It is ever more near.
The first fall wind has not even begun to blow; the leaves before the crash scatter in premonition of the coming of... well, you know. There's a part of my soul I can't even write about, uncaptured by human language, still set free to roam about the natural world. It's out there in the darkness on the winds, searching for what can never be found, and bestowing its unsettling restlessness into the various nighttime walkers. I see it as no bad omen that this week I was kicked out of the apartment- well, my wife and I both were- by the selfish whims of the Management. I don't know where we will go now, but I know that this is a grand step, and probably one we would not have taken otherwise. It's time to do some soul-searching in our environment as well as ourselves.
Several months ago two gecko eggs were found in the bedroom, beneath a blanket on the floor. A couple of days ago, they both hatched. I placed the geckos in a tank for observation until they finished their first molt; one lived and one died. I know this is an omen like the two I have received before, but I do not know what of. Is it of a person I met recently, through the net? I would think it is instead something far greater, as geckos are significant creatures with a history of potent meaning behind them. Is losing this residence death, or life? I am filled with glee at not knowing the answer. I've found the way the world works, laced in chaos, equilibrium, and change. I am so eager, so anxious to know what it is. It could be so many things... events beyond measure. Something huge, something that strikes my very humanity. It's something about the grave; perhaps an expedition, or a glittering distraction to fill my time before it.
I was sitting in a shop today enjoying a fall drink, and I woke up. I've written before about how I've always felt trapped in a bubble, mentally- but I was just sitting there as these abstracted bits of a grand puzzle swarmed about my dulled mind, and as they cut apart my thoughts it felt more real, and I was free. I almost cried as I looked around and saw the world for what it was, and everything I could interact with. It was beautiful. It was all there just like it was when I packed it all away, back when I was young, before FL, before school, back in the days of careless fall nights before winter's icy sting. I hope that the event that brings this on keeps my mind free, but I fear what that entails. I know the contract I have with the world, and the great prices paid for sanity or understanding; sickness is but a trifle, death a mere plaything.
I wish I could infect the world with this sense of foreboding. It brings a painful reality about me, a sense of ends. If everyone knew it and felt it, there would be no sorrow or remorse or pity or complaint, only the eager knowledge that something is happening and that something must be done. I think that people fear it though, that they run from it; I think that's why they put on a show with their emotions, their money, their homes and lives and drinks and dances and television and bibles and loves. When you let it in, it just pushes you right into suicide unless you're strong enough to just stand there, let it flow through you, and say "this is how it is, and it brings no love or hate; this is just how it is."
It's so dark, yet so vibrant. It's all in my mind, but it feels so real. In a way, I am scared, because I know how the human spirit lies:
We feel that everything is here only when we know that everything will be gone.
Several months ago two gecko eggs were found in the bedroom, beneath a blanket on the floor. A couple of days ago, they both hatched. I placed the geckos in a tank for observation until they finished their first molt; one lived and one died. I know this is an omen like the two I have received before, but I do not know what of. Is it of a person I met recently, through the net? I would think it is instead something far greater, as geckos are significant creatures with a history of potent meaning behind them. Is losing this residence death, or life? I am filled with glee at not knowing the answer. I've found the way the world works, laced in chaos, equilibrium, and change. I am so eager, so anxious to know what it is. It could be so many things... events beyond measure. Something huge, something that strikes my very humanity. It's something about the grave; perhaps an expedition, or a glittering distraction to fill my time before it.
I was sitting in a shop today enjoying a fall drink, and I woke up. I've written before about how I've always felt trapped in a bubble, mentally- but I was just sitting there as these abstracted bits of a grand puzzle swarmed about my dulled mind, and as they cut apart my thoughts it felt more real, and I was free. I almost cried as I looked around and saw the world for what it was, and everything I could interact with. It was beautiful. It was all there just like it was when I packed it all away, back when I was young, before FL, before school, back in the days of careless fall nights before winter's icy sting. I hope that the event that brings this on keeps my mind free, but I fear what that entails. I know the contract I have with the world, and the great prices paid for sanity or understanding; sickness is but a trifle, death a mere plaything.
I wish I could infect the world with this sense of foreboding. It brings a painful reality about me, a sense of ends. If everyone knew it and felt it, there would be no sorrow or remorse or pity or complaint, only the eager knowledge that something is happening and that something must be done. I think that people fear it though, that they run from it; I think that's why they put on a show with their emotions, their money, their homes and lives and drinks and dances and television and bibles and loves. When you let it in, it just pushes you right into suicide unless you're strong enough to just stand there, let it flow through you, and say "this is how it is, and it brings no love or hate; this is just how it is."
It's so dark, yet so vibrant. It's all in my mind, but it feels so real. In a way, I am scared, because I know how the human spirit lies:
We feel that everything is here only when we know that everything will be gone.