peaks and valleys
Of the thoughts that run through my weary mind, the fly often lights on where I am in terms of where my peers are. I'm often disappointing with my self, but at the end of every day it will always be the decisions that I make that take me in whatever direction i'm going. The fly being my hyper active mind and it's inability to concentrate on one thought. Would medication help? Would that solve all of my problems? Probably not. I've got so many holes in my boat it just won't go as fast as most other people. I don't even want to think about how far behind I am. In life I feel like there are some who can but happy without success, but they have love, or faith. I have none of the three. I have love in the form of friendships and family. And to be perfectly honest they are the only thing that keep me moving forward. Thank whoever or whatever that I do have them. I live my life for them. Never for me because I'm not worth it. At least not stock me. I need a system upgrade. I know I can do better and that's what kills me. It's in me and it shows up in brief glimpses. Like a stutter or a short in connection. When firing on all cylinders I'm as good as anyone. It's so hard to find the motivation day in and day out though. There are so many distractions and I always fall back on bad habits, because it's the only thing that makes me feel better. When all my friends have gone home with there college degrees and their spouses and their kids or pets, and I'm left alone in my disaster of a bedroom because I've neglected it for weeks, That's when I sit and I ponder the mysteries of life and try and convince my self that I'm going to be alright one of these days. But what does it all matter in the end? Life to me right now is about finding something to live for. Let me explain...The point of being here is unknown, so we all have to have our own reason, some explanation to ourselves. For some it's faith, for some it's family, some success, others never find a reason and give up. It's a struggle for all of us and something we all have in common. Why are we here? Where did we come from? And all those other mega stressful questions that I avoid even thinking about. So what is important to me? Love is. The love of my family and friends. It's all I've got right now. That's not a good reason, i mean the things that are the most important to you should be that just because there's nothing else. Will they still be my priority if/when I get married? I like to think so. But how do you find that balance? It's tough. And I have no idea what I'm doing. And i'm starting to be lapped. So do I have another gear? Do I have what it takes to step up and do what I need to do? Can I be patient with love and not expect to fall in love every day? Can I be happy with myself and not put so much pressure on my shoulders? Can I be disciplined and put to use all of the wonderful advice people have given me or will I continue to stumble all over myself, and make poor decisions? I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I feel slightly better getting all that off my chest. Truth is i'm scared to fail, and to be alone. How tough am I? Haven't I been through a lot? Not as much as some. But certainly enough. I know what I have to do. I just need to get my head out of my behind and do it. Do all of it. Today! Not tomorrow!