repost: Never letting go Chapter 19
It has been a long day of a seemingly endless photoshoot, and Hyukjae was glad to be in the confines of her own bathroom. Being a model, and a popular one at that, wasn’t simple; it was awfully tiring, but that fatigue brings her solace, for when she’s tired, it’s easy to drift into a world where only nothingness exists.
She studied her reflection on the mirror and smiled. The curve on her lips was charming, and people said it was lovely, but then she knew there was something lacking. Soon the smile faded; there wasn’t any glow in her eyes. No happiness can be seen on them.
Odd as it might seem though, but her eyes became her biggest asset.
She didn’t have the height like most models do, she was in fact one of the smallest. Her face, although classified as exceptionally beautiful, wasn’t exactly what people would look for in a model. When Kim Heechul brought her to the head quarters of her fashion house, her subordinates raised brows at her, but she became firm with her words.
When the first set of pictures from the trial photoshoot came, it awed everyone. Unintentionally, she became what they were looking for.
The blankness of her eyes conveyed more than what can be deciphered. It wasn’t devoid of emotion, in fact, it was overflowing with sadness. It was something that cannot be portrayed excellently even by the best actresses, even in their most brilliant performance.
Her silent sorrow captivated the world. It made her special, a stand out among the rest. Hence, the name Eunhyuk.
She achieved the fame that other models would kill to have, and did more than just that in a relatively short span of time.
Things around her changed rapidly, but she remained the same; despite bearing the superstar status, inside, she was still Hyukjae. The girl who once fell in love…and was broken because of love.
Sure, the whole world was at her finger tips - companies line up for her, begging her to be their endorser, women envied and idolized her, men fantasized and worshipped her - but there was nothing that she wants, for everything that she wants, she lost a long time ago.
She took in a sharp breath that felt rather painful to the chest. Weakly, she pulled the faucet’s handle up and let the sound of gushing water take away the painful memories. It’s always been like that… and as always, the water fails, because just when things are about to go down the drain, she decides to keep them. Because despite all of the bad things that gave the past an ugly stain, it’s something that she could not give up, for that would also mean giving up the two most precious things in her life:
Donghae and her angel in heaven, her daughter.
“I miss you…” she whispered, referring to both of them. Leaning on the sink counter top, she realized how fragile she actually is. The thick droplets of tears that smeared the mascara and eyeliner she had on left traces of tears that would so easily be erased, unlike the pain that has been in her heart for a long, long time. Another deep breath was taken as she closed her eyes. She willed her tears to stop, so hard.
When she glanced at the mirror, she was able to see how she really was inside. In the confines of her bathroom, she was stripped off of her defenses, the make-up, the glamorous clothes, the sparkly jewels. In her own private space, none of these can hide how miserable she’s been all along.
Shaking her head lightly, she began splashing the cold water on her face to take off the mess her tears have left. Kyuhyun and Sungmin will be arriving soon, and she couldn’t worry them by looking miserable.
She was able to fix herself just in time. She was already in her pajamas when Kyuhyun and Sungmin arrived.
“Hyukkie?” Kyuhyun’s voice was heard from downstairs.
“Here!” She shouted back. She stepped out of her room, and she was greeted by the cute squeal of her 6 year old niece who immediately came bouncing towards her.
“Auntiiiiieeeee!!!” Hyukjae bent down to accommodate the little girl in her arms.
“How are you sweetie?” She kissed the tip of her niece’s nose which made the kid giggle.
“I’m good! My teacher said I’m smart! Daddy! Go show Auntie my test papers!” She commanded cutely.
“Oh wow! That’s nice, sweetie. Well then, like I promised, I have your toys. I’ll show them to you later okay?”
“OMO!!! I love you Auntieeee!” Minkyu showered her face with kisses.
“Yah! You’re spoiling my daughter too much…” Kyuhyun said.
“Don’t mind him.” Sungmin walked towards her and kissed her on the cheek. “He’s just jealous because among us, he’s Minky’s least favorite.” Sungmin adoringly looked down at his daughter and ruffled her hair.
“That’s not true! Minky likes Daddy, right?” Kyuhyun asked his daughter sweetly.
“Uhm… I like Mom and Auntie more…” The little girl snickered as Kyuhyun’s face morphed into a defeated look.
“That’s why you need to stop being too strict with her…” Sungmin clicked her tongue at her husband.
“How will I not be strict? For goodness’ sake Minnie, your daughter is just 6 and she’s receiving flowers from boys already!”
“You are???” Hyukjae asked the girl who seemed to be suddenly embarrassed.
“Yes… Auntie, but I don’t like the boys who gave it to me!” Minky defended quickly.
“See? Your daughter knows her priorities!”
“Whatever. I cannot win an argument against the three of you anyway,” Kyuhyun sulked.
“Aww Daddy, don’t be mad please? I love you, and Mommy and Auntie and Grand Ma, and Grand Pa equally.” Minky released herself from Hyukjae’s hold and walked back to her dad and gestured for him to lift her up.
Hyukjae was glad for her brother. He has such a beautiful family. Again, a quick sting passed on her chest. If her own daughter had been born, she’s sure she’d be best friends with Minkyu. She’d also be smart and pretty.
She didn’t realize that tears were already blurring her vision.
“Hyuk… Are you okay?” Sungmin asked concernedly upon noticing her silence.
“Y-yeah Unnie… I’m alright…” She wiped the tears that formed in her eyes and forced a smile.
She saw the couple exchange glances.
“I think you need to rest… We’ll leave Minky next time.” Kyuhyun said.
“What??? No! You planned this for so long. I’ve planned the weekend for Minky and myself! I’m okay, I promise!”
“You need rest Hyuk…” Sungmin added. “I heard you’ve been shooting for five days nonstop.”
“Aish. You two. Don’t worry about me; I’m used to not sleeping. And that girl over there,” she pointed to her niece, “is my stress reliever. I’ll feel more awful if you don’t go on with the trip.”
“Are you sure?” Kyuhyun landed a questioning gaze on her.
“Very! Now you two go ahead.” She took the little girl from her brother’s arms. “Minky, you and I will have so much fun, okay?” The little girl nodded excitedly. “See?” She told the couple.
“If anything happens, call us okay? And you young lady, don’t give Auntie any trouble okay? Not too many sweets too, hmm?”
“Yeppy Mommy… But can I have chips?”
“If Auntie allows you to. But again not too much.”
Then Sungmin and Kyuhyun left, and Hyukjae spent the rest of the evening indulging her niece. They played until her niece got exhausted. She tucked her into the bed and watched the little girl in her peaceful sleep. She wished that she could sleep as peacefully as the little girl. Once again, her mind drifted off to a lot of what ifs.
What if the wedding came about? How would she have performed as a wife?
What if she didn’t lose her daughter? Would she have been a fantastic mother like Sungmin and her own mother?
Would they have had a happy family?
If she had a choice, the money, the popularity, the adoration… she would give it all up, just to go back in time and make everything happen like how she dreamt it to be.
Her dream never changed even if she had accepted the reality, that maybe, Donghae really wasn’t meant for her. In her first few years in the US, she hoped very, very hard, that one day Donghae would find her and explain everything. But he didn’t, and the fact that he hasn’t shown himself to her was enough proof that he didn’t care. Not a little bit. It’s one reason why she avoided going back to Korea, because if she does, she might just find herself in front of his house, begging for him to explain.
Shutting her eyes tightly, she shooed the thoughts away, like how she always does when the pain starts to become unbearable.
Getting out of bed, she reached for her drawer and took her bottle of sleeping pills. She needed it at the moment; otherwise, she might not be able to sleep a blink. Taking the bottle with her, she went to the kitchen of her cozy Manhattan apartment. She was opening her bottled water when her phone rang. She glanced at the wall clock: it was almost 1 in the morning, and there’s no way it would be a business call. She decided to take the call.
“Hello?”
“Thank goodness you’re still awake, Minnie and I are on our way, and we’ll be picking you and Minkyu up.” It was Kyuhyun. And from what she can tell, her brother’s voice was trembling.
“Goddamnit! It’s fucking one in the morning how come there’s traffic!” She heard him curse.
“Kyuhyun, what’s the matter?” She said, starting to feel panicked as well.
She heard Sungmin’s voice in a comforting tone. She was getting more confused. The next thing she heard was Sungmin’s voice.
“Your Appa… He had a heart attack. They’re bringing him to the hospital now.” Sungmin said gently, but it didn’t make the impact of the news any less. Fear crept through her, and along with it was guilt. She lost her grip on the water bottle and dropped it on the floor.
“Hyukkie? Are you okay?” Sungmin asked her but she was too stunned to answer. She was petrified.
Since she left for the States, she had seldom seen her father. Only quick meet ups every time he happens to be in business trip near her location and she had some time to spare, and only through short visits from her parents. Several times, he had requested to her to go back to Korea, but she just couldn’t bring herself to. In an instant she regretted it. She knew her father was against her modeling, but he never voiced it out. He supported her all the way, and maybe he thought that if he let her do what she wanted to do, she’d eventually step out of the binding memories of her past.
“Hyukkie… Please say something…”
“I-I’m here Minnie… Is Appa okay?”
“He should be. Your Umma said the attack wasn’t fatal… We’ll be there in an hour or so.”
“Okay… Okay.”
With all of her swift movements, she was able to pack up quickly, bringing only necessities. She was confident that she wouldn’t have troubles booking for a flight since it was not peak season.
In three hours, she found herself on the plane back to Korea. After 7 long years, she was finally going back home.
Kyuhyun noticed her sister’s troubled face and ruffled her hair.
“Appa’s going to be fine, he’s strong… I’m sorry for worrying you earlier…”
“I’m going to get worried no matter how the news was delivered.” She replied wearily.
“I understand, but get some sleep, this is going to be a long flight. I doubt if you’ll let yourself get any rest once we’re in Seoul and if you faint, that would only worry Appa and Umma.”
“I’m scared Kyuhyun… I’m scared and I feel guilty.”
“We’re both scared, but there’s no need for you to be guilty, sis. Appa understands you.” Kyuhyun squeezed her hand lightly.
He took a small container from his pocket and took out one tablet and offered it to her.
“Found your sleeping pills on the counter. This will help you calm down and rest.”
Hyukjae didn’t protest anymore and just took the pill.
-
It was almost 5 pm when Yesung barged into Donghae’s office like he always does.
“ ‘Sup?”
“I have news for you. Three, actually. Two are bad and one good. How would you like me to say it?”
“Bad-good-bad” Donghae muttered nonchalantly.
Noticing that Donghae seems to be uninterested, Yesung cleared his throat.
“Need your ears on this boy. This is all Hyukjae-related”
Donghae straightened his back and looked at Yesung intently.
“How bad is bad?”
“Quite bad.”
“Shit.”
“Don’t worry, she’s not going to get married yet.” Yesung said trying to humor the situation. “First bad news, she’s not going to be in the Milan Fashion Week next week. She decided to take a break from modeling. Indefinitely too, according to her manager. So yeah, basically, you won’t be needing the plane ticket, the hotel accommodation and the tickets to the show that you’ve bought. And just so you know, I won’t decline them if you decide that I can use them.”
“Whatever happened to the ‘love at first sight’ thing with Ryeowook?” Donghae raised his brow.
“I need to buy sometime for her to realize that she likes me too. Where the heck did you get that girl from? How come she’s immune to my charm?” Yesung whined like a 7-year old boy.
“Good news please…”
“She’s coming back.”
“What?”
“Lee Hyukjae is coming back to Korea.”
Donghae’s heart hammered wildly against his chest. Sure, he had seen Hyukjae several times from a few meters away without the girl noticing him. But somehow, it felt different to know that she’s coming back to Korea.
“And the last news is, her father had a mild heart attack. That’s the reason why she’s coming back home.”
He felt really bad about the news. Despite what happened to him and Hyukjae, Hyukjae’s father has always been professional in the meetings they attended together. He never showed any trace of animosity despite what happened. He wasn’t jovial, but he never treated him bad. He had respect for the older man.
And most of all, he felt bad because he knew that what happened probably broke Hyukjae’s heart once more.
“He’s in Asan Medical Center,” Yesung supplied. “Hyukjae will arrive later at around 8:00 PM in Incheon airport, and I’m quite sure that from there she’ll go straight to the hospital.”
If he wasn’t disturbed and worried about Hyukjae he would have commended Yesung for his skill to get such details like it is common knowledge for everyone.
“If I were you, I’ll see her… and be there for her.”
She studied her reflection on the mirror and smiled. The curve on her lips was charming, and people said it was lovely, but then she knew there was something lacking. Soon the smile faded; there wasn’t any glow in her eyes. No happiness can be seen on them.
Odd as it might seem though, but her eyes became her biggest asset.
She didn’t have the height like most models do, she was in fact one of the smallest. Her face, although classified as exceptionally beautiful, wasn’t exactly what people would look for in a model. When Kim Heechul brought her to the head quarters of her fashion house, her subordinates raised brows at her, but she became firm with her words.
When the first set of pictures from the trial photoshoot came, it awed everyone. Unintentionally, she became what they were looking for.
The blankness of her eyes conveyed more than what can be deciphered. It wasn’t devoid of emotion, in fact, it was overflowing with sadness. It was something that cannot be portrayed excellently even by the best actresses, even in their most brilliant performance.
Her silent sorrow captivated the world. It made her special, a stand out among the rest. Hence, the name Eunhyuk.
She achieved the fame that other models would kill to have, and did more than just that in a relatively short span of time.
Things around her changed rapidly, but she remained the same; despite bearing the superstar status, inside, she was still Hyukjae. The girl who once fell in love…and was broken because of love.
Sure, the whole world was at her finger tips - companies line up for her, begging her to be their endorser, women envied and idolized her, men fantasized and worshipped her - but there was nothing that she wants, for everything that she wants, she lost a long time ago.
She took in a sharp breath that felt rather painful to the chest. Weakly, she pulled the faucet’s handle up and let the sound of gushing water take away the painful memories. It’s always been like that… and as always, the water fails, because just when things are about to go down the drain, she decides to keep them. Because despite all of the bad things that gave the past an ugly stain, it’s something that she could not give up, for that would also mean giving up the two most precious things in her life:
Donghae and her angel in heaven, her daughter.
“I miss you…” she whispered, referring to both of them. Leaning on the sink counter top, she realized how fragile she actually is. The thick droplets of tears that smeared the mascara and eyeliner she had on left traces of tears that would so easily be erased, unlike the pain that has been in her heart for a long, long time. Another deep breath was taken as she closed her eyes. She willed her tears to stop, so hard.
When she glanced at the mirror, she was able to see how she really was inside. In the confines of her bathroom, she was stripped off of her defenses, the make-up, the glamorous clothes, the sparkly jewels. In her own private space, none of these can hide how miserable she’s been all along.
Shaking her head lightly, she began splashing the cold water on her face to take off the mess her tears have left. Kyuhyun and Sungmin will be arriving soon, and she couldn’t worry them by looking miserable.
She was able to fix herself just in time. She was already in her pajamas when Kyuhyun and Sungmin arrived.
“Hyukkie?” Kyuhyun’s voice was heard from downstairs.
“Here!” She shouted back. She stepped out of her room, and she was greeted by the cute squeal of her 6 year old niece who immediately came bouncing towards her.
“Auntiiiiieeeee!!!” Hyukjae bent down to accommodate the little girl in her arms.
“How are you sweetie?” She kissed the tip of her niece’s nose which made the kid giggle.
“I’m good! My teacher said I’m smart! Daddy! Go show Auntie my test papers!” She commanded cutely.
“Oh wow! That’s nice, sweetie. Well then, like I promised, I have your toys. I’ll show them to you later okay?”
“OMO!!! I love you Auntieeee!” Minkyu showered her face with kisses.
“Yah! You’re spoiling my daughter too much…” Kyuhyun said.
“Don’t mind him.” Sungmin walked towards her and kissed her on the cheek. “He’s just jealous because among us, he’s Minky’s least favorite.” Sungmin adoringly looked down at his daughter and ruffled her hair.
“That’s not true! Minky likes Daddy, right?” Kyuhyun asked his daughter sweetly.
“Uhm… I like Mom and Auntie more…” The little girl snickered as Kyuhyun’s face morphed into a defeated look.
“That’s why you need to stop being too strict with her…” Sungmin clicked her tongue at her husband.
“How will I not be strict? For goodness’ sake Minnie, your daughter is just 6 and she’s receiving flowers from boys already!”
“You are???” Hyukjae asked the girl who seemed to be suddenly embarrassed.
“Yes… Auntie, but I don’t like the boys who gave it to me!” Minky defended quickly.
“See? Your daughter knows her priorities!”
“Whatever. I cannot win an argument against the three of you anyway,” Kyuhyun sulked.
“Aww Daddy, don’t be mad please? I love you, and Mommy and Auntie and Grand Ma, and Grand Pa equally.” Minky released herself from Hyukjae’s hold and walked back to her dad and gestured for him to lift her up.
Hyukjae was glad for her brother. He has such a beautiful family. Again, a quick sting passed on her chest. If her own daughter had been born, she’s sure she’d be best friends with Minkyu. She’d also be smart and pretty.
She didn’t realize that tears were already blurring her vision.
“Hyuk… Are you okay?” Sungmin asked concernedly upon noticing her silence.
“Y-yeah Unnie… I’m alright…” She wiped the tears that formed in her eyes and forced a smile.
She saw the couple exchange glances.
“I think you need to rest… We’ll leave Minky next time.” Kyuhyun said.
“What??? No! You planned this for so long. I’ve planned the weekend for Minky and myself! I’m okay, I promise!”
“You need rest Hyuk…” Sungmin added. “I heard you’ve been shooting for five days nonstop.”
“Aish. You two. Don’t worry about me; I’m used to not sleeping. And that girl over there,” she pointed to her niece, “is my stress reliever. I’ll feel more awful if you don’t go on with the trip.”
“Are you sure?” Kyuhyun landed a questioning gaze on her.
“Very! Now you two go ahead.” She took the little girl from her brother’s arms. “Minky, you and I will have so much fun, okay?” The little girl nodded excitedly. “See?” She told the couple.
“If anything happens, call us okay? And you young lady, don’t give Auntie any trouble okay? Not too many sweets too, hmm?”
“Yeppy Mommy… But can I have chips?”
“If Auntie allows you to. But again not too much.”
Then Sungmin and Kyuhyun left, and Hyukjae spent the rest of the evening indulging her niece. They played until her niece got exhausted. She tucked her into the bed and watched the little girl in her peaceful sleep. She wished that she could sleep as peacefully as the little girl. Once again, her mind drifted off to a lot of what ifs.
What if the wedding came about? How would she have performed as a wife?
What if she didn’t lose her daughter? Would she have been a fantastic mother like Sungmin and her own mother?
Would they have had a happy family?
If she had a choice, the money, the popularity, the adoration… she would give it all up, just to go back in time and make everything happen like how she dreamt it to be.
Her dream never changed even if she had accepted the reality, that maybe, Donghae really wasn’t meant for her. In her first few years in the US, she hoped very, very hard, that one day Donghae would find her and explain everything. But he didn’t, and the fact that he hasn’t shown himself to her was enough proof that he didn’t care. Not a little bit. It’s one reason why she avoided going back to Korea, because if she does, she might just find herself in front of his house, begging for him to explain.
Shutting her eyes tightly, she shooed the thoughts away, like how she always does when the pain starts to become unbearable.
Getting out of bed, she reached for her drawer and took her bottle of sleeping pills. She needed it at the moment; otherwise, she might not be able to sleep a blink. Taking the bottle with her, she went to the kitchen of her cozy Manhattan apartment. She was opening her bottled water when her phone rang. She glanced at the wall clock: it was almost 1 in the morning, and there’s no way it would be a business call. She decided to take the call.
“Hello?”
“Thank goodness you’re still awake, Minnie and I are on our way, and we’ll be picking you and Minkyu up.” It was Kyuhyun. And from what she can tell, her brother’s voice was trembling.
“Goddamnit! It’s fucking one in the morning how come there’s traffic!” She heard him curse.
“Kyuhyun, what’s the matter?” She said, starting to feel panicked as well.
She heard Sungmin’s voice in a comforting tone. She was getting more confused. The next thing she heard was Sungmin’s voice.
“Your Appa… He had a heart attack. They’re bringing him to the hospital now.” Sungmin said gently, but it didn’t make the impact of the news any less. Fear crept through her, and along with it was guilt. She lost her grip on the water bottle and dropped it on the floor.
“Hyukkie? Are you okay?” Sungmin asked her but she was too stunned to answer. She was petrified.
Since she left for the States, she had seldom seen her father. Only quick meet ups every time he happens to be in business trip near her location and she had some time to spare, and only through short visits from her parents. Several times, he had requested to her to go back to Korea, but she just couldn’t bring herself to. In an instant she regretted it. She knew her father was against her modeling, but he never voiced it out. He supported her all the way, and maybe he thought that if he let her do what she wanted to do, she’d eventually step out of the binding memories of her past.
“Hyukkie… Please say something…”
“I-I’m here Minnie… Is Appa okay?”
“He should be. Your Umma said the attack wasn’t fatal… We’ll be there in an hour or so.”
“Okay… Okay.”
With all of her swift movements, she was able to pack up quickly, bringing only necessities. She was confident that she wouldn’t have troubles booking for a flight since it was not peak season.
In three hours, she found herself on the plane back to Korea. After 7 long years, she was finally going back home.
Kyuhyun noticed her sister’s troubled face and ruffled her hair.
“Appa’s going to be fine, he’s strong… I’m sorry for worrying you earlier…”
“I’m going to get worried no matter how the news was delivered.” She replied wearily.
“I understand, but get some sleep, this is going to be a long flight. I doubt if you’ll let yourself get any rest once we’re in Seoul and if you faint, that would only worry Appa and Umma.”
“I’m scared Kyuhyun… I’m scared and I feel guilty.”
“We’re both scared, but there’s no need for you to be guilty, sis. Appa understands you.” Kyuhyun squeezed her hand lightly.
He took a small container from his pocket and took out one tablet and offered it to her.
“Found your sleeping pills on the counter. This will help you calm down and rest.”
Hyukjae didn’t protest anymore and just took the pill.
-
It was almost 5 pm when Yesung barged into Donghae’s office like he always does.
“ ‘Sup?”
“I have news for you. Three, actually. Two are bad and one good. How would you like me to say it?”
“Bad-good-bad” Donghae muttered nonchalantly.
Noticing that Donghae seems to be uninterested, Yesung cleared his throat.
“Need your ears on this boy. This is all Hyukjae-related”
Donghae straightened his back and looked at Yesung intently.
“How bad is bad?”
“Quite bad.”
“Shit.”
“Don’t worry, she’s not going to get married yet.” Yesung said trying to humor the situation. “First bad news, she’s not going to be in the Milan Fashion Week next week. She decided to take a break from modeling. Indefinitely too, according to her manager. So yeah, basically, you won’t be needing the plane ticket, the hotel accommodation and the tickets to the show that you’ve bought. And just so you know, I won’t decline them if you decide that I can use them.”
“Whatever happened to the ‘love at first sight’ thing with Ryeowook?” Donghae raised his brow.
“I need to buy sometime for her to realize that she likes me too. Where the heck did you get that girl from? How come she’s immune to my charm?” Yesung whined like a 7-year old boy.
“Good news please…”
“She’s coming back.”
“What?”
“Lee Hyukjae is coming back to Korea.”
Donghae’s heart hammered wildly against his chest. Sure, he had seen Hyukjae several times from a few meters away without the girl noticing him. But somehow, it felt different to know that she’s coming back to Korea.
“And the last news is, her father had a mild heart attack. That’s the reason why she’s coming back home.”
He felt really bad about the news. Despite what happened to him and Hyukjae, Hyukjae’s father has always been professional in the meetings they attended together. He never showed any trace of animosity despite what happened. He wasn’t jovial, but he never treated him bad. He had respect for the older man.
And most of all, he felt bad because he knew that what happened probably broke Hyukjae’s heart once more.
“He’s in Asan Medical Center,” Yesung supplied. “Hyukjae will arrive later at around 8:00 PM in Incheon airport, and I’m quite sure that from there she’ll go straight to the hospital.”
If he wasn’t disturbed and worried about Hyukjae he would have commended Yesung for his skill to get such details like it is common knowledge for everyone.
“If I were you, I’ll see her… and be there for her.”