FIC: If My Heart Was a House - Chapter 9 (Instant Star)
Title: If My Heart Was A House - Chapter Nine: That Was Us
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Tommy/Jude
Spoilers: S1 through S4
Disclaimer: They're not mine. I wish they were mine. In some cool alternate universe, they are mine. But, alas, that universe is not the one I'm currently living in. So they're not mine.
Summary: Jude Harrison and Tommy Quincy are both searching to figure out who and what they’re supposed to be, but the farther apart they are, the harder it is to find home.
Tommy slammed the kitchen door behind him and smiled when he saw the cupcakes sitting on the table. Jamie had told him Nana was developing a bit of a crush and apparently that crush was expressed through baked goods. He could definitely handle that. Tommy set his guitar case down so he could grab a cupcake.
Taking off the wrapper and throwing it in the trash, he snapped his case open and grabbed his guitar before moving down into the basement. “Andrews, tell your Nana that I love her,” Tommy said as he reached the bottom of the stairs.
Jamie swiveled in his chair to look at Tommy. “It really creeps me out when you say things like that.”
Tommy laughed and took the seat next to Jamie. He leaned the guitar against the mixing board and started munching on his cupcake. “So did you listen to the new tracks I laid down last week?:
“They’re decent,” Jamie admitted after a moment’s pause, “but you can do more.”
Tommy nodded. Jamie was right. The tracks he had been recording for the past few weeks were just okay and nothing more. They sounded like everything else out there right now which honestly wouldn’t get him very far. “Do you have some time right now?”
“It’s my day off which is why I’m at Nana’s house and not the studio.”
Tommy grabbed his guitar and let himself into the recording booth. It had gotten a lot better since Jamie earned enough money to buy some proper soundproofing. “This is a song that’s been rattling around my head for over a year now. I don’t know if I’ll actually end up putting it on the album, but it’s kind of key to the inspiration I have going right now. You see, I finally figured out the reason nothing was working. I was missing something in my writing, and it was such a juvenile mistake. I was trying to write good music without really investing any of me into it and without that, you get...”
“Crappy music like Boyz Attack used to make?”
“Exactly.”
Jamie felt a sense of relief wash over him as Tommy started tuning his guitar. He had been starting to think Tommy was going to force him to say it out loud. Granted, Tommy himself hadn’t actually said it in so many words, but they both knew what he was getting at. All the songs he recorded were pure crap except the ones that had something to do with Jude. “Let’s hear it.”
Tommy strummed a few chords before starting in on the lyrics. “I tried to change. Tried everything. Like headlights in the rain. Drifting back again. Somewhere out there gathered in the dust. Sometimes I can‘t remember that was us.” Tommy looked up to see Jamie smiling. “The stars divide. Our worlds collide. Surrounded like the air. You were with me everywhere.”
Jamie raised his hand, making Tommy pause. “I think I should run tape on this. We can do it choppy for a pre-mix. That way we‘ll be able to tweak the basic sound to fit the kind of album you want to record. It‘ll give us a chance to figure out how your new inspiration is going to transform into a nice little CD-shaped package.”
Tommy nodded and waited for Jamie to set up the boards. It still surprised him how this kid whom he had known since Jamie was sixteen had become so knowledgeable. Trying to be patient despite his newly found urge to get the music out, he let his mind drift to the other absurdity of this situation. His friendship with Jamie was the last one he had ever imagined happening.
It had all started right after Tommy returned from London. He was in the middle of the final mix of Hailey’s album when Kwest made a comment in passing about Tommy having no new project lined up for the first time since he started producing. Tommy decided on the spot that there was a reason for that. He had started producing when his need to leave Boyz Attack coincided with Darius’s need to put an end to his solo career. Now that producing was winding to a close, it was only natural that he return to where he was before.
He was going to record a solo album.
“Let’s start with the chorus and maybe try it in a minor key,” Jamie directed.
Tommy strummed a few chords to build up to the lyrics He let himself think of Jude as he sang the words about all the times that he found himself unable to leave her and how he was in a constant battle to understand if he should just let her walk away. Jamie held up his hand again as he adjusted a few of the levels to clear up the sound.
Tommy had been surprised at how good of a producer Andrews had become. When Jamie started the NBR label, Tommy thought he had no chance. Jamie was a great label rep but he would never be focused or ruthless enough to produce a successful album.
Tommy had been wrong.
NBR had taken off, mainly with the help of Vince Spiederman. Speed’s first solo album put NBR on the map, and Jamie’s ability to recruit promising new artists kept it there. They had recently expanded their downtown studio to encompass the next two floors above it. Jamie’s focus had always been on creating a space for artists to have control of their own destiny and sound. It turned out that focus was a really attractive feature when an artist decided what label they wanted to sign with.
Tommy didn’t hesitate when he finally decided to record the solo album that was so long overdue. He got Jamie’s number from Sadie, telling her he needed it to discuss some really old issue from when Jamie was with G Major.
To Jamie’s credit, he actually heard Tommy out instead of hanging up on him. Tommy explained that he didn’t want to record his album with G Major. He knew that at G Major, there would be too many people who expected to have an input. This was his album and he wanted it done his way. He pointed out that if Jamie let him use the NBR facilities, he would require barely any of its resources. He was planning on producing and mixing his own songs so there was no need to tie up an NBR employee in the process.
“Next verse,” Jamie said.
Tommy nodded and started in, singing about how much he wanted to change in order to be worthy of her. The song had started out with a focus on how much he fought to be worthy of Jude, but it had morphed into a whole other concept. It had morphed its way to being about how these days he couldn’t even remember who he and Jude were together. He could remember that it was something special and that he had loved her more than any other person in his whole life, but he couldn’t remember the feeling of being an “us”.
“Got it,” Jamie yelled, giving a little spin of joy in his chair.
Tommy laughed. Despite knowing they would have to build a working relationship, he never guessed someone he had barely gotten along with years ago would become an actual friend.
When Tommy approached Jamie with his proposition, Jamie had been the one to suggest that they go a step further in keeping control of the album solely in Tommy’s hands. He offered to let Tommy use the basement of his Nana’s house, the original NBR studio. It hadn’t been used for recording since Speed finished his second album.
Tommy realized quickly that it was an honor and a privilege to use this space. It was completely and totally raw and exactly perfect for what he needed. There were no interns or entourages running through the door to deliver messages. There were no PR people telling him that the sound just didn’t fit with the image he was supposed to convey. There was no label head putting the pressure on him to record viable, marketable tracks.
There was just him, a guitar, and the music.
“Does the second chorus have an deviations?”
Tommy nodded. “When I wrote it, the lyrics didn’t really want to stay the same. It has the same melody but I wrote separate lyrics. It seems like the more I write these songs, the more the words that I need to get out multiply. I want to focus on getting the message out instead of marketing formulaic tracks that may catch on with ease. It‘s not all about selling high numbers with this one.”
“All right then, man with the plan. Let‘s hear those words you need to get out.”
Tommy took a moment to gear himself up. The first three verses were a build-up to this one. This was the one part of the song where he didn’t try to be poetic in getting his message across. He just wrote down the words that were in his head and in his heart.
“Better now than never. Better late than forever. I never meant to waste your time. It doesn’t seem to matter. Maybe nothing really matters. Long enough to break it all away.” Tommy finished out the verse strong then set his guitar down and exited the booth. “So?”
“I think it might be the first track I’ve heard that deserves to be on the album.”
Tommy smiled and slapped Jamie on the back. “Now I just need about a dozen or so more.”
Jamie leaned back in his chair. “You do realize that this song is good, but it’s still surface. You’re going to need to face some things about Jude if you want this album to be the best.”
“It’s not about being the best,” Tommy admitted, rubbing his face. He had been too focused on composing this song to get a proper night’s sleep last night, and he was really feeling it now.
“Then what is it about? Because I think you need to know that.”
Tommy took a deep breath. “I think it’s about using the music to work my way to a point where I can accept that Jude’s gone and figuring out what the hell that even means.”
“And with that, I’m going to return to the sound mixing I was doing before you, your cupcake, and your revelation song interrupted me. You keep trying to figure out what the hell it all means.”
Tommy rolled his eyes and set his guitar on his knee. He started to play the latest variation on the instrumental song that he had composed a year earlier when he thought he and Jude were on a break and not over. Hailey had suggested he embrace the way the song wanted to be simple and raw so he decided it should be him, his acoustic guitar, and maybe some sort of unplugged drums. The song could support itself without all the flash.
“Thought you finally figured me out,” Tommy sung quietly to himself, wincing a little at the stiffness of the lyrics. “But it was just wishful thinking because you have no idea how much you mean to me.”
He groaned. Why did everything he tried to write sound so pedestrian? He might as well be singing I loved you and then I screwed it up and now I’m an emotional wreck. At least it would be to the point. Something, he had no idea what, was still holding him back. He was still afraid of letting go.
“It kills me,” he whispered to himself.
“Go with that,” Jamie interjected, not taking his attention over the mixing board.
Tommy strummed a few chords and took Jamie’s advice. “It kills me. All I want is to love you but the words don’t come out. I’ll find a way. I have to find a way to you.”
It took another twenty minutes to fine tune those few lines, but Tommy was finally satisfied that he had a strong chorus to start composing some verses off of. “Can I record this?”
Jamie pointed to a few of the buttons in front of him in response. “You were already recording,” Tommy realized.
“I should get co-producing credit for how lost you would be without me,” Jamie joked. When Tommy didn’t respond with his usual smart-ass comeback, Jamie finally looked up from the boards.
“Do you think I’m doing the right thing with this album?”
Jamie sighed and leaned back in his chair. He figured this conversation was a long time coming. “I can’t answer that. Only you can.”
“Thanks,” Tommy said with a forced grin.
“Since we both know you’re not actually talking about your album or even music, let me tell you about this revelation I had a while back. The problem with Jude and I-”
“I really don’t want to be talking about you and Jude,” Tommy interrupted. That was a topic of conversation that was off limits to their friendship. Jamie had loved the same girl that was the center of Tommy’s universe and it hadn’t worked out. They all knew that which is why it didn’t need mentioning.
“Hear me out,” Jamie insisted. “This is important. The reason Jude and I never worked was because I always considered her too selfishly wrapped up in her music. She could never make me a priority in her life. I understand a lot more about that now that NBR is up and running which is probably why Jude and I are still friends. But I think there was one thing I didn’t understand about Jude. I always accused her of putting her music first when that was never really the case. You see when I foolishly thought her priority was music, it was really you. Every time she chose music over me, she was really choosing you.”
“Jamie, you don’t have to do this,” Tommy insisted. It was an unspoken code between them that as much as they didn’t discuss anything to do with Jamie and Jude’s failed relationship, they didn’t discuss what had happened two years ago when Jude chose Tommy over Jamie even more.
“No, I think I do. You see, that was the difference in the relationship she had with you. Whenever she chose to put music first in her life, she was also choosing to put you first. In her eyes, the music and Tommy Quincy were one and the same. That’s why you’re struggling so much right now. You can’t figured out how she can give you up but not give up the music.”
Tommy couldn’t hide the stunned look on his face as Jamie’s words hit home. “You really thought about this?”
“I thought that Jude Harrison was it for me for over half my life,” Jamie reminded him. “I think I’m going to put a lot of thought into why some wrinkly-frowned, ex-boy band singer could waltz in so easily and take her away from me.”
“And what did you decide?” Tommy asked.
“You’re her rock in a way that I could never be. Granted you’re the shakiest rock I’ve ever seen but that’s the way it’s been since the day you showed up in her life. She needs you just as much as she needs music.”
“I don’t think Jude would agree with you based on the way she left things.”
“Jude honestly has no clue what she needs right now. She’s gotten herself lost somehow.”
“Are you saying that I’m supposed to jump on my white horse and whisk in to save her? Because I think that’s the exact opposite of what she wants or needs.”
“I don’t know,” Jamie admitted. “Jude has a way of complicating things. All I know is that sometimes it doesn’t matter how many times it takes, there are things in life that you never stop fighting for.”
Tommy let the words sink in for a moment before starting to play his guitar again. He couldn’t believe that he didn’t see it before. Jamie was right. Jude depended on him even when he wasn’t around just like he depended on her. No momentary request for him not to contact her was going to change that. The day that Georgia forced the two of them into a recording studio together was the day that both their lives changed.
No matter what they did, there was no going back.
The words started to flow into the music with ease as Tommy committed himself to ignoring what Jude had asked of him. He wasn’t planning on showing up at her doorstep again, but he wasn’t going to pretend that what he felt for her no longer existed.
He would just have to see where it would take him.