How do we reach normal?
I had a rather frustrating night last night. My car wouldn't start in the morning, because the battery (which I've had checked twice now) was drained, and my grandpa had loaned my jumper cables to my cousin, so I had to take the bus to work. That's not the end of the world--it took 70 minutes and I was 2 hours late to work. Oh well.
I got frozen of course, and was finally released at 11:30 PM I raced down to the light-rail and managed to get to the ticket machine while the train was still there, but by the time I had my ticket it was pulling away. So I had to wait until the next train at 12:09. Since there were no more buses going out west, I had arranged for my mom to pick me up at the last light-rail stop, which is closer for her than driving all the way out to the airport. The last light rail stop is at 5th st. and 1st Ave. She's picked my sister up here before and it was a good spot before.
Unfortunately because of my ridiculous work schedule, I didn't even think about the fact that it was a Friday night! There were people EVERYWHERE! I couldn't believe it! People out walking on the streets, just like in a real city. It blew me away. I've never seen anything like that in Minneapolis before! People were taking taxis! In Minnesota! It was just bizarre.
I realized that this would probably make it more difficult for my mom to get through all the traffic, but trusted she would eventually. So I sat, and I waited, and I waited some more. About 45 minutes later, I finally got a message from her (somehow I managed to miss my mobile vibrating and it was too loud to hear it ring) telling me 1st Ave. was blocked off. Brilliant. Sure enough, they had it blocked off from Washington down to at 7th or 8th. One of the cops claimed they always did this on Friday and Saturday nights during the summer to prevent "cruising". Would have been nice for them to let people know about it! So I start wandering around, looking for my mom's car and trying to make myself visible, walking past such cultural gems as the Gay 90's and Augie's Cabaret, being especially aware of how not-in the suburbs I was, if you know what I mean. Finally I got another call from my mom and was picked up around 2:20 AM.
Anyway, the whole point of this post and what I wanted to write about is how sitting there waiting on the corner of 5th & 1st in my nice NWA uniform made me feel. It made me realize just how COMPLETELY out of touch I am with any semblance of "normal" youth culture. What people my age are supposed to do. I didn't even know this place existed! I mean, I did--I've been there many times before, but I've never seen people out walking on the streets like that, just like in all of the bigger cities I've travelled to. Club and bar hopping, whatever it is they are doing. I watched people, most of whom were very near my own age, walking around, having fun, doing whatever it is they do, and I don't have a fucking clue how to relate. This really bothers me. It's not that I really -want- to do those things, but I have an extremely strong desire to at least be normal enough to have the option. I suppose it also bothered me that I am 25 years old, and had to wait for my mommy to pick me up because my car broke down. I thought I was a bit more independent than that. *sigh*
This is the same type of thing Lisa got into in Hawaii, which is why it is so bothersome for me. Before when we were together, we were very much on the same level. Now she was able to cross that bridge into the "normal" youth world, however I am not, and I hate that. I feel so...incompetent. Maybe it's because of just how shocked I was by it all that I feel so bad. I didn't think I was that clueless about modern life. I've seen such things in movies and TV, and in other cities I've travelled to, it was appropriate. But never have I seen it in Minneapolis. And that is a reflection of me, and how out of touch I am.
I don't know how to solve this problem. Alcohol is one solution, I suppose. My unwillingness to drink must limit my experiences, right? Should I assume that alcohol really works as a "social lubricant" as people claim, and that, were I willing to drink, I would suddenly find myself able to participate in such activities and relate to these people? Unfortunately, I don't think it's nearly so simple. And that's not an acceptable solution to me anyway. Maybe I just need to come to grips with myself.
I want to learn how to create strong friendships. The people I would consider "friends", namely those few who might ever actually read this journal, are all very nice, and I enjoy spending time with them, but I'm sure they would admit they're not exactly "close" to me. Other than Lisa, I don't feel close to anyone, and that relationship is obviously rather messed up. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore, I'm just rambling. If you read this, I do apologize. I don't know what to do other than keep on living my life, and assume that at some point in the future, some meaning or purpose will come to it; that I'll learn how to deal with or fix these issues in order to get what I want and need. Until then? I'll continue on struggling...
I got frozen of course, and was finally released at 11:30 PM I raced down to the light-rail and managed to get to the ticket machine while the train was still there, but by the time I had my ticket it was pulling away. So I had to wait until the next train at 12:09. Since there were no more buses going out west, I had arranged for my mom to pick me up at the last light-rail stop, which is closer for her than driving all the way out to the airport. The last light rail stop is at 5th st. and 1st Ave. She's picked my sister up here before and it was a good spot before.
Unfortunately because of my ridiculous work schedule, I didn't even think about the fact that it was a Friday night! There were people EVERYWHERE! I couldn't believe it! People out walking on the streets, just like in a real city. It blew me away. I've never seen anything like that in Minneapolis before! People were taking taxis! In Minnesota! It was just bizarre.
I realized that this would probably make it more difficult for my mom to get through all the traffic, but trusted she would eventually. So I sat, and I waited, and I waited some more. About 45 minutes later, I finally got a message from her (somehow I managed to miss my mobile vibrating and it was too loud to hear it ring) telling me 1st Ave. was blocked off. Brilliant. Sure enough, they had it blocked off from Washington down to at 7th or 8th. One of the cops claimed they always did this on Friday and Saturday nights during the summer to prevent "cruising". Would have been nice for them to let people know about it! So I start wandering around, looking for my mom's car and trying to make myself visible, walking past such cultural gems as the Gay 90's and Augie's Cabaret, being especially aware of how not-in the suburbs I was, if you know what I mean. Finally I got another call from my mom and was picked up around 2:20 AM.
Anyway, the whole point of this post and what I wanted to write about is how sitting there waiting on the corner of 5th & 1st in my nice NWA uniform made me feel. It made me realize just how COMPLETELY out of touch I am with any semblance of "normal" youth culture. What people my age are supposed to do. I didn't even know this place existed! I mean, I did--I've been there many times before, but I've never seen people out walking on the streets like that, just like in all of the bigger cities I've travelled to. Club and bar hopping, whatever it is they are doing. I watched people, most of whom were very near my own age, walking around, having fun, doing whatever it is they do, and I don't have a fucking clue how to relate. This really bothers me. It's not that I really -want- to do those things, but I have an extremely strong desire to at least be normal enough to have the option. I suppose it also bothered me that I am 25 years old, and had to wait for my mommy to pick me up because my car broke down. I thought I was a bit more independent than that. *sigh*
This is the same type of thing Lisa got into in Hawaii, which is why it is so bothersome for me. Before when we were together, we were very much on the same level. Now she was able to cross that bridge into the "normal" youth world, however I am not, and I hate that. I feel so...incompetent. Maybe it's because of just how shocked I was by it all that I feel so bad. I didn't think I was that clueless about modern life. I've seen such things in movies and TV, and in other cities I've travelled to, it was appropriate. But never have I seen it in Minneapolis. And that is a reflection of me, and how out of touch I am.
I don't know how to solve this problem. Alcohol is one solution, I suppose. My unwillingness to drink must limit my experiences, right? Should I assume that alcohol really works as a "social lubricant" as people claim, and that, were I willing to drink, I would suddenly find myself able to participate in such activities and relate to these people? Unfortunately, I don't think it's nearly so simple. And that's not an acceptable solution to me anyway. Maybe I just need to come to grips with myself.
I want to learn how to create strong friendships. The people I would consider "friends", namely those few who might ever actually read this journal, are all very nice, and I enjoy spending time with them, but I'm sure they would admit they're not exactly "close" to me. Other than Lisa, I don't feel close to anyone, and that relationship is obviously rather messed up. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore, I'm just rambling. If you read this, I do apologize. I don't know what to do other than keep on living my life, and assume that at some point in the future, some meaning or purpose will come to it; that I'll learn how to deal with or fix these issues in order to get what I want and need. Until then? I'll continue on struggling...