a friend to talk to. I am not and have never been that person for them. They've tried to put me in that position on a number of occasions. He's doing that now. I can't fake it though. I can't seem to change it and even if I could, that very unkind, unforgiving part of me isn't sure that I'd want to anyway.
I don't care like I am "supposed to" about any of this. I actually feel a little relief if I'm honest. I feel relief that I don't have to put on a charade anymore with these people, these strangers. I don't mind that my mom is dying. I feel a little sad. I feel badly for what my dad is going through, but that is just about all I can muster up. There is just nothing else there. It sounds like such a horrible thing to say. I've decided not to feel guilty about it though, because there is nothing that can be done about it. I can't seem to change it, and wasting energy feeling guilty about it because I don't feel the way I am supposed to is kind of draining an pointless.
Life lesson: Make friends and mean it. Put some effort into your family all of the time from the beginning. While you may love your spouse, do not put all of your eggs into that basket, because if something happens to that basket, you'll be very broken indeed. No support system is a lonely lonely place.
So after talking to my dad today and getting an update on my mom, I realized exactly how alone he was starting to realize he was. When you make one person the focus of your life, and not even a pleasant one at that, when that one person is gone, every bit of closeness you had is gone too. My sister and I call him every day. My sister can't even be close to herself, much less any other member of the family. Myself, on the other hand, I've been very fortunate to have a number of people help me to be a more demonstrative human being. What I've come to discover though, is that I have just not been able to offer any closeness to my parents. There seems to be this switch that is just cut off from having anything other than empathy for what they are going through. Empathy isn't familial closeness though. Empathy isn't having a friend to talk to. I am not and have never been that person for them. They've tried to put me in that position on a number of occasions. He's doing that now. I can't fake it though. I can't seem to change it and even if I could, that very unkind, unforgiving part of me isn't sure that I'd want to anyway.
I don't care like I am "supposed to" about any of this. I actually feel a little relief if I'm honest. I feel relief that I don't have to put on a charade anymore with these people, these strangers. I don't mind that my mom is dying. I feel a little sad. I feel badly for what my dad is going through, but that is just about all I can muster up. There is just nothing else there. It sounds like such a horrible thing to say. I've decided not to feel guilty about it though, because there is nothing that can be done about it. I can't seem to change it, and wasting energy feeling guilty about it because I don't feel the way I am supposed to is kind of draining an pointless.
Life lesson: Make friends and mean it. Put some effort into your family all of the time from the beginning. While you may love your spouse, do not put all of your eggs into that basket, because if something happens to that basket, you'll be very broken indeed. No support system is a lonely lonely place.