Make Sure They See My Face - Act VI (The End)
RPF/RPS/Entourage/CRACK!
hackthis Productions Present:
Make Sure They See My Face (The Making of a Movie in Five Acts - and one World Premiere)
featuring Ari Gold
George Clooney
Shia LaBeouf
and Milo Ventimiglia
With Viggo Mortensen. And some other folks.
Act I: Ari
Act II: Milo
Act III: Shia
Act IV: Viggo
Act V: George
Interlude (Love and Peace or Else, NC-17)
When Lloyd arrives at George Clooney's house on the day of The Frayed Edge premiere, everyone is in chaos, which is pretty much a given on a movie premiere day.
A movie premiere day where George is the producer, and Ari is on point, and there's Oscar buzz is like Defcon Chaos -- which is probably why Matt Damon opens the door of George's house with a bottle under his arm and a glass in his hand.
Lloyd's gaydar, Ari-radar and Hot Man Alert! nearly deafen him from the get-go, and he almost doesn't hear Matt say, "Hey, Lloyd, come on in." He does, however, speak the international language of the large whiskey Matt thrusts into his hand.
Lloyd prefers his drinks pretty and fruity and handed to him by a half-naked man, but hanging out with Ari's clients is very butch, and nobody can object to Jason Bourne, so Lloyd's developed a taste for Jack Daniels and baseball.
It's not very good for his palate, but it's great for his Blackberry.
Lloyd has been Ari Gold's assistant for almost three years now and life with Ari is chaos, period. Life with Ari and George is like living in a crack den -- not that Lloyd's ever been to a crack den, but it's a good analogy and one that Lloyd's therapist thinks is very reasonable considering Ari.
Of course, Lloyd's therapist also thinks Ari is Satan in the flesh and has been trying to get Lloyd to leave the Miller Gold Talent agency since the day Lloyd appeared on his sofa, anxious and twitchy and shrieking about fucking cold Starbucks even though he was drinking water.
Ari gives people a complex. It's just a part of this life, and for the most part Lloyd doesn't mind so much. Even his boyfriend, Tom, thinks that Ari's not too bad since he sent them on that cruise.
Unfortunately, Lloyd can hear Ari shouting from the moment he sets foot in the foyer, and when he winces, he doesn't know if it's because of double whiskey he's just knocked back or because Ari's imprecations are bouncing off of the fixtures.
"You fucking broke him, George!" Ari rails from down the hall. "I gave you our child, and you fucking broke him with your cocksucker movie!"
Lloyd sighs and downs more of his whiskey as he follows Matt towards the living room, taking momentary solace in how nice Matt's ass looks in his suit. Lloyd is a gay man working for a straight man, who is in love with a gay man, who loves lots of other men, who are gay or straight or confused or who just haven't succumbed yet.
Everybody goes gay eventually if they spend enough time around George Clooney though, so Ari is always on the verge of breaking into his drag queen diva routine. This particular routine has been going on for the last six months.
In short, Ari is unhappy.
He's been unhappy ever since his Golden Goose got arrested in Chicago and George woke him up to announce that he'd made Shia gay (shocker), but that Shia wasn't gay for George (actual shocker), but he was gay for Milo Ventimiglia.
Ari's been bitter ever since.
Most of the words out of his mouth over the last 180 days have sounded a lot like, "I can't believe you made Shia gay for Sly Stallone Jr.! I fucking told you not to put your homo whammy on him, and you did it anyway! I fucking hate you, George! I swear I do! Except on days ending in 'Y', now fucking fix this!"
Lloyd follows Matt into the living room and sits down in one of George's stupidly expensive leather armchairs. "Has he said that Shia's been defiled and tainted yet?" Lloyd asks Matt as he tops off his glass. "I just want to know how far into the rant he's gotten."
Matt thinks for a moment. "Yeah, he hit defiled about twenty minutes ago."
Lloyd thinks for a moment. "He should be tapped out in another 20 minutes." Ari's been working on this temper tantrum for a while; he's built up a lot of material.
"This is all your fault!" Ari rounds on Matt angrily, fist raised until he sees the bottle in Matt's hand. "You're the one who said I had to give Shia over to George for Brokebitch Canuckistan, and now look at what's happened!"
"Ari, shut the fuck up," Matt orders. "If you have to go to the premiere with a black eye because I had to beat you down, things'll only get worse. Don’t make me call Mrs. Ari on you."
"It's not fair," Ari whimpers. "Why did you have to make Shia gay? Was Ryan Gosling really so fat? Why is this my life? This is as bad as George and Fabio getting into a bitch slapping contest!"
There's a massive clatter from the kitchen and Lloyd's Most Holy Gay Lord hollers, "Ari, shut the fuck up!"
Lloyd would know George's voice anywhere. He leans around the back of his chair to say hello and freezes. Standing next to George is The King. He's got his head down, and his hair is cut, and he's digging in one of George's kitchen drawers, but Lloyd would know Aragon anywhere.
Lloyd's inner geek whimpers loudly. Lloyd loves Lord of the Rings and for a split second Lloyd's gaydar is overruled by his geekdar. Maybe George is dating The King That would be so awesome. That would be so -- Lloyd absolutely loves George's suit. He can't believe anyone thinks George is straight with his impeccable fashion sense. He's still dubious about Matt considering how nice his Valentino is.
"Got it," The King says, pulling a roll of tape out of the drawer and pushing it closed. Lloyd watches in some confusion as The King slides the roll of tape over his wrist like a bracelet. Lloyd hasn't seen this particular fashion accessory before but --
"Give me that," Ari orders, reclaiming Lloyd's attention, and Lloyd turns in time to see Ari reaching greedily for the bottle in Matt's hands.
Matt sucks in his cheeks in disapproval, and Lloyd reaches into his inside jacket pocket for the six Xanax he brought along. He normally doesn't give Ari more than two a day, but lately it's been four.
Ari's been very stressed, and Lloyd's therapist decided it was easier to double Lloyd's prescription to include Ari than it was for Lloyd to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown all the time.
This is why Lloyd gets the not-so-big money. "Ari," he says, holding the two blue oval shaped pills out to his boss helpfully.
Ari's eyes light up for a moment. "My favorite ass monkey," he says happily, grabbing the Xanax and washing them down straight from the bottle.
Lloyd is slightly surprised when Ari plops himself down on the arm of George's chair beside him. Ari's normally much more solicitous of other people's things -- well, just George's things.
"Lloyd, you wouldn't just wake up straight one morning because some hot piece of pussy was in bed next to you, would you?"
Lloyd wrinkles his nose. "Ew, Ari."
"Oh, thank God," Ari says, grabbing Lloyd around the neck and nearly choking him with a hug. "I just don't get it," he carries on, "Sly Stallone Jr. Why him? Half his face is paralyzed and his mouth doesn't even work right! Shia's probably not even getting sucked off properly!"
"Are you going to finish the job if he's not?" George quips from the kitchen.
"I could've found Shia a nice Twinkie if he wanted one!" Ari barrels on. " Jake's available again since Austin got tired of his being in the closet!"
"Okay, that's quite enough of that," a deep voice announces from right behind Lloyd and the next thing Lloyd knows, The King has slapped a large piece of electrical tape over Ari's mouth.
Wow. Viggo Mortensen is so Lloyd's hero.
"I've had about enough of you," Viggo says, putting a very angry Ari in a headlock.
Ari yanks at Viggo, slapping at his arms, and Lloyd doesn't really know what to do about this, because this was nowhere in the How to Care, Feed and Not Kill Your Ari Gold Handbook.
"Am I supposed to intervene here?" Lloyd asks Matt curiously as Viggo proceeds to bind Ari's hands with more tape.
"Don't worry, Lloyd," George joins them from the kitchen. "If he fires you, there's already a desk with your name on it at Smoke House."
"You're not going to hurt him a lot are you?" Lloyd can't help worrying a little. Ari is mean and cruel and sometimes hits him with a paddle, but he totally takes care of Lloyd in his own way.
"Nothing that would truly make a dent," George promises as Viggo frog marches Ari over to the corner and trusses Ari up like a mummy to make him stand there. Ari's going to be angry about the tape on his suit.
"You can rejoin the rest of us when you start behaving better," Viggo says evenly.
Lloyd doesn't have to hear the words to know exactly what Ari's reply is to this gag'em-and-rope'em timeout. Personally, Lloyd wishes he could keep Viggo around the office to play cowboy with Ari more often.
One of the most impressive things about working for Ari Gold is that Ari can go from drunk, homicidal and sullen to stone sober, homicidal and sell-your-mother-on-the-black market in .005 seconds, which is exactly what happens when the limo pulls up in front of the Arclight Theatre in Hollywood.
For the entire ride, Ari's been silently sulking with his head on Matt Damon's shoulder and Matt's hand over his mouth. Lloyd knows kinky autoerotic-asphyxia when he sees it, but if they want to call this keeping Ari quiet that's fine by him. Every time Ari twitches like he's going to open his mouth, Viggo spins the roll of electrical tape around his wrist and Ari flinches, but now that they've arrived, this is Ari's time to go to work.
The minute the limousine pulls up to the Cinerama Dome, Ari is on, bounding through the open door, ordering security around and making sure there's plenty of room for Matt, George and Viggo to get out of the car and be seen. Even if Ari wants to hang Viggo by his toes, he would never shit on a potential client's foot.
With all the barking and commotion, it's Lloyd's job to count to ten between each actor's exit from the car so they can all be properly greeted and shouted at like a bachelor auction.
Once everyone is out, Lloyd follows behind, making sure the door doesn't get shut on him (the Syriana premiere) and that no one creeps up behind and tries to accost one the actors. After that aborted Brad Pitt fan-napping last year, Ari's been really nervous every time George and Matt go anywhere.
The flashbulbs going off all over the carpet are blinding -- literally -- and Lloyd almost collides with the other people milling around. Lloyd's done a couple of gauntlets with George and Ari before, but he's never done one with George and Matt and The King. All the lights are scalding Lloyd's retinas and the shouting from the press is making him deaf.
Tom told him to bring ear plugs, but he hadn't listened because they clashed with his Viktor and Rolf suit. Such is the price fashionistas have to pay.
Lloyd will probably be Helen Keller tomorrow, but if he's going to have one last vision, he's glad that it's one of Matt, Viggo and George holding court for the press, laughing and joking -- and being molested by John Barrowman.
Lloyd blinks once and then bulldozes several other minions to get further up the red carpet to where Ari's watching the proceedings with a narrowed eye. This Lloyd needs to see for himself. He's sure Ari's just grabbed his hand for emotional support and to restrain his own mass murdering urges.
Lloyd once read an article where John Barrowman said his partner, Scott, had the body of an Armani model and was hung like a donkey, and Lloyd's been in love ever since. Not with John. Every gay man loves John, he's like Barbra or Liza or Bette that way. No, who Lloyd really loves is Scott, because how could you not love some guy you've never seen before, who's hung like a donkey and has a body like an Armani model?
That's the dream of every gay man: a hot man, who fucks well, and doesn't bother you with things like a personality.
Right now though, John Barrowman is the one Lloyd loves, because he's out and he's proud and he's totally making out with his partner for the cameras while George, Viggo and Matt look on and applaud.
Over the flashbulbs and hollering, Lloyd can just barely hear the introductions. "Scott, this is George. And Viggo," John pauses when he gets to Matt. "I don't believe I've met you yet, but we can rectify that in the bathroom in twenty minutes."
Matt raises an eyebrow and then John leans over and kisses him right on the mouth. The kiss is loud and obscene, and Lloyd will be thinking about it in the shower for the next six years. When they break apart everyone laughs like this is the best joke ever. Lloyd loves his job today, or he will if Ari will stop gripping his hand hard enough to break all of his fingers into little pieces.
One minute Lloyd's thinking about hot pink finger braces and the next there's a massive commotion from the drop-off point. Ari immediately steps in front of George and Matt like a human sacrifice.
"They won't take you alive, G-Money!" Ari shouts. "I'll fucking stab those fuckers in the nuts before I'll let them get Jason Bourne! Tell my goddaughter I love her, Matty!"
Except it's not a pack of crazy fans or even an ex-lover with a ripped up Non-Disclosure Agreement in hand. It's Brad.
It's Brad fucking Pitt, and he's heading straight for George, shoving Ari aside into Lloyd's arms, which is so fucking typical. Lloyd loves Ari, but why can't someone shove Scott into his arms? Or George? Or Matt?
"Sorry, I'm late, sweetheart," Brad says sunnily, right before he plants a huge kiss right on George's mouth. "You didn't start the festivities without me, did you?"
"Hey, that's my date!" Matt protests. "Nobody gets to molest him except me!"
"Oh, you want some too?" Brad says, planting a sloppy kiss on Matt's cheek.
"I've been slimed!" Matt laughs, wiping at his face.
Lloyd doesn't want to look at Ari, but he can't help it, mostly because Ari's muttering death threats under his breath and Lloyd's wondering if he should have done a security check on Ari before they left George's house.
Lloyd can pretty much hear Ari's blood boiling, which is typical. This much kissing? That's not typical. Yeah, Brad Pitt kissing George Clooney in front of God and country and the entire press and Ari is very much not typical.
George coughs over the awkwardness. "Honey, you know I can't start without you. You're the one that has the lube," and just like that, they're off and running.
Lloyd became Ari's assistant right after Brad went Mr. Save the World, so he missed most of the Brad and George Show, but if it was like this, no wonder it makes Ari nervous. Or hot. Yes, Lloyd can see how Brad and George could make Ari feel a little shaky in his heterosexuality. They're a bit disconcerting together. But not as disconcerting as the huge grin on George's face as he turns and kisses Matt. Or Matt turning to Viggo and yanking him down to Matt's height by his tie.
Matt Damon is kissing Viggo Mortensen. With tongue. Lloyd knows he sees tongue. It's totally not just his gaydar wish fulfillment. Unless it is, but the rest is all being memorialized on tape and film. TMZ will have the highlights posted in 20 minutes.
It's one Big Gay Orgy. Lloyd definitely has the best job ever. It doesn't matter that Ari is racist, homophobic, sexist and xenophobic -- he gets Lloyd up-close and personal with the gayest thing to hit town since Jake Gyllenhaal agreed to pretend he was straight enough to play gay for Heath Ledger.
Clearly Jake could stand to take some lessons from somebody who's actually straight -- or maybe he should just learn to take some pride in who he loves.
He could get lessons from Shia LaBeouf, who's currently walking up the carpet holding Milo Ventimiglia's hand in a massive vortex of lights and shouting and really nice suits. They're being flanked by that guy who's married to Natalie Maines and has the crazy hair. Lloyd loves Natalie Maines and her big mouth, but they don't call the red carpet the gauntlet for no reason.
Lloyd knows Shia's gone gay for Milo or Milo's gone gay for Shia, but based on how well Milo dresses and how Shia looks like a frat boy who got a blow job in a car -- albeit in a really nice suit -- Lloyd's going with the former.
Of course, Lloyd can also feel his inner Ari trembling in unmitigated concern, and sure enough the real Ari takes several steps forward, only to be physically restrained by Viggo and George.
"No, Ari," George says quietly enough that only people in a foot radius can hear him.
"George, please," Ari begs. "They're going to eat him alive. He's too young for that."
"Let them be," Viggo warns. "If they're going to make it, they've got to do it on their own terms."
"It's not right," Ari insists. "They'll be crucified."
"Then that's their choice to make," Viggo says. "Besides, I have a whole roll of electrical tape for anybody who upsets them, even you. I'm sure Matt would help me hide your body if I asked him to."
Lloyd doesn't know who to watch doing what -- Ari being physically threatened by The King, who is just and righteous and standing up for gay love --
"This is my boyfriend," Shia announces loudly over the shouting of the press, and suddenly everything goes quiet. "He's hot, isn't he?"
It's very still around Lloyd; nobody moves, nobody breathes, Lloyd doesn't hear the cars driving by on Sunset or the flashbulbs going off. Even his heart, which has been racing in his ears since he got to George's place, is quiet at this very moment.
Shia looks over at Milo as though he's not sure what to do next, and then Milo gets nudged by Natalie's husband, and then there's kissing. Real, proper, hardcore kissing that puts the Big Gay Orgy to shame.
Lloyd feels a little faint.
All the blood in his body could be having a gay explosion of happiness and glitter or he could just be having a heart attack from the nuclear explosion from the press.
Everyone watches Shia and Milo for several seconds -- or they attempt to amidst the blinding lights -- it's hard not to stare with that much hotness and gorgeous menswear. Lloyd can feel the bones in his wrist shift when Ari grabs him again, and then George steps forward into the abyss of camera flashes and taps Shia on the shoulder.
Shia looks a little dazed when he pulls away from Milo, and he glances briefly over at George before reaching up and rubbing his fingers across Milo's mouth.
Gay porn doesn't get Lloyd this hot.
"If you guys don't stop, you're going to give away all the good parts of the movie," George quips with a smile.
"Let the kids have their fun, George," Matt calls. "Every time they do that, another hundred thousand women buy tickets on Fandango!"
John Barrowman makes a loud dismissive noise to break the moment. "I've seen them make out already!" he hollers. "I'm over that." He motions towards Natalie Maines' husband, "What I really want to know is where he came from, and if he has any brothers."
Lloyd can't help noticing the tight hold Milo has on Shia's waist. Young hot love is so -- so hot.
"Adrian, this is, well, everyone," Milo offers by way of introduction. "Adrian's our chaperone tonight."
"He's doing a great job!" Matt applauds.
"He's straight, John," Shia apologizes. "Sorry, but I don’t think you're getting a toaster for this one."
John snorts. "They said the same thing about you two, and now you're the face of gay pride!"
"What happened to female pride?!" a lone woman calls from somewhere behind Shia and Milo, and the entire Gay Chorus turns around to see Kerry Washington standing with her hands on her hips with James McAvoy and Common beside her.
Lloyd loves Common, he's totally hot and he can even act a little. He makes to mental note to himself to browbeat Ari into making Common Lloyd's first signing.
"I don't get any action, because I don’t have a dick?" Kerry calls down the line. "That's so much discrimination, George, I'm totally telling on you."
The entire press corps erupts with laughter, and John waits for it to die down before calling back, "Don't worry, sweetie, you can be our surrogate. We can't have Brad keeping all the adorable babies for himself, can we?"
"That's you," Kerry retorts, "always thinking with your dick!"
Lloyd can hardly hear himself for all the laughing, but he's a little puzzled when Kerry hollers, "Did you do it yet? Have I missed everything?"
"You have the banner," Viggo projects. "We couldn't start without you."
"I almost fucking forgot!" Matt interrupts and for moment Lloyd thinks he's died and gone to Gay Heaven, because Matt Damon is unbuttoning his shirt on the red carpet and so is Brad Pitt. John and George are helping each other through what seems like a lot of groping and even Viggo and Scott are in on whatever practical joke George has stirred up this time.
Shia looks down the line at where Ari's frozen in horror. "You freak out when I date a guy, but you'll let them strip on the press line?!"
Ari opens his mouth and nothing comes out, probably because he's too stunned by the banner Kerry and James are passing down the red carpet.
Lloyd has to move a little bit to see what's going on; all the stripping is distracting him. It takes him a minute to get it, and then he can't stop laughing.
The entire cast steps forward, proudly displaying their custom made tee shirts as Milo pulls Shia up to take his rightful place in the center of this debacle. Lloyd has to admit that Shia really did take a good mug shot, and he applauds proudly as everyone shouts in unison what's written on the banner below them:
"I went to Walgreens drunk, and all I got was ARRESTED!"
Lloyd is on Ari-watch. Not that Lloyd isn't always on Ari-watch but after the Big Gay Orgy on the red carpet, and the way Ari looked close to tears after the movie, Lloyd is on Ari-watch Plus. Whatever that is.
Or he would be if he could find Ari, but if Lloyd stays near the Big Gay Date of George, Brad, Matt and Viggo, he's sure that Ari will show up soon enough. That's how it's always worked in the past, except Ari always tends to be very fragile around Brad.
If you translate 'fragile' to 'homicidal'.
Lloyd is really enjoying himself tonight, except for the Defcon Ari Threat. He got to see lots of happy gay men making out, and he got to see an absolutely beautiful gay movie that didn't end with anybody getting bashed in the head with a tire-iron.
He's actually really sad that he didn't get to bring Tom along, because with all the A-List hand holding and kissing going on, Tom could've given him a blowjob on the red carpet and nobody would've batted an eyelash. Plus, the waiters at the premiere party are really cute, and with Lloyd's proximity to the Golden Children, guys keep handing him their cards and wallet-sized headshots. Lloyd's not in casting, but he does sit at the right hand of the most powerful agent in town.
Sometimes Lloyd gets really pissed off that Ari hasn't put him on the junior agent track yet, but then he thinks about all the experience he's getting as Ari's assistant, and how he knows the gate code to George Clooney's house, and how Don Cheadle and Chiwetel Ejiofor called from the set of Talk to Me to wish him a happy birthday last year, and he thinks his life is pretty fucking good. Apart from the Xanax. And the therapy. And how he never really gets to see his boyfriend.
Lloyd's eying a really hot waiter with a tight ass when George beckons him over. Lloyd downs half his flute of champagne and dutifully scarpers over.
"Hi, George!" he says brightly, before nodding to Matt and Viggo. "Mr. Bourne. Your Highness."
Matt laughs. "Hey, Lloyd, as part of the target audience, what did you think?"
Lloyd can't clap with his hands full, so waves his glass around for the nearest piece of hotass waiter and three come running to pluck it out of his fingers. Standing with the Hollywood Elite is such a head-trip.
"Shia and Milo were adorable!" Lloyd declares, "And hot! And Kerry kicked so much ass; I totally want those boots she was wearing in the shoot-out. And John -- did you know he played straight so well? It was so awesome that I cried," Lloyd babbles, "And so did Ari!" Lloyd claps his hands over his mouth. "I wasn't supposed to mention that, was I?"
"I think Ari may've been crying for a different reason," George says wryly.
"No, he was really crying when Milo's character got shot, he just covered his eyes during the sex scenes."
"So he missed the best part," Matt quips.
"It was so beautiful," Lloyd says dreamily. "And the sex was hot. And it was pretty. Never underestimate the power of pretty." He turns to Viggo, "Thank you for making a gay drama where nobody dies of AIDS or is the asexual best friend or gets beat over the head with an iron."
"George was the one who brought the story to my attention," Viggo says magnanimously.
"But you're the one who got James McAvoy to jump through a glass window," George protests.
"And it was like a John Woo film!" Lloyd claps again. "It was just -- yes. It was made of yes."
"It was made of 'yes'?" George laughs. "Can something be 'made of yes'?"
"YES!" Lloyd insists. "It's a love story, where people get to be in love, and protect each other, and look really hot doing it! How can you say 'no' to that?"
George grins broadly. "There is that."
"There is what?" Brad Pitt once again materializes out of thin air to throw a propriety arm over George's shoulders. "I brought you a drink, sweetheart," he says kissing George on the temple and handing him a glass of what's probably whiskey.
Lloyd wonders if he looks as bemused as George does or as skeptical as Matt. He knows this isn't his place to worry, but something weird is prickling at him and he wonders if there was some big Jolie-Pitt divorce that they missed during all the pre-premiere drinking and gayness. Whatever. He's just going to wait for the highlights tomorrow morning. If George is happy right now then that's enough. "Lloyd?"
Lloyd shakes his head from his gay reverie of George as the next JFK and Brad as Marilyn Monroe. "Yes, George?"
"Have you seen Ari lately?"
Lloyd sighs. "I was hoping if I stayed close to you his GPS would kick back in."
"How long has he been missing?"
Lloyd doesn't say since George and Brad started tickling each other on the walk from the car to the after party, but that's about when Ari went missing. "A while now," he says vaguely.
George frowns. "Lloyd, do you mind?" he makes a swirling motion with his hand that Lloyd thinks is either a sex position or George asking him to check the perimeter for a suicidal Ari with C4 strapped to his Gucci suit.
Lloyd agrees easily. "Not at all," he says, leaving the big boys to their business. He's sort of worried about Ari himself.
On Lloyd's first sweep of Social, Ari's not in the main room with all the studio heads and sycophants or at the bar with all the B-Listers who snuck in. He's not upstairs playing poker with the heads of the other agencies in the war room and he's not holding court in the green velvet room with George either.
Lloyd has to wander around three times before he finds Ari standing outside the entrance to the men's bathroom with a magnum of champagne in his hand. He hiccups when Lloyd gets closer.
"Oh, Ari," Lloyd laments. "Don’t do this. The movie is a hit, it's not Medellin at all! People love it, and it's beautiful, at least get drunk with George and Matt if you're going to die of alcohol poisoning!"
"He's gay, Lloyd," Ari says morosely. "The Golden Goose is supposed to lay eggs, not take them up the ass!"
Lloyd shakes his head. "I thought you were over this, Ari. I know you've been acting out today because of Brad--"
"Brad Pitt kicks puppies and eats babies!" Ari declares viciously.
Lloyd ignores him. "Think about how happy everyone is. Think about all the money MGA is going to make."
Ari perks up slightly.
"C'mon, Ari, come back to the party," Lloyd cajoles.
Ari rubs his forehead. "I was going -- coming -- but Shia's making out with Sly Stallone Jr. in the bathroom, and I can't very well let the people from YouTube video them now can I?"
Lloyd perks up dramatically. "Shia and Milo are making out in there?" he points to the door Ari's blocking. "Can I see?"
"No, you can't see!" Ari snaps.
Lloyd pouts. "Just a little peek?"
"No, Lloyd."
"You never let me have any fun."
"That's my son in there," Ari retorts.
Lloyd raises an eyebrow.
"He's Jewish, it's close enough," Ari makes a dismissive wave. "So, if this is what he wants, then I will fucking kill the bitch that tries to take it away."
"That's -- that's really sweet, Ari." Ari turns around sharply when the door swings open behind him, and he almost falls over. Lloyd has to catch him. Of course Ari's drunk, when else would he give anybody his blessing?
Lloyd shifts his weight again to prop Ari up, but Ari stands on his own two feet, apparently all the better to push Shia and Milo back into the bathroom. Lloyd has to follow. It's his civic duty as a member of the gay community to make sure he knows all the gossip as it happens and that nobody gets a bloody nose.
Shia stands between Milo and Ari, which Lloyd thinks is probably a good place for him to be. "Ari," Shia warns, "now isn't the time for one of your homicidal rages."
"No rage," Ari says, holding up the magnum of Moet. "I just wanted to tell your ass monkey that if he breaks your heart, I'm cutting off his dick and sticking it in his pocket."
Shia rolls his eyes. "I'm a big boy, Ari, I think I can take care of myself."
"That's bullshit," Ari says mildly, "You went gay for his greasy ass and then got drunk at a Walgreens and had to be bailed out. Your mother and I have decided to let this infraction slide if your man signs with MGA. Today."
"My mother?" Shia is all disbelief.
"He means George," Lloyd explains.
Milo steps around Shia looking very not happy. Lloyd steps back and hits the bathroom door. He's never been great with real blood; it's just so messy.
Milo's tie is slightly askew, but he's wearing a tie clip. Lloyd can't believe anybody ever thought this fashionista was straight; still, for somebody who was probably just having sex, he looks very put together. "Are you fucking joking?" he snaps. "You can't keep me from Shia because I don't sign with your fucking agency!"
Ari gives Milo his best stink eye, and Lloyd shakes his head. He stumbles slightly when someone tries to open the door behind him. "This room is having a bitch fight," Lloyd hisses to the interloper. "Go away!"
"Yeah, I was totally fucking with you about the signing," Ari says after a moment, clapping Milo on the shoulder hard. "But I'm serious about castrating you if he ends up in jail again because of your flat ass."
Ari turns sharply on his heel and uses Lloyd's body to bulldoze through the door. "Don’t fuck with my family," he calls back breezily his shoulder, "and we'll all be fine!"
Lloyd smiles as Ari drags him through the Social maze. Ari is happy, which means Lloyd's happy. Tom is totally getting fucked when Lloyd gets home. "That was very sweet of you, Ari," he says approvingly.
"Shut up, fruitcake," Ari demands. "Tell me where George is so I can take my aggression out on The Fucktard."
Lloyd digs in his heels, and Ari stops and turns around. "Brad's not the devil, Ari," Lloyd chides.
"He broke George's heart, and now he's trying to play happy families because Angie probably got tired of dick," Ari says very quietly. "That makes him public enemy number one in my book."
Lloyd frowns for a moment and then nods his head in agreement. "Okay, makes sense to me."
Ari gives that much beloved shark grin, and Lloyd feels like a kid who just brought home an A paper. "Stick with me, Tinkerbell," Ari pledges, "I won't steer you wrong."
"Or if you do, you'll bail me out," Lloyd interprets.
Ari nods. "That's what family does."
Lloyd smiles beatifically. "I love you too, Ari."
Ari rolls his eyes and yanks Lloyd along after him. "Shut up, Lloyd," he says gruffly, "you're making my dick go soft."
Lloyd wrinkles his nose. "Too much information, Ari. For the first time all night, that's too much information."
Ari snorts. "Lloyd, there's no such thing as too much information."
"So that means you know if George is a top or a bottom?" Lloyd asks slyly. "What about Shia?"
Ari stops on the stairs. "Okay, I lied, that's too much information."
"No, it's not!"
"That's too much information for you," Ari corrects.
"So, you do know!" Lloyd is impressed.
Ari grins. "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you," he says, turning away and jogging down the rest of the stairs.
"I hate you, Ari!" Lloyd calls after him petulantly.
"Yeah, I love you too," Ari calls back.
--The End.-
+ 60 pages and 24,805 words later, I would like to thank slodwick and antheia for the crazy awesome movie art they made for The Frayed Edge and for the lovely cover art and icons, too. There's nothing like art to inspire the savage hackthis.
+ I would also like to thank sameoldhope and sparky77 for their unyielding devotion to the cause, because you are only as good as the team you have whipping you on.
+ And last, but never least I'd like to thank my cast for being so fucking hot. And you, the readers, for coming along on this Cracktastic Voyage. I hope you've enjoyed yourself as much as I have.
Soundtrack for Make Sure They See My Face // The Frayed Edge
MSTSMF: Hole // Celebrity; INXS // New Sensation; Dixie Chicks // The Long Way Around; Skee-Lo // I Wish; David Bowie // Cracked Actors; John Lee Hooker // I'm Bad Like Jesse James; Kenna // Man Fading; John Barrowman // Feeling Good
TFE: Supergrass // St Petersberg; Just Jack // Snowflake; Amy Winehouse // Help Yourself; Mos Def // Sun, Moon & Stars; Pulp // Trees; Travis // Driftwood; Gomez // Old China; Incubus // Drive
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hackthis Productions Present:
Make Sure They See My Face (The Making of a Movie in Five Acts - and one World Premiere)
featuring Ari Gold
George Clooney
Shia LaBeouf
and Milo Ventimiglia
With Viggo Mortensen. And some other folks.
Act I: Ari
Act II: Milo
Act III: Shia
Act IV: Viggo
Act V: George
Interlude (Love and Peace or Else, NC-17)
When Lloyd arrives at George Clooney's house on the day of The Frayed Edge premiere, everyone is in chaos, which is pretty much a given on a movie premiere day.
A movie premiere day where George is the producer, and Ari is on point, and there's Oscar buzz is like Defcon Chaos -- which is probably why Matt Damon opens the door of George's house with a bottle under his arm and a glass in his hand.
Lloyd's gaydar, Ari-radar and Hot Man Alert! nearly deafen him from the get-go, and he almost doesn't hear Matt say, "Hey, Lloyd, come on in." He does, however, speak the international language of the large whiskey Matt thrusts into his hand.
Lloyd prefers his drinks pretty and fruity and handed to him by a half-naked man, but hanging out with Ari's clients is very butch, and nobody can object to Jason Bourne, so Lloyd's developed a taste for Jack Daniels and baseball.
It's not very good for his palate, but it's great for his Blackberry.
Lloyd has been Ari Gold's assistant for almost three years now and life with Ari is chaos, period. Life with Ari and George is like living in a crack den -- not that Lloyd's ever been to a crack den, but it's a good analogy and one that Lloyd's therapist thinks is very reasonable considering Ari.
Of course, Lloyd's therapist also thinks Ari is Satan in the flesh and has been trying to get Lloyd to leave the Miller Gold Talent agency since the day Lloyd appeared on his sofa, anxious and twitchy and shrieking about fucking cold Starbucks even though he was drinking water.
Ari gives people a complex. It's just a part of this life, and for the most part Lloyd doesn't mind so much. Even his boyfriend, Tom, thinks that Ari's not too bad since he sent them on that cruise.
Unfortunately, Lloyd can hear Ari shouting from the moment he sets foot in the foyer, and when he winces, he doesn't know if it's because of double whiskey he's just knocked back or because Ari's imprecations are bouncing off of the fixtures.
"You fucking broke him, George!" Ari rails from down the hall. "I gave you our child, and you fucking broke him with your cocksucker movie!"
Lloyd sighs and downs more of his whiskey as he follows Matt towards the living room, taking momentary solace in how nice Matt's ass looks in his suit. Lloyd is a gay man working for a straight man, who is in love with a gay man, who loves lots of other men, who are gay or straight or confused or who just haven't succumbed yet.
Everybody goes gay eventually if they spend enough time around George Clooney though, so Ari is always on the verge of breaking into his drag queen diva routine. This particular routine has been going on for the last six months.
In short, Ari is unhappy.
He's been unhappy ever since his Golden Goose got arrested in Chicago and George woke him up to announce that he'd made Shia gay (shocker), but that Shia wasn't gay for George (actual shocker), but he was gay for Milo Ventimiglia.
Ari's been bitter ever since.
Most of the words out of his mouth over the last 180 days have sounded a lot like, "I can't believe you made Shia gay for Sly Stallone Jr.! I fucking told you not to put your homo whammy on him, and you did it anyway! I fucking hate you, George! I swear I do! Except on days ending in 'Y', now fucking fix this!"
Lloyd follows Matt into the living room and sits down in one of George's stupidly expensive leather armchairs. "Has he said that Shia's been defiled and tainted yet?" Lloyd asks Matt as he tops off his glass. "I just want to know how far into the rant he's gotten."
Matt thinks for a moment. "Yeah, he hit defiled about twenty minutes ago."
Lloyd thinks for a moment. "He should be tapped out in another 20 minutes." Ari's been working on this temper tantrum for a while; he's built up a lot of material.
"This is all your fault!" Ari rounds on Matt angrily, fist raised until he sees the bottle in Matt's hand. "You're the one who said I had to give Shia over to George for Brokebitch Canuckistan, and now look at what's happened!"
"Ari, shut the fuck up," Matt orders. "If you have to go to the premiere with a black eye because I had to beat you down, things'll only get worse. Don’t make me call Mrs. Ari on you."
"It's not fair," Ari whimpers. "Why did you have to make Shia gay? Was Ryan Gosling really so fat? Why is this my life? This is as bad as George and Fabio getting into a bitch slapping contest!"
There's a massive clatter from the kitchen and Lloyd's Most Holy Gay Lord hollers, "Ari, shut the fuck up!"
Lloyd would know George's voice anywhere. He leans around the back of his chair to say hello and freezes. Standing next to George is The King. He's got his head down, and his hair is cut, and he's digging in one of George's kitchen drawers, but Lloyd would know Aragon anywhere.
Lloyd's inner geek whimpers loudly. Lloyd loves Lord of the Rings and for a split second Lloyd's gaydar is overruled by his geekdar. Maybe George is dating The King That would be so awesome. That would be so -- Lloyd absolutely loves George's suit. He can't believe anyone thinks George is straight with his impeccable fashion sense. He's still dubious about Matt considering how nice his Valentino is.
"Got it," The King says, pulling a roll of tape out of the drawer and pushing it closed. Lloyd watches in some confusion as The King slides the roll of tape over his wrist like a bracelet. Lloyd hasn't seen this particular fashion accessory before but --
"Give me that," Ari orders, reclaiming Lloyd's attention, and Lloyd turns in time to see Ari reaching greedily for the bottle in Matt's hands.
Matt sucks in his cheeks in disapproval, and Lloyd reaches into his inside jacket pocket for the six Xanax he brought along. He normally doesn't give Ari more than two a day, but lately it's been four.
Ari's been very stressed, and Lloyd's therapist decided it was easier to double Lloyd's prescription to include Ari than it was for Lloyd to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown all the time.
This is why Lloyd gets the not-so-big money. "Ari," he says, holding the two blue oval shaped pills out to his boss helpfully.
Ari's eyes light up for a moment. "My favorite ass monkey," he says happily, grabbing the Xanax and washing them down straight from the bottle.
Lloyd is slightly surprised when Ari plops himself down on the arm of George's chair beside him. Ari's normally much more solicitous of other people's things -- well, just George's things.
"Lloyd, you wouldn't just wake up straight one morning because some hot piece of pussy was in bed next to you, would you?"
Lloyd wrinkles his nose. "Ew, Ari."
"Oh, thank God," Ari says, grabbing Lloyd around the neck and nearly choking him with a hug. "I just don't get it," he carries on, "Sly Stallone Jr. Why him? Half his face is paralyzed and his mouth doesn't even work right! Shia's probably not even getting sucked off properly!"
"Are you going to finish the job if he's not?" George quips from the kitchen.
"I could've found Shia a nice Twinkie if he wanted one!" Ari barrels on. " Jake's available again since Austin got tired of his being in the closet!"
"Okay, that's quite enough of that," a deep voice announces from right behind Lloyd and the next thing Lloyd knows, The King has slapped a large piece of electrical tape over Ari's mouth.
Wow. Viggo Mortensen is so Lloyd's hero.
"I've had about enough of you," Viggo says, putting a very angry Ari in a headlock.
Ari yanks at Viggo, slapping at his arms, and Lloyd doesn't really know what to do about this, because this was nowhere in the How to Care, Feed and Not Kill Your Ari Gold Handbook.
"Am I supposed to intervene here?" Lloyd asks Matt curiously as Viggo proceeds to bind Ari's hands with more tape.
"Don't worry, Lloyd," George joins them from the kitchen. "If he fires you, there's already a desk with your name on it at Smoke House."
"You're not going to hurt him a lot are you?" Lloyd can't help worrying a little. Ari is mean and cruel and sometimes hits him with a paddle, but he totally takes care of Lloyd in his own way.
"Nothing that would truly make a dent," George promises as Viggo frog marches Ari over to the corner and trusses Ari up like a mummy to make him stand there. Ari's going to be angry about the tape on his suit.
"You can rejoin the rest of us when you start behaving better," Viggo says evenly.
Lloyd doesn't have to hear the words to know exactly what Ari's reply is to this gag'em-and-rope'em timeout. Personally, Lloyd wishes he could keep Viggo around the office to play cowboy with Ari more often.
One of the most impressive things about working for Ari Gold is that Ari can go from drunk, homicidal and sullen to stone sober, homicidal and sell-your-mother-on-the-black market in .005 seconds, which is exactly what happens when the limo pulls up in front of the Arclight Theatre in Hollywood.
For the entire ride, Ari's been silently sulking with his head on Matt Damon's shoulder and Matt's hand over his mouth. Lloyd knows kinky autoerotic-asphyxia when he sees it, but if they want to call this keeping Ari quiet that's fine by him. Every time Ari twitches like he's going to open his mouth, Viggo spins the roll of electrical tape around his wrist and Ari flinches, but now that they've arrived, this is Ari's time to go to work.
The minute the limousine pulls up to the Cinerama Dome, Ari is on, bounding through the open door, ordering security around and making sure there's plenty of room for Matt, George and Viggo to get out of the car and be seen. Even if Ari wants to hang Viggo by his toes, he would never shit on a potential client's foot.
With all the barking and commotion, it's Lloyd's job to count to ten between each actor's exit from the car so they can all be properly greeted and shouted at like a bachelor auction.
Once everyone is out, Lloyd follows behind, making sure the door doesn't get shut on him (the Syriana premiere) and that no one creeps up behind and tries to accost one the actors. After that aborted Brad Pitt fan-napping last year, Ari's been really nervous every time George and Matt go anywhere.
The flashbulbs going off all over the carpet are blinding -- literally -- and Lloyd almost collides with the other people milling around. Lloyd's done a couple of gauntlets with George and Ari before, but he's never done one with George and Matt and The King. All the lights are scalding Lloyd's retinas and the shouting from the press is making him deaf.
Tom told him to bring ear plugs, but he hadn't listened because they clashed with his Viktor and Rolf suit. Such is the price fashionistas have to pay.
Lloyd will probably be Helen Keller tomorrow, but if he's going to have one last vision, he's glad that it's one of Matt, Viggo and George holding court for the press, laughing and joking -- and being molested by John Barrowman.
Lloyd blinks once and then bulldozes several other minions to get further up the red carpet to where Ari's watching the proceedings with a narrowed eye. This Lloyd needs to see for himself. He's sure Ari's just grabbed his hand for emotional support and to restrain his own mass murdering urges.
Lloyd once read an article where John Barrowman said his partner, Scott, had the body of an Armani model and was hung like a donkey, and Lloyd's been in love ever since. Not with John. Every gay man loves John, he's like Barbra or Liza or Bette that way. No, who Lloyd really loves is Scott, because how could you not love some guy you've never seen before, who's hung like a donkey and has a body like an Armani model?
That's the dream of every gay man: a hot man, who fucks well, and doesn't bother you with things like a personality.
Right now though, John Barrowman is the one Lloyd loves, because he's out and he's proud and he's totally making out with his partner for the cameras while George, Viggo and Matt look on and applaud.
Over the flashbulbs and hollering, Lloyd can just barely hear the introductions. "Scott, this is George. And Viggo," John pauses when he gets to Matt. "I don't believe I've met you yet, but we can rectify that in the bathroom in twenty minutes."
Matt raises an eyebrow and then John leans over and kisses him right on the mouth. The kiss is loud and obscene, and Lloyd will be thinking about it in the shower for the next six years. When they break apart everyone laughs like this is the best joke ever. Lloyd loves his job today, or he will if Ari will stop gripping his hand hard enough to break all of his fingers into little pieces.
One minute Lloyd's thinking about hot pink finger braces and the next there's a massive commotion from the drop-off point. Ari immediately steps in front of George and Matt like a human sacrifice.
"They won't take you alive, G-Money!" Ari shouts. "I'll fucking stab those fuckers in the nuts before I'll let them get Jason Bourne! Tell my goddaughter I love her, Matty!"
Except it's not a pack of crazy fans or even an ex-lover with a ripped up Non-Disclosure Agreement in hand. It's Brad.
It's Brad fucking Pitt, and he's heading straight for George, shoving Ari aside into Lloyd's arms, which is so fucking typical. Lloyd loves Ari, but why can't someone shove Scott into his arms? Or George? Or Matt?
"Sorry, I'm late, sweetheart," Brad says sunnily, right before he plants a huge kiss right on George's mouth. "You didn't start the festivities without me, did you?"
"Hey, that's my date!" Matt protests. "Nobody gets to molest him except me!"
"Oh, you want some too?" Brad says, planting a sloppy kiss on Matt's cheek.
"I've been slimed!" Matt laughs, wiping at his face.
Lloyd doesn't want to look at Ari, but he can't help it, mostly because Ari's muttering death threats under his breath and Lloyd's wondering if he should have done a security check on Ari before they left George's house.
Lloyd can pretty much hear Ari's blood boiling, which is typical. This much kissing? That's not typical. Yeah, Brad Pitt kissing George Clooney in front of God and country and the entire press and Ari is very much not typical.
George coughs over the awkwardness. "Honey, you know I can't start without you. You're the one that has the lube," and just like that, they're off and running.
Lloyd became Ari's assistant right after Brad went Mr. Save the World, so he missed most of the Brad and George Show, but if it was like this, no wonder it makes Ari nervous. Or hot. Yes, Lloyd can see how Brad and George could make Ari feel a little shaky in his heterosexuality. They're a bit disconcerting together. But not as disconcerting as the huge grin on George's face as he turns and kisses Matt. Or Matt turning to Viggo and yanking him down to Matt's height by his tie.
Matt Damon is kissing Viggo Mortensen. With tongue. Lloyd knows he sees tongue. It's totally not just his gaydar wish fulfillment. Unless it is, but the rest is all being memorialized on tape and film. TMZ will have the highlights posted in 20 minutes.
It's one Big Gay Orgy. Lloyd definitely has the best job ever. It doesn't matter that Ari is racist, homophobic, sexist and xenophobic -- he gets Lloyd up-close and personal with the gayest thing to hit town since Jake Gyllenhaal agreed to pretend he was straight enough to play gay for Heath Ledger.
Clearly Jake could stand to take some lessons from somebody who's actually straight -- or maybe he should just learn to take some pride in who he loves.
He could get lessons from Shia LaBeouf, who's currently walking up the carpet holding Milo Ventimiglia's hand in a massive vortex of lights and shouting and really nice suits. They're being flanked by that guy who's married to Natalie Maines and has the crazy hair. Lloyd loves Natalie Maines and her big mouth, but they don't call the red carpet the gauntlet for no reason.
Lloyd knows Shia's gone gay for Milo or Milo's gone gay for Shia, but based on how well Milo dresses and how Shia looks like a frat boy who got a blow job in a car -- albeit in a really nice suit -- Lloyd's going with the former.
Of course, Lloyd can also feel his inner Ari trembling in unmitigated concern, and sure enough the real Ari takes several steps forward, only to be physically restrained by Viggo and George.
"No, Ari," George says quietly enough that only people in a foot radius can hear him.
"George, please," Ari begs. "They're going to eat him alive. He's too young for that."
"Let them be," Viggo warns. "If they're going to make it, they've got to do it on their own terms."
"It's not right," Ari insists. "They'll be crucified."
"Then that's their choice to make," Viggo says. "Besides, I have a whole roll of electrical tape for anybody who upsets them, even you. I'm sure Matt would help me hide your body if I asked him to."
Lloyd doesn't know who to watch doing what -- Ari being physically threatened by The King, who is just and righteous and standing up for gay love --
"This is my boyfriend," Shia announces loudly over the shouting of the press, and suddenly everything goes quiet. "He's hot, isn't he?"
It's very still around Lloyd; nobody moves, nobody breathes, Lloyd doesn't hear the cars driving by on Sunset or the flashbulbs going off. Even his heart, which has been racing in his ears since he got to George's place, is quiet at this very moment.
Shia looks over at Milo as though he's not sure what to do next, and then Milo gets nudged by Natalie's husband, and then there's kissing. Real, proper, hardcore kissing that puts the Big Gay Orgy to shame.
Lloyd feels a little faint.
All the blood in his body could be having a gay explosion of happiness and glitter or he could just be having a heart attack from the nuclear explosion from the press.
Everyone watches Shia and Milo for several seconds -- or they attempt to amidst the blinding lights -- it's hard not to stare with that much hotness and gorgeous menswear. Lloyd can feel the bones in his wrist shift when Ari grabs him again, and then George steps forward into the abyss of camera flashes and taps Shia on the shoulder.
Shia looks a little dazed when he pulls away from Milo, and he glances briefly over at George before reaching up and rubbing his fingers across Milo's mouth.
Gay porn doesn't get Lloyd this hot.
"If you guys don't stop, you're going to give away all the good parts of the movie," George quips with a smile.
"Let the kids have their fun, George," Matt calls. "Every time they do that, another hundred thousand women buy tickets on Fandango!"
John Barrowman makes a loud dismissive noise to break the moment. "I've seen them make out already!" he hollers. "I'm over that." He motions towards Natalie Maines' husband, "What I really want to know is where he came from, and if he has any brothers."
Lloyd can't help noticing the tight hold Milo has on Shia's waist. Young hot love is so -- so hot.
"Adrian, this is, well, everyone," Milo offers by way of introduction. "Adrian's our chaperone tonight."
"He's doing a great job!" Matt applauds.
"He's straight, John," Shia apologizes. "Sorry, but I don’t think you're getting a toaster for this one."
John snorts. "They said the same thing about you two, and now you're the face of gay pride!"
"What happened to female pride?!" a lone woman calls from somewhere behind Shia and Milo, and the entire Gay Chorus turns around to see Kerry Washington standing with her hands on her hips with James McAvoy and Common beside her.
Lloyd loves Common, he's totally hot and he can even act a little. He makes to mental note to himself to browbeat Ari into making Common Lloyd's first signing.
"I don't get any action, because I don’t have a dick?" Kerry calls down the line. "That's so much discrimination, George, I'm totally telling on you."
The entire press corps erupts with laughter, and John waits for it to die down before calling back, "Don't worry, sweetie, you can be our surrogate. We can't have Brad keeping all the adorable babies for himself, can we?"
"That's you," Kerry retorts, "always thinking with your dick!"
Lloyd can hardly hear himself for all the laughing, but he's a little puzzled when Kerry hollers, "Did you do it yet? Have I missed everything?"
"You have the banner," Viggo projects. "We couldn't start without you."
"I almost fucking forgot!" Matt interrupts and for moment Lloyd thinks he's died and gone to Gay Heaven, because Matt Damon is unbuttoning his shirt on the red carpet and so is Brad Pitt. John and George are helping each other through what seems like a lot of groping and even Viggo and Scott are in on whatever practical joke George has stirred up this time.
Shia looks down the line at where Ari's frozen in horror. "You freak out when I date a guy, but you'll let them strip on the press line?!"
Ari opens his mouth and nothing comes out, probably because he's too stunned by the banner Kerry and James are passing down the red carpet.
Lloyd has to move a little bit to see what's going on; all the stripping is distracting him. It takes him a minute to get it, and then he can't stop laughing.
The entire cast steps forward, proudly displaying their custom made tee shirts as Milo pulls Shia up to take his rightful place in the center of this debacle. Lloyd has to admit that Shia really did take a good mug shot, and he applauds proudly as everyone shouts in unison what's written on the banner below them:
"I went to Walgreens drunk, and all I got was ARRESTED!"
Lloyd is on Ari-watch. Not that Lloyd isn't always on Ari-watch but after the Big Gay Orgy on the red carpet, and the way Ari looked close to tears after the movie, Lloyd is on Ari-watch Plus. Whatever that is.
Or he would be if he could find Ari, but if Lloyd stays near the Big Gay Date of George, Brad, Matt and Viggo, he's sure that Ari will show up soon enough. That's how it's always worked in the past, except Ari always tends to be very fragile around Brad.
If you translate 'fragile' to 'homicidal'.
Lloyd is really enjoying himself tonight, except for the Defcon Ari Threat. He got to see lots of happy gay men making out, and he got to see an absolutely beautiful gay movie that didn't end with anybody getting bashed in the head with a tire-iron.
He's actually really sad that he didn't get to bring Tom along, because with all the A-List hand holding and kissing going on, Tom could've given him a blowjob on the red carpet and nobody would've batted an eyelash. Plus, the waiters at the premiere party are really cute, and with Lloyd's proximity to the Golden Children, guys keep handing him their cards and wallet-sized headshots. Lloyd's not in casting, but he does sit at the right hand of the most powerful agent in town.
Sometimes Lloyd gets really pissed off that Ari hasn't put him on the junior agent track yet, but then he thinks about all the experience he's getting as Ari's assistant, and how he knows the gate code to George Clooney's house, and how Don Cheadle and Chiwetel Ejiofor called from the set of Talk to Me to wish him a happy birthday last year, and he thinks his life is pretty fucking good. Apart from the Xanax. And the therapy. And how he never really gets to see his boyfriend.
Lloyd's eying a really hot waiter with a tight ass when George beckons him over. Lloyd downs half his flute of champagne and dutifully scarpers over.
"Hi, George!" he says brightly, before nodding to Matt and Viggo. "Mr. Bourne. Your Highness."
Matt laughs. "Hey, Lloyd, as part of the target audience, what did you think?"
Lloyd can't clap with his hands full, so waves his glass around for the nearest piece of hotass waiter and three come running to pluck it out of his fingers. Standing with the Hollywood Elite is such a head-trip.
"Shia and Milo were adorable!" Lloyd declares, "And hot! And Kerry kicked so much ass; I totally want those boots she was wearing in the shoot-out. And John -- did you know he played straight so well? It was so awesome that I cried," Lloyd babbles, "And so did Ari!" Lloyd claps his hands over his mouth. "I wasn't supposed to mention that, was I?"
"I think Ari may've been crying for a different reason," George says wryly.
"No, he was really crying when Milo's character got shot, he just covered his eyes during the sex scenes."
"So he missed the best part," Matt quips.
"It was so beautiful," Lloyd says dreamily. "And the sex was hot. And it was pretty. Never underestimate the power of pretty." He turns to Viggo, "Thank you for making a gay drama where nobody dies of AIDS or is the asexual best friend or gets beat over the head with an iron."
"George was the one who brought the story to my attention," Viggo says magnanimously.
"But you're the one who got James McAvoy to jump through a glass window," George protests.
"And it was like a John Woo film!" Lloyd claps again. "It was just -- yes. It was made of yes."
"It was made of 'yes'?" George laughs. "Can something be 'made of yes'?"
"YES!" Lloyd insists. "It's a love story, where people get to be in love, and protect each other, and look really hot doing it! How can you say 'no' to that?"
George grins broadly. "There is that."
"There is what?" Brad Pitt once again materializes out of thin air to throw a propriety arm over George's shoulders. "I brought you a drink, sweetheart," he says kissing George on the temple and handing him a glass of what's probably whiskey.
Lloyd wonders if he looks as bemused as George does or as skeptical as Matt. He knows this isn't his place to worry, but something weird is prickling at him and he wonders if there was some big Jolie-Pitt divorce that they missed during all the pre-premiere drinking and gayness. Whatever. He's just going to wait for the highlights tomorrow morning. If George is happy right now then that's enough. "Lloyd?"
Lloyd shakes his head from his gay reverie of George as the next JFK and Brad as Marilyn Monroe. "Yes, George?"
"Have you seen Ari lately?"
Lloyd sighs. "I was hoping if I stayed close to you his GPS would kick back in."
"How long has he been missing?"
Lloyd doesn't say since George and Brad started tickling each other on the walk from the car to the after party, but that's about when Ari went missing. "A while now," he says vaguely.
George frowns. "Lloyd, do you mind?" he makes a swirling motion with his hand that Lloyd thinks is either a sex position or George asking him to check the perimeter for a suicidal Ari with C4 strapped to his Gucci suit.
Lloyd agrees easily. "Not at all," he says, leaving the big boys to their business. He's sort of worried about Ari himself.
On Lloyd's first sweep of Social, Ari's not in the main room with all the studio heads and sycophants or at the bar with all the B-Listers who snuck in. He's not upstairs playing poker with the heads of the other agencies in the war room and he's not holding court in the green velvet room with George either.
Lloyd has to wander around three times before he finds Ari standing outside the entrance to the men's bathroom with a magnum of champagne in his hand. He hiccups when Lloyd gets closer.
"Oh, Ari," Lloyd laments. "Don’t do this. The movie is a hit, it's not Medellin at all! People love it, and it's beautiful, at least get drunk with George and Matt if you're going to die of alcohol poisoning!"
"He's gay, Lloyd," Ari says morosely. "The Golden Goose is supposed to lay eggs, not take them up the ass!"
Lloyd shakes his head. "I thought you were over this, Ari. I know you've been acting out today because of Brad--"
"Brad Pitt kicks puppies and eats babies!" Ari declares viciously.
Lloyd ignores him. "Think about how happy everyone is. Think about all the money MGA is going to make."
Ari perks up slightly.
"C'mon, Ari, come back to the party," Lloyd cajoles.
Ari rubs his forehead. "I was going -- coming -- but Shia's making out with Sly Stallone Jr. in the bathroom, and I can't very well let the people from YouTube video them now can I?"
Lloyd perks up dramatically. "Shia and Milo are making out in there?" he points to the door Ari's blocking. "Can I see?"
"No, you can't see!" Ari snaps.
Lloyd pouts. "Just a little peek?"
"No, Lloyd."
"You never let me have any fun."
"That's my son in there," Ari retorts.
Lloyd raises an eyebrow.
"He's Jewish, it's close enough," Ari makes a dismissive wave. "So, if this is what he wants, then I will fucking kill the bitch that tries to take it away."
"That's -- that's really sweet, Ari." Ari turns around sharply when the door swings open behind him, and he almost falls over. Lloyd has to catch him. Of course Ari's drunk, when else would he give anybody his blessing?
Lloyd shifts his weight again to prop Ari up, but Ari stands on his own two feet, apparently all the better to push Shia and Milo back into the bathroom. Lloyd has to follow. It's his civic duty as a member of the gay community to make sure he knows all the gossip as it happens and that nobody gets a bloody nose.
Shia stands between Milo and Ari, which Lloyd thinks is probably a good place for him to be. "Ari," Shia warns, "now isn't the time for one of your homicidal rages."
"No rage," Ari says, holding up the magnum of Moet. "I just wanted to tell your ass monkey that if he breaks your heart, I'm cutting off his dick and sticking it in his pocket."
Shia rolls his eyes. "I'm a big boy, Ari, I think I can take care of myself."
"That's bullshit," Ari says mildly, "You went gay for his greasy ass and then got drunk at a Walgreens and had to be bailed out. Your mother and I have decided to let this infraction slide if your man signs with MGA. Today."
"My mother?" Shia is all disbelief.
"He means George," Lloyd explains.
Milo steps around Shia looking very not happy. Lloyd steps back and hits the bathroom door. He's never been great with real blood; it's just so messy.
Milo's tie is slightly askew, but he's wearing a tie clip. Lloyd can't believe anybody ever thought this fashionista was straight; still, for somebody who was probably just having sex, he looks very put together. "Are you fucking joking?" he snaps. "You can't keep me from Shia because I don't sign with your fucking agency!"
Ari gives Milo his best stink eye, and Lloyd shakes his head. He stumbles slightly when someone tries to open the door behind him. "This room is having a bitch fight," Lloyd hisses to the interloper. "Go away!"
"Yeah, I was totally fucking with you about the signing," Ari says after a moment, clapping Milo on the shoulder hard. "But I'm serious about castrating you if he ends up in jail again because of your flat ass."
Ari turns sharply on his heel and uses Lloyd's body to bulldoze through the door. "Don’t fuck with my family," he calls back breezily his shoulder, "and we'll all be fine!"
Lloyd smiles as Ari drags him through the Social maze. Ari is happy, which means Lloyd's happy. Tom is totally getting fucked when Lloyd gets home. "That was very sweet of you, Ari," he says approvingly.
"Shut up, fruitcake," Ari demands. "Tell me where George is so I can take my aggression out on The Fucktard."
Lloyd digs in his heels, and Ari stops and turns around. "Brad's not the devil, Ari," Lloyd chides.
"He broke George's heart, and now he's trying to play happy families because Angie probably got tired of dick," Ari says very quietly. "That makes him public enemy number one in my book."
Lloyd frowns for a moment and then nods his head in agreement. "Okay, makes sense to me."
Ari gives that much beloved shark grin, and Lloyd feels like a kid who just brought home an A paper. "Stick with me, Tinkerbell," Ari pledges, "I won't steer you wrong."
"Or if you do, you'll bail me out," Lloyd interprets.
Ari nods. "That's what family does."
Lloyd smiles beatifically. "I love you too, Ari."
Ari rolls his eyes and yanks Lloyd along after him. "Shut up, Lloyd," he says gruffly, "you're making my dick go soft."
Lloyd wrinkles his nose. "Too much information, Ari. For the first time all night, that's too much information."
Ari snorts. "Lloyd, there's no such thing as too much information."
"So that means you know if George is a top or a bottom?" Lloyd asks slyly. "What about Shia?"
Ari stops on the stairs. "Okay, I lied, that's too much information."
"No, it's not!"
"That's too much information for you," Ari corrects.
"So, you do know!" Lloyd is impressed.
Ari grins. "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you," he says, turning away and jogging down the rest of the stairs.
"I hate you, Ari!" Lloyd calls after him petulantly.
"Yeah, I love you too," Ari calls back.
--The End.-
+ 60 pages and 24,805 words later, I would like to thank slodwick and antheia for the crazy awesome movie art they made for The Frayed Edge and for the lovely cover art and icons, too. There's nothing like art to inspire the savage hackthis.
+ I would also like to thank sameoldhope and sparky77 for their unyielding devotion to the cause, because you are only as good as the team you have whipping you on.
+ And last, but never least I'd like to thank my cast for being so fucking hot. And you, the readers, for coming along on this Cracktastic Voyage. I hope you've enjoyed yourself as much as I have.
Soundtrack for Make Sure They See My Face // The Frayed Edge
MSTSMF: Hole // Celebrity; INXS // New Sensation; Dixie Chicks // The Long Way Around; Skee-Lo // I Wish; David Bowie // Cracked Actors; John Lee Hooker // I'm Bad Like Jesse James; Kenna // Man Fading; John Barrowman // Feeling Good
TFE: Supergrass // St Petersberg; Just Jack // Snowflake; Amy Winehouse // Help Yourself; Mos Def // Sun, Moon & Stars; Pulp // Trees; Travis // Driftwood; Gomez // Old China; Incubus // Drive
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