12 1/2 thoughts on the World Cup to-date
1. Vuvuzelas. Gotta get me one.
2. Alexi Lalas doing commentary for ESPN. THANK YOU FOR GETTING SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT. The last, oh let's say since the US started airing the World Cup, the matches have been plagued by US commentators who clearly a) had never seen football in their lives b) had no idea what they were talking about c) probably weren't watching the match they were talking about. So, ESPN, thank you for Alexi. (And Alexi, thank you for shaving and cutting your hair).
2 1/2. And thank you for mixing match commentary with Brits and Americans, because John Harknes you are no presenter and if you didn't have Adrian Healey I'd be watching this on Univision like usual.
3. France. France France France. You know this happened because you nicked Ireland's spot, right? I just... wow y'all. I have never seen self-destruction quite like that.
4. Landon Donovan and Clint Dempsey slash? Yes, I think I'd like to read that*. Or any other USA slash you have going on.
*I was watching Dempsey earlier talking to the ref and Donovan came over to pat him on the hip and Dempsey brushed him away, like, "No, not now." And all I could think was, "if not now, then when?" Tell me about when.
5. Bob Bradley looks SO retired military with the shaved head and the craggy hotass features. Please come and order me around, Coach. I will do as many drills as you want. Who knew I had an old (er) man kink like that?
5 1/2. Michael Bradley, do I adore you because of your daddy, or because you wear your serious face all the time? Inquiring minds want to know if you ever smile.
5 1/2 #2. Hiiiiiii, Tim Howard. Hi.
6. Cameroon. Call me. All of you.
7. Portugal, what the fuck man? I was away for 20 minutes. One minute it's 2-0 the next it's 7-0? I mean did you really have to spank them that hard?
7 1/2. Don't talk about Cristiano Ronaldo like he's the Messiah. Just don't. He doesn't shit golden eggs. He is not going to fix the oil spill in The Gulf. Stop blowing smoke up his ass: he is not the second coming of Pele!
8. What I really really appreciate about football is that 60% of any national side is comprised of pure hotassery. Most everyone has talent, but the hotass. If you are not watching the most amazing display of manflash since Rudy was naked in the tent at Camp Mathilda I just... I am sorry for you.
9. Argentina. Maradona is doing it again, people. Buttfuck crazy, but getting the job done. Other countries, TAKE NOTE.
10. England. Really, people? REALLY?
11. Dear players. There has been some seriously appalling ball played in some of these matches. I mean like ballsack ugly. I know you all don't spend so much time together that you walk about with your cocks up each others asses like the league teams do, but can we get a little fucking cohesion? A little bit of fucking teamwork? I could get a pack of 12 year olds off the street and they could communicate better.
Learn how to finish your fucking shots. Oh my god, when will you learn about follow through? Completion! For the love of Rudy! Would you only fuck until you almost came? I think not! So for the love of god, get the ball in the fucking net. That goes for all of you.
12. And so as not to end on a bitter note, I would like to thank every last one of you all over the world for the genetics in your countries that have enabled this World Cup to have the highest concentration of hotass to-date. I know that's not an easy task, but you all came through beautifully. And every time a match is over and shirts are exchanged and bare flesh is exposed, I am grateful.
♥
ETA: I am seriously about to slash the entire USA squad. OMG. Is he crying? I love football (soccer). Y'all don't even know.
ETA #2: Now with visuals courtesy of xenakis_!
2. Alexi Lalas doing commentary for ESPN. THANK YOU FOR GETTING SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT. The last, oh let's say since the US started airing the World Cup, the matches have been plagued by US commentators who clearly a) had never seen football in their lives b) had no idea what they were talking about c) probably weren't watching the match they were talking about. So, ESPN, thank you for Alexi. (And Alexi, thank you for shaving and cutting your hair).
2 1/2. And thank you for mixing match commentary with Brits and Americans, because John Harknes you are no presenter and if you didn't have Adrian Healey I'd be watching this on Univision like usual.
3. France. France France France. You know this happened because you nicked Ireland's spot, right? I just... wow y'all. I have never seen self-destruction quite like that.
4. Landon Donovan and Clint Dempsey slash? Yes, I think I'd like to read that*. Or any other USA slash you have going on.
*I was watching Dempsey earlier talking to the ref and Donovan came over to pat him on the hip and Dempsey brushed him away, like, "No, not now." And all I could think was, "if not now, then when?" Tell me about when.
5. Bob Bradley looks SO retired military with the shaved head and the craggy hotass features. Please come and order me around, Coach. I will do as many drills as you want. Who knew I had an old (er) man kink like that?
5 1/2. Michael Bradley, do I adore you because of your daddy, or because you wear your serious face all the time? Inquiring minds want to know if you ever smile.
5 1/2 #2. Hiiiiiii, Tim Howard. Hi.
6. Cameroon. Call me. All of you.
7. Portugal, what the fuck man? I was away for 20 minutes. One minute it's 2-0 the next it's 7-0? I mean did you really have to spank them that hard?
7 1/2. Don't talk about Cristiano Ronaldo like he's the Messiah. Just don't. He doesn't shit golden eggs. He is not going to fix the oil spill in The Gulf. Stop blowing smoke up his ass: he is not the second coming of Pele!
8. What I really really appreciate about football is that 60% of any national side is comprised of pure hotassery. Most everyone has talent, but the hotass. If you are not watching the most amazing display of manflash since Rudy was naked in the tent at Camp Mathilda I just... I am sorry for you.
9. Argentina. Maradona is doing it again, people. Buttfuck crazy, but getting the job done. Other countries, TAKE NOTE.
10. England. Really, people? REALLY?
11. Dear players. There has been some seriously appalling ball played in some of these matches. I mean like ballsack ugly. I know you all don't spend so much time together that you walk about with your cocks up each others asses like the league teams do, but can we get a little fucking cohesion? A little bit of fucking teamwork? I could get a pack of 12 year olds off the street and they could communicate better.
Learn how to finish your fucking shots. Oh my god, when will you learn about follow through? Completion! For the love of Rudy! Would you only fuck until you almost came? I think not! So for the love of god, get the ball in the fucking net. That goes for all of you.
12. And so as not to end on a bitter note, I would like to thank every last one of you all over the world for the genetics in your countries that have enabled this World Cup to have the highest concentration of hotass to-date. I know that's not an easy task, but you all came through beautifully. And every time a match is over and shirts are exchanged and bare flesh is exposed, I am grateful.
♥
ETA: I am seriously about to slash the entire USA squad. OMG. Is he crying? I love football (soccer). Y'all don't even know.
ETA #2: Now with visuals courtesy of xenakis_!