Grand Theft Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse!
Lordy, lordy, lordy! A lot of bad stuff has been going down in this world the last few weeks and I don't think a lot of us are surprised. In between my endless nightmares and sexy dreams where I'm making love like a pornstar, God came to me in a dream. "Be thou damned!" said she (just kidding, God's a Man!) "Forsooth and forsook your land is imperiled! You shall pay for your sins and the currency shall be asians!" Then she (Ha! Just kidding again! HE.) disappeared in a puff of purple smoke and I knew immediately (or thought I did) what He was talking about. A new Grand Theft Auto was released in to the wild and straight in to the hands of impressionable kids everywhere. Clearly, the various typhoons and earthquakes rocking the AZNs of the world are due to God punishing them for our misdeeds. But during my weekly shower I felt a moment of clarity or perhaps more appropriately given my recent communing with the extraterrestial beings that pretend to be God, an epiphany: What if it wasn't because of GTAIV? What if it was because of something even more sinister and damaging to the world pysche? What if...
While I don't pretend to know the mind of God any more than the Pope does I do know that - like every Food Network Throwdown starring Bobby Flay - this is some serious shit. How serious? Let's put it this way: while I was laying in bed playing Grand Theft Auto IV a tornado was busy tearing apart homes and lives just SOUTH of the city I live in. Normally, caring about natural disasters is down on my list next to caring about the homeless which is some where near the bottom but, when a tornado decides to chew up a vast parcel of land directly to the south of me I take notice. Instead of trying to find a way to help the victims of the tornado I decided to do what I do best: shift the blame on to anything I don't like. In this case, I think I speak for myself and as always Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser when I say that the cause of all this misery is unequivocally due to the black hole of vacuosness opened up by The Four Horse Women of the Apocalypse.
The Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse just before they begin skinning a pile of AZN babies alive.
The last time any of us had seen one of these actual walking talking skeletons was a few years ago. I think Carrie or Miranda or which ever one has the unfortunate countenace of a horse was about to marry one of the other ones or maybe one of their gay friends. I don't know. Truly, God is punishing us by punishing China with earthquakes. Besides that fucking spring shower that killed like a million people in Myanmar, Headline News has talked about nothing else. But despite all this the world keeps turning and we keep playing GTAIV. Has anyone else played the bank robbery mission? Man, that was pretty crazy!
While I don't pretend to know the mind of God any more than the Pope does I do know that - like every Food Network Throwdown starring Bobby Flay - this is some serious shit. How serious? Let's put it this way: while I was laying in bed playing Grand Theft Auto IV a tornado was busy tearing apart homes and lives just SOUTH of the city I live in. Normally, caring about natural disasters is down on my list next to caring about the homeless which is some where near the bottom but, when a tornado decides to chew up a vast parcel of land directly to the south of me I take notice. Instead of trying to find a way to help the victims of the tornado I decided to do what I do best: shift the blame on to anything I don't like. In this case, I think I speak for myself and as always Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser when I say that the cause of all this misery is unequivocally due to the black hole of vacuosness opened up by The Four Horse Women of the Apocalypse.
The Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse just before they begin skinning a pile of AZN babies alive.
The last time any of us had seen one of these actual walking talking skeletons was a few years ago. I think Carrie or Miranda or which ever one has the unfortunate countenace of a horse was about to marry one of the other ones or maybe one of their gay friends. I don't know. Truly, God is punishing us by punishing China with earthquakes. Besides that fucking spring shower that killed like a million people in Myanmar, Headline News has talked about nothing else. But despite all this the world keeps turning and we keep playing GTAIV. Has anyone else played the bank robbery mission? Man, that was pretty crazy!