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[had_not_lived]

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☞ we don't talk of love, we're much too shy, but nervously we wonder when and why

[had_not_lived]

As uncertain and embarrassing as their relationship often was, some things came easily. They never touched in public, and only cautiously in private-- afraid of upsetting some tenuous, untested balance, of going too far. At night they tumbled into bed just as awkwardly; but somehow, drowsy, always managed to curl up comfortably by morning.

Neil roused a little as Todd moved, shifting and stretching, not awake enough to know quite what was going on. He blinked once or twice and abandoned the idea of keeping his eyes open, instead pulling Todd closer, turning his face downward, cheek pressed against the other boy's hair. Satisfied he settled once again-- not quite asleep, but certainly not awake.

☞ we don't talk of love, we're much too shy, but nervously we wonder when and why

[had_not_lived]

An early riser by nature, Neil had already learned that Todd was a very bad influence on him. Much easier, much nicer, to linger in warm half-dreams, long past the hour when he'd normally be up and about.

It was nice, though. A little more aware than Todd seemed to be-- certainly more aware than he wanted to be, given the embarrassment that would inevitably catch up with him-- he made no move to get up. This easy, pleasant contact was rare, and he didn't intend to give it up any sooner than he had to. Funny, he thought, that they could share a bed with minimal guilt when they couldn't even consider kissing. Maybe it was just that, having spent so long sharing rooms with others (even before they'd met,) they had less of a sense of privacy. They could imagine this was no less innocent.

Neil sighed quietly, the breath ruffling Todd's hair slightly; he smiled.

☞ we don't talk of love, we're much too shy, but nervously we wonder when and why

[had_not_lived]

That elicited a bare huff of breath that might have been a laugh, were he not trying to keep still. Even if they were both awake enough that they might as well get up, the fiction was pleasant. If they weren't awake they could stay like this. If they weren't awake they didn't have to feel guilty about it.

Neil couldn't come up with any rational reason for this to be wrong, other than that he'd always been told it was, by people who supposedly knew it. Even accepting the religious prohibitions-- a weak excuse, in his opinion-- that had nothing to do with love. And they were in love; as uncertain as he'd been at first, there was no doubting that anymore.

He shifted a little, moving so his hand rested higher on Todd's back, already aware enough to be mildly embarrassed about their position, but stubbornly trying not to give in to it.

☞ we don't talk of love, we're much too shy, but nervously we wonder when and why

[had_not_lived]

Sleeping people most certainly do not. Neil just smiled drowsily, not pulling away either through sheer force of will. No one was going to break down their door and arrest them, after all. Not that the rational knowledge helped their nerves.

"Morning," he murmured, absolutely still. Uncomfortable, but happy.

☞ we don't talk of love, we're much too shy, but nervously we wonder when and why

[had_not_lived]

It was bound to happen eventually; by breaking the silence he'd ruined the illusion, but sooner or later one of them would have had to move anyway. He pulled back just a little, enough that he could look down and see more than mussed blonde hair.

This, he felt, was the point where he ought to do something romantic, or at least affectionate. Needless to say he had no idea what and rather suspected he wouldn't be able to manage it if he did have a clue. So he settled on smiling-- that bright grin that was for Todd alone. It was as close as he could manage to saying I love you.

And even that made him feel self-conscious and sappy.

☞ we don't talk of love, we're much too shy, but nervously we wonder when and why

[had_not_lived]

That unguarded grin makes all this worthwhile, their stiff and unnatural pose fading out of the foreground of his mind. Emotional intimacy was better without words, stumbling and stuttering like they had when this had all come out into the open; moments like this made all the uncertainty, the weeks of absolute terror fall out of his memory for as long as they lasted. There couldn't be anything wrong about this.

Neil tried on a daily basis to make everyone else see how wonderful Todd was; but he took a selfish joy in the fact that no one else could know him quite this well; that no one else got that smile.

He shifted a little, embarrassment starting to get the better of him in spite of his thoughts. Because of them, maybe.

"Breakfast?"

It meant getting up, of course. But maybe it didn't matter, whether they touched; they weren't any less close because of it.

☞ we don't talk of love, we're much too shy, but nervously we wonder when and why

[had_not_lived]

Neil laughed as well, soft and low, shuffling a little and putting more space between them as he moved off the bed. He brushed Todd's shoulder lightly as he did, as casually as he could; a subdued show of affection, reassurance that he wasn't trying to get away from him, even if he couldn't quite manage being this close.