You know, I'm not sure if I'm dead inside or what?
I found out today that my grandmother passed away at 2am this morning. I'd like to say that it has some meaning for me somewhere, but it doesn't. I haven't seen that woman for longer that a couple of hours in my early 20's since I was 13 years old. I'm 39 now. That's 26 years by my math. She was a good grandma I guess, but not what you would call an interactive one. There are a lot of stories about her and I know she lived through some tremendous rough times. Both of my grandmothers lived through this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dust_bowl. They both ended up in California. They both actually met while they were working at a fruit packing plant there, before my parents ever met. I really didn't know either one of my grandmothers very well. I know they both had rat bastards for husbands. I know they both have really screwed up kids.
This grandmother that died today was the mother of 3 boys and one adopted daughter. Her husband left her alone with the three boys to fend for themselves because he decided alcohol was the way to go. He died in a ditch with 9 cents in his pocket and a bad liver. He was a horrible bastard by all accounts and I'm glad I never knew him. He died when my father was about 4.
She remarried. There were rumors that she had to turn tricks to make ends meet for her and her sons. Rumor is that she married one of them. If those rumors are true, that was one of the best choices she ever made. My grandpa (he really is the only grandpa I've ever known) was a good man and a quiet man. He put up with things that no one should have to put up with. He fought in wars and still had a gentle nature. He and my grandmother adopted a daughter.
That is about the extent of the history that I know about my grandparents on that side of the family. I think that I'm expected to be bothered when they die. I didn't know them, any of them. They bought me candy and tweaked my cheeks when I was young and cute. After that, there was nothing.
My mother tells quite a different story. She says that my cousins were the favoured grandchildren and always got better stuff and more attention. I didn't really have the heart to tell her that just about any attention was fine, given the lack of attention we got in our own home.
I loved what was my grandmother, but that was a time long past, in a place far far away. She hasn't existed for years, and neither has that version of myself. I didn't want to know my prescription drug addicted grandmother. I didn't want to know the grandmother that could stand in the middle of a pharmacy pitching a screaming fit because the pharmacist wouldn't refill her valium prescription. My grandmother the junkie... I like what existed in that time long past, in that place far far away. I think I'll keep her right there. Then there is really nothing to miss and nothing to mourn.
The candy was great. Thanks for the Asteroid games you let us play at the Circle K. Thanks for the Nancy Drew books and plastic toy farm animals. Thanks for Rose, the garage sale moth eaten stuffed dog that you saved for me for years. Thanks for the bridal basket that I never got to use and had no idea what to do with. You were pretty cool when you were still with us, but that was a long time ago in a land far far away. I'm glad you weren't cognizant when you left. I don't think you would've liked the view.
This grandmother that died today was the mother of 3 boys and one adopted daughter. Her husband left her alone with the three boys to fend for themselves because he decided alcohol was the way to go. He died in a ditch with 9 cents in his pocket and a bad liver. He was a horrible bastard by all accounts and I'm glad I never knew him. He died when my father was about 4.
She remarried. There were rumors that she had to turn tricks to make ends meet for her and her sons. Rumor is that she married one of them. If those rumors are true, that was one of the best choices she ever made. My grandpa (he really is the only grandpa I've ever known) was a good man and a quiet man. He put up with things that no one should have to put up with. He fought in wars and still had a gentle nature. He and my grandmother adopted a daughter.
That is about the extent of the history that I know about my grandparents on that side of the family. I think that I'm expected to be bothered when they die. I didn't know them, any of them. They bought me candy and tweaked my cheeks when I was young and cute. After that, there was nothing.
My mother tells quite a different story. She says that my cousins were the favoured grandchildren and always got better stuff and more attention. I didn't really have the heart to tell her that just about any attention was fine, given the lack of attention we got in our own home.
I loved what was my grandmother, but that was a time long past, in a place far far away. She hasn't existed for years, and neither has that version of myself. I didn't want to know my prescription drug addicted grandmother. I didn't want to know the grandmother that could stand in the middle of a pharmacy pitching a screaming fit because the pharmacist wouldn't refill her valium prescription. My grandmother the junkie... I like what existed in that time long past, in that place far far away. I think I'll keep her right there. Then there is really nothing to miss and nothing to mourn.
The candy was great. Thanks for the Asteroid games you let us play at the Circle K. Thanks for the Nancy Drew books and plastic toy farm animals. Thanks for Rose, the garage sale moth eaten stuffed dog that you saved for me for years. Thanks for the bridal basket that I never got to use and had no idea what to do with. You were pretty cool when you were still with us, but that was a long time ago in a land far far away. I'm glad you weren't cognizant when you left. I don't think you would've liked the view.