In which I realise I like Robert Smith in a creepy, creepy way.
The Rules of Attraction.
As a 23 year old, white, cisgendered female, there are rules about who it is socially acceptable for me to be attracted to.
Brandon Boyd, for example, is perfectly acceptable. I would get very little judgement for admitting to this one in public.
He has a silly beard, but you know what? I'm okay with that. He can grow whatever facial hair he likes.
Annelise Hesme, however, is a lady. Admitting to being attracted to her would change many people's opinions of me, consciously or subconsciously.
I don't see why. Look at her: She's lovely.
Robert Smith, even in the height of his career, is seen as a “Weird” person to be attracted to. I would probably be judged by some for admitting to this.
Is he wearing make-up? And a necklace? This is an outrage!
More frowned upon, perhaps, would be admitting to being attracted to him now. Regardless of the age difference, I would never act on this attraction, even if given the opportunity. Currently, I can venerate Robert Smith as being a beautiful soul with the sad eyes of a poet and the voice of a miserable angel. If I tried to do the secks with him I would discover that he is a human being with testicles. That would ruin everything.
He's 51 now. I regret nothing.
MIA
Hee! Monkey on her head!
“But, Hadidet. She isn't white. You are white. Surely you are including her to show how un-racist you are? We approve of your equal opportunist message and all, but you don't have to lie about who you have a crush on just to look good.”
No. I'm just attracted to her. That doesn't make me a warrior for racial equality. I'm just objectifying her as much as I'm objectifying everyone else I'm mentioning in this post. Fettishising people with different colour skin does not equal racial equality. In fact, it can be the opposite: Pretending to take a step forwards while actually taking a step backwards just gives you licence not to make any more progress.
Thom Yorke
Is it his music? His lyrics? His mysterious public persona? Do I like him Despite his drooping eyelid? Because of it? I don't know. I don't care. Maybe I just have a thing for skinny English men in indie bands.
I can't bring myself to misquote lyrics to make them about sex with Thom Yorke. His lyrics are too deep. It would sully this.
When I was a child, I was obsessively in love with the fictional Lex Murphy from Jurassic Park. She was older than me, quick thinking, in charge, and an implausibly good hacker. She was my dreamgirl. I have never forgotten that childhood crush.
I recently stumbled across a picture of her. And then I worked out that she was, at most, 14 at the time of filming.
Jelly?
The part of me that fell in love with her and everything she stood for is still here. Does that mean that I'm attracted to a 14 year old? If so, the Daily Mail suddenly thinks I'm a monster. According to public opinion, anyone who is even remotely attracted to children is a sex offender. I have become a liability. Don't let me near your children. I'll probably try to touch them.
Is this more or less weird than a 51 year old Robert Smith? Robert Smith could be my father, whereas I'd have had to given birth at 11 to have a 14 year old daughter.
When Robert Smith dresses like a child, I still think he's beautiful, still in that creepy, romanticised way I discussed earlier that probably left you shuddering like the jelly on Lex Murphy's spoon. To some people, that means I am a sex offender again.
Look, they've just put him next to an oversized lamp. Adults can read comics too. Look at that arm hair. That means it's okay, right?
The world would rather I just stuck to Jessica Rabbit and The Little Mermaid. Two cartoon ladies, one of whom is half fish.
I'd probably still try to make it work.
This is normal. Everyone can sit in a pub and discuss Ariel's breasts as a bonding exercise. Jessica Rabbit's "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn this way" can make us all melt. I've found less resistance when admitting to a crush on either of these than any real women.
Naming sex toys after a character from a children's cartoon is perfectly normal. Stop asking questions.
So why does this define us? Who we are attracted to does not equal who we are as people. None, literally None of the people I have listed here are attracted to me. I am just perving over pictures of them on the Internet. That's what perverts do. They watch from afar while thinking rude things. Obsessive things. Unrequited things. The people who designed Jessica Rabbit's Breasts? Perverts. Perverts to whom a large portion of my generation have to thank for their first crush. They oughta be locked up.
(Thank you)