Monkey Mayhem
Monkeys love tobacco. More on this later.
Saturday was the night of the big monkey visit. am a moron. I actually changed clothes and "freshened up" before the monkey came. Apparently I often confuse monkey visitations with an appearance on Blind Date. At six I received a call from Pam (the monkey's handler) that she was downstairs so, I rushed outside to meet her at her car. She opens the window and says she has a gift for me. The gift is a CD with about 25 monkey related songs. This CD will never be played in any CD player that I own. This much I am certain. She gets out of the car and Miki jumps up on her back. I guess Miki just returned from an 8 month tour of duty in Iraq because he is wearing a pair of camouflage colored shorts. This makes me rethink my "monkey knife fight" idea because Miki would most likely kill me.
Once inside my apartment I realize that Miki is the least trained "trained-monkey" in existence. Well, let me restate that. He is trained to do tricks but he apparently is also trained to be one crazy fucker, which was awesome. Pam asks me to cross my arms in front of me. She states this is so Miki has some place to prop himself upon my body but I am convinced that Pam has me cross my arms in front of my body in an attempt to make myself appear like an American Indian which Miki has an intense hated for. Once my arms are crossed Miki squeals (which I'm sure is monkeyese for "DIE RED MAN DIE!") and leaps onto my head. Miki screams in triumph. Jessica screams in horror. I scream in delight. Everyone is happy.
Miki spends the next couple of minutes leaping from person to person. Pam then proceeds to show us some of Miki's tricks. The majority of Miki's "tricks" involve him putting on various hats.
Under the right conditions Miki could easily replace Carson on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
Miki can also lift a plastic dumb-bell and kinda sorta play basketball. If need be, he could start for the L.A. Clippers, but that isn't saying much.
Being the least trained "trained-monkey" is existence, Miki had to be coaxed into doing these tricks and would have been much happier leaping onto my television and swinging from my entertainment center. This would have been perfectly fine by me because I rather enjoyed the crazy aspect of Miki. At one point Miki tried to crawl under my coffee table (which he was performing his tricks upon). Pam yelled at him and had to drag Miki out by his leash. Miki wasn't too happy with this and he made this high pitch screech(which is monkeyese for "Stop trying to ruin my fun you overweight hair-less bitch"). Once this battle of the wills was over we spent the next forty-five minutes playing with Miki.
Monkeys have ADD. If you have a visible scratch or wound on your body, monkeys will attempt to pick at it. At one point Miki was sitting on Debbie's lap. Debbie was wearing a skirt and had a small cut on her knee. Miki saw this cut...and licked it. I fully expected him to turn around and say "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti".
Miki would also groom a person's head anytime you gave him the opportunity and this fucker has one strong grip. I had flashbacks to the mandatory lice-checks we would receive yearly in grade school.
I'm pretty sure Miki was so worked up because he was feeding off the "Oh shit! There is a fucking monkey next to me" reactions that myself and my friend David were giving off. The lovely Jessica and Debbie (the other two people there) were very big on the "I want to hold monkey" thing while David and I were big on the "Do something crazy!" aspects of Miki. This just caused Miki to act even nuttier. At one point, while leaping between David and myself, he rammed his little monkey skull right into my larger human skull. At another point he lept at David and grabbed his ears while simultaneously grabbing my hair.
When Pam first arrived we asked her why Miki did not have any teeth and she explained that when a monkey is privately owned and used for entertainment purposes they usually have their teeth removed. We all felt bad at the idea of Miki having his teeth removed but within minutes we all quietly thanked the gods for this little trip to the dentist because Miki would have bit the holy living shit out of us. Miki would gum our fingers. Miki would gum our arms. Miki chomped down on David's nose. Without the teeth it was hilarious. With the teeth it would have looked like a Manson Family crime scene. If I was made of Jello the score would have been- Miki: 1 - Jello Steve: 0.
Miki was also was a little pickpocket. One moment he would be calmly sitting on my lap and the next he would have fiddled my cell phone out of my pocket and would have it in his mouth. Same goes with my keys. This was all innocent fun until he found a cigarette in David's pocket. Miki is a Monkey. Miki also has a monkey on his back. This monkey is tobacco. Miki took the cigarette and before Pam could react he had broken the cigarette in half. He then furiously mashed the cigarette in his hands and brought it to his mouth. He began salivating and using his hands, feet and tail began feverishly rubbing this mix of saliva and tobacco all over his body. Pam's reaction, "::sigh:: He'll be doing this for an hour or so". Since Miki was sitting on my lap while he did this my shift ended up covered in monkey goo. I guess monkeys like smelling like spit and tobacco. This proves that they must be indigenous to West Virginia.
Pam was able to pry the remainder of the cigarette out of Miki's hand and he finally stopped his saliva rub down. It was time for Miki to leave so we all got a parting monkey high-five and he was on his way. I must say that this was, without a doubt, the best birthday gift I've ever received and my girlfriend is super-mega awesome for thinking of it and then actually following through. There is no way I could ever own a monkey. They are crazy lil' fuckers.
On a parting note I would like to say "Steve and Miki strong like Hulk!"
Saturday was the night of the big monkey visit. am a moron. I actually changed clothes and "freshened up" before the monkey came. Apparently I often confuse monkey visitations with an appearance on Blind Date. At six I received a call from Pam (the monkey's handler) that she was downstairs so, I rushed outside to meet her at her car. She opens the window and says she has a gift for me. The gift is a CD with about 25 monkey related songs. This CD will never be played in any CD player that I own. This much I am certain. She gets out of the car and Miki jumps up on her back. I guess Miki just returned from an 8 month tour of duty in Iraq because he is wearing a pair of camouflage colored shorts. This makes me rethink my "monkey knife fight" idea because Miki would most likely kill me.
Once inside my apartment I realize that Miki is the least trained "trained-monkey" in existence. Well, let me restate that. He is trained to do tricks but he apparently is also trained to be one crazy fucker, which was awesome. Pam asks me to cross my arms in front of me. She states this is so Miki has some place to prop himself upon my body but I am convinced that Pam has me cross my arms in front of my body in an attempt to make myself appear like an American Indian which Miki has an intense hated for. Once my arms are crossed Miki squeals (which I'm sure is monkeyese for "DIE RED MAN DIE!") and leaps onto my head. Miki screams in triumph. Jessica screams in horror. I scream in delight. Everyone is happy.
Miki spends the next couple of minutes leaping from person to person. Pam then proceeds to show us some of Miki's tricks. The majority of Miki's "tricks" involve him putting on various hats.
Under the right conditions Miki could easily replace Carson on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
Miki can also lift a plastic dumb-bell and kinda sorta play basketball. If need be, he could start for the L.A. Clippers, but that isn't saying much.
Being the least trained "trained-monkey" is existence, Miki had to be coaxed into doing these tricks and would have been much happier leaping onto my television and swinging from my entertainment center. This would have been perfectly fine by me because I rather enjoyed the crazy aspect of Miki. At one point Miki tried to crawl under my coffee table (which he was performing his tricks upon). Pam yelled at him and had to drag Miki out by his leash. Miki wasn't too happy with this and he made this high pitch screech(which is monkeyese for "Stop trying to ruin my fun you overweight hair-less bitch"). Once this battle of the wills was over we spent the next forty-five minutes playing with Miki.
Monkeys have ADD. If you have a visible scratch or wound on your body, monkeys will attempt to pick at it. At one point Miki was sitting on Debbie's lap. Debbie was wearing a skirt and had a small cut on her knee. Miki saw this cut...and licked it. I fully expected him to turn around and say "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti".
Miki would also groom a person's head anytime you gave him the opportunity and this fucker has one strong grip. I had flashbacks to the mandatory lice-checks we would receive yearly in grade school.
I'm pretty sure Miki was so worked up because he was feeding off the "Oh shit! There is a fucking monkey next to me" reactions that myself and my friend David were giving off. The lovely Jessica and Debbie (the other two people there) were very big on the "I want to hold monkey" thing while David and I were big on the "Do something crazy!" aspects of Miki. This just caused Miki to act even nuttier. At one point, while leaping between David and myself, he rammed his little monkey skull right into my larger human skull. At another point he lept at David and grabbed his ears while simultaneously grabbing my hair.
When Pam first arrived we asked her why Miki did not have any teeth and she explained that when a monkey is privately owned and used for entertainment purposes they usually have their teeth removed. We all felt bad at the idea of Miki having his teeth removed but within minutes we all quietly thanked the gods for this little trip to the dentist because Miki would have bit the holy living shit out of us. Miki would gum our fingers. Miki would gum our arms. Miki chomped down on David's nose. Without the teeth it was hilarious. With the teeth it would have looked like a Manson Family crime scene. If I was made of Jello the score would have been- Miki: 1 - Jello Steve: 0.
Miki was also was a little pickpocket. One moment he would be calmly sitting on my lap and the next he would have fiddled my cell phone out of my pocket and would have it in his mouth. Same goes with my keys. This was all innocent fun until he found a cigarette in David's pocket. Miki is a Monkey. Miki also has a monkey on his back. This monkey is tobacco. Miki took the cigarette and before Pam could react he had broken the cigarette in half. He then furiously mashed the cigarette in his hands and brought it to his mouth. He began salivating and using his hands, feet and tail began feverishly rubbing this mix of saliva and tobacco all over his body. Pam's reaction, "::sigh:: He'll be doing this for an hour or so". Since Miki was sitting on my lap while he did this my shift ended up covered in monkey goo. I guess monkeys like smelling like spit and tobacco. This proves that they must be indigenous to West Virginia.
Pam was able to pry the remainder of the cigarette out of Miki's hand and he finally stopped his saliva rub down. It was time for Miki to leave so we all got a parting monkey high-five and he was on his way. I must say that this was, without a doubt, the best birthday gift I've ever received and my girlfriend is super-mega awesome for thinking of it and then actually following through. There is no way I could ever own a monkey. They are crazy lil' fuckers.
On a parting note I would like to say "Steve and Miki strong like Hulk!"