(no subject)
An interesting bit of insight today. Perhaps more than a bit. I spent my morning bitching about an acquaintance who gets by in the world by being clueless, needy and childish, and about a colleague who gets by in the world by being a quiet, cute, darling cake-baker. I whined about how these strategies of falling into stereotypes of helpless women and children make men help you, be chivalrous toward you, not hinder you on your path, while "People Like Me", raised to be lions and wolves and large birds of prey, have to struggle, and prove, and do things ourselves. I was complaining about how hard life is when one seeks comraderie and respect with men, not dependence and chivalry and assistance. And all the while I was thinking: this is my ugly, envious shadow self speaking. In any case, I couldn't be childlike or helpless if I wanted; it's not in my nature.
Then, I left the house. Whoa! Surprise. A flat tire in my golden rental car. Car manual, jack, key thing, ridiculously tiny spare tire come out of the trunk. I will do this by myself.
I work and work on jacking. I haven't done it right - the car is not lifting at all. Giving up the futile effort, I go back to look at the manual to realize I've positioned it in a wrong spot. I restart the positioning, figure out an efficient way to use the key to lift the car. Loosening the screws works like magic when I use my foot and body weight for leverage. In less than an hour, my first flat tire has been changed, and I did it all by myself.
My hands are black and greasy. A sense of personal pride and satisfaction rushes through my body, feeds me with self esteem, autonomy, self sufficiency, trust in myself. The path of the lion and the wolf has its benefits. I would not give this feeling up for nothing.
Then, I left the house. Whoa! Surprise. A flat tire in my golden rental car. Car manual, jack, key thing, ridiculously tiny spare tire come out of the trunk. I will do this by myself.
I work and work on jacking. I haven't done it right - the car is not lifting at all. Giving up the futile effort, I go back to look at the manual to realize I've positioned it in a wrong spot. I restart the positioning, figure out an efficient way to use the key to lift the car. Loosening the screws works like magic when I use my foot and body weight for leverage. In less than an hour, my first flat tire has been changed, and I did it all by myself.
My hands are black and greasy. A sense of personal pride and satisfaction rushes through my body, feeds me with self esteem, autonomy, self sufficiency, trust in myself. The path of the lion and the wolf has its benefits. I would not give this feeling up for nothing.