Fast Eddies
This is NOT fanfiction, but it is m/m.
If you liked my writing then have a read.
Title Fast Eddies
Rating Mature
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter Twenty
Rolling over I groan as my head hits something hard. What the fuck? Opening my eyes I find a nearly empty bottle of vodka against my head. I remember now, Mike had been kind enough to bring me that and a bottle of diet coke, unfortunately his company hadn't been something he could offer as he had to work on a paper for today, but I'd been as content as I could be with the alcohol, a few DVD's and my laptop. I can't believe I've let myself get to this, drinking by myself in bed, without having got dressed the day before. I feel rough and probably look worse having not bothered to shave yesterday. Running a hand over my jaw I feel the bristle of stubble. There is however one up side to having not left my room, in that I haven't had to face Jason. I don't know what I'm going to do there, have played the scene over in my mind nearly as much as I have the kiss between Joe and Kevin. He said: 'I'm going to miss you too, I don't think you realise just how much.' That's something a friend would say if it weren't followed by him kissing me, that sounds like he has a crush, or even deeper feelings for me. Is it my fault, have I led him on in some way to make him think that I look on him like that? I don't think I have, having not behaved any differently to him than I have to Mike, and Mike's not trying to kiss me. Maybe Jason is just confused about his sexuality and he's displaced all of that onto me as I'm openly gay. God, I just hope it's a crush, I can't deal with the mess anything more would lead to. A crush can be got over, so long as I let him know I'll only ever see him as a friend. I should know, at school I had a crush on Iain for two years and managed to hide it well, and get over it when I knew he was straight and not interested in me in the slightest.
Fuck I just want all of these things to go away and leave me to get on with school. What am I going to do about this whole thing? I push the sleeves of the hoodie up my arms, too warm, but not wanting to take the item off. It's Joe's hoodie, the one he leant me when it was raining. It doesn't smell like him as it did last night, something I'd slipped on to pathetically comfort myself with. I can't believe I miss him so much, can't believe it hurts so much. I'm so fucking stupid, I wish I'd seen my mother sooner, had her give me the advice and applied it to this before my heart took a beating.
The door creeps open and I look up, Mike's head appearing around the door. When he sees that I'm awake he smiles, walking in, picking up the vodka bottle from beside my head and sitting on the bed.
'You drink enough of this last night?' He asks, amused.
'No, I still remember everything,' I tell him, bunching the covers around me as I sit up.
'Don't let him do this to you,' Mike sighs, 'you let him get to you and he's won. You need to get your ass into a shower, have a shave, put some clothes on and get yourself back out there. The best thing you can do is pick yourself up some hot dude and bring him home as a fuck you to that asshole.'
I know that's what I should do, and if it had been Ash who'd cheated on me it'd have been exactly what I would have done. It's not Ash though, it's Joe, I feel so much more for him than I have anyone else in my life, and this hurts worse than anything.
'I don't want to do this...' I admit, looking away, 'I just... it just hurts too much.'
Mike is silent a moment, and when I look up to see what's happening he's simply looking at me, eyes soft with understanding.
'You really, really do fucking like him don't you?' I nod, unable to hide my misery with a lie. 'Come on then dude, give me his address and I swear to God I'll go kick his ass for you. The offer still stands and I'd be glad to give him even a fraction of the pain you feel right now.'
I want to hug him. He's been so kind to me, too kind.
'No, I won't sink that low.'
'Well if you do just let me know,' he smiles, standing up and starting to walk away, vodka bottle still in his hand. Suddenly he stops, turning. 'Oh yeah, this came for you yesterday. Jason forgot to give it you.'
The envelope is thrown at me and Mike offers a last smile before leaving. I drop the letter onto the bed, not bothering to look at it. It'll probably be from my mom, or a cellphone bill or something. Turning my eyes to my alarm clock I find it the wrong side of midday. Fuck I missed class again. God I really am letting everything get fucked up aren't I? I can't do this, I can't ruin my whole future because one guy chose someone else over me.
Not wanting to tangle my thoughts with such problems I look down to the letter again. Instantly my brow furrows, I don't really recognise the handwriting and there is no stamp, which means it's been hand posted. A thought hits me and my hands work quick in ripping the envelope open, removing the sheet of paper. I think I do recognise the handwriting and it has my heart hammering. Tossing the envelope to the floor I open the folded paper, eyes eagerly devouring the words. It is from Joe, I was right.
Ben,
I feel like such an idiot, I'm sitting on your doorstep at three a.m. and I feel so fucking bad. I wanted to buzz and talk to you, but I remembered you live with Mike and the way you're feeling right now you'd probably let him kick my ass, and I didn't want to make things harder for you.
I just want you to know I came over, that I really want you to talk to me so I can explain that you've got it wrong. I'm not with Kevin, I never have been. Please, fucking please call me, or turn on your cell. I'll be calling you.
Joe x
Fuck. I read it twice over, lingering on each word, looking to see if I've missed anything, or if I'm reading into things in a way they shouldn't be interpreted, but it's straight forward. He called for me, he got my address and came all the way down here after work. He was here at three in the morning when he had work the next day. He must mean it, but how can he explain away that kiss? I know my eyes weren't playing tricks on me, but fuck, if Joe had walked in on me and Jason then a conclusion could have been reached that wasn't entirely correct. Kevin is Joe's friend, just as Jason is mine. Maybe I could have got it all wrong, maybe I'm not being entirely fair in not letting him explain.
Shit, this was delivered yesterday. Fuck. I look to the bedside table for my cell, only to find it's not there. Where the hell did I put that? An image of it on the coffee table makes me close my eyes. Dammit, now I'm going to have to go and get up and possibly bump into Jason and have a whole lot of awkwardness piled on top of my developing hangover, the second in two days. I want to hear what Joe has to say, I want to know if I'm just making everything up, or if he has broken my heart. All I know is that the possibility he wasn't cheating on me lessens the pain in my chest.
Dragging my ass out of bed I pull on my robe, not bothering to dress properly. The more I think about it, the more I start to get agitated. What if Joe wasn't cheating on me, he would have sat there all day yesterday waiting for me to call him, calling me and getting nothing but my answer phone. Jason hid this didn't he, he remembered what happened despite being fucked out of his tree and this was his petty way of getting back at me for my rejection. Fucking asshole.
Stepping out I make my way around the corner, see Stuart sitting with his laptop on the coffee table. He looks up as I pick up my cell from it.
'So you survived the night then,' he teases, and I only offer him a sour glare in return. I'm in no mood for having the shit ripped out of me by a smartass.
Ignoring him I walk straight to the kitchen. Before I brave turning my cell on I need coffee, a whole lot of fucking coffee. Walking straight over to the pot I reach up and pull my mug from the cupboard and proceed to pour out the beautiful, liquid wake up.
'Looks like you need that just as much as me,' comes a small voice from behind, making me jump.
Spinning round I find Jason slumped over the table which is situated against the far wall, so hidden I always forget it, mug of coffee in front of him. He looks terrible, dark hair matted over his forehead, skin oily. Did he get drunk last night as well?
'Did you hide this from me?' I ask, waving the letter in his face, unable to stop this reaction.
'No dude, I was fucking throwing up half the day, I forgot all about it,' he answers slowly and quietly, wincing from my volume.
I deflate immediately, believing him. He's always suffered terribly from hangovers, and if I was floored yesterday it would have had him half dead. Maybe I'm jumping the gun, he might not remember what happened. Jason doesn't look up from the table, placing his hands around the coffee mug.
'It from who I think it's from?' he asks, straightening a little but still not bringing his eyes up from the table, 'I noticed it didn't have a stamp on it.'
'Yeah, it was from Joe,' I admit, leaning my ass on the counter, crossing my ankles as I sip from the coffee, hoping this looks relaxed now my anger has dissipated, 'he was asking me to hear him out, said he's not with Kevin.'
'So, uh, that's good, are you going to meet up with him?'
'I'm going to turn my cell on and see what he has to say, depends if he says anything I want to hear,' I say, reasoning it for me as well as him. I hadn't thought the day could end up with a meeting, how am I going to react if we meet face to face? At least I only have that to focus on, this with Jason going better than I could have hoped.
'Look Ben, about the other night,' he starts, making my eyes close with dread. He couldn't have just forgotten could he?
'Don't worry about it,' I interrupt, 'you were drunk, we were drunk. It's not like anything happened.'
I'm desperate for it all to be marked down to drink. This isn't the time for Jason to tell me anything which could affect our friendship. I've always had my suspicions, but I don't want them confirmed, not right now, not today. Jason looks up, hazel eyes pained but soft, but he can't stop them from sweeping over my naked torso.
'Thank you,' he offers, with such sincerity and meaning, forcing his eyes back down again, stopping them consciously.
It's what I wanted, but now he's dismissing it the same as me I feel bad. That action was his way of testing out his feelings, his wants, his needs. I shouldn't let him just bury what could be the real him, it wouldn't be fair. But at the same time should I really encourage something that could harm his future, or his family life? I stand up, walking away. I shouldn't interfere, he's a grown man, he can make his own decisions. But I remember what it was like to be confused, to feel like you're all alone. I hesitate despite myself, turning back to my troubled friend.
'Look Jason, if you ever want to talk I'd be happy to listen. I'm not saying you do, but just know the offer is there, you're my friend, you don't have to face anything alone.'
He smiles up at me weakly, nodding before staring back down to his coffee.
'Thanks, I might take you up on it. One day.'
Leaving the kitchen I turn on my cell, coffee in hand as I retrace my steps to my bedroom. That went better than I thought it would, at least I wont have to spend my day avoiding him now. I'm glad the meeting was forced on us, the longer we left it the worse it could have been, built up in both our heads.
The cell rings in my hand as I shut the door, making me jump, mouth immediately dry. Hurrying to the desk I put the coffee down so quick it sloshes over the rim onto the wood. Flipping it open I read the name that has my heart hammering, palms sweaty with nervous, anxious anticipation. Taking a deep breath I answer the call.
'Hello,' I squeak, closing my eyes instantly, grimacing at my pathetic voice.
'Ben, thank fuck, you didn't have your cell on yesterday I didn't think you got my letter.?' Comes his familiar voice, setting an ache in my chest even though I'm tenser than usual.
'Yeah, I only got it this morning,' I say, trying to act cool although I can barely control my own voice, hands practically shaking.
'Does that mean you'll meet me?' He asks, the noise of metal on metal in the background, Brandan obviously working close to him, probably listening to the conversation.
'I.. uh... I don't know, it's...' I falter, not knowing what I should do. Do I ask for an explanation over the phone, or do I see him in person and have his presence influence me?
'Please Ben, please let me talk to you. I can't do this over the phone.'
Do I believe the sincerity in his voice? Should I give him this chance, if he's not with Kevin then I would be throwing everything away over a stupid misunderstanding.
'I... I guess we could,' I offer, gripping the edge of my desk.
'I could uh... I could get a couple of hours off work this afternoon if you wanted to meet somewhere, like central park? I mean, if you want to walk away there you can.'
The idea is sound, meeting in a place where there are lots of people. Good for him so I don't make a scene, and good for me as there are lots of people that would make me feel better than just meeting one on one.
'I guess so. What time?'
'Brandan, remember when I did that late night job for you,' Joe yells, addressing his employer, 'I want the time back today.' There is a muffled reply and there is a rustling on the line as Joe obviously covers the mouth piece, not wanting me to hear what passes. 'Four any good for you?'
I think, I need a shower and some breakfast then I'll have a couple of hours to get my head straight before the meeting.
'Yeah, that's cool,' I pause, swallowing back the residual pain, 'See you then I guess, at the gates.'
'I'll be there.'
I hang up first, looking up to the ceiling, breathing deep. I just have to get through this afternoon and maybe I'll be able to make some sense of my life, of this situation. All I know is I'm going to have lots of questions to ask him, and I don't think I'll like all of the answers.
If you liked my writing then have a read.
Title Fast Eddies
Rating Mature
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter Twenty
Rolling over I groan as my head hits something hard. What the fuck? Opening my eyes I find a nearly empty bottle of vodka against my head. I remember now, Mike had been kind enough to bring me that and a bottle of diet coke, unfortunately his company hadn't been something he could offer as he had to work on a paper for today, but I'd been as content as I could be with the alcohol, a few DVD's and my laptop. I can't believe I've let myself get to this, drinking by myself in bed, without having got dressed the day before. I feel rough and probably look worse having not bothered to shave yesterday. Running a hand over my jaw I feel the bristle of stubble. There is however one up side to having not left my room, in that I haven't had to face Jason. I don't know what I'm going to do there, have played the scene over in my mind nearly as much as I have the kiss between Joe and Kevin. He said: 'I'm going to miss you too, I don't think you realise just how much.' That's something a friend would say if it weren't followed by him kissing me, that sounds like he has a crush, or even deeper feelings for me. Is it my fault, have I led him on in some way to make him think that I look on him like that? I don't think I have, having not behaved any differently to him than I have to Mike, and Mike's not trying to kiss me. Maybe Jason is just confused about his sexuality and he's displaced all of that onto me as I'm openly gay. God, I just hope it's a crush, I can't deal with the mess anything more would lead to. A crush can be got over, so long as I let him know I'll only ever see him as a friend. I should know, at school I had a crush on Iain for two years and managed to hide it well, and get over it when I knew he was straight and not interested in me in the slightest.
Fuck I just want all of these things to go away and leave me to get on with school. What am I going to do about this whole thing? I push the sleeves of the hoodie up my arms, too warm, but not wanting to take the item off. It's Joe's hoodie, the one he leant me when it was raining. It doesn't smell like him as it did last night, something I'd slipped on to pathetically comfort myself with. I can't believe I miss him so much, can't believe it hurts so much. I'm so fucking stupid, I wish I'd seen my mother sooner, had her give me the advice and applied it to this before my heart took a beating.
The door creeps open and I look up, Mike's head appearing around the door. When he sees that I'm awake he smiles, walking in, picking up the vodka bottle from beside my head and sitting on the bed.
'You drink enough of this last night?' He asks, amused.
'No, I still remember everything,' I tell him, bunching the covers around me as I sit up.
'Don't let him do this to you,' Mike sighs, 'you let him get to you and he's won. You need to get your ass into a shower, have a shave, put some clothes on and get yourself back out there. The best thing you can do is pick yourself up some hot dude and bring him home as a fuck you to that asshole.'
I know that's what I should do, and if it had been Ash who'd cheated on me it'd have been exactly what I would have done. It's not Ash though, it's Joe, I feel so much more for him than I have anyone else in my life, and this hurts worse than anything.
'I don't want to do this...' I admit, looking away, 'I just... it just hurts too much.'
Mike is silent a moment, and when I look up to see what's happening he's simply looking at me, eyes soft with understanding.
'You really, really do fucking like him don't you?' I nod, unable to hide my misery with a lie. 'Come on then dude, give me his address and I swear to God I'll go kick his ass for you. The offer still stands and I'd be glad to give him even a fraction of the pain you feel right now.'
I want to hug him. He's been so kind to me, too kind.
'No, I won't sink that low.'
'Well if you do just let me know,' he smiles, standing up and starting to walk away, vodka bottle still in his hand. Suddenly he stops, turning. 'Oh yeah, this came for you yesterday. Jason forgot to give it you.'
The envelope is thrown at me and Mike offers a last smile before leaving. I drop the letter onto the bed, not bothering to look at it. It'll probably be from my mom, or a cellphone bill or something. Turning my eyes to my alarm clock I find it the wrong side of midday. Fuck I missed class again. God I really am letting everything get fucked up aren't I? I can't do this, I can't ruin my whole future because one guy chose someone else over me.
Not wanting to tangle my thoughts with such problems I look down to the letter again. Instantly my brow furrows, I don't really recognise the handwriting and there is no stamp, which means it's been hand posted. A thought hits me and my hands work quick in ripping the envelope open, removing the sheet of paper. I think I do recognise the handwriting and it has my heart hammering. Tossing the envelope to the floor I open the folded paper, eyes eagerly devouring the words. It is from Joe, I was right.
Ben,
I feel like such an idiot, I'm sitting on your doorstep at three a.m. and I feel so fucking bad. I wanted to buzz and talk to you, but I remembered you live with Mike and the way you're feeling right now you'd probably let him kick my ass, and I didn't want to make things harder for you.
I just want you to know I came over, that I really want you to talk to me so I can explain that you've got it wrong. I'm not with Kevin, I never have been. Please, fucking please call me, or turn on your cell. I'll be calling you.
Joe x
Fuck. I read it twice over, lingering on each word, looking to see if I've missed anything, or if I'm reading into things in a way they shouldn't be interpreted, but it's straight forward. He called for me, he got my address and came all the way down here after work. He was here at three in the morning when he had work the next day. He must mean it, but how can he explain away that kiss? I know my eyes weren't playing tricks on me, but fuck, if Joe had walked in on me and Jason then a conclusion could have been reached that wasn't entirely correct. Kevin is Joe's friend, just as Jason is mine. Maybe I could have got it all wrong, maybe I'm not being entirely fair in not letting him explain.
Shit, this was delivered yesterday. Fuck. I look to the bedside table for my cell, only to find it's not there. Where the hell did I put that? An image of it on the coffee table makes me close my eyes. Dammit, now I'm going to have to go and get up and possibly bump into Jason and have a whole lot of awkwardness piled on top of my developing hangover, the second in two days. I want to hear what Joe has to say, I want to know if I'm just making everything up, or if he has broken my heart. All I know is that the possibility he wasn't cheating on me lessens the pain in my chest.
Dragging my ass out of bed I pull on my robe, not bothering to dress properly. The more I think about it, the more I start to get agitated. What if Joe wasn't cheating on me, he would have sat there all day yesterday waiting for me to call him, calling me and getting nothing but my answer phone. Jason hid this didn't he, he remembered what happened despite being fucked out of his tree and this was his petty way of getting back at me for my rejection. Fucking asshole.
Stepping out I make my way around the corner, see Stuart sitting with his laptop on the coffee table. He looks up as I pick up my cell from it.
'So you survived the night then,' he teases, and I only offer him a sour glare in return. I'm in no mood for having the shit ripped out of me by a smartass.
Ignoring him I walk straight to the kitchen. Before I brave turning my cell on I need coffee, a whole lot of fucking coffee. Walking straight over to the pot I reach up and pull my mug from the cupboard and proceed to pour out the beautiful, liquid wake up.
'Looks like you need that just as much as me,' comes a small voice from behind, making me jump.
Spinning round I find Jason slumped over the table which is situated against the far wall, so hidden I always forget it, mug of coffee in front of him. He looks terrible, dark hair matted over his forehead, skin oily. Did he get drunk last night as well?
'Did you hide this from me?' I ask, waving the letter in his face, unable to stop this reaction.
'No dude, I was fucking throwing up half the day, I forgot all about it,' he answers slowly and quietly, wincing from my volume.
I deflate immediately, believing him. He's always suffered terribly from hangovers, and if I was floored yesterday it would have had him half dead. Maybe I'm jumping the gun, he might not remember what happened. Jason doesn't look up from the table, placing his hands around the coffee mug.
'It from who I think it's from?' he asks, straightening a little but still not bringing his eyes up from the table, 'I noticed it didn't have a stamp on it.'
'Yeah, it was from Joe,' I admit, leaning my ass on the counter, crossing my ankles as I sip from the coffee, hoping this looks relaxed now my anger has dissipated, 'he was asking me to hear him out, said he's not with Kevin.'
'So, uh, that's good, are you going to meet up with him?'
'I'm going to turn my cell on and see what he has to say, depends if he says anything I want to hear,' I say, reasoning it for me as well as him. I hadn't thought the day could end up with a meeting, how am I going to react if we meet face to face? At least I only have that to focus on, this with Jason going better than I could have hoped.
'Look Ben, about the other night,' he starts, making my eyes close with dread. He couldn't have just forgotten could he?
'Don't worry about it,' I interrupt, 'you were drunk, we were drunk. It's not like anything happened.'
I'm desperate for it all to be marked down to drink. This isn't the time for Jason to tell me anything which could affect our friendship. I've always had my suspicions, but I don't want them confirmed, not right now, not today. Jason looks up, hazel eyes pained but soft, but he can't stop them from sweeping over my naked torso.
'Thank you,' he offers, with such sincerity and meaning, forcing his eyes back down again, stopping them consciously.
It's what I wanted, but now he's dismissing it the same as me I feel bad. That action was his way of testing out his feelings, his wants, his needs. I shouldn't let him just bury what could be the real him, it wouldn't be fair. But at the same time should I really encourage something that could harm his future, or his family life? I stand up, walking away. I shouldn't interfere, he's a grown man, he can make his own decisions. But I remember what it was like to be confused, to feel like you're all alone. I hesitate despite myself, turning back to my troubled friend.
'Look Jason, if you ever want to talk I'd be happy to listen. I'm not saying you do, but just know the offer is there, you're my friend, you don't have to face anything alone.'
He smiles up at me weakly, nodding before staring back down to his coffee.
'Thanks, I might take you up on it. One day.'
Leaving the kitchen I turn on my cell, coffee in hand as I retrace my steps to my bedroom. That went better than I thought it would, at least I wont have to spend my day avoiding him now. I'm glad the meeting was forced on us, the longer we left it the worse it could have been, built up in both our heads.
The cell rings in my hand as I shut the door, making me jump, mouth immediately dry. Hurrying to the desk I put the coffee down so quick it sloshes over the rim onto the wood. Flipping it open I read the name that has my heart hammering, palms sweaty with nervous, anxious anticipation. Taking a deep breath I answer the call.
'Hello,' I squeak, closing my eyes instantly, grimacing at my pathetic voice.
'Ben, thank fuck, you didn't have your cell on yesterday I didn't think you got my letter.?' Comes his familiar voice, setting an ache in my chest even though I'm tenser than usual.
'Yeah, I only got it this morning,' I say, trying to act cool although I can barely control my own voice, hands practically shaking.
'Does that mean you'll meet me?' He asks, the noise of metal on metal in the background, Brandan obviously working close to him, probably listening to the conversation.
'I.. uh... I don't know, it's...' I falter, not knowing what I should do. Do I ask for an explanation over the phone, or do I see him in person and have his presence influence me?
'Please Ben, please let me talk to you. I can't do this over the phone.'
Do I believe the sincerity in his voice? Should I give him this chance, if he's not with Kevin then I would be throwing everything away over a stupid misunderstanding.
'I... I guess we could,' I offer, gripping the edge of my desk.
'I could uh... I could get a couple of hours off work this afternoon if you wanted to meet somewhere, like central park? I mean, if you want to walk away there you can.'
The idea is sound, meeting in a place where there are lots of people. Good for him so I don't make a scene, and good for me as there are lots of people that would make me feel better than just meeting one on one.
'I guess so. What time?'
'Brandan, remember when I did that late night job for you,' Joe yells, addressing his employer, 'I want the time back today.' There is a muffled reply and there is a rustling on the line as Joe obviously covers the mouth piece, not wanting me to hear what passes. 'Four any good for you?'
I think, I need a shower and some breakfast then I'll have a couple of hours to get my head straight before the meeting.
'Yeah, that's cool,' I pause, swallowing back the residual pain, 'See you then I guess, at the gates.'
'I'll be there.'
I hang up first, looking up to the ceiling, breathing deep. I just have to get through this afternoon and maybe I'll be able to make some sense of my life, of this situation. All I know is I'm going to have lots of questions to ask him, and I don't think I'll like all of the answers.