What if... - Chapter four
“Teukie hyung?”
“…”
Jinki pulled his cellphone away from his ear and looked at the screen, making sure the call had indeed connected. He saw the name flashing on the screen, and the little clock indicating him the call was lasting eleven seconds and counting. He put the phone next to his ear again, and swore he could hear someone’s voice in the background. He frowned, and wondered how come Leeteuk wasn’t answering him.
“Teu- ah!” He yelped as a loud sound came through the speaker, as if Leeteuk had dropped his phone. Then it clicked that he had been in a coma for a year. And he had woken up earlier that day, so his far cousin probably didn’t know he was awake yet…
He could hear Kangin hyung’s voice in the background, asking Leeteuk what was wrong, and not short after, a very loud yell, and then the phone was picked up again.
“Oh my gosh Jinki is that you?!”
“Uh, yeah, hyu-”
“Oh my god! It is you!! When did you wake up from your coma?! Why didn’t anyone tell me?! Are you still in the hospital?!?!?!”
“Teukie hyung, calm dow-”
“Just wait there, I’ll get to the hospital in five minutes!!”
Jinki’s mouth hang slightly agape in amazement at how fast and loud Leeteuk could talk. He heard him yelling at Kangin to get the car keys and move his butt, and then they hang up the phone. He let out a heavy sigh; hanging up his phone too and putting it on the night stand again. He flopped back on the bed with a ‘thud’, closing his eyes and thinking on exactly how he could tell Leeteuk all he wanted to. He didn’t even know if the older one would be willing to cooperate with his plans, even though he did always baby him since he was little, and him and his parents used to go visit Leeteuk’s house…
He smiled a little at the memories of his hyung pushing him on the swings and arguing with Kangin, who was his childhood friend at that time. If he ever fell or got a scratch somewhere, Leeteuk would act more like an overprotective mother than his actual mom. Then Leeteuk’s parents would call them in to eat pastries, and…
He raised his arm, covering his eyes with the back of his hand. He could feel the salty drops of water trailing down his cheeks, and his upper body was shaking with the sobs escaping his lips. It had been a long time since they went visiting Leeteuk’s house, but he had always kept in contact with him. The day of the accident, he could recall his parents talking about visiting them when Jinki had vacations. He remembered his mother saying something, then his dad, who was driving, turned to smile at her. And then nothing. Just loud noises, bright lights... He couldn’t remember. But all still seemed so… unfair. How he had managed to survive, even though he had lost a while year of his life, and yet his parents, who had done nothing wrong, didn’t get that chance.
He rolled on the bed, rubbing at his teary eyes, willing them to stop, and trying to subdue the head-splitting pain that was coming back. If what Leeteuk said was true, he had to calm down quickly, or else he would find him with red, puffy eyes. And the other already had enough in one day with knowing he had woken up because Jinki himself called. He got up and went into the bathroom, turning on the faucet and letting the water run for a few seconds, before putting his hands under it and splashing his face. The water was cold, and it felt good on his sore eyes.
He looked up, and caught his own reflection in a small mirror. He still looked like the same person he had remembered. Maybe he had grown a little taller, maybe a little thinner. But he was still the same. It seemed so unreal, than he had actually been in a coma for a while year, and yet he hadn’t changed at all.
His eyes didn’t look so red anymore, and he could easily believe he hadn’t been crying just a few minutes ago. He walked back into his room, sat on his bed, and just stared at an empty spot in the wall, not sure of what he should be doing. He ran a hand through his hair, frowning at the familiar yet strange feeling. His hair was shorter, if anything. But it still felt weird. Maybe it was because he hadn’t done that in a year. He sighed. Everything seemed the same, yet it all felt different. His head was starting to hurt now…
He looked at the hour flashing on the screen of his cellphone. 8:17. He had called Leeteuk at around 8:10. He should be arriving any second now. He knew his cousin and, when he said something, he always meant it entirely, as crazy as it sounded.
He closed his eyes, and was about to doze off, when he started to hear the sound of running footsteps echoing through the hospital halls. At first he thought it was some doctor or nurse heading over to an emergency of sorts, but then the footsteps got closer and closer, seemingly heading towards his room. He had been gradually straightening up, and now he was fully seated, staring at the door with slight anticipation. The footsteps finally stopped, and like he had predicted, they did so in front of his door.
The door was soon banged open, and Jinki had to wonder if no one could enter his room in a more normal way.
“Jinki!!!”
He didn’t really have time to respond this time either, before Leeteuk had sprinted all the way through the room and in front obed, and pulled him into a bone-crushing hug that left him breathless. He couldn’t really complain, since he guessed his hyung would have been really worried, but still, it was starting to get painful, and he could picture his face going blue with the lack of oxygen.
“Ohmygoshyou’reactuallyawakeareyouokayareyoufeelingfineIcan’tbelievethisishappeningand- Ow!!”
“Will you please stop overreacting? You’re suffocating the poor kid!”
“But Kanggie…!”
“No buts. Hey there kiddo. How are you feeling?”
Jinki took a deep breath of air as soon as Leeteuk’s arms were removed from around him by a pretty forceful Kangin. He smiled sheepishly at them both, silently thanking Kangin for saving him from the clutches of his over protective cousin. He then nodded rapidly assuring them he was fine, wondering how he could ask Kangin to leave for a moment so he could talk alone with Leeteuk.
He didn’t think about it for too long though, since his thoughts sort of paralyzed when he registered what was in front of him. Leeteuk was rubbing at his eyes while his body shook with what seemed like small sobs, and then all Jinki could think of was ‘He’s crying.’
Kangin had put his arm around Leeteuk, rubbing his back comfortingly hoping he would calm down a little. Jinki just stood up and put his arms around his cousin, who almost immediately broke down into hysteric tears, hugging him tightly, almost like he still thought the smaller male could disappear at any moment if he didn’t hold on tight enough. Kangin smiled at the scene, putting his arms around both crying males, and for that moment, all of Jinki’s worries disappeared at once, and he somehow knew that everything would be okay. He knew he’d be safe. And knowing that everyone was there for him, not only his friends, was something he had really needed to know to get through it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“...I see”
“Well, it might not work, but... I’d really like to try... Um, not like I’m trying to force you to do it, but-”
“Jinki,” Leeteuk interrupted him by raising a finger, “You don’t have to worry about everything, okay? I’m actually quite amazed you’re going through this on your own, why didn’t you tell your friends if they were here before?”
“I just didn’t want to cause anymore troubles for them...”
Leeteuk sighed and put an arm around Jinki’s shoulders, massaging the crook of his neck slightly, comforting the boy, who needed it, but yet refused to show it to others.
“You’re not causing troubles for anyone, okay? We all want to help you and be there for you, because we love you. So stop trying to take the weight of the whole world on your shoulders and let us carry a bit of it. We’ll all just feel worse if we watch you struggle and suffer, so just do me that one favor. Please?”
Jinki nodded while blinking his eyes quickly, trying to keep the tears threatening to fall down his cheeks at bay. He just felt so lucky to have all these wonderful people that wanted to help him, and Leeteuk was right when he said he was trying to take it all on his own. Maybe he couldn’t. He couldn’t. And he had to let others help him, or else he’d just end up breaking down into something irreparable.
“Thank you, hyung.”
“Don’t worry about it. Oh, and about that idea of yours, I’m perfectly fine with it. We can try, if you really want to.”
“Are you sure?”
Leeteuk just nodded, then stood up to go call Kangin, who had been waiting outside all that time.
“I’ll talk with that Eunmi person, just give me her card at some point today. You should concentrate on getting discharged nicely, and trying to get over what’s happened.”
“...Thank you.”
“You’re not going to complain about it?”
“I’m letting you carry a part of my burden, hyung.”
Leeteuk smiled and ruffled his hair in a playful demeanor, then opened the door to find Kangin drinking something that looked like canned coffee.
“Kanggie, you can go home already. I’m staying the night here with Jinki, so you go back to take care of the apartment, and you know who.”
“You sure you can stay here? Don’t you have to go to work tomorrow?”
“Work can wait! This is my baby cousin we’re talking about!”
“Okay, okay, don’t yell at me...” Kangin said as he raised his arms in a defensive manner, taking a few steps back from Leeteuk. “I’ll be going then. Take care, kiddo.” He said, then turned around and headed for the closest elevator so he could get to the underground parking.
Leeteuk closed the door and turned back to Jinki, pushing him so he was laying down on the bed, then covering him with the sheets.
“You should get some rest. Try to sleep a little, while I talk with the receptionist and let her know I’m spending the night here.”
“But-”
“You’re letting me carry part of your burden, aren’t you?”
Leeteuk left before Jinki could complain any further, and he was left alone to heave a sigh and roll onto his side, curling slightly into a ball. He closed his eyes, trying to not think. If he started thinking, he’d either end up crying again, or render himself unable to sleep. He instead concentrated on his friends, who would come see him tomorrow. On Leeteuk, who was going to stay the night with him. On his discharge, which would be in a couple of days, and would mark the beginning of life as he remembered it. His eyes felt heavier and heavier the more he calmed down, until he gave in, slipping into the real of dreams.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When Jinki felt consciousness slowly returning to him, he whimpered while covering his eyes, the sunlight was too bright, and he just wanted to go back to sleep.
“You’re finally awake?”
He barely opened his eyes, blinking rapidly to try to force them to get accustomed to the light. The blurry silhouette in front of him slowly turned into Leeteuk, who was sitting next to his bed on the cushioned chair meant for visits. Or maybe for patients who could get off bed. It didn’t really matter anyway.
“...What time is it...?” Jinki asked as a yawn escaped him, and he sat up sleepily on his bed, rubbing the sleep off his honey eyes. He just remembered falling asleep before Leeteuk returned, but that had been in the afternoon... Had he really slept that much?
“Hmm... It should be around seven in the morning. See, I told you you needed some sleep.”
Jinki just yawned again, stretching his arms over his head and arching his back, earning a few cracks from his bones. He wished he was like those people in movies or books, who woke up and could enjoy a few moments of ignorance before it all came crashing back to them. But he could remember perfectly. His parents were dead, he had been in a coma for a year. It was still strange to think or say it, but it was true. And if he denied it, it would just be harder to eventually get used to it.
“Want me to bring you some breakfast?”
Jinki looked up at his cousin, frowning slightly at the offer. “I should go, I’m fine enough to walk, really...”
He was about to stand up, but Leeteuk eagerly pushed him back down, preventing him from getting off the bed.
“You said you’d let me help you. Now, deal with the consequences. I’ll get you something, so just wait here, and don’t get up, or else I’m tying you down to the bed.”
And with that threat, he was gone. Jinki had to wonder how come there was always someone with him, and yet he always had to spend some time alone. Be it having to talk to someone about legal affairs, waiting for Leeteuk to get there, now having his cousin act as some kind of butler... He sighed, he didn’t really want to think about it, or else he’d start feeling like a burden again. And he’d already promised -somewhat- Leeteuk that he’d let them help. So he just waited.
When he had counted the dirty spots on the walls and roof, he was starting to wonder if he’d die out of boredom before Leeteuk made it back. He needed to do something, or else he’d start thinking, and that would be bad. Very bad. He didn’t want to end up crying again, not with his cousin there. He had agreed to be helped, but that didn’t mean he could worry everyone even more, and that meant keeping a straight face, his smile pasted on, and not thinking.
“I’m back!” Leeteuk cheerfully announced, as he pushed the door he had left ajar open with his back, carrying to trays of food in his hands. “There were pancakes, and I remembered you used to love them when we were little, so I brought you some... Oh, but if you don’t want them, you can take the toasts.”
Jinki smiled at him; surprised he could still remember his tastes even though they hadn’t met in so long. They only spoke through the phone or internet, and yet he was so attentive...
“It’s okay, I still like pancakes,” He said, as he took a tray from Leeteuk’s hands. His cousin just smiled and sat on the chair, spreading margarine and marmalade on his toasts. Jinki grabbed his fork and knife, and started into his breakfast, enjoying the comfortable silence that reigned over them as they both ate.
“Oh, I talked to the adoption lady while you were sleeping.”
Jinki stopped chewing for a second, almost choking on his food, but he managed to hide it -sort of- with a cough. He looked at Leeteuk, a quizzical expression already set on his eyes.
“You spoke with her?”
“Yup. Said it was okay, since I’m 24 and all, so I should be perfectly capable of taking care of my little cousin.”
“But...”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got it all sorted out. I’ll leave in a while to go check on your house and talk with Eunmi-sshi some more, and then I’ll come back, but that will probably be at night. Your friends will be here after school, right? Then I don’t have to worry about you being alone for so long... What time did school finish again...?”
Jinki could only gape like a fish out of water as Leeteuk continued with his rambling, trying to digest everything he was being told.
Everything was sorted out, just that easily... It seemed hard to believe. Had Leeteuk really done all of that for him...?
“Jinki? Jinki?? Earth calling Jinki?”
“Uh, huh? Sorry, I spaced out for a moment there... Were you saying something?” Jinki smiled apologetically at the older one, managing to utter something coherent despite his internal conflict on whether thanking Leeteuk a million times, or scolding him for actually taking care of everything when it had been him the one who had asked in the first place.
“I was asking you when school finished. Do you remember?”
“Three in the afternoon.” Jinki answered automatically, he really didn’t feel like he had been missing school for over a year... He could still remember absolutely everything as if he had gone yesterday -but then again, it felt as if he had gone the day before-. He remembered where the classrooms and cafeteria were, the places where you wouldn’t be bothered by bullies, the names of everyone in his class and of his teachers, even his timetable, what they had been studying, and which teachers were more prone to get angry when you pointed out their mistakes...
“Okay, so I’ll leave in an hour or so, which leaves you... seven hours of utter boredom... Okay, so maybe I should go later... But then I may not have time to finish...”
Jinki sighed; glad Leeteuk’s voice had broken him out of his trail of thoughts. If he had thought longer about school, he might have gotten depressed over it. He missed going to classes with everyone, then splitting up with Taemin and Minho, and walking Jjong and Kibum to their class before finally getting to his. But, now that he thought about it, that was about to change, since he had lost a year... That meant he was going to be in Jonghyun and Key’s class now...
“Jinki? Would you mind it if I left right now? I know you’ll be alone for a long time, but...”
“Huh? Oh, don’t worry about it, I’m fine! I’m perfectly fine, so just go do whatever you need to. I’ll find something to entertain myself with.”
Leeteuk nodded, albeit reluctantly, he still didn’t like the idea of leaving Jinki alone for so long, but... There were things that needed to be done before Jinki was discharged and free to go back home. And to accomplish that, he needed every second of free time he could muster.
“Okay, I’m sorry for leaving you alone... I’ll be going now, so don’t get up of bed. I’ve talked to the nurses so they’ll let me know if you did.”
Jinki didn’t know if he should laugh at his cousin’s antics or be scared that he was starting to resemble Kibum when he was in overprotective-parent-mode with Taemin. In the end he decided to just shrug it off though, and wave goodbye to the retreating form of his cousin. He did wonder what was so important for him to do, but he was mostly glad the other was doing it rather than staying with him. He was already causing enough troubles.
He just finished eating the pancakes on his tray, then drank the orange juice, and left the tray on the nightstand, guessing Leeteuk would have talked with the nurses to take it away too. He felt back for not doing it himself, but he was more scared of the consequences that would come if his cousin found out he had gotten out of bed.
It wasn’t long before someone knocked on the door, and a nurse walked in to take away the empty trays of food. She also asked Jinki how he was feeling, took his temperature, and gave him some aspirins for his persisting headache. Then she scribbled something onto the clipboard hanging from his bed, and left.
Minutes flew by, and Jinki found himself staring through the window, not really looking at the small inside garden the hospital had, neither at the light blue sky, or at the randomly shaped, puffy clouds. He wasn’t really looking at anything, just staring at an empty point in space, thinking. Now that he was alone, he could catch up emotionally with everything that had happened. He knew he would end up crying some more, screaming into his pillow, but if he did it now, he wouldn’t have to show that side of him to the others. And that was something he wanted to avoid at all costs.
He ended up suffering for the same reasons all over again. Why were his parents dead, why was he the only one who survived? Why had he lost a year of his life? Had he ever done anything to deserve it? Had his parents done anything that made them deserve death? What was he going to do from now on...? All these questions he couldn’t really answer were flooding his brain, the headache crashing it all down and mixing up the pieces of his unfinished thoughts, even though he had taken those aspirins. He felt horrible, both physically and emotionally, so he just laid there, curled into the ball, turning his back to everything, and crying silently into the pillow, hoping it could all just disappear.
After a few minutes of this, the sound of something vibrating inside his nightstand caught his attention. He ignored it at first, but then decided anything was better that wallowing in self-pity for a second longer. Maybe whatever it was would get him distracted.
He opened the drawer and fished his phone out, flipping it open to see the screen flashing with a ‘You have a new message’ alert. He opened it, frowning when he read who had sent it to him.
‘Shouldn’t he be at class...?’ He thought, reading the small text that was written below the ‘From: Jjong’
‘Are you awake yet?
I noticed you grabbing your cellphone that time you fell, so I decided I should try to text you.
I’m not sure if the cellphone itself will still be functional though, so answer me if you get this’
Jinki smiled at the screen, pressing the ‘Reply’ button before starting to write a message. He was glad he could talk with someone at that moment, even though he wouldn’t allow himself to tell him about the tears that were still streaming silently down his face. It was relieving to know he still had someone there for him in case he needed help standing back up.
‘I’ve been awake for a while.
Why aren’t you at school? You’re going to be late.’
‘I’m texting you from class. The literature teacher is still as clueless as ever.
Are you okay all on your own?’
Jinki smiled a little at Jonghyun’s way of thinking, which was almost the same than Leeteuk’s. It’s not as if he was going to jump out the window if he was left alone or something... Okay, so he had a little of an emotional breakdown, but that was because he had wanted to.
Oh great, now he sounded like a masochist...
‘I’m fine. Pay attention to class.’
‘Literature is boring. I can write better songs poems than what we’re studying.
Have you eaten anything?’
Jinki laughed this time; Jjong had always had this thing for writing lyrics and singing them even in his sleep. He was indeed quite good at it, and also quite good at literature, especially when it was poems rather than books, but he still got barely passable marks because of his lack of interest and enthusiasm.
‘If you’re so good at it, try getting higher marks.
My cousin was here until a moment ago, he brought me breakfast.’
‘I don’t want to give that satisfaction to my parents after they made me quit playing bass in that band.
Leeteuk was there?’
‘They did it because of your low marks.
He came yesterday, a while after you guys left.’
‘...Shut up. Classes are boring anyways. I couldn’t pay attention even if I tried.
Why did he leave you alone, anyways? Is he coming back?’
Jinki pressed the buttons of his cellphone quickly, not really noticing the tears that were cascading from his eyes had stopped at some point of his conversation with Jonghyun. A smile had replaced them, placed naturally on his lips; a reaction to the memories that came flooding back into him as he talked with his friend about school.
‘Make me. How can you know if you never try???
He said he had some urgent stuff he had to do. He’s not coming back until nighttime.’
‘I would if I was there. And I know absolutely everything’
‘I’m not answering your texts anymore. Pay attention to your class!!’
‘Party pooper. Can I at lest text you during recess?’
‘Will you pay attention to class if I say yes?’
‘...Perhaps’
Jinki dropped his cellphone on the bed beside him, waiting for what he knew was coming. After a few minutes, it vibrated again, showing the message alert he had predicted. He flipped it open, reading what Jonghyun sent him that time.
‘Okay, okay, I will, I promise’
He smiled at how easy to predict the other was, he really hadn’t changed at all in that year. And that somehow made him happy, even though he used to wish Jjong would mature everyday. Maybe it was because, deep down, he liked his friend for the dorky person he was, and for how his cheerfulness and childishness would rub onto him so easily when they were together. And that was something he never wanted to change.
‘Fine then. Now pay attention to class’
He sent the text and flipped his phone shut, leaving it at the nightstand so it would be easy to reach once literature class was over. Knowing Jonghyun, he would say he meant the ten minutes they had after each class to get to the next one by recess, so it wouldn’t be that long before he heard the vibrating sound again.
And, to be quite honest, he didn’t mind. He was in a remarkably good mood after talking with Jonghyun, even if it had been about such small and meaningless things. He guessed the people who said ‘happiness is in the little things’ was right. And, right now, he really needed to feel happy, even if it was just a moment. Because, when everything came crashing down again, he would need something to hold onto.
“…”
Jinki pulled his cellphone away from his ear and looked at the screen, making sure the call had indeed connected. He saw the name flashing on the screen, and the little clock indicating him the call was lasting eleven seconds and counting. He put the phone next to his ear again, and swore he could hear someone’s voice in the background. He frowned, and wondered how come Leeteuk wasn’t answering him.
“Teu- ah!” He yelped as a loud sound came through the speaker, as if Leeteuk had dropped his phone. Then it clicked that he had been in a coma for a year. And he had woken up earlier that day, so his far cousin probably didn’t know he was awake yet…
He could hear Kangin hyung’s voice in the background, asking Leeteuk what was wrong, and not short after, a very loud yell, and then the phone was picked up again.
“Oh my gosh Jinki is that you?!”
“Uh, yeah, hyu-”
“Oh my god! It is you!! When did you wake up from your coma?! Why didn’t anyone tell me?! Are you still in the hospital?!?!?!”
“Teukie hyung, calm dow-”
“Just wait there, I’ll get to the hospital in five minutes!!”
Jinki’s mouth hang slightly agape in amazement at how fast and loud Leeteuk could talk. He heard him yelling at Kangin to get the car keys and move his butt, and then they hang up the phone. He let out a heavy sigh; hanging up his phone too and putting it on the night stand again. He flopped back on the bed with a ‘thud’, closing his eyes and thinking on exactly how he could tell Leeteuk all he wanted to. He didn’t even know if the older one would be willing to cooperate with his plans, even though he did always baby him since he was little, and him and his parents used to go visit Leeteuk’s house…
He smiled a little at the memories of his hyung pushing him on the swings and arguing with Kangin, who was his childhood friend at that time. If he ever fell or got a scratch somewhere, Leeteuk would act more like an overprotective mother than his actual mom. Then Leeteuk’s parents would call them in to eat pastries, and…
He raised his arm, covering his eyes with the back of his hand. He could feel the salty drops of water trailing down his cheeks, and his upper body was shaking with the sobs escaping his lips. It had been a long time since they went visiting Leeteuk’s house, but he had always kept in contact with him. The day of the accident, he could recall his parents talking about visiting them when Jinki had vacations. He remembered his mother saying something, then his dad, who was driving, turned to smile at her. And then nothing. Just loud noises, bright lights... He couldn’t remember. But all still seemed so… unfair. How he had managed to survive, even though he had lost a while year of his life, and yet his parents, who had done nothing wrong, didn’t get that chance.
He rolled on the bed, rubbing at his teary eyes, willing them to stop, and trying to subdue the head-splitting pain that was coming back. If what Leeteuk said was true, he had to calm down quickly, or else he would find him with red, puffy eyes. And the other already had enough in one day with knowing he had woken up because Jinki himself called. He got up and went into the bathroom, turning on the faucet and letting the water run for a few seconds, before putting his hands under it and splashing his face. The water was cold, and it felt good on his sore eyes.
He looked up, and caught his own reflection in a small mirror. He still looked like the same person he had remembered. Maybe he had grown a little taller, maybe a little thinner. But he was still the same. It seemed so unreal, than he had actually been in a coma for a while year, and yet he hadn’t changed at all.
His eyes didn’t look so red anymore, and he could easily believe he hadn’t been crying just a few minutes ago. He walked back into his room, sat on his bed, and just stared at an empty spot in the wall, not sure of what he should be doing. He ran a hand through his hair, frowning at the familiar yet strange feeling. His hair was shorter, if anything. But it still felt weird. Maybe it was because he hadn’t done that in a year. He sighed. Everything seemed the same, yet it all felt different. His head was starting to hurt now…
He looked at the hour flashing on the screen of his cellphone. 8:17. He had called Leeteuk at around 8:10. He should be arriving any second now. He knew his cousin and, when he said something, he always meant it entirely, as crazy as it sounded.
He closed his eyes, and was about to doze off, when he started to hear the sound of running footsteps echoing through the hospital halls. At first he thought it was some doctor or nurse heading over to an emergency of sorts, but then the footsteps got closer and closer, seemingly heading towards his room. He had been gradually straightening up, and now he was fully seated, staring at the door with slight anticipation. The footsteps finally stopped, and like he had predicted, they did so in front of his door.
The door was soon banged open, and Jinki had to wonder if no one could enter his room in a more normal way.
“Jinki!!!”
He didn’t really have time to respond this time either, before Leeteuk had sprinted all the way through the room and in front obed, and pulled him into a bone-crushing hug that left him breathless. He couldn’t really complain, since he guessed his hyung would have been really worried, but still, it was starting to get painful, and he could picture his face going blue with the lack of oxygen.
“Ohmygoshyou’reactuallyawakeareyouokayareyoufeelingfineIcan’tbelievethisishappeningand- Ow!!”
“Will you please stop overreacting? You’re suffocating the poor kid!”
“But Kanggie…!”
“No buts. Hey there kiddo. How are you feeling?”
Jinki took a deep breath of air as soon as Leeteuk’s arms were removed from around him by a pretty forceful Kangin. He smiled sheepishly at them both, silently thanking Kangin for saving him from the clutches of his over protective cousin. He then nodded rapidly assuring them he was fine, wondering how he could ask Kangin to leave for a moment so he could talk alone with Leeteuk.
He didn’t think about it for too long though, since his thoughts sort of paralyzed when he registered what was in front of him. Leeteuk was rubbing at his eyes while his body shook with what seemed like small sobs, and then all Jinki could think of was ‘He’s crying.’
Kangin had put his arm around Leeteuk, rubbing his back comfortingly hoping he would calm down a little. Jinki just stood up and put his arms around his cousin, who almost immediately broke down into hysteric tears, hugging him tightly, almost like he still thought the smaller male could disappear at any moment if he didn’t hold on tight enough. Kangin smiled at the scene, putting his arms around both crying males, and for that moment, all of Jinki’s worries disappeared at once, and he somehow knew that everything would be okay. He knew he’d be safe. And knowing that everyone was there for him, not only his friends, was something he had really needed to know to get through it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“...I see”
“Well, it might not work, but... I’d really like to try... Um, not like I’m trying to force you to do it, but-”
“Jinki,” Leeteuk interrupted him by raising a finger, “You don’t have to worry about everything, okay? I’m actually quite amazed you’re going through this on your own, why didn’t you tell your friends if they were here before?”
“I just didn’t want to cause anymore troubles for them...”
Leeteuk sighed and put an arm around Jinki’s shoulders, massaging the crook of his neck slightly, comforting the boy, who needed it, but yet refused to show it to others.
“You’re not causing troubles for anyone, okay? We all want to help you and be there for you, because we love you. So stop trying to take the weight of the whole world on your shoulders and let us carry a bit of it. We’ll all just feel worse if we watch you struggle and suffer, so just do me that one favor. Please?”
Jinki nodded while blinking his eyes quickly, trying to keep the tears threatening to fall down his cheeks at bay. He just felt so lucky to have all these wonderful people that wanted to help him, and Leeteuk was right when he said he was trying to take it all on his own. Maybe he couldn’t. He couldn’t. And he had to let others help him, or else he’d just end up breaking down into something irreparable.
“Thank you, hyung.”
“Don’t worry about it. Oh, and about that idea of yours, I’m perfectly fine with it. We can try, if you really want to.”
“Are you sure?”
Leeteuk just nodded, then stood up to go call Kangin, who had been waiting outside all that time.
“I’ll talk with that Eunmi person, just give me her card at some point today. You should concentrate on getting discharged nicely, and trying to get over what’s happened.”
“...Thank you.”
“You’re not going to complain about it?”
“I’m letting you carry a part of my burden, hyung.”
Leeteuk smiled and ruffled his hair in a playful demeanor, then opened the door to find Kangin drinking something that looked like canned coffee.
“Kanggie, you can go home already. I’m staying the night here with Jinki, so you go back to take care of the apartment, and you know who.”
“You sure you can stay here? Don’t you have to go to work tomorrow?”
“Work can wait! This is my baby cousin we’re talking about!”
“Okay, okay, don’t yell at me...” Kangin said as he raised his arms in a defensive manner, taking a few steps back from Leeteuk. “I’ll be going then. Take care, kiddo.” He said, then turned around and headed for the closest elevator so he could get to the underground parking.
Leeteuk closed the door and turned back to Jinki, pushing him so he was laying down on the bed, then covering him with the sheets.
“You should get some rest. Try to sleep a little, while I talk with the receptionist and let her know I’m spending the night here.”
“But-”
“You’re letting me carry part of your burden, aren’t you?”
Leeteuk left before Jinki could complain any further, and he was left alone to heave a sigh and roll onto his side, curling slightly into a ball. He closed his eyes, trying to not think. If he started thinking, he’d either end up crying again, or render himself unable to sleep. He instead concentrated on his friends, who would come see him tomorrow. On Leeteuk, who was going to stay the night with him. On his discharge, which would be in a couple of days, and would mark the beginning of life as he remembered it. His eyes felt heavier and heavier the more he calmed down, until he gave in, slipping into the real of dreams.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When Jinki felt consciousness slowly returning to him, he whimpered while covering his eyes, the sunlight was too bright, and he just wanted to go back to sleep.
“You’re finally awake?”
He barely opened his eyes, blinking rapidly to try to force them to get accustomed to the light. The blurry silhouette in front of him slowly turned into Leeteuk, who was sitting next to his bed on the cushioned chair meant for visits. Or maybe for patients who could get off bed. It didn’t really matter anyway.
“...What time is it...?” Jinki asked as a yawn escaped him, and he sat up sleepily on his bed, rubbing the sleep off his honey eyes. He just remembered falling asleep before Leeteuk returned, but that had been in the afternoon... Had he really slept that much?
“Hmm... It should be around seven in the morning. See, I told you you needed some sleep.”
Jinki just yawned again, stretching his arms over his head and arching his back, earning a few cracks from his bones. He wished he was like those people in movies or books, who woke up and could enjoy a few moments of ignorance before it all came crashing back to them. But he could remember perfectly. His parents were dead, he had been in a coma for a year. It was still strange to think or say it, but it was true. And if he denied it, it would just be harder to eventually get used to it.
“Want me to bring you some breakfast?”
Jinki looked up at his cousin, frowning slightly at the offer. “I should go, I’m fine enough to walk, really...”
He was about to stand up, but Leeteuk eagerly pushed him back down, preventing him from getting off the bed.
“You said you’d let me help you. Now, deal with the consequences. I’ll get you something, so just wait here, and don’t get up, or else I’m tying you down to the bed.”
And with that threat, he was gone. Jinki had to wonder how come there was always someone with him, and yet he always had to spend some time alone. Be it having to talk to someone about legal affairs, waiting for Leeteuk to get there, now having his cousin act as some kind of butler... He sighed, he didn’t really want to think about it, or else he’d start feeling like a burden again. And he’d already promised -somewhat- Leeteuk that he’d let them help. So he just waited.
When he had counted the dirty spots on the walls and roof, he was starting to wonder if he’d die out of boredom before Leeteuk made it back. He needed to do something, or else he’d start thinking, and that would be bad. Very bad. He didn’t want to end up crying again, not with his cousin there. He had agreed to be helped, but that didn’t mean he could worry everyone even more, and that meant keeping a straight face, his smile pasted on, and not thinking.
“I’m back!” Leeteuk cheerfully announced, as he pushed the door he had left ajar open with his back, carrying to trays of food in his hands. “There were pancakes, and I remembered you used to love them when we were little, so I brought you some... Oh, but if you don’t want them, you can take the toasts.”
Jinki smiled at him; surprised he could still remember his tastes even though they hadn’t met in so long. They only spoke through the phone or internet, and yet he was so attentive...
“It’s okay, I still like pancakes,” He said, as he took a tray from Leeteuk’s hands. His cousin just smiled and sat on the chair, spreading margarine and marmalade on his toasts. Jinki grabbed his fork and knife, and started into his breakfast, enjoying the comfortable silence that reigned over them as they both ate.
“Oh, I talked to the adoption lady while you were sleeping.”
Jinki stopped chewing for a second, almost choking on his food, but he managed to hide it -sort of- with a cough. He looked at Leeteuk, a quizzical expression already set on his eyes.
“You spoke with her?”
“Yup. Said it was okay, since I’m 24 and all, so I should be perfectly capable of taking care of my little cousin.”
“But...”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got it all sorted out. I’ll leave in a while to go check on your house and talk with Eunmi-sshi some more, and then I’ll come back, but that will probably be at night. Your friends will be here after school, right? Then I don’t have to worry about you being alone for so long... What time did school finish again...?”
Jinki could only gape like a fish out of water as Leeteuk continued with his rambling, trying to digest everything he was being told.
Everything was sorted out, just that easily... It seemed hard to believe. Had Leeteuk really done all of that for him...?
“Jinki? Jinki?? Earth calling Jinki?”
“Uh, huh? Sorry, I spaced out for a moment there... Were you saying something?” Jinki smiled apologetically at the older one, managing to utter something coherent despite his internal conflict on whether thanking Leeteuk a million times, or scolding him for actually taking care of everything when it had been him the one who had asked in the first place.
“I was asking you when school finished. Do you remember?”
“Three in the afternoon.” Jinki answered automatically, he really didn’t feel like he had been missing school for over a year... He could still remember absolutely everything as if he had gone yesterday -but then again, it felt as if he had gone the day before-. He remembered where the classrooms and cafeteria were, the places where you wouldn’t be bothered by bullies, the names of everyone in his class and of his teachers, even his timetable, what they had been studying, and which teachers were more prone to get angry when you pointed out their mistakes...
“Okay, so I’ll leave in an hour or so, which leaves you... seven hours of utter boredom... Okay, so maybe I should go later... But then I may not have time to finish...”
Jinki sighed; glad Leeteuk’s voice had broken him out of his trail of thoughts. If he had thought longer about school, he might have gotten depressed over it. He missed going to classes with everyone, then splitting up with Taemin and Minho, and walking Jjong and Kibum to their class before finally getting to his. But, now that he thought about it, that was about to change, since he had lost a year... That meant he was going to be in Jonghyun and Key’s class now...
“Jinki? Would you mind it if I left right now? I know you’ll be alone for a long time, but...”
“Huh? Oh, don’t worry about it, I’m fine! I’m perfectly fine, so just go do whatever you need to. I’ll find something to entertain myself with.”
Leeteuk nodded, albeit reluctantly, he still didn’t like the idea of leaving Jinki alone for so long, but... There were things that needed to be done before Jinki was discharged and free to go back home. And to accomplish that, he needed every second of free time he could muster.
“Okay, I’m sorry for leaving you alone... I’ll be going now, so don’t get up of bed. I’ve talked to the nurses so they’ll let me know if you did.”
Jinki didn’t know if he should laugh at his cousin’s antics or be scared that he was starting to resemble Kibum when he was in overprotective-parent-mode with Taemin. In the end he decided to just shrug it off though, and wave goodbye to the retreating form of his cousin. He did wonder what was so important for him to do, but he was mostly glad the other was doing it rather than staying with him. He was already causing enough troubles.
He just finished eating the pancakes on his tray, then drank the orange juice, and left the tray on the nightstand, guessing Leeteuk would have talked with the nurses to take it away too. He felt back for not doing it himself, but he was more scared of the consequences that would come if his cousin found out he had gotten out of bed.
It wasn’t long before someone knocked on the door, and a nurse walked in to take away the empty trays of food. She also asked Jinki how he was feeling, took his temperature, and gave him some aspirins for his persisting headache. Then she scribbled something onto the clipboard hanging from his bed, and left.
Minutes flew by, and Jinki found himself staring through the window, not really looking at the small inside garden the hospital had, neither at the light blue sky, or at the randomly shaped, puffy clouds. He wasn’t really looking at anything, just staring at an empty point in space, thinking. Now that he was alone, he could catch up emotionally with everything that had happened. He knew he would end up crying some more, screaming into his pillow, but if he did it now, he wouldn’t have to show that side of him to the others. And that was something he wanted to avoid at all costs.
He ended up suffering for the same reasons all over again. Why were his parents dead, why was he the only one who survived? Why had he lost a year of his life? Had he ever done anything to deserve it? Had his parents done anything that made them deserve death? What was he going to do from now on...? All these questions he couldn’t really answer were flooding his brain, the headache crashing it all down and mixing up the pieces of his unfinished thoughts, even though he had taken those aspirins. He felt horrible, both physically and emotionally, so he just laid there, curled into the ball, turning his back to everything, and crying silently into the pillow, hoping it could all just disappear.
After a few minutes of this, the sound of something vibrating inside his nightstand caught his attention. He ignored it at first, but then decided anything was better that wallowing in self-pity for a second longer. Maybe whatever it was would get him distracted.
He opened the drawer and fished his phone out, flipping it open to see the screen flashing with a ‘You have a new message’ alert. He opened it, frowning when he read who had sent it to him.
‘Shouldn’t he be at class...?’ He thought, reading the small text that was written below the ‘From: Jjong’
‘Are you awake yet?
I noticed you grabbing your cellphone that time you fell, so I decided I should try to text you.
I’m not sure if the cellphone itself will still be functional though, so answer me if you get this’
Jinki smiled at the screen, pressing the ‘Reply’ button before starting to write a message. He was glad he could talk with someone at that moment, even though he wouldn’t allow himself to tell him about the tears that were still streaming silently down his face. It was relieving to know he still had someone there for him in case he needed help standing back up.
‘I’ve been awake for a while.
Why aren’t you at school? You’re going to be late.’
‘I’m texting you from class. The literature teacher is still as clueless as ever.
Are you okay all on your own?’
Jinki smiled a little at Jonghyun’s way of thinking, which was almost the same than Leeteuk’s. It’s not as if he was going to jump out the window if he was left alone or something... Okay, so he had a little of an emotional breakdown, but that was because he had wanted to.
Oh great, now he sounded like a masochist...
‘I’m fine. Pay attention to class.’
‘Literature is boring. I can write better songs poems than what we’re studying.
Have you eaten anything?’
Jinki laughed this time; Jjong had always had this thing for writing lyrics and singing them even in his sleep. He was indeed quite good at it, and also quite good at literature, especially when it was poems rather than books, but he still got barely passable marks because of his lack of interest and enthusiasm.
‘If you’re so good at it, try getting higher marks.
My cousin was here until a moment ago, he brought me breakfast.’
‘I don’t want to give that satisfaction to my parents after they made me quit playing bass in that band.
Leeteuk was there?’
‘They did it because of your low marks.
He came yesterday, a while after you guys left.’
‘...Shut up. Classes are boring anyways. I couldn’t pay attention even if I tried.
Why did he leave you alone, anyways? Is he coming back?’
Jinki pressed the buttons of his cellphone quickly, not really noticing the tears that were cascading from his eyes had stopped at some point of his conversation with Jonghyun. A smile had replaced them, placed naturally on his lips; a reaction to the memories that came flooding back into him as he talked with his friend about school.
‘Make me. How can you know if you never try???
He said he had some urgent stuff he had to do. He’s not coming back until nighttime.’
‘I would if I was there. And I know absolutely everything’
‘I’m not answering your texts anymore. Pay attention to your class!!’
‘Party pooper. Can I at lest text you during recess?’
‘Will you pay attention to class if I say yes?’
‘...Perhaps’
Jinki dropped his cellphone on the bed beside him, waiting for what he knew was coming. After a few minutes, it vibrated again, showing the message alert he had predicted. He flipped it open, reading what Jonghyun sent him that time.
‘Okay, okay, I will, I promise’
He smiled at how easy to predict the other was, he really hadn’t changed at all in that year. And that somehow made him happy, even though he used to wish Jjong would mature everyday. Maybe it was because, deep down, he liked his friend for the dorky person he was, and for how his cheerfulness and childishness would rub onto him so easily when they were together. And that was something he never wanted to change.
‘Fine then. Now pay attention to class’
He sent the text and flipped his phone shut, leaving it at the nightstand so it would be easy to reach once literature class was over. Knowing Jonghyun, he would say he meant the ten minutes they had after each class to get to the next one by recess, so it wouldn’t be that long before he heard the vibrating sound again.
And, to be quite honest, he didn’t mind. He was in a remarkably good mood after talking with Jonghyun, even if it had been about such small and meaningless things. He guessed the people who said ‘happiness is in the little things’ was right. And, right now, he really needed to feel happy, even if it was just a moment. Because, when everything came crashing down again, he would need something to hold onto.