more smallville fic.
Why did my hair go from a Cordelia to a Chloe in under 24 hours? Why does my paid account run out two days after my birthday? Why is Lex so hot? Questions the universe that gives us King of the Hill may never answer. Typical.
ISO
For happyminion, rosenho, and andariell. Don't worry, be happy!
“I know what I think you said.” A pause. “But I also know you well enough to be sure that that’s not what you actually said. So perhaps you would be good enough to repeat yourself again,” Lex offers, leaning back in his chair and waiting for Clark to correct his prior statement. There is going to be a correction, Lex is sure of it.
He’ll just sit at his desk and wait until it comes to pass because Clark must be confused. There is no way he’s suggesting what Lex thinks he’s suggesting, and since Lex never gets confused… Except for that one time in Coast City, but that was all because of the drugs - and Marshall. He’s not going to get wistful over the good old days though.
“I said, I think you should try a dating service,” Clark repeats quite calmly, although there seems to be a smirk on his face that Lex is sure wasn’t there before. Lex never remembers Clark being the smirking kind. Something is obviously amiss. Even more amiss than the idea of Lex using a dating service.
“Clark,” he begins, very much wanting to ask what the fuck Clark is thinking. Instead he makes himself with content with, “what makes you think that I need a dating service?”
“Because, “ Clark says, as though that settles the chicken versus egg debate.
“Because,” Lex echoes. In his head, a voice is saying it’s because Lex hasn’t been laid in so long he’s probably forgotten how to insert tab A in slot B. Lex is going to sedate that voice with Everclear later in the evening.
“I don’t need a dating service,” he tells Clark. His voice is firm, his ass is still firm too. How can Clark think he needs a dating service? He was just married for crissake. He’ll conveniently omit the part about her being a homicidal maniac who just wanted him for his money.
Yet another reason not to even think about dating.
“How are you going to meet anybody otherwise?” Clark is persistent, and Lex normally appreciates that, but the dog and bone analogy is not something he wants to reward today. No cookies definitely.
“I live in Smallville. If I want to meet people I’ll go to Metropolis.” If Lex wants sex he’s got a black book that’s more like an encyclopedia. If Lex wants, Lex can have.
Well, except for one or two things.
“Yeah, but aren’t you supposed to get married and have lots of little Luthors?” Christ, perish the thought. Knowing Lex’s luck they’ll all wind up like his father.
“If I’m anything to go by, I’m not sure I want any little Luthors, Clark.”
“I bet you were cute kid, Lex,” Clark says, and Lex feels the need to laugh in ways he can’t remember ever laughing. Not without the aid of drugs at any rate.
“I was a nightmare.” Lex means it literally. He’s had flashbacks and scared himself half to death. “That’s not the point, though, so you can stop trying to distract me now. I’m not interested in a dating service, Clark.”
“Okay, then how about a personal ad?” Lex thinks he might have stepped into an alternate reality this morning. Either that or he’s not as clean as he thought, but he can’t remember speaking to Toby in ages. Maybe Enrique has started taking liberties.
“I am not doing a personal ad, Clark.”
“Don’t say no, just yet, it could work you know.” Only if Clark is the one answering the ad.
“No, Clark.”
“Stop being so cynical.”
“It’s what I do, Clark. I get paid big money to be cynical.” Well, he used to get paid big money, now he just gets paid the little money, but still.
“…everybody wants to meet their soulmate, Lex.” What. The. Hell.
“I am not interested in anything called a ‘soulmate,’ and you need to stop watching late night television, Clark. Obviously it’s ruining your brain.” The least Clark can do if he’s going to stay up late and watch tripe is to watch quality tripe, like the soft porn kind.
“Lex, I’m serious. You just need to tell me what your type is, and then I send it to this dating agency, and then, instant mate.”
“Clark, I do not want a soulmate. I do not want to use a dating agency, and I most definitely do not want anything to do with something called an instant mate.” An instant mate sounds like instant coffee and Lex hates instant coffee. Next Clark will tell him that his instant mate comes in a jar and he’ll just have to add water.
Chia pets for the single.
Absolutely not.
Lex watches warily as Clark digs in his backpack and pulls out a notebook and some newspaper clippings. Clark tosses the newspapers on Lex’s desk and opens his notebook, pausing only when he realizes that he doesn’t have a pen.
If there was a moment for ominous music, this would be it.
“What are these, Clark?” he inquires looking through the reams and clippings of gray paper on his desk.
“Examples.”
“Examples of what exactly?” Lex asks, dropping them suddenly as though they might attack.
“Other personal ads. I thought it would be good to see what they normally look like.” Clark is very enthusiastic about this idea. Lex finds it a bit creepy. There are all sorts of vicarious living that he’s willing to engage in for Clark’s sake. This is not one of them.
Picking up the clippings, he starts thumbing through them with distaste. “This joke has gone far enough, Clark. What’s a BBM? And what’s GSOH? ISO YJF with BB. N/S and N/D only. What the hell?”
“ISO means 'in search of’ and GSOH means ‘good sense of humor’. I’m not sure about all the B’s though, they could mean bi or brunette or big…” Clark knows way too much about the language of personal ads and dating agencies.
“Or bi-costal or bald.” Lex finishes. “Forget it Clark. I’m happy being single. I don’t need you to play matchmaker for me.”
“But I just - I just want you to be happy,” Clark says petulantly. Lex doesn’t need a petulant Clark on his hands. Well, if he was literally on his hands perhaps, but otherwise he’s not interested. Really.
“Happiness is a byproduct, Clark. I don’t need someone else to make me happy. I’ve got you, haven’t I?” That’s not what Lex meant to say. Doesn’t matter though, Clark is too busy scribbling in his notebook. Lex hopes he didn’t just write that down.
“Lex, you live all alone in this castle and your dad is driving you crazy.” Clark has a good point, but that still doesn’t justify this course of action. Lex does not need a teenage dating service. Next Clark will try and fix him up with Lana and Chloe.
“I never said he was driving me crazy, Clark.” And Clark should not be that adept with the eye rolling, but he is sixteen. Apparently, that’s how normal teenagers get to behave. The only time Lex has ever been able to roll his eyes without fear of losing them is in his sleep.
“...and you need someone.” Clark finishes whatever he was saying that Lex was clearly not listening to. Whatever it was though, Lex doesn’t care. He doesn’t need anybody. Okay, maybe one person, but not when that person is obviously trying to paw him off on a serial killer or somebody’s grandmother.
“Clark, what I need I doubt can be procured through the Personal Ads in the Torch or the Daily Planet,” but perhaps if he looks in the Inquisitor he might get lucky. Not that Lex is even thinking such thoughts.
“But if you don’t tell me what you want, how will I know? I mean it’s obvious you like female brunettes, but that’s about it. And I want to get it right, it’s important.”
“It’s not that important, Clark.”
“Yes, it is, Lex.” Clark seems very adamant about this. As though getting Lex a girlfriend is a do-or-die situation. Maybe Lex needs to correct his thinking.
“Clark.”
A pause.
“No one ever said they had to be female.” There, that ought to close the subject indefinitely.
“Oh. Okay. Well, I know they have ads for people who are bisexual so…” Clark knows this how? Has he been looking? Is he looking? What exactly is Clark in search of?
“I appreciate your open-mindedness, Clark, but it’s not necessary. I don’t need to be paired up. I don’t need to have an instant soul mate, or whatever it’s called these days.” Lex doesn’t need anything, how many times does he have to explain this to Clark before he gets the picture? What Lex wants he can’t have, but none of it has to do with need.
“Lex, I --“
“Clark, really. It’s all right, some of us aren’t meant to be paired up.” Some people are meant to be alone. Some people should be sterilized and put in capsules as well. When it comes time for that to happen, Lex will be only too happy to volunteer his father.
“That’s not true, Lex. I mean maybe not everybody, but you are. You’re you - and you deserve someone who knows that.” Christ, there’s idealism and then there’s Clark. He deserves his own religion for the completely hopelessly romantic.
“I don’t need the rest of the world to know that, Clark.”
“Yeah, but.”
“Clark, please.” There’s only so much baiting that Lex can take on any given day.
“Lex.”
“Clark, look. I’m not going to find what I want in any ad or any agency or anyplace but right here in this office sitting across from me. So there’s really no point in me wasting all that time, now is there?” Ah, yes. Lex didn’t mean to say that either.
“Oh. Well, couldn’t you have said something before I placed that ad on the Internet for you?”
ISO
For happyminion, rosenho, and andariell. Don't worry, be happy!
“I know what I think you said.” A pause. “But I also know you well enough to be sure that that’s not what you actually said. So perhaps you would be good enough to repeat yourself again,” Lex offers, leaning back in his chair and waiting for Clark to correct his prior statement. There is going to be a correction, Lex is sure of it.
He’ll just sit at his desk and wait until it comes to pass because Clark must be confused. There is no way he’s suggesting what Lex thinks he’s suggesting, and since Lex never gets confused… Except for that one time in Coast City, but that was all because of the drugs - and Marshall. He’s not going to get wistful over the good old days though.
“I said, I think you should try a dating service,” Clark repeats quite calmly, although there seems to be a smirk on his face that Lex is sure wasn’t there before. Lex never remembers Clark being the smirking kind. Something is obviously amiss. Even more amiss than the idea of Lex using a dating service.
“Clark,” he begins, very much wanting to ask what the fuck Clark is thinking. Instead he makes himself with content with, “what makes you think that I need a dating service?”
“Because, “ Clark says, as though that settles the chicken versus egg debate.
“Because,” Lex echoes. In his head, a voice is saying it’s because Lex hasn’t been laid in so long he’s probably forgotten how to insert tab A in slot B. Lex is going to sedate that voice with Everclear later in the evening.
“I don’t need a dating service,” he tells Clark. His voice is firm, his ass is still firm too. How can Clark think he needs a dating service? He was just married for crissake. He’ll conveniently omit the part about her being a homicidal maniac who just wanted him for his money.
Yet another reason not to even think about dating.
“How are you going to meet anybody otherwise?” Clark is persistent, and Lex normally appreciates that, but the dog and bone analogy is not something he wants to reward today. No cookies definitely.
“I live in Smallville. If I want to meet people I’ll go to Metropolis.” If Lex wants sex he’s got a black book that’s more like an encyclopedia. If Lex wants, Lex can have.
Well, except for one or two things.
“Yeah, but aren’t you supposed to get married and have lots of little Luthors?” Christ, perish the thought. Knowing Lex’s luck they’ll all wind up like his father.
“If I’m anything to go by, I’m not sure I want any little Luthors, Clark.”
“I bet you were cute kid, Lex,” Clark says, and Lex feels the need to laugh in ways he can’t remember ever laughing. Not without the aid of drugs at any rate.
“I was a nightmare.” Lex means it literally. He’s had flashbacks and scared himself half to death. “That’s not the point, though, so you can stop trying to distract me now. I’m not interested in a dating service, Clark.”
“Okay, then how about a personal ad?” Lex thinks he might have stepped into an alternate reality this morning. Either that or he’s not as clean as he thought, but he can’t remember speaking to Toby in ages. Maybe Enrique has started taking liberties.
“I am not doing a personal ad, Clark.”
“Don’t say no, just yet, it could work you know.” Only if Clark is the one answering the ad.
“No, Clark.”
“Stop being so cynical.”
“It’s what I do, Clark. I get paid big money to be cynical.” Well, he used to get paid big money, now he just gets paid the little money, but still.
“…everybody wants to meet their soulmate, Lex.” What. The. Hell.
“I am not interested in anything called a ‘soulmate,’ and you need to stop watching late night television, Clark. Obviously it’s ruining your brain.” The least Clark can do if he’s going to stay up late and watch tripe is to watch quality tripe, like the soft porn kind.
“Lex, I’m serious. You just need to tell me what your type is, and then I send it to this dating agency, and then, instant mate.”
“Clark, I do not want a soulmate. I do not want to use a dating agency, and I most definitely do not want anything to do with something called an instant mate.” An instant mate sounds like instant coffee and Lex hates instant coffee. Next Clark will tell him that his instant mate comes in a jar and he’ll just have to add water.
Chia pets for the single.
Absolutely not.
Lex watches warily as Clark digs in his backpack and pulls out a notebook and some newspaper clippings. Clark tosses the newspapers on Lex’s desk and opens his notebook, pausing only when he realizes that he doesn’t have a pen.
If there was a moment for ominous music, this would be it.
“What are these, Clark?” he inquires looking through the reams and clippings of gray paper on his desk.
“Examples.”
“Examples of what exactly?” Lex asks, dropping them suddenly as though they might attack.
“Other personal ads. I thought it would be good to see what they normally look like.” Clark is very enthusiastic about this idea. Lex finds it a bit creepy. There are all sorts of vicarious living that he’s willing to engage in for Clark’s sake. This is not one of them.
Picking up the clippings, he starts thumbing through them with distaste. “This joke has gone far enough, Clark. What’s a BBM? And what’s GSOH? ISO YJF with BB. N/S and N/D only. What the hell?”
“ISO means 'in search of’ and GSOH means ‘good sense of humor’. I’m not sure about all the B’s though, they could mean bi or brunette or big…” Clark knows way too much about the language of personal ads and dating agencies.
“Or bi-costal or bald.” Lex finishes. “Forget it Clark. I’m happy being single. I don’t need you to play matchmaker for me.”
“But I just - I just want you to be happy,” Clark says petulantly. Lex doesn’t need a petulant Clark on his hands. Well, if he was literally on his hands perhaps, but otherwise he’s not interested. Really.
“Happiness is a byproduct, Clark. I don’t need someone else to make me happy. I’ve got you, haven’t I?” That’s not what Lex meant to say. Doesn’t matter though, Clark is too busy scribbling in his notebook. Lex hopes he didn’t just write that down.
“Lex, you live all alone in this castle and your dad is driving you crazy.” Clark has a good point, but that still doesn’t justify this course of action. Lex does not need a teenage dating service. Next Clark will try and fix him up with Lana and Chloe.
“I never said he was driving me crazy, Clark.” And Clark should not be that adept with the eye rolling, but he is sixteen. Apparently, that’s how normal teenagers get to behave. The only time Lex has ever been able to roll his eyes without fear of losing them is in his sleep.
“...and you need someone.” Clark finishes whatever he was saying that Lex was clearly not listening to. Whatever it was though, Lex doesn’t care. He doesn’t need anybody. Okay, maybe one person, but not when that person is obviously trying to paw him off on a serial killer or somebody’s grandmother.
“Clark, what I need I doubt can be procured through the Personal Ads in the Torch or the Daily Planet,” but perhaps if he looks in the Inquisitor he might get lucky. Not that Lex is even thinking such thoughts.
“But if you don’t tell me what you want, how will I know? I mean it’s obvious you like female brunettes, but that’s about it. And I want to get it right, it’s important.”
“It’s not that important, Clark.”
“Yes, it is, Lex.” Clark seems very adamant about this. As though getting Lex a girlfriend is a do-or-die situation. Maybe Lex needs to correct his thinking.
“Clark.”
A pause.
“No one ever said they had to be female.” There, that ought to close the subject indefinitely.
“Oh. Okay. Well, I know they have ads for people who are bisexual so…” Clark knows this how? Has he been looking? Is he looking? What exactly is Clark in search of?
“I appreciate your open-mindedness, Clark, but it’s not necessary. I don’t need to be paired up. I don’t need to have an instant soul mate, or whatever it’s called these days.” Lex doesn’t need anything, how many times does he have to explain this to Clark before he gets the picture? What Lex wants he can’t have, but none of it has to do with need.
“Lex, I --“
“Clark, really. It’s all right, some of us aren’t meant to be paired up.” Some people are meant to be alone. Some people should be sterilized and put in capsules as well. When it comes time for that to happen, Lex will be only too happy to volunteer his father.
“That’s not true, Lex. I mean maybe not everybody, but you are. You’re you - and you deserve someone who knows that.” Christ, there’s idealism and then there’s Clark. He deserves his own religion for the completely hopelessly romantic.
“I don’t need the rest of the world to know that, Clark.”
“Yeah, but.”
“Clark, please.” There’s only so much baiting that Lex can take on any given day.
“Lex.”
“Clark, look. I’m not going to find what I want in any ad or any agency or anyplace but right here in this office sitting across from me. So there’s really no point in me wasting all that time, now is there?” Ah, yes. Lex didn’t mean to say that either.
“Oh. Well, couldn’t you have said something before I placed that ad on the Internet for you?”