RPS -- Incredibly True Adventures of Four Stars, Two Actors In Love, and One Gay Landmark 3/4
The people have spoken!
In honour of you lot, and my girl's book coming out tomorrow, I present:
RPS/RPF
Jake Gyllenhaal, Peter Sarsgaard, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Ari Gold, Matt Damon & George Clooney, in…
The Incredibly True Adventures of Four Stars, Two Actors In Love, and One Gay Landmark 3/4
All prior parts start here
Boo Radley's Antiques sits on the corner of Melrose and La Brea in Hollywood. Well, it's in that murky West Hollywood -- Hollywood blended area, but since it's east of La Brea, technically, it's all Hollywood.
Jake knows of people who refuse to go east of La Brea because they consider it falling off the edge into the void. Apparently, anything not Beverly Hills or Santa Monica is the Dark Side, which is the stupidest thing Jake has ever heard. Of course, in Jake's line of business the idiots and the business people tend to overlap heavily, so, it's not very often that Jake meets people he genuinely likes and respects.
He's fortunate that his sister happens to be dating one of the few good guys. If Peter were an ass, Jake would have to kill him. Or have him committed.
"Am I the only person who feels kind of rabbity right now?" Pete says. "I feel like I need to hop around on one leg, eat carrots, and fuck around with Elmer Fudd?"
Jake glances up from the rosewood cabinet he's looking at; Pete's eying him through the bottom of a large multi-coloured glass. "Is this another conversation about the whole nature versus nurture thing or are you just stoned?"
Pete twitches his nose. "I wish. You two make me eat macrobiotic food for lunch, what do you think I'm suppose to say? That I feel like a Fanta? Where's the meat when you need it? Kirsten and Jared messed your brain up -- humans can't live on rabbit food, but don't worry, I'm here to make it right."
It's the first time in an age that someone's mentioned Kirsten or Jared to Jake, and surprisingly, it doesn't bother him in the least bit. In fact, Jake snickers. "I though the commercial was 'don't you want a Fanta?'"
"Whatever it is, it's annoying."
"Yeah, just like you."
"Ooooh," Maggie appears from behind several tall armoires that have been "restored". They look like Ikea bits that have been glossed over for quick-sale authenticity. "Burn, sssss," she says making an invisible tally in the air.
Peter sticks his tongue out. "I thought you were supposed to be on my side?"
"There are no sides," Jake says solemnly, studying an overlarge brass object that looks like it should be a coffee-pot. "There is only the whole."
The not-coffee pot is huge and gold, with a slightly verdant hue. It may be greening brass. It's pretty. It clangs. Jake likes it. Even if he has no idea what the hell it is.
"So this is what hanging out with Viggo Mortensen has made of you?" Maggie says with a grin. "I heard he was a little nutty."
"The man's not nutty," Peter says defensively, "he's the king!"
Maggie just scoffs. "Down, fanboy. Down."
Jake can't help the snickering. Viggo isn't exactly the most normal person he's ever encountered, but he is brilliant. And talented. And inclined to talk about three different things at the same time. And he likes to shoot photographs in his pyjamas.
Jake doesn't even realize he's speaking aloud until Maggie cuts him off. "It sounds like somebody's got a crush."
"I'd have a crush, too," Peter sulks. "If somebody would introduce me."
Jake takes the lid off the non-coffe pot and looks inside. "He's kinda busy right now -- he's having Thanksgiving with the hobbits." He speaks into the not-coffee pot, his voice ringing and echoing.
Maggie gapes. "I cannot believe you said that with a straight face."
"That is your brother," Pete says with a shake of his head.
"Yeah, but he's your friend."
"Except for when his teeth get hurt," Peter amends.
"Hey, that hurt, fucktard." Jake puts the top back on the not-coffeepot and moves on the chair section. There's a big green wicker chair taking up a central area, but a) Jake's not big on wicker, since it always feels like lots of needles sticking him in the ass, and b) he highly doubts that wicker can be considered an antique.
Pete follows on his heels, poking him in the ribs as they move from recliner to recliner. "I didn't even do it, you big cry baby!" Pete says.
"Yeah, but you laughed."
"God, you're a sissy -- which is obviously why you wouldn't speak to me for ten days."
Jake sighs. "The best ten days of my life."
"Speak for yourself," Maggie says joining them, and carrying the not-coffee pot. "Do you know what it's like to have two 14 year-old drama queens calling you every five seconds? Jake did this. Pete did that. I hate him. I hate him. God, I would've told you to get a room if you weren't already living together."
Jake can laugh about this now, but at the time it was serious. "Hey, do you know what that thing is?" he says, gesturing to the not-coffee pot.
"I was going to ask you that," she says, brandishing the golden-coloured object.
"It looks a beer tap," Peter says thoughtfully. "Or a great big hookah. Except for the lack of pipes."
"Do you think about anything besides weed?" Maggie is working on sounding exasperated, but the smirking thing kind of kills it.
"I think about you," Pete says gravely, perching on a large leather armchair.
Maggie rolls her eyes good-naturedly, and Jake just groans. "Get a room," he says, taking the not-coffee pot from Maggie.
This is one of those times when it would be nice if a salesperson would materialize, but this is L.A. and all the sales people are apparently too jaded to provide quality service, especially if they recognize you, which Jake presumes is what the shrieking and running to the back of the store when they walked in was about.
Jake's only in the antique store because the name caught his attention. He really is a big To Kill a Mockingbird geek.
"It's called a samovar," a male voice offers helpfully, and when Jake looks up his heart does this weird thing - it starts to beat faster. "My grandmother's Russian; she had one."
"Wow," Jake says, shifting the samovar from one arm to another. "Long time no see."
"Oh, I've seen you," the man says. "Your face is everywhere - it's like being in Fahrenheit 451. "
"Tell me about it, man," Pete says getting to his feet as Maggie brushes by Jake and hugs the newcomer.
Jake sets the samovar down on something, he has no idea what, and waits his turn to hug his former co-star.
It's been a while since they've seen each other, and he certainly doesn't remember Austin looking this good when they shot The Day After Tomorrow. He's taller, and his hair is shinier. And longer. He just looks really good. And clean.
Austin is the Anti-Jared, and Jake needs to have a smoke now. He doesn't even realise he's staring until Pete whacks him in the shoulder. "What?" he says more snappishly than he intends, only to color slightly when Austin cocks his head to the side and grins. When Jake hugs him, it's totally a manly hug, hard and fierce, except for the bit where he holds on a little too long.
It doesn't really help that over Austin's shoulder Jake can see Pete's jaw drop and Maggie grinning like a loon.
It's not that Austin is Jake's long-lost love or anything, it's just that during the time that Jake and Austin saw each other every day, Jake was dating Kirsten, but now Jake's single and Austin's here, and well - who knows?
It would probably help if they weren't reenacting the Titanic clutch in the middle of an antique store. "So," Jake says, letting go and stepping back.
"So," Austin parrots, his eyes crinkling at the corners.
Maggie snorts from somewhere behind them. "Boys."
*
There are voices coming from the conference room of The Gold Agency, and Jake pauses in the doorway, trying to peer through the crack and gage the situation before entering.
He needs to have his wits about him if he's going to be dealing with George and Brad and Ari, and it doesn't help that his mind is very fuzzy since seeing Austin and the lot of them ending up drinking at The Cat and Fiddle at four in the afternoon.
It has to be the alcohol, unless it's the hard-on that's been bothering him since he hugged Austin. How is he supposed to focus when all the blood in his body is in his dick? He can't believe Mia sent him into the lion's den on his own -- why they hell did he tell her that she didn't need to come with him? Why did she believe him?
God, she's leaving him alone with Ari and that thought is enough to kill Jake's erection dead. At least now he can focus on the eavesdropping.
"So, what was that whole thing with the sheepdog? Are you really fucking sheepdogs these days? What happened to that blow up doll I got you for your birthday? Does Luciana know about this? I hope you're using protection, for the sake of the sheepdog."
"George, you cut me to the quick with your witty barbs and rhetoric. Speaking of protection, how are things with Lisa? Oh, that's right, she dumped you. Again." The guy speaking now isn't Brad, and it's not Ari, but his voice is really familiar in a weird way. Jake can't quite place it.
"She didn't dump me," George sounds slightly annoyed. "I told you, she does my laundry. God, we go over this all the time."
"No, I think you're thinking of you and your wife. Speaking of Mrs Clooney, I hear she's gone off to Tokyo now? What's up with that? You must've really pissed her off this time."
"He wants to save the world." There's a pause and very loud sigh. "He wants to save the fucking world! He's become a goddamn humanitarian! I say politics and he says Greenpeace! Matt, where did I go wrong?"
George sounds seriously aggrieved here, and Jake feels bad, because it's pretty obvious to anybody who's been in a supermarket checkout line that George is talking about Brad Pitt.
It's just occurring to Jake who Matt is, when he's suddenly accosted.
"It's the man with the golden ass! Jake, baby, what you are doing loitering in the hallway like you're waiting for your dealer? Are George and Brad fucking on the conference room table again? What the fuck people! I told you if you were having gay sex on my furniture you were going to have to buy it!"
Jake is once again caught in the Ari Gold whirling dervish, and before he knows it, he's being propelled through the door amidst Ari and aftershave and posterboards.
It takes Jake a moment to get his bearings, and apparently, his guess was right on the money.
"Well, if it isn't Will fucking Hunting," Ari says, slapping posterboards on the conference room table and putting his hands on his hips expectantly as though he's done something extremely impressive. "Matt, baby, long fucking time no see. First of all, let me just tell you that you were too good for Ben, and I'm happy that you've found yourself a nice beard. You got the better deal by far -- apparently, Jen Garner is a harpy. We won't even talk about J. Ho."
Matt Damon is, well, a lot slighter than Jake thought he would be, and he certainly doesn't seem fazed by Ari in the faintest. "Ari, it’s always a pleasure to see you've climbed out from underneath your rock for a bit. How's the Missus Ari, she was really good at sucking my dick last night, I gotta say."
Ari makes a dismissive wave. "As though you'd let a woman suck your dick, Matty. Seriously, George, I thought you were going to leave the matchmaking to me, but if you want to hook up Jake and Matt, be my guest."
All the fast talk is going by Jake like spitballs, but he definitely heard the words matchmaking and Matt and his name, and he feels like now is an excellent time to step in. Apparently working with George and Ari is like getting on the Autobahn. If you're not going 100 miles an hour just to merge, you'll be roadkill.
"Okay, everybody back it up a minute," Jake says, holding his hands up in what he hopes in an authoritative way instead of the Oh God, Don't Run Me Over look. He turns towards Matt. "First of all, hi, we haven't met, I'm Jake"
"I'm Matt. I saw you in Jarhead. Nice job." Matt stands up and leans over the table to shake Jake's hand.
"It's no Saving Private Ryan," Jake says easily, shaking Matt's hand firmly and trying not to kick himself for doing the fanboy number. He's been doing this too long for that to happen.
Matt's got good hands, too. Strong. Dry. Jared's hands were always kind of damp, but now, Jake doesn't have to deal with that. Every day there's something better about not being with Jared Leto anymore. So far today it's been Austin and Matt Damon. Huh.
Sometimes it's really good to be Jake Gyllenhaal.
"Yeah, but I didn't get to work with Jamie Foxx." Matt grins. His teeth are entirely too white. It's kind of blinding.
"You are seriously sweating Jamie, aren't you?" George interrupts, getting to his feet and coming around the table to hug Jake. He claps Jake on the back hard. This is a manly hug. George is good. "Jake, it's good to see you, finally. I feel like I know you better than some of my exes -- and not just because you look better than most of them either."
Jake can feel the heat in his face, but he realizes this is just how George is with his friends. They're close enough that they mock each other about how close they are, it's kind of cool that he's been included in that. He just has to remind himself that George bantering is not George flirting. Unless it is. Jake's still not sure.
"George, stop flirting with your employees unless you want me to take out some Sexual harassment insurance on you," Ari interjects motioning for everyone to sit down. "I've told you -- if you fuck the help, they have to sign confidentiality agreements first."
"You can pay me right now," Matt says taking his seat again. "My ass is still bruised from too much George attention."
Jake has had the Brad Pitt & George Clooney experience many times over at this point, but the George Clooney & Matt Damon thing is new. He kind of likes it. It seems less likely to involve fisticuffs, except for when George smacks the back of Matt's head as he sits down on Matt's left.
Jake sits down in at the seat that Matt pulls out on his right.
Ari scoffs, perching on the table. "I don’t need to hear about what you two are getting up to after hours, just tell me if this means that Mr Jolie is off the deal or what?"
George snickers. "Sorry, Ari, still no divorce. Matt's just here for moral support. We've got Syriana press."
"Uh huh," Ari says, sliding off the table and picking up the posterboards. "I know a hook-up when I see it. Either you two are fucking," he says gesturing to George and Matt, "or you're trying to hook him up with The Boy With the Golden Ass. Either way about it, just tell me in advance so we can get rich."
Jake's dizzy with banter, and Matt grins at him when he shakes his head. "They're like this all the time" he says in a low voice. "Just watch, it's better than HBO."
"LOOK!" Ari shouts, gesturing towards Jake and Matt. "They're practically climbing on each other after five seconds! Its only a matter of time before they're fucking on the table too. I'm rich, bitch! Dave Chapelle is going to call me to borrow ten bucks."
"Ari." Jake's heard George use this tone before. It's almost like Ari's a hyper-active puppy. A rottweiler puppy, but a puppy nevertheless.
"Okay, okay, shit, you never let me have any fun," Ari whines. "But fuck that up the ass, because we've got bigger problems. I just got the first set of photos back from Crazy Mortensen, and just look at them!"
Ari holds up the posterboards and Jake looks. And looks.
He doesn't think he photographs well at all, and his ass is hanging out in the first one. Still, he likes doing photos with Viggo, because Viggo makes everything really laid back and chill.
The day of the shoot they'd met up at Viggo's house in The Hills and just talked about shit. Jake talked about a book he's just finished, Salt: A World History, and Viggo showed him a painting he'd finished that morning. Viggo's son, Henry, had come by with his girlfriend, Evan, and they'd all smoked a joint together, before Viggo and Jake had gone for a walk.
Jake hadn't even realised that'd Viggo'd brought a camera along until now. He remembered the last two though.
"I like them," George says after a few minutes of appraisal. "They're rugged and honest." He winks at Jake. "You look good."
"I like'em too," Matt says, and Jake smiles a bit stupidly.
"What kind of queers are you?" Ari howls. "They're too dark. They're not selling the product. They're not gay enough! They don't look gay enough! He looks like fucking Huckleberry Finn!"
Jake, George and Matt all eye him at once.
"Not," George begins.
"Gay," Matt continues.
"Enough." Jake finishes in unison.
"Exactly," Ari says.
"Jake is gay!" George explodes. "What do you mean he doesn't look gay?"
"Being gay and looking gay aren't the same thing!" Ari shoots back. "Just look at the English! And Tom Cruise!"
George and Matt make scoffing noises at the same time that Jake's phone vibrates in his pocket. He can't even deal with Ari right now.
There's a text from Maggie:
Austin is coming over for dinner. To your place. Cook something. We'll be there at nine to make sure you don't fuck it up. -- xx, M
Jake's brain whirls, and he doesn't even realise that Ari's talking to him until Matt elbows him and nods towards where Ari's gesturing wildly.
"I left a message for Crazy Viggo that you're doing another shoot next week. Your schedule is free. I spoke to the hooker who works for you, and she said you can do it between Brokebitch press," Ari says.
Jake just nods. Matt and George are talking to him now, and he hears them saying stuff about the photo shoot, but he needs to get to Whole Foods and shop. He's going to be cooking tonight apparently, and he stands up kind of abruptly. "I gotta go," he says, pocketing his phone. "You guys make the arrangements and call me or whatever."
Everyone stands up, and George looks a little worried, but Jake just winks back. "Apparently, I have to go be gay now," he says by way of explanation. "Ari seems to think it needs some work."
Matt snickers, and Jake claps him on the shoulder as he leaves. "We should hang out some time, I'll take you to one of Jamie's parties," he says. Matt grins like he just won the lottery, and Jake just nods to Ari, who shouts "Think Gay!" as Jake closes the door behind him.
--On to the last bit: Part 4-
ETA: I know the photos aren't there, apparently, LJ's broken this as well.
+ Boo Radley's European Antiques
+ Photos provided by green_queen, resmin and soul_duck_cake
+ To read about Viggo and Henry and how Brad met Viggo, read ethrosdemon's Colour of Wheat series. It's the shit!
+ And for those whose might be interested, although the Management does not condone such actions whatsoever: How to Kidnap Matt Damon courtesy of lyra_sena
In honour of you lot, and my girl's book coming out tomorrow, I present:
RPS/RPF
Jake Gyllenhaal, Peter Sarsgaard, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Ari Gold, Matt Damon & George Clooney, in…
The Incredibly True Adventures of Four Stars, Two Actors In Love, and One Gay Landmark 3/4
All prior parts start here
Boo Radley's Antiques sits on the corner of Melrose and La Brea in Hollywood. Well, it's in that murky West Hollywood -- Hollywood blended area, but since it's east of La Brea, technically, it's all Hollywood.
Jake knows of people who refuse to go east of La Brea because they consider it falling off the edge into the void. Apparently, anything not Beverly Hills or Santa Monica is the Dark Side, which is the stupidest thing Jake has ever heard. Of course, in Jake's line of business the idiots and the business people tend to overlap heavily, so, it's not very often that Jake meets people he genuinely likes and respects.
He's fortunate that his sister happens to be dating one of the few good guys. If Peter were an ass, Jake would have to kill him. Or have him committed.
"Am I the only person who feels kind of rabbity right now?" Pete says. "I feel like I need to hop around on one leg, eat carrots, and fuck around with Elmer Fudd?"
Jake glances up from the rosewood cabinet he's looking at; Pete's eying him through the bottom of a large multi-coloured glass. "Is this another conversation about the whole nature versus nurture thing or are you just stoned?"
Pete twitches his nose. "I wish. You two make me eat macrobiotic food for lunch, what do you think I'm suppose to say? That I feel like a Fanta? Where's the meat when you need it? Kirsten and Jared messed your brain up -- humans can't live on rabbit food, but don't worry, I'm here to make it right."
It's the first time in an age that someone's mentioned Kirsten or Jared to Jake, and surprisingly, it doesn't bother him in the least bit. In fact, Jake snickers. "I though the commercial was 'don't you want a Fanta?'"
"Whatever it is, it's annoying."
"Yeah, just like you."
"Ooooh," Maggie appears from behind several tall armoires that have been "restored". They look like Ikea bits that have been glossed over for quick-sale authenticity. "Burn, sssss," she says making an invisible tally in the air.
Peter sticks his tongue out. "I thought you were supposed to be on my side?"
"There are no sides," Jake says solemnly, studying an overlarge brass object that looks like it should be a coffee-pot. "There is only the whole."
The not-coffee pot is huge and gold, with a slightly verdant hue. It may be greening brass. It's pretty. It clangs. Jake likes it. Even if he has no idea what the hell it is.
"So this is what hanging out with Viggo Mortensen has made of you?" Maggie says with a grin. "I heard he was a little nutty."
"The man's not nutty," Peter says defensively, "he's the king!"
Maggie just scoffs. "Down, fanboy. Down."
Jake can't help the snickering. Viggo isn't exactly the most normal person he's ever encountered, but he is brilliant. And talented. And inclined to talk about three different things at the same time. And he likes to shoot photographs in his pyjamas.
Jake doesn't even realize he's speaking aloud until Maggie cuts him off. "It sounds like somebody's got a crush."
"I'd have a crush, too," Peter sulks. "If somebody would introduce me."
Jake takes the lid off the non-coffe pot and looks inside. "He's kinda busy right now -- he's having Thanksgiving with the hobbits." He speaks into the not-coffee pot, his voice ringing and echoing.
Maggie gapes. "I cannot believe you said that with a straight face."
"That is your brother," Pete says with a shake of his head.
"Yeah, but he's your friend."
"Except for when his teeth get hurt," Peter amends.
"Hey, that hurt, fucktard." Jake puts the top back on the not-coffeepot and moves on the chair section. There's a big green wicker chair taking up a central area, but a) Jake's not big on wicker, since it always feels like lots of needles sticking him in the ass, and b) he highly doubts that wicker can be considered an antique.
Pete follows on his heels, poking him in the ribs as they move from recliner to recliner. "I didn't even do it, you big cry baby!" Pete says.
"Yeah, but you laughed."
"God, you're a sissy -- which is obviously why you wouldn't speak to me for ten days."
Jake sighs. "The best ten days of my life."
"Speak for yourself," Maggie says joining them, and carrying the not-coffee pot. "Do you know what it's like to have two 14 year-old drama queens calling you every five seconds? Jake did this. Pete did that. I hate him. I hate him. God, I would've told you to get a room if you weren't already living together."
Jake can laugh about this now, but at the time it was serious. "Hey, do you know what that thing is?" he says, gesturing to the not-coffee pot.
"I was going to ask you that," she says, brandishing the golden-coloured object.
"It looks a beer tap," Peter says thoughtfully. "Or a great big hookah. Except for the lack of pipes."
"Do you think about anything besides weed?" Maggie is working on sounding exasperated, but the smirking thing kind of kills it.
"I think about you," Pete says gravely, perching on a large leather armchair.
Maggie rolls her eyes good-naturedly, and Jake just groans. "Get a room," he says, taking the not-coffee pot from Maggie.
This is one of those times when it would be nice if a salesperson would materialize, but this is L.A. and all the sales people are apparently too jaded to provide quality service, especially if they recognize you, which Jake presumes is what the shrieking and running to the back of the store when they walked in was about.
Jake's only in the antique store because the name caught his attention. He really is a big To Kill a Mockingbird geek.
"It's called a samovar," a male voice offers helpfully, and when Jake looks up his heart does this weird thing - it starts to beat faster. "My grandmother's Russian; she had one."
"Wow," Jake says, shifting the samovar from one arm to another. "Long time no see."
"Oh, I've seen you," the man says. "Your face is everywhere - it's like being in Fahrenheit 451. "
"Tell me about it, man," Pete says getting to his feet as Maggie brushes by Jake and hugs the newcomer.
Jake sets the samovar down on something, he has no idea what, and waits his turn to hug his former co-star.
It's been a while since they've seen each other, and he certainly doesn't remember Austin looking this good when they shot The Day After Tomorrow. He's taller, and his hair is shinier. And longer. He just looks really good. And clean.
Austin is the Anti-Jared, and Jake needs to have a smoke now. He doesn't even realise he's staring until Pete whacks him in the shoulder. "What?" he says more snappishly than he intends, only to color slightly when Austin cocks his head to the side and grins. When Jake hugs him, it's totally a manly hug, hard and fierce, except for the bit where he holds on a little too long.
It doesn't really help that over Austin's shoulder Jake can see Pete's jaw drop and Maggie grinning like a loon.
It's not that Austin is Jake's long-lost love or anything, it's just that during the time that Jake and Austin saw each other every day, Jake was dating Kirsten, but now Jake's single and Austin's here, and well - who knows?
It would probably help if they weren't reenacting the Titanic clutch in the middle of an antique store. "So," Jake says, letting go and stepping back.
"So," Austin parrots, his eyes crinkling at the corners.
Maggie snorts from somewhere behind them. "Boys."
*
There are voices coming from the conference room of The Gold Agency, and Jake pauses in the doorway, trying to peer through the crack and gage the situation before entering.
He needs to have his wits about him if he's going to be dealing with George and Brad and Ari, and it doesn't help that his mind is very fuzzy since seeing Austin and the lot of them ending up drinking at The Cat and Fiddle at four in the afternoon.
It has to be the alcohol, unless it's the hard-on that's been bothering him since he hugged Austin. How is he supposed to focus when all the blood in his body is in his dick? He can't believe Mia sent him into the lion's den on his own -- why they hell did he tell her that she didn't need to come with him? Why did she believe him?
God, she's leaving him alone with Ari and that thought is enough to kill Jake's erection dead. At least now he can focus on the eavesdropping.
"So, what was that whole thing with the sheepdog? Are you really fucking sheepdogs these days? What happened to that blow up doll I got you for your birthday? Does Luciana know about this? I hope you're using protection, for the sake of the sheepdog."
"George, you cut me to the quick with your witty barbs and rhetoric. Speaking of protection, how are things with Lisa? Oh, that's right, she dumped you. Again." The guy speaking now isn't Brad, and it's not Ari, but his voice is really familiar in a weird way. Jake can't quite place it.
"She didn't dump me," George sounds slightly annoyed. "I told you, she does my laundry. God, we go over this all the time."
"No, I think you're thinking of you and your wife. Speaking of Mrs Clooney, I hear she's gone off to Tokyo now? What's up with that? You must've really pissed her off this time."
"He wants to save the world." There's a pause and very loud sigh. "He wants to save the fucking world! He's become a goddamn humanitarian! I say politics and he says Greenpeace! Matt, where did I go wrong?"
George sounds seriously aggrieved here, and Jake feels bad, because it's pretty obvious to anybody who's been in a supermarket checkout line that George is talking about Brad Pitt.
It's just occurring to Jake who Matt is, when he's suddenly accosted.
"It's the man with the golden ass! Jake, baby, what you are doing loitering in the hallway like you're waiting for your dealer? Are George and Brad fucking on the conference room table again? What the fuck people! I told you if you were having gay sex on my furniture you were going to have to buy it!"
Jake is once again caught in the Ari Gold whirling dervish, and before he knows it, he's being propelled through the door amidst Ari and aftershave and posterboards.
It takes Jake a moment to get his bearings, and apparently, his guess was right on the money.
"Well, if it isn't Will fucking Hunting," Ari says, slapping posterboards on the conference room table and putting his hands on his hips expectantly as though he's done something extremely impressive. "Matt, baby, long fucking time no see. First of all, let me just tell you that you were too good for Ben, and I'm happy that you've found yourself a nice beard. You got the better deal by far -- apparently, Jen Garner is a harpy. We won't even talk about J. Ho."
Matt Damon is, well, a lot slighter than Jake thought he would be, and he certainly doesn't seem fazed by Ari in the faintest. "Ari, it’s always a pleasure to see you've climbed out from underneath your rock for a bit. How's the Missus Ari, she was really good at sucking my dick last night, I gotta say."
Ari makes a dismissive wave. "As though you'd let a woman suck your dick, Matty. Seriously, George, I thought you were going to leave the matchmaking to me, but if you want to hook up Jake and Matt, be my guest."
All the fast talk is going by Jake like spitballs, but he definitely heard the words matchmaking and Matt and his name, and he feels like now is an excellent time to step in. Apparently working with George and Ari is like getting on the Autobahn. If you're not going 100 miles an hour just to merge, you'll be roadkill.
"Okay, everybody back it up a minute," Jake says, holding his hands up in what he hopes in an authoritative way instead of the Oh God, Don't Run Me Over look. He turns towards Matt. "First of all, hi, we haven't met, I'm Jake"
"I'm Matt. I saw you in Jarhead. Nice job." Matt stands up and leans over the table to shake Jake's hand.
"It's no Saving Private Ryan," Jake says easily, shaking Matt's hand firmly and trying not to kick himself for doing the fanboy number. He's been doing this too long for that to happen.
Matt's got good hands, too. Strong. Dry. Jared's hands were always kind of damp, but now, Jake doesn't have to deal with that. Every day there's something better about not being with Jared Leto anymore. So far today it's been Austin and Matt Damon. Huh.
Sometimes it's really good to be Jake Gyllenhaal.
"Yeah, but I didn't get to work with Jamie Foxx." Matt grins. His teeth are entirely too white. It's kind of blinding.
"You are seriously sweating Jamie, aren't you?" George interrupts, getting to his feet and coming around the table to hug Jake. He claps Jake on the back hard. This is a manly hug. George is good. "Jake, it's good to see you, finally. I feel like I know you better than some of my exes -- and not just because you look better than most of them either."
Jake can feel the heat in his face, but he realizes this is just how George is with his friends. They're close enough that they mock each other about how close they are, it's kind of cool that he's been included in that. He just has to remind himself that George bantering is not George flirting. Unless it is. Jake's still not sure.
"George, stop flirting with your employees unless you want me to take out some Sexual harassment insurance on you," Ari interjects motioning for everyone to sit down. "I've told you -- if you fuck the help, they have to sign confidentiality agreements first."
"You can pay me right now," Matt says taking his seat again. "My ass is still bruised from too much George attention."
Jake has had the Brad Pitt & George Clooney experience many times over at this point, but the George Clooney & Matt Damon thing is new. He kind of likes it. It seems less likely to involve fisticuffs, except for when George smacks the back of Matt's head as he sits down on Matt's left.
Jake sits down in at the seat that Matt pulls out on his right.
Ari scoffs, perching on the table. "I don’t need to hear about what you two are getting up to after hours, just tell me if this means that Mr Jolie is off the deal or what?"
George snickers. "Sorry, Ari, still no divorce. Matt's just here for moral support. We've got Syriana press."
"Uh huh," Ari says, sliding off the table and picking up the posterboards. "I know a hook-up when I see it. Either you two are fucking," he says gesturing to George and Matt, "or you're trying to hook him up with The Boy With the Golden Ass. Either way about it, just tell me in advance so we can get rich."
Jake's dizzy with banter, and Matt grins at him when he shakes his head. "They're like this all the time" he says in a low voice. "Just watch, it's better than HBO."
"LOOK!" Ari shouts, gesturing towards Jake and Matt. "They're practically climbing on each other after five seconds! Its only a matter of time before they're fucking on the table too. I'm rich, bitch! Dave Chapelle is going to call me to borrow ten bucks."
"Ari." Jake's heard George use this tone before. It's almost like Ari's a hyper-active puppy. A rottweiler puppy, but a puppy nevertheless.
"Okay, okay, shit, you never let me have any fun," Ari whines. "But fuck that up the ass, because we've got bigger problems. I just got the first set of photos back from Crazy Mortensen, and just look at them!"
Ari holds up the posterboards and Jake looks. And looks.
He doesn't think he photographs well at all, and his ass is hanging out in the first one. Still, he likes doing photos with Viggo, because Viggo makes everything really laid back and chill.
The day of the shoot they'd met up at Viggo's house in The Hills and just talked about shit. Jake talked about a book he's just finished, Salt: A World History, and Viggo showed him a painting he'd finished that morning. Viggo's son, Henry, had come by with his girlfriend, Evan, and they'd all smoked a joint together, before Viggo and Jake had gone for a walk.
Jake hadn't even realised that'd Viggo'd brought a camera along until now. He remembered the last two though.
"I like them," George says after a few minutes of appraisal. "They're rugged and honest." He winks at Jake. "You look good."
"I like'em too," Matt says, and Jake smiles a bit stupidly.
"What kind of queers are you?" Ari howls. "They're too dark. They're not selling the product. They're not gay enough! They don't look gay enough! He looks like fucking Huckleberry Finn!"
Jake, George and Matt all eye him at once.
"Not," George begins.
"Gay," Matt continues.
"Enough." Jake finishes in unison.
"Exactly," Ari says.
"Jake is gay!" George explodes. "What do you mean he doesn't look gay?"
"Being gay and looking gay aren't the same thing!" Ari shoots back. "Just look at the English! And Tom Cruise!"
George and Matt make scoffing noises at the same time that Jake's phone vibrates in his pocket. He can't even deal with Ari right now.
There's a text from Maggie:
Austin is coming over for dinner. To your place. Cook something. We'll be there at nine to make sure you don't fuck it up. -- xx, M
Jake's brain whirls, and he doesn't even realise that Ari's talking to him until Matt elbows him and nods towards where Ari's gesturing wildly.
"I left a message for Crazy Viggo that you're doing another shoot next week. Your schedule is free. I spoke to the hooker who works for you, and she said you can do it between Brokebitch press," Ari says.
Jake just nods. Matt and George are talking to him now, and he hears them saying stuff about the photo shoot, but he needs to get to Whole Foods and shop. He's going to be cooking tonight apparently, and he stands up kind of abruptly. "I gotta go," he says, pocketing his phone. "You guys make the arrangements and call me or whatever."
Everyone stands up, and George looks a little worried, but Jake just winks back. "Apparently, I have to go be gay now," he says by way of explanation. "Ari seems to think it needs some work."
Matt snickers, and Jake claps him on the shoulder as he leaves. "We should hang out some time, I'll take you to one of Jamie's parties," he says. Matt grins like he just won the lottery, and Jake just nods to Ari, who shouts "Think Gay!" as Jake closes the door behind him.
--On to the last bit: Part 4-
ETA: I know the photos aren't there, apparently, LJ's broken this as well.
+ Boo Radley's European Antiques
+ Photos provided by green_queen, resmin and soul_duck_cake
+ To read about Viggo and Henry and how Brad met Viggo, read ethrosdemon's Colour of Wheat series. It's the shit!
+ And for those whose might be interested, although the Management does not condone such actions whatsoever: How to Kidnap Matt Damon courtesy of lyra_sena