Stark. Tony Stark.
I HAVE SEEN IRON MAN 2.
Uh.
Uh.
OH MY MOTHERFUCKING GOD.
So, like first. There is Bob. I love Bob. Do you love Bob?
Why are you here if you don't love Bob?
Do you love Bob in a suit, in a red one, maybe blue?
A shiny suit with moving parts, a black striped suit makes me see hearts.
Yes, to answer your question. Iron Man 2 has reduced me to Dr. Seuss type rhymes. Deal bitches! It's gonna be like this for at least the next week or three.
So, what are hackthis' thoughts on Iron Man:
THE GOOD
* Robert Motherfucking Downey Jr. This man was made to play this role. The suits. The smiles. The EVERYTHING.
* Iron Man arms. Shallow yes, but still hooray. And his chest. Oh, Bob, why are you so hot like this. I do not know why. Ari doesn't know why. But it makes us both cry (with lust). I did not make that rhyme on purpose. That was a total accident.
* Tony cooked. And it took him three hours (makes story notes). And he tried to tell Pepper he loved her. Awwww. He totally failboated but still.
* Don Motherfucking Cheadle. Thank you, Don, for coming and saving the role of Rhodey from the sleazy nastiness that is Terrance Howard. I have never liked Terrance Howard. He was arrested for domestic violence. I hope he rots. I digress.
Dear Don,
You are Tony's BFF. I see you as a real BFF. You started a fight at Tony's fucking birthday party. Which was being DJ'd by DJ AM (Rest in Peace, Adam). Anyway. You looked good in War Machine. Big ups.
* Roger fucking Sterling as Howard Stark. That's right bitches. Roger Sterling from Mad Men as Tony's daddy. I bet that'll fuck your head up the next time you see Mad Men.
* The clothes. Lord, Janis Joplin wanted you to buy her a Mercedes Benz. I am not that difficult, just hook me up with all the dresses Gwenyth and ScarJo wore and we'll be gravy.
* Samuel Motherfucking Jackson. SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE! Oh, wait, wrong movie. Still, I loved the scene with Tony and Nick at Randy's Donut shop. This is the kind of shit I want to fic about, banter! Love the banter! (The same goes for the scene when they were sitting in the remains of Tony's place after Rhodey and he and fought. Sam Jackson is just so awesome). ♥
* Tony/Pepper. Yeah. I ship it bitches. And then it happened. Shocked the hell out of me. It's nice when there's actual character development.
* The new Audi R11. Oh, precious. You are so shiny.
* Agent Coulson AND Christine Everhart reprisals. Check out the continuity bitches! I love Phil. I hope there will be more Phil, but I do not have much faith in Marvel directors who are not Jon Favreau. Speaking of Jon, normally I get really irritated by directors who insist on being in their movies, but Jon is really good as Happy Hogan. I am okay with this.
* THE MOTHERFUCKING HAMMER OF THOR AFTER THE CREDITS. Okay, see, I know Thor the movie is having issues. Anthony Hopkins is being a diva and talking shit about George Kirk Chris Hemsworth. And yet, I stuck around because I knew... I just knew there was a cookie. The hammer of Thor made a fucking crater in the earth. Good times.
THE MEH
* Sam Rockwell. Meh. I don't dislike Sam he just never done anything for me. That's how I felt here. I liked the suits though. The suits were really nice. Wardrobe on this entire movie was SO MONEY.
* Scarlett Johnanssen. I don't get the fuss. Never have. She wasn't bad... she just wasn't anything. Homegirl can't act. I know she wants her own franchise, but uh, why? Shit man, Jen Garner kicks more ass taking her kids to and from the playground.
*Mickey Rourke. I.... eh.
(Please note that I did not object strenuously to any of the above characters, I just did not really think much of them. They were wall paper. And Mickey Rourke is just hella greasy. And his nails were weird looking. They looked like he was wearing acrylics. I wouldn't have noticed if they hadn't shown him making so much stuff.)
THE SAY WHAT NOW?
* Jarvis was in two scenes. TWO SCENES?! You all deprive me of the voice of sex god Paul Bettany and you expect me to be okay with it? NO!
* Tony made Pepper CEO. I see the business sense, and yet... this did not work real well for me. Pepper's *been* running Stark Industries since Tony became Iron Man, probably before that, and yet suddenly she can't hack it? I don't think so.
* The minature village of the 1974 Stark Expo, which Tony just happened to have left in his office, was actually a diagram of the arc reactor, which Tony turned into a new element. Uh, come again?
* Tony almost died. And then he invented a new element to save himself. Oh, comic books I love you so.
*For the last... oh, say, five months there's been a promo of Pepper kissing the Iron Man helmet and then throwing it out of a cargo plane with Tony hollering "You complete me!" as he follows it. Where the hell was that scene in this movie? I did not leave my seat, so unless I had a non-alcoholic blackout, WTF?
IN CONCLUSION
I give it two thumbs up, fine holiday hotass fun. Bob was fab. Don and Sam were fab. The shiny, awesome, we-do-not-take-our-shit-too-seriously aspect? Fab?
I will be seeing it again. Probably next week.
I am, also, thanks to the twelve thousand promos before the movie, most DEFINITELY interested in Inception. I do not give a rat's ass about Leo DeCaprio, but Joseph Gordon Levitt, Cillian Murphy, Ken Watanabe and Ellen Page in a movie by Christopher Nolan? Bring it!
Uh.
Uh.
OH MY MOTHERFUCKING GOD.
So, like first. There is Bob. I love Bob. Do you love Bob?
Why are you here if you don't love Bob?
Do you love Bob in a suit, in a red one, maybe blue?
A shiny suit with moving parts, a black striped suit makes me see hearts.
Yes, to answer your question. Iron Man 2 has reduced me to Dr. Seuss type rhymes. Deal bitches! It's gonna be like this for at least the next week or three.
So, what are hackthis' thoughts on Iron Man:
THE GOOD
* Robert Motherfucking Downey Jr. This man was made to play this role. The suits. The smiles. The EVERYTHING.
* Iron Man arms. Shallow yes, but still hooray. And his chest. Oh, Bob, why are you so hot like this. I do not know why. Ari doesn't know why. But it makes us both cry (with lust). I did not make that rhyme on purpose. That was a total accident.
* Tony cooked. And it took him three hours (makes story notes). And he tried to tell Pepper he loved her. Awwww. He totally failboated but still.
* Don Motherfucking Cheadle. Thank you, Don, for coming and saving the role of Rhodey from the sleazy nastiness that is Terrance Howard. I have never liked Terrance Howard. He was arrested for domestic violence. I hope he rots. I digress.
Dear Don,
You are Tony's BFF. I see you as a real BFF. You started a fight at Tony's fucking birthday party. Which was being DJ'd by DJ AM (Rest in Peace, Adam). Anyway. You looked good in War Machine. Big ups.
* Roger fucking Sterling as Howard Stark. That's right bitches. Roger Sterling from Mad Men as Tony's daddy. I bet that'll fuck your head up the next time you see Mad Men.
* The clothes. Lord, Janis Joplin wanted you to buy her a Mercedes Benz. I am not that difficult, just hook me up with all the dresses Gwenyth and ScarJo wore and we'll be gravy.
* Samuel Motherfucking Jackson. SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE! Oh, wait, wrong movie. Still, I loved the scene with Tony and Nick at Randy's Donut shop. This is the kind of shit I want to fic about, banter! Love the banter! (The same goes for the scene when they were sitting in the remains of Tony's place after Rhodey and he and fought. Sam Jackson is just so awesome). ♥
* Tony/Pepper. Yeah. I ship it bitches. And then it happened. Shocked the hell out of me. It's nice when there's actual character development.
* The new Audi R11. Oh, precious. You are so shiny.
* Agent Coulson AND Christine Everhart reprisals. Check out the continuity bitches! I love Phil. I hope there will be more Phil, but I do not have much faith in Marvel directors who are not Jon Favreau. Speaking of Jon, normally I get really irritated by directors who insist on being in their movies, but Jon is really good as Happy Hogan. I am okay with this.
* THE MOTHERFUCKING HAMMER OF THOR AFTER THE CREDITS. Okay, see, I know Thor the movie is having issues. Anthony Hopkins is being a diva and talking shit about George Kirk Chris Hemsworth. And yet, I stuck around because I knew... I just knew there was a cookie. The hammer of Thor made a fucking crater in the earth. Good times.
THE MEH
* Sam Rockwell. Meh. I don't dislike Sam he just never done anything for me. That's how I felt here. I liked the suits though. The suits were really nice. Wardrobe on this entire movie was SO MONEY.
* Scarlett Johnanssen. I don't get the fuss. Never have. She wasn't bad... she just wasn't anything. Homegirl can't act. I know she wants her own franchise, but uh, why? Shit man, Jen Garner kicks more ass taking her kids to and from the playground.
*Mickey Rourke. I.... eh.
(Please note that I did not object strenuously to any of the above characters, I just did not really think much of them. They were wall paper. And Mickey Rourke is just hella greasy. And his nails were weird looking. They looked like he was wearing acrylics. I wouldn't have noticed if they hadn't shown him making so much stuff.)
THE SAY WHAT NOW?
* Jarvis was in two scenes. TWO SCENES?! You all deprive me of the voice of sex god Paul Bettany and you expect me to be okay with it? NO!
* Tony made Pepper CEO. I see the business sense, and yet... this did not work real well for me. Pepper's *been* running Stark Industries since Tony became Iron Man, probably before that, and yet suddenly she can't hack it? I don't think so.
* The minature village of the 1974 Stark Expo, which Tony just happened to have left in his office, was actually a diagram of the arc reactor, which Tony turned into a new element. Uh, come again?
* Tony almost died. And then he invented a new element to save himself. Oh, comic books I love you so.
*For the last... oh, say, five months there's been a promo of Pepper kissing the Iron Man helmet and then throwing it out of a cargo plane with Tony hollering "You complete me!" as he follows it. Where the hell was that scene in this movie? I did not leave my seat, so unless I had a non-alcoholic blackout, WTF?
IN CONCLUSION
I give it two thumbs up, fine holiday hotass fun. Bob was fab. Don and Sam were fab. The shiny, awesome, we-do-not-take-our-shit-too-seriously aspect? Fab?
I will be seeing it again. Probably next week.
I am, also, thanks to the twelve thousand promos before the movie, most DEFINITELY interested in Inception. I do not give a rat's ass about Leo DeCaprio, but Joseph Gordon Levitt, Cillian Murphy, Ken Watanabe and Ellen Page in a movie by Christopher Nolan? Bring it!