Sawarenai
Title: Sawarenai
Author: clovert
Rating: PG-13?
Pairing: Sakumoto
Summary: Sometimes Matsumoto Jun would think, if Sakurai Sho suddenly died one day, it probably wouldn't be odd if he followed after.
A/N: Actually, this was sitting in my computer unfinished for pretty much a year. The setting was during their 10 year anniversary... LOL I just wanted to write a pushy 16 year old Sho, in a 26 year old body XDDDDDDDDD
そのココロに触れない
意識しすぎて触ることが出来ない
見えない手で触りたい
素肌じゃなく中身すべて
0
It was a habit.
Gaze, hearing, and undivided attention -- it all gravitated towards that man.
Sometimes Matsumoto Jun would think, if Sakurai Sho suddenly died one day, it probably wouldn't be odd if he followed after.
1
"Otsukare-sama." Jun said to the last of the clean up staff before going backstage to the indoor arena.
It had been a good concert today. Between the numerous variety shows and drama filming, they were currently on tour. They had been travelling through Japan doing concerts in the different areas for the past few months. Every concert, the fans' passion had been overflowing. Despite the fact that they had been doing this for more than he could count with two hands, Jun was almost moved to tears every single time.
He opened the door to their backstage waiting room to find it empty. No one lying on the couch and no other bags were on the table.
Did everyone got on the car already? He wondered idly, picking up his own belongings. Then he turned off the lights to the room and quickly strolled out.
Arashi had a tradition of living together during their tours. Instead of commuting back to their homes, they'd rather spend the night in a nearby hotel so that they could get to their rehearsal right away the next day. It was also because of this, they were able to spend time together with each other every year. Talking in their rooms after concerts about what they want to do with their careers and lives, it made them a tighter group.
Jun was caught so deep in his thoughts that he didn't even notice when the door opened beside him. A hand shot out and caught his wrist. He was then roughly pulled inside. Everything was a blur, and he could hardly register as his body was slammed painfully to the wall and his breath was stolen by the lips that descended on his.
He didn't even need to open his eyes to see who his offender was. Just from the scent he could tell. And besides, no one would perform such a feat on him other than that person.
By the time his lips were released he was breathless already. Jun half glare at the man in front of him through his long lashes. He was fuming.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" He bit out at Sakurai Sho and tried to push him away. But the arms locked around his waist held on almost painfully.
"Compensation for leaving me stranded in midair." Sho said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. It took him a minute to match his frequency with the other's.
Sho was talking about the accident during 'Truth' today, his cable which was supposed to lift him up had a little problem and got stuck. He was stranded in midair. But it wasn't Jun's fault at all. This man had no reason to come to him for any compensation.
The idiot was being unreasonable and just wanted to label some blame on him so that he can make his actions valid. But of course, Jun would never say this out loud. With Sho, wasn't an option.
"Sho-kun..." He calmed down and tried again, but the other man ignored him and buried his head at the nook of his neck, nibbling at the skin. Jun sighed and let his brain stop working. He just couldn't win.
Not against Sakurai Sho, never.
"Such an unwilling face." He felt the other's smirk on his skin, and Jun couldn't help but shivered when Sho raised his head and looked him in the eye.
"Everyone's waiting..." He only managed to mumble weakly before turning his eyes away.
Half expecting the other man to ignore him and have his way again, he was surprised when the arms surrounding his waist released him. Sho took him by the wrist and led him out of the room back to the halls outside.
Jun was certain that it was the sudden brightness that made his eyes stung.
It's been thirteen years and Jun still couldn't understand this man anymore than he did when they were in Jrs.
He really hadn't improved at all.
2
He knew what the fans thought.
Sho-kun lost the angry aura he carried with him when he was little. Sho-kun is a very gentle person. Sho-kun is like Arashi's mom. Sho-kun will always take care of people.
Lies, lies, lies, lies.
Jun knew that these were all lies.
It was a facade. Just a persona the older man used in public.
He wasn't gentle. Those little 'mines' that Sho-kun had when his was little, they were still there. When Sakurai Sho gets angry, you'd have to run ten miles away before you are safe.
Angry, pushy, and almost barbaric -- For the ten years that Arashi had been through, that was Jun's impression on Sho. But of course, that would be his own impression only.
He treasured Riida. He doted on Aiba. And he protects Nino.
But to Matsumoto Jun, he was a completely different person.
No matter how DoS he was, he could only chose to yield to Sakurai Sho. Because if Sho-kun commands, he would obey. Because Jun had never been out of reach.
All Sho-kun ever needed to do was pull, and no matter how far he travelled he would come back. Jun had been wrapped around Sho-kun's fingers for thirteen years.
It couldn't possibly be a healthy relationship at all.
But neither were making a move to change it.
3
To be exact, he was more of Nino's friend. Given their personalities at the time, it was only natural things turned out that way.
Sakurai Sho was one of those popular individuals amongst the Juniors. He's the bocchan from a well off family. His dad is a politician and his mom is the daughter of a major company and a professor.
No one knew or understand why a boy from such a prestigious family would come to Johnny's, because it was not the common thing to do. Yet this boy was here at Johnnys; able to come and go as he pleases since education was first priority on his list.
It was the first time he ever heard of anyone who would choose a school trip over filming a drama. If it was up to him, it wouldn't even be a competition. Jun didn't understand the charms of education, yet he admired Sakurai Sho all the same, simply because he was wild enough to do what he was doing and he didn't look stupid at all.
So one day when Sho-kun came into the room with Nino, saw him, ruffled his hair and said, you're so tiny and cute, Jun gave him the sweetest smile he could ever muster.
He wanted to be Sho-kun's friend.
4
"Let's go let's go!"
"Go where?" Jun asked in a curious tone directed to the two across the table. Nino tsk-ed and pulled his arm out of Aiba's grasp.
"This idiot said he wanted to go to the night festival a few streets away tonight." The second youngest member of Arashi answered and continued picking at his dinner.
"Sou sou! There's one today! It's going to be fun, so let's go Kazu-chan!"
"No. I'm so tired I can collapse." The younger man refused without hesitation, making the older man pout.
Jun stole a glance beside him. Sho was quickly swallowing the rice in his mouth, rushing to say something. He inwardly rolled his eyes, almost sure of what will come out of the other's mouth the next minute.
"I'll go with you."
"Sho-chan~!" Aiba exclaimed happily and almost lunged over the table to hug the older man if the one beside him didn't yank him back. Ohno raised his head from eating and quietly looked at him with a searching gaze.
He felt his heart clenched and quickly placed down his utensils.
"I'm full."
5
He could still remember how the coffee table in his room collapsed the first time he mentioned that he wasn't planning to finish high school.
Sho hadn't become his tutor yet, but would occasionally stay in Jun's house for a bit to do homework after they've returned from the Jimusho. Though in Jun's mind, it had always seem like an excuse just to make sure he did his work. Sho had been a bit relentless about that ever since his failing test papers fell out of his backpack.
Normally he wouldn't mind, because it would mean he had more time to talk to the other boy without having to hear the complaints about his late night disturbances over the cell phone.
But stress had caught up with him lately, in school and at the Jimusho. So when Sho nagged him about the possibility of not passing the final exams, he let the words 'I don't need to finish high school anyway' carelessly roll out of his mouth.
That was when Sho violently slammed the thick textbook shut.
His table collapsed, cups fell, pencils rolled off and paper flew everywhere. But Sho just stuffed his bag and strolled out of his room, every footstep resonated loudly through the wooden floorboards.
They hadn't talk for a week. And Jun bit his lip every time the other walk passed him with a cold expression. Both Toma and Aiba tried to pry the reason from him but Jun just couldn't bring himself to say a word of this to anyone. And Nino would just sigh annoyingly at the side every time Sho and he were in the same room together.
And then Sho called.
For the first time initiating the three a.m. phone conversations.
"Matsumoto Jun, if you ever dare to repeat what you said that day I will snap you in halves. You're finishing high school, and I'll make sure of it!"
Jun then spent half an hour crying over the phone, over a reason that Sho would forever guess wrong.
6
"Let's break up." His voice cut through the sound of boiling water. It came out easier than he had expected, even though it was probably the oddest time to say it.
He idly stirred the pasta he was cooking for Sakurai Sho while listening for the sound of movement from the man sitting in behind him in his kitchen.
It was at least ten seconds of silence before he heard laughter broke out. Jun felt like he was being mocked, and he spun around in anger, "I'm serious!"
Laughter subsided, the older man gave him a half smile and raised an eyebrow as if asking him to explain. For a moment there, Jun's mind exploded with a thousand reasons. And suddenly nothing he did made sense. He was cooking pasta, at three a.m. in the morning, for a man he didn't even understand.
"Because I'm tired." The words came out cold and stiff, "I'm tired of you, and your ways, and I just don't want to guess what's in your mind any more."
Sometimes he loves me, sometimes he doesn't -- Jun's tired of using this excuse for himself. Since when was he one to compromise anyway? He had always known what he wanted, for his concerts, for his career, for his life... just not for Sakurai Sho. This possibly non-existent relationship can't go on forever.
"I'll come another day." The older man broke their eye contact and suddenly stood up from his chair. Jun felt something snap inside of him when the other picked up his coat.
"Don't come and go as you please. I'm not your toy."
There was silence. Jun inwardly cringed after he realized what he said. Sho had a fierce look in his eyes as he slipped his coat back on the chair and advanced towards him. Jun braced himself, expecting to get punched across the face. He squeezed his eyes shut as he felt an arm reached toward him.
There was an audible click behind him, signalling that the stove turned off. Jun opened his eyes to find Sho's face dangerously close to his.
"Where do you think I should really be right now?"
"What?"
"I should be at home, with my newborn baby, and a lovely wife. I should be sleeping, because tomorrow I'll be working from nine to five at a normal company doing a normal job."
Jun was forced to meet the other's eyes by the hand that held his chin in a painful grip. The look in Sho's eyes told him that he snapped.
"You know where I shouldn't be? I shouldn't be here, at this ungodly hour, worried about a brat and if he's okay because he's been exhausted lately. I shouldn't be here for fucking ten years just because of you."
"You're insane!" He tried to break free, he didn't want to hear this. They were lies, it can't be what they implicated. He would know.
He should know this.
"And I don't give a damn about what you think." His struggling hands were caught easily by the older man. "You can be everyone's Matsujun."
But Matsumoto Jun can only be mine.