To all my lurkers: It was so nice to hear from you and I assure you every day is Amnesty Day so always feel free to drop by.
FYI: there is no defense for this. There is only the crack and the crack is AWESOME. Based on some random concept that I threw out there yesterday...
For
lazlet,
serialkarma and
sparky77, who I suspect are the only people that will actually appreciate it. Inspired by the striking resemblance between Jeremy Renner and Ben McKenzie, I present:
Southland/The Unusuals
Ben/Cooper, Walsh
Rated PG-13
A Bad Man Would Be Good For You
It starts with a phone call.
Ben's at John's place, not really doing much: hanging out, watching TV, trying to get laid. The usual. John Cooper can be a seriously irritating prude when he wants to be. Oh sure, he'll give Ben hand jobs against the wall of convenient alleys and in the back of the squad car if Ben asks nicely. He'll even suck Ben off and let Ben suck him off, but getting John completely naked is like trying to invade a goddamn island nation from a life raft.
The point is that Ben is very much not getting laid when the phone rings. Ben looks at John and John looks at Ben, because technically Ben's a lot closer to the phone than he is, but whatever.
Ben hits the speakerphone.
"Yeah?" John says.
"ARE YOU FUCKING MY BABY BROTHER?!" a very distinctive voice hollers over the connection.
Ben can feel his eyes almost fall out of his head.
John's grin promises all kinds of retribution. "Jason. Good to hear your voice. What's that you say? 'Hey, Cooper, how're you doing? How's L.A.? How's the ex-wife? Still gay? Got shot lately?'"
Ben covers his eyes with his hand. It doesn't drown out his brother's voice, but still. "Shut the fuck up, you woolly mammoth," Jason Walsh says loudly.
John snorts next to Ben. "Woolly Mammoth? Really, Walsh?"
"Fuck you, Coop, I told you to look out for Ben, not fuck him up the ass."
"I plead the fifth."
There's a pause. "Holy shit, you really are fucking my brother, aren't you?" There's another pause. "Why the hell am I on speakerphone?"
John pokes Ben in the ribs. "Yeah, Ben, why don’t you tell your brother why he's on speakerphone?"
"You're there?" Jason demands. "Benjamin Sherman you pick up this phone right the fuck now, you fucking pussy ass jailbait trainee."
Ben winces and picks up the handset, pointedly ignoring John laughing next to him. It's hard though. The entire sofa is practically vibrating with John's laughter. "Jay, hey, what's --"
"Ben, he is your training officer, you need to stop fucking him right the fuck now." Ben can just see his brother narrowing his eyes in irritation.
Ben glares at Cooper, who's stopped laughing, but is now grinning his head off. "Uh, well, I wouldn't say I was fucking him…" Ben says.
John's mouth twists into a sly smirk.
Ben can hear his brother inhale sharply. "STOP! Too much information. We'll deal with this when I get there."
"Get here? Where are you?"
"At JFK. They're calling my flight right now. I'll be there tonight."
Ben can feel the color draining out of his face. "Wait! What?"
But it's too late.
"Fuck." Ben hangs up the phone. "You had to go and tell him didn't you?"
John pats Ben on the thigh. "I'm fucking his little brother; he was going to find out eventually."
"Yeah, but really, John?"
"We were partners - gotta trust your partner."
Ben scowls. "And what are we? Acquaintences?"
John chuckles. "Something like that. Besides, what's wrong? You ashamed of me?"
"Fuck you."
"We haven't done that yet, you know."
"Really?" Ben doesn't even bother to hide his annoyance. "I hadn't noticed."
John just laughs. "Right."
Okay, it doesn't start with the phone call; it starts with the fact that Ben has an older brother. Actually, it doesn't quite start there.
No, it does.
It definitely starts there, because Ben has an older brother named Jason from his dad's first marriage.
Yeah, Ben's dad's got a few miles on him, but Ben doesn't like talking about his dad because he's an asshole. He may be Ben's dad, but he's still an asshole. One is not mutually exclusive of the other.
Anyway, this is only important because Ben's mom isn't the first wife that Ben's dad ran out on. Before that there was Jason's mom.
They're only half-brothers, but like they say in Clueless: you divorce wives, not kids. (Olivia loves Clueless, she's made Ben watch it twenty-three times.)
So Ben's got a brother, Jason, who he loves, because Jason is awesome and Jason has always taken Ben under his wing. And maybe Mr. Cook taught Ben how to shoot, but Jason's the one who taught Ben how to swim -- by pushing him in a lake -- and how to ride a bike -- by taking the training wheels off and leaving him three miles from home.
So, yeah. Ben loves his brother.
The fact that they look like full blood relations is just a bonus.
The thing about Jason, though, is that he lives in New York. He originally went out east to play baseball for one of the New York teams. Ben remembers how excited he was -- how excited everyone was -- and then there was this thing. This accident with -- okay, it wasn't an accident at all.
Someone killed Jason's girlfriend during a mugging, and Jason got injured, and there went his dreams of baseball and better days. It all fucking sucked, because that's kind of how life is. You don't get what you want or deserve, you just get what you get.
So Jason came home to L.A. to be with his mom and get his shit together. And if Ben hovered a little bit, Jason didn't seem to mind much. Of course Ben was only 13 and Jason was 24, but still. Jason's Ben's brother and you look out for family, even when your dad is an asshole.
And somewhere along the way, Jason decided that what he really wanted to do was be a cop.
So he joined the LAPD.
And that's where Jason Walsh met John Cooper.
Jason's at Ben's place when he gets home. Actually, Jason's sitting on the steps of Ben's house, sprawled out on the porch, duffle bag at his feet, ass on the welcome mat and hands resting behind his head as he leans against the front door.
Ben puts down the kickstand on his motorcycle, turns off the engine and removes his helmet. "Enjoying yourself?" he says, climbing off and stretching his muscles.
Jason smirks. "It's February, we're in Santa Monica and it's fucking 70 degrees at 6 o'clock at night. Do you know how fucking cold it is in Manhattan right now?"
Ben smiles. "No."
Jason laughs. "Asshole," he says, getting to his feet.
They meet in the middle of the yard, right by the lemon tree. Jason's face has a few more lines; he seems more weathered but less troubled. He looks like he's okay.
Ben grins. "Hey," he says, almost shyly, as Jason wraps him into this bone-crushing hug, which Ben has always appreciated. He always feels safe with his brother.
"What's up, kid?" Jason says, patting Ben on the back hard. "I hear you're fucking my ex-partner."
Ben rubs his forehead. "You heard that, huh?"
"Were you gonna tell me or were you waiting for the commitment ceremony?"
Ben blinks.
Jason laughs. "Calm the fuck down, still not the marrying kind, I hear you."
Ben smacks Jason on the arm. "Are you going to make an honest woman out of your girlfriend then?"
Jason looks suitably appalled. "She's not my girlfriend, she's my woman. And I know you don't call Cooper your boyfriend, so you can shut the fuck up."
Ben's sure he looks suitably scandalized. "My boyfriend? I'm not fucking twelve!"
"Exactly." Jason gestures towards the motorcycle. "She looks good, you treating her well?"
Ben looks over at Betsy, the motorcycle Jason bequeathed to him before he left for the East Coast. "Yeah, just like my big brother taught me."
Jason squeezes Ben's shoulder. "Yeah, but I bet your big brother didn't tell you to start fucking his ex-partner six months out of the Academy."
Ben shrugs. "I like him. I've always liked him. Suck it up."
It's Jason's turn to stare. "What do you mean you've always liked him? Where the fuck was I? I was one of the groomsmen at his wedding, Ben!"
Ben smiles thinly.
Jason's mouth drops open just that little bit. "That's why you got fucking loaded and I had to come and pick you up at my mom's the next morning, isn't it? Holy shit!"
"I was hoping you'd forgotten about that," Ben says wryly.
Jason hoots with laughter. "Does Cooper know? Tell me Cooper knows you've been pining away like a fucking twelve year old-girl for the last ten years. TELL ME. You do call him your boyfriend, don't you?"
Ben belts Jason in the ribs hard enough for Jason to double over.
"Okay, okay," he wheezes. "I get it."
The first time Ben Sherman met John Cooper he was thirteen years old. He was an honors student in ninth grade at Beverly Hills High School and a member of the model UN. He played lacrosse and soccer for the junior varsity teams at school, and on Sundays he did volunteer work for Big Brothers and Big Sisters even though he was too young to be a Big Brother himself.
And all of that didn't mean much when Aaron Winkler taunted him about his dad running around setting up fucking franchises with all the hot young women he could find. The franchises remark was an ode to Fight Club, which had just come out. Ben had seen it three times, twice with Jason.
He knew exactly what Aaron was saying about his dad. He also knew what Aaron was saying about his mom. That she was a trophy wife. A whore. He didn't give a shit about the dad thing, but nobody talked badly about his mom.
And that's how the fight started.
It finished with Ben waiting to see the principal with blood, not his own, smeared across his knuckles. Suspension was going to be a nightmare; Ben wasn't even sure his mom would be able to come to pick him up, which meant the school would probably call his dad.
Instead Jason walked through the door in his uniform, with his shiny badge and Glock 9mm, and hot on his heels was this massive guy with arms as big as Ben's thighs and a jaw like Clint Eastwood.
When Jason saw Ben he just shook his head and gave him a raised eyebrow. He had a brief word with the receptionist, and then he crossed the room to where Ben was sitting and crouched down to look Ben in the eye. "You okay?"
Ben nodded.
"Don't worry," his brother said, patting his knee. "I've got this. Cooper'll sit with you to make sure you don’t start another riot though. Okay, Scrappy?"
Ben looked from Jason to Cooper, and his body had one of the most inappropriate reactions possible. He just folded his hands in his lap and looked down at his shoes.
Cooper sat down next to him, taking up his entire chair and some of Ben's as well.
They sat in silence for a while and then Cooper said, "I saw the other kid. Not a bad job, Walsh."
"Sherman," Ben corrected. "My last name's Sherman."
"Sherman," Cooper said. "Sorry."
"It's my mom's name. Jason uses his mom's name."
"Got it," Cooper said.
Ben twisted his hands in his lap and willed his body to stop doing what it was doing.
"It'll help if you close your fist tighter next time," Cooper said, tapping Ben's wrist. "Don’t tuck your thumb. People always want to tuck their thumb. That's a disaster. You break your wrist like that."
Ben looked down at Cooper's fingers and then up at Cooper, and Cooper smiled at him, wide and honest and with a slight twist to his mouth.
Ben exhaled softly.
Like he didn't have enough problems already.
"In the back."
Ben looks around the parking lot. "What?"
John's grin is sharp. "In the back," he says nodding his head towards the rear of the squad car.
Ben looks at his hand on the door of the passenger seat and then it clicks. "No."
"Did you just tell me 'no'?"
"He doesn't even work here anymore," Ben protests.
"Yeah, but he has seniority."
"Are you serious?" Ben sputters. "That's bullshit!"
Out the corner of Ben's eye, Jason grins. "You let him talk to you like that, Cooper? Man, I'd never put up with a mouthy trainee -- you have to shut that shit down from the start."
"You, shut up," Ben says.
"Oh, you let him talk to you like that?" Cooper mocks Jason.
"Hey, I'm not the one getting my cock sucked," Jason counters.
"Shut. Up," Ben orders.
"Oh, now you're talking to me like that?" Jason says, setting his Styrofoam cup of coffee on the roof of the squad car.
Ben grins. "Don't even start," he says, setting his coffee next to his brother's.
Over the top of the car, Ben can see John sipping his coffee.
"I'm not fighting you over Coop's pasty ass," Jason says taking off his jacket and throwing it on the trunk. He beckons Ben out onto the otherwise deserted parking area. "But I will totally fight you for shotgun."
Ben grins. "That seat is mine," he says, rolling his shoulders to loosen them up.
"What do you mean you're not fighting over me?!" Cooper says in mock outrage. "Fuck both of you, I'm leaving your pasty asses here," he announces before getting in the car and taking off.
Ben and Jason watch as their coffees roll off the top of the car and land on the pavement inches away from Jason's jacket.
Jason looks over at Ben. "Your man is going down."
Ben smirks. "As long as it's not on you."
For six years, Jason was partners with John Cooper. For five years, Ben would get random drive-bys at least three times a week of John and Jason just checking up on him and checking in. Twice a month Jason would also pick Ben up from his mom's house and take him out. The movies, the Dodgers, the park, the beach, shopping for condoms or bikes or books or whatever it was that dads normally did, Ben did with Jason instead.
When Ben decided he liked girls and boys, Jason was the first one to know. When Cooper got engaged and Jason had to get a tuxedo, because he'd burned every suit he owned when he joined the force, he took Ben shopping with him. When Ben was looking at colleges, Jason took a week off to fly to the east coast to look at schools with him. And when Ben chose Columbia, Jason announced that he was going to transfer to the NYPD.
And then Ben's mom got sick, and Columbia was traded in for UCLA, but Jason's transfer had already gone through.
After college graduation, Ben was supposed to join the Peace Corps (his mom) or go to law school (his father)… instead he joined the LAPD.
When he told Jason, Jason hung up on him and didn't call him back for three days, and then he just showed up on Ben's doorstep.
They got drunk for a week.
Ben's pretty sure that Jason and John engineered his getting assigned as John's trainee. He's also very sure neither one of them knew dick about his crush on Cooper.
Sometimes it's nice to surprise people who've known you for a while.
They're at Ben's house, sitting around the kitchen table, drinking beer and eating wings from Hooters, because the wings at Hooters really are that good. The game is playing loudly in the other room, and eventually they'll move there.
It's messy and sloppy and perfect. It makes Ben wish Jason would come home. He knows Jason would come back to L.A. if Ben asked, which is why Ben doesn't. Jason's clearly happy in New York, and he's got a new woman (Allison), who he's clearly crazy about. Ben's grown now, he has a life of his own; he doesn't need his brother to hold his hand anymore.
"What the fuck are you simpering about?" John says, poking Ben in the ribs.
Ben shakes his head. "What? Simpering? I don’t simper. Fuck you."
Jason grins. "Yeah, you are, Scrappy. What're you so happy about? It's suspicious."
"I could handcuff him and interrogate him," John says thoughtfully.
"Please don't ever tell me anything about your sex life again," Jason begs.
"Hey, did I say anything about the lube we keep in the glove compartment? You notice any stains in the backseat of the car? No condom wrappers under the seat either. More than I could say for your whoring ass, Walsh."
"I am scarred for life," Jason says, getting to his feet. "You want another beer?"
Ben watches his brother move around his kitchen easily, his attention only called away by John's fingers turning his chin in his direction. "What's up, Sherman? I can hear your brain working too hard."
Ben shrugs. "Nothing. I'm good."
John looks dubious. "You sure?"
"I'm just happy. Can't I be happy for five minutes?"
John purses his lips and Ben reaches out and rubs the side of Cooper's head, his fingernails scratching the short blond hair. "I really am happy, just go with it, okay?"
When he pulls back, John's face is still.
"Okay?" Ben prods.
"Okay," he says after a moment
"Jesus Christ," Jason interrupts. "That was almost touching. I better get back to the city before you make me gay too. I'd hate to explain that one to Allison. Went out to see my baby brother, who's fucking my ex-partner, and now I'm part of the Rainbow Coalition."
"You've been taking it up the ass from me for years," John says. "I don't know why you're being a bitch about it now."
Ben smacks him on the arm. "That's not even funny."
Jason and John share a look. "I dunno," Jason says. "I thought it was pretty funny."
"Oh, fuck you too," Ben says, aggrieved.
"One at a time," John says. "Make a line to the right."
"You're not that good, Cooper," Jason teases.
"He's right," Ben agrees.
"Not that you would know," John taunts.
"Wait, you mean you haven't even --" Jason stops himself. "Really?"
"I'm trying," Ben says. "He's being sadistic."
Both Cooper and Jason laugh riotously.
"I wouldn't want you to think I was easy," John says. "I know your family."
Ben stares. "Fuck both of you," he retorts.
John and Jason only laugh harder.
"I'll have to pass," Jason says eventually with a dramatic sigh. "I try not to get into family sloppy seconds. But I'll tell you now, Cooper, you break his heart, and I'll break your kneecaps."
Cooper gives Ben a sly grin. "The protective thing, I get it."
Ben rolls his eyes. "Yeah, you're getting it. I wish I was."
"After your brother leaves," Cooper promises. "Maybe."
"Jay, isn't it time for you to head back to New York?"
Jason just laughs. "I get the hint, Ben. Promise."
-end-
Betas by
lazlet and
sparky77. Crack all by me. See
serialkarma there are wings. CHICKEN WINGS!