Not Fair (Eja-KYU-lation) - OneShot
Title: Not Fair (Eja-KYU-lation)
Author: hachi08
Pairing/Characters: KyuMin, Ninja!TeukChul, ZhouMi
Rating/Warnings: R(allusions to sexual situations and language)
Genre: Crack
Summary: Jungsu wakes up one night to find Sungmin crying over spilt milk - in the dirtiest, most literal sense.
A/n: Originally requested by me to onetruemei , and then written by me for her to break up exam boredness. I have never actually experienced this myself, so I am going off Lily Allen’s song “Not Fair” and its description of this issue.
Sungmin sat at the kitchen table, clutching his cup of hot chocolate so hard that Jungsu thought he may actually break the porcelain object, when he walked in.
Immediately his leader senses went into overdrive and he leapt into his coddling-Umma mode.
“Min-ah?” he asked softly; tentatively. The younger, cuter male was so wrapped up in his own head he didn’t even notice his hyung looking concernedly over him.
“Sungmin.”
“… Huh? Oh, hyung! What are you doing awake?” Sungmin looked into Jungsu’s eyes with concern for the elder. Jungsu nearly laughed.
“I should be asking you the same question. Don’t you have filming tomorrow?” Jungsu cocked his eyebrow. Sungmin lowered his gaze back to his mug.
Inhaling shakily, he set the cup down and began to trace the rim with his index finger.
“Teukie-hyung… can I… I mean…”
“What’s on your mind, Min-ah?”
“Can I ask for some advice?”
“… Can you ask for advice quietly when it isn’t 2am in the fucking morning?” Heechul walked into the kitchen. Sungmin made a gasping noise, looking horrified.
“Why do you make that face, my dear dongsaeng? You haven’t even revealed your darkest secrets yet.” Heechul smirked. Jungsu facepalmed mentally.
“… You… you won’t… tell anyone, right? That I came to you?” Sungmin directed this promise of secrecy mainly towards Heechul, Jungsu noticed, but the fact that he even needed their silence proved how dangerous this secret must be.
“We promise Min. You never ask us hyungs for anything, least of all advice; of course we will keep silent. Won’t we, Heechul?” Heechul heard the patronizing tone in Jungsu’s remark and huffed appropriately.
“We promise…” he said off-handedly to Sungmin’s cup of hot chocolate.
“… Well… you see… this is so hard!... It’s not exactly… my problem, per se…”
“Then who’s is it?” Jungsu couldn’t seem to drop the overprotective Umma undertone to his words.
“… It’s Kyu…”
“What’s the brat done now?”
“Don’t call him a brat!” Sungmin snapped back quickly.
Heechul grinned like a very feminine Cheshire cat.
“And… it’s more like what he… hasn’t done.”
“… I don’t get you.” Jungsu deadpanned. Heechul’s grin widened impossibly and he leant forward, toward the smaller male.
“You see… well… why is this so embarrassing?!” Sungmin tried to calm himself down, before they heard the light footfalls of another visitor to the kitchen. Sungmin tensed visibly in the dark room.
“Did I interrupt something?”
“Oh… it’s just you ZhouMi…” Sungmin sighed.
Jungsu and Heechul stared at the pink man.
“Yah! Why do you relax when you know it is ZhouMi, but with Teukie and I you simply freeze up?” Heechul yells, forcing Sungmin to look at his mug once again.
“… Is this about Kui Xian again, Minnie?” ZhouMi moved closer to the table, settling himself across from Sungmin and taking one of his hands.
Sungmin looked up from the cup and nodded, before lowering his head again. ZhouMi made a noise of disapproval from the back of his throat.
“I suggested that you come with me to that gay bar, but nooooooooooo” ZhouMi murmured.
Heechul and Jungsu looked to each other before turning on Sungmin.
“Gay bar!?”
“No!?”
“Mimi! I can’t just cheat on Kyu!” Sungmin cried. ZhouMi slumped back into his seat.
“Listen Min - no man should have to put up with bad sex. Period.”
“… Bad sex?”
“…” Heechul’s face glimmered with the new found logic.
“So our little maknae is no good in bed and our little Minnie has had enough?”
“Heechul!” Jungsu gasped. Sungmin began to tear up over his now luke-warm chocolate.
“And you look like a demented snake - if you smile any wider I would think you were dislocating your jaw to pray on a small animal.” ZhouMi stated, face calm.
“You even think about feeding on Min and I’ll - ” Jungsu started, but then Heechul moved around to sit beside Sungmin and hugged the smaller man to him.
“How bad is he?”
Sungmin stared up at him in disbelief.
“… I said, how bad is he?”
“… Oh… um…”
“Is he having problems getting it up?”
“… No, it’s not that -” Sungmin blushed. Heechul cut him off.
“Getting it up too often?”
“What? No! How is that even a prob -”
“Imagining other people during sex?”
“Hyung! It’s definitely not that!”
“Than what is it?!”
“… He…”
“Yes?”
“… He…”
“Yes?”
“… He…”
“YES?”
“Well… He…”
“YES?!”
“He…”
“Oh for the love of - WE UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS KYUHYUN WE ARE TALKING ABOUT! WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?”
“… prmachuregaKYUleshon”
“… What the hell?”
“… We get to the good part and then… then he…”
“Ah.”
“What?” Jungsu looks at Heechul and ZhouMi’s twin knowing and sympathizing looks.
“Premature ejaculation” they say in unison, while Jungsu gasps animatedly and Sungmin bursts into tears.
“There are treatments for that, you know.” Heechul says matter-of-factly.
Sungmin looks up and nods.
“I know… but he… he denies he even has a problem!”
“What!?” Jungsu gasped. Heechul glared at him.
“Teukie, so help me, but gasp once more and I will make sure you have a permanent ejaculation problem - called I-WILL-CHOP-YOUR-DICK-OFF”
“…”
“Much better. Anyway, why haven’t you dumped him?”
Sungmin stared at the fiery man with horror.
“I would never dump Kyuhyunnie… He… he’s so kind to me; I feel so safe and loved when I am with him. He’s funny, and is never boring conversation… Our relationship isn’t just sex… I… I believe I love him…” Sungmin blushed.
Jungsu thought he saw Heechul make a mock vomiting gesture, while ZhouMi “aww”ed.
“Then what’s the problem?”
“… Huh?”
“If you love him so much, why is this a problem?”
“…”
“Maybe because it would be nice to be able to feel that nice big cock in your tight little hole for longer than two minutes, before he spills his goodies?”
“… He never makes me scream…” was all Sungmin said.
“Have you told him how you feel about this?” asked Jungsu.
Sungmin nodded. ZhouMi shook his head.
“He mentioned it vaguely once and then never said anything again. He’s been coming and complaining to the fabulous me since then” the Chinese man huffed. Sungmin flushed, and decided his cup of stone cold chocolate was really not that interesting to look at, so he busied himself with his hands - not in that sense.
“Kyuhyun is young… and you guys haven’t been… sexually active… for that long… maybe he is still getting into it?” Jungsu said, hopefully. Heechul chuckled.
“Sexually active? What are you? My high school health teacher? Honestly, and just because Kyuhyun is young doesn’t mean they’ve only been together for a short time! Kyuhyun has a problem; he just needs to man up and admit it!”
“… After he’s finished he often just leaves me there, still hard and horny, wanting release… I spend bloody ages giving him head and then I’m the one left lying in the mess…”
“There, there Min. I know the perfect way to take revenge…” Heechul’s smirk would’ve ranked about 100 on a scale of 1-10 on how evil his smirk could be.
“If it’s with-holding sex, I’ve already tried that” Sungmin stated plainly.
Jungsu didn’t think he had it in him.
Heechul shook his head.
“I think you will like this plan better…”
And so, Jungsu was roped into Heechul’s dastardly plot, along with ZhouMi, in order to help Sungmin reclaim his “supposed-to-be-mind-blowing-sex-life”, in a plan simply titled “CUM” - “Can’t U Masturbate?”
This plan involved not only the withdrawal of sex, but Sungmin’s agreement to masturbate copiously around Kyuhyun for the next week. When asked what this had to do with Kyuhyun realizing his problem and getting him to understand how Min felt, Heechul said “Leave it up to me” in a very sinister voice that usually lead Jungsu to not want to leave anything or anyone up to the man.
When Sungmin had finally been assured enough of the plan’s success, he finally dragged his tired and hot-chocolate deprived body back to bed, as he had recording later that morning. Then the real planning began.
“Jungsu, you are in charge of making sure Kyuhyun is kept as busy as possible, so that he will in no way have time to touch Min, so that he can only listen to sounds of Min’s ‘work’ while he is trying to sleep, as per the plan.” Jungsu nodded.
“Mimi, since you are working with Kyuhyun on SJM’s comeback, you will need to mention your ‘ex-boyfriend’, who you dumped due to bad sex, and bad bed manner.”
“But I don’t have an ex-boyfrie - oh, gotcha” ZhouMi backpedaled when he realized what Heechul meant.
Or because said man was glaring at him. Or rather, his stupidity.
“And I… I shall be in charge of the blackmail material…”
“Such as?”
“All sexual innuendos will be left to moi, and I will of course need to tell a few creative stories…”
“… Dare I ask, but… stories such as?”
“Min consulting ZhouMi about a good sexual partner, threatening to go public with his ‘condition’, etc etc - the usual really.”
“Won’t these stories either break KyuMin up or make Kyu hunt you down for lying to him?”
“He won’t be too mad at me after the mind-blowing sex he will receive after he ‘fixes’ his ‘projection system’. And if KyuMin break up, that also fixes Min’s problems - that way, he won’t have to deal with Kyuhyun’s ‘sharp shooter’ exploding a little off target, and can move on a find a guy who ‘hits all the bulls-eyes’”
“…”
“I didn’t hear that…”
“I didn’t understand a word of what you just said”
“Oh, really?” Heechul smirked. Then he looked off to ZhouMi who seemed to be deep in thought.
“Gentleman Mimi? Earth to Gentleman Mimi? Do you copy?”
“… Oh, sorry, just thinking about something Heenim said earlier.”
“Which part of it? Coz if it was the ‘sharp shooter’ bizzo, I didn’t understand it either”
“… No, it’s just when he said… blackmail material”
“… Blackmail material?”
“Yeah, he mentioned he would use it to get to Kui Xian”
Jungsu looked worriedly at his scheming band mate, who tried to smile innocently, failed, and then resorted to his trademark smirk.
“… Wait and see my dear hyung”
One week later, Jungsu was woken up at 2AM, by an alarming sound coming from the kitchen.
It sounded something like a sack full of kittens being shoved into a tuba that was being used to beat someone mercilessly over the head.
He quietly got out of bed and made it all the way to the kitchen door, before he noticed Heechul with a video camera.
“What’s going on?”
“… Guess.”
“… I don’t want to know.”
“Good answer.”
“ So, he sorted out his issue?”
“Yeah, he went with ZhouMi to that little chemist round the corner this morning.”
“Oh, that’s good…”
“Yeah, he spent the entire walk muttering something about ‘threats’, ‘Sungmin’, a vibrator, and some very choice swear words, even if I do say so myself”
“… So your blackmail worked?”
“… Who said the blackmail came before Sungmin got what he wanted?”
The younger motioned to the video camera in his hands.
Jungsu looked at him, face blank; not understanding a single bit of the hidden meaning.
“Just because I told Kyu I could get my hands on some pretty incriminating footage, doesn’t necessarily mean I had it before he fixed his little ‘pocket rocket’”
Heechul watched a Jungsu’s eyes widened in realization of his current activities.
The stared wordlessly at the video camera before Jungsu returned his steady and slightly disapproving gaze to Heechul
Heechul simply looked at him and communicated telepathically.
“Hey, I never said I was nice!”
“But poor Sungmin!”
“I’m not gonna be so mean as to bring him into this!”
“But what are you going to do to Kyuhyun!?”
“Get him to obey my rightful rule as his hyung!”
“… That’s it?”
“Uh, yeah. What else would I want?”
“I don’t know, him to buy you stuff?”
“Nah, I have other members and friends to do that for me”
“…”
“Ahhhh! Kyu! Right there!”
“And maybe I just wanted to watch this footage… Damn, this is good blackmail!”
Jungsu sighed and walked back upstairs to bed before Heechul’s weirdness rubbed off on him.
…
He didn’t know it was already too late.